Do human instincts lead us into monogamy or is it just the opposite?

No. I have desired since I was a small child to be with one person, and find it endlessly tiring to even !think! of juggling relationships with multiple persons.

Sorry about the double question! Hopefully the mods will remove one.

I stopped listening to studies and so called experts a long time ago…nothing but trouble to be that uncertain about the data they mine and and attempt to interpret.

Part of being a human is being aware of your instincts and drives and learning how to control them. These days it seems like a mention of having self control brings out cries of “wahh the patriarchy/religion/corporate overlords will never keep me down!!” but personally, I find nothing attractive about a polygamous lifestyle, especially with all the STD’s around.

My instincts may drive me to try and have sex with every pretty girl I meet, but I’m better than an animal and capable of controlling myself.

It seems to me that monogamy is, pretty much entirely, a social construct. The huge rise in serial monogamy is telling me that, really, genuine monogamy just doesn’t work for a huge amount of people. It actually distresses me as I wonder how many broken homes it will take to persuade people that there is another way.

Just to clarify – I’m not saying that non-monogamous lifestyles are for everyone… but that the huge pressure to lead a monogamous lifestyle, imposed by our culture, is harming society as a whole.

And to answer the question… it depends on the person.

I think the driving instinct is survival, and reproduction is one element of the survival of the race. There was a time in man’s progression when it was important to bear a lot of children—people didn’t live as long and the race had to be continued. Now we have crowded ourselves into corners and the need to multiply is greatly reduced. One mate is plenty to ensure survival of the human race. Some people like to attach a religious imperative to the mix, but I don’t find that necessary. As others have said, having more than one sexual relationship at a time is complicated, expensive and can even be dangerous.

The female race favors monogamy, focusing on the intimacy offered by a relationship. The male race can find that appealing but, left to his own devices, will quickly follow the whims of his divining rod. The evidence of biology is dubious: monogamy has beneficial physiological effects and the human body has chemical mechanisms that aid marital unity. On the other hand, the same biology drives us apart.

A less puzzling witness is what we have built based on our instincts. Humans create human culture in their own image. Monogamy wouldn’t be such a widespread societal norm if it wasn’t human nature. This also says that polygamy/polyamory is a part of human nature, if a lesser component—as both rape and an aversion to rape is contained within the same species to differing extents.

@simplicity A rising level of broken marriages hardly demonstrates that the institution itself is invalid. Or, at least, that conclusion is hardly required by the facts.

@Storms please leave the sexist bullshit at the door. I’m a male who has never been in anything but a monogamous relationship, I have never so much as flirted with a woman while I was in said relationships, and I’ve been cheated on by women. Twice. So no, its not a simple matter of “women favor monogamy, men don’t” it’s “some people favor monogamy, others don’t”

@syzygy2600 I was under the obviously mistaken belief that men and women are different and that this might manifest as a general yet not absolute disparity in relational models and sexual behaviors Pardon my sexist bullshit.

The categories of man and woman have nothing to do with race.

Most mammals are not monogamous. It is entirely a social construct.

@Storms The fact that you refer to men and women as separate races already marks you as close minded, so I shouldn’t be surprised.

Instinct or socially programmed, monogamy is what’s brought me the greatest satisfaction in relationships so I continue to agree on it. I’ve had the equivalent of 5 husbands, all monogamous and it wasn’t the demise of any of those relationships nor a struggle to maintain.

@Storms Actually, polygyny (<—the correct term, because it defines men having more than one wife, specifically, whereas polygamy is having one or more husbands or wives) is more widespread than monogamy. Monogamous couples are the minority when we look at the world as a whole. There are so many reasons that certain cultures prefer polygyny/polygamy over monogamy and vice versa. It’s not as simple as boiling it all down to “human instincts” most of the time.

I suggest, for those who are truly interested in the matter, to look into taking an anthropology class.

Monogamy occurs in nature, among infra-human primates as well as other species. It is our primary adaptive mating strategy and has been since prehistoric times. That being said, both men and women also use extra-pair copulation as a mating strategy, too, even while they seek to keep the pair intact.

@DrasticDreamer Societies permitting forms of polygamy may outnumber those who outright ban it but even in fully polygamous cultures, the vast majority of people have only monogamous relationships—although that can often be attributed to lack of status and wealth.

So, monogamy is really more widespread than polygamy, at least in actual practice. With four out of five of the major world religions outright promoting mongamy and Buddhism taking no stance on the matter and atheists geographically dispersed among the nations these religions exist in (China, Europe, North America, South America, Australia and Russia vs some areas of Africa), it would take some deft elucidation to convince me that polygamy is bigger than monogamy. If polygamy was bigger than monogamy, monogamy would still be huge… demonstrating that the societies humans create still speak to monogamy as a factor in the human condition.

@syzygy2600 Please explain how me jokingly referring to the genders as separate races shows that I am close-minded (maybe it means I’m just narrow-minded, or perhaps absent-minded—actually, if I actually believed male and female were races I would not be close-minded, the word for what I would be is STUPID). And then explain how calling names proves your point.

@Storms just hit a nerve cause I’m a man who has never cheated on anyone as I’ve already said and I’m tired of women making bullshit generalizations about me based on my gender.

I have always always always just wanted to be with one woman.
I have never been the guy who feels he needs to play to be macho.

@Storms I’m not disagreeing that monogamy isn’t also a natural part of nature and human instinct, I was merely pointing out that polygyny (not polygamy) is more widespread throughout the world than monogamy. You’re right to say that both polygyny and polygamy tend to develop out of necessity rather than desire, however. Like I said, just pointing out the facts.

@syzygy2600 Being that it’s a generalization, it can’t be about you in particular. I didn’t say “women want to get married and men want to be players”, I noted that women tend towards intimacy and men tend towards pleasure… they still both cheat nearly as much but for somewhat different reasons.

@DrasticDreamer Alright but having counted nearly every population center and religion as being pro-monogamy I am not sure how the math adds up and puts multiple-partner relationships ahead of monogamy…

@Storms “Having counted nearly every population center and religion”. Who counted?

@DrasticDreamer Well, I counted all the places in the world… “With four out of five of the major world religions outright promoting mongamy and Buddhism taking no stance on the matter and atheists geographically dispersed among the nations these religions exist in (China, Europe, North America, South America, Australia and Russia vs some areas of Africa)”

Change China and Russia to Asia and add India and the Middle East now that I think about it a little more.

Recently I’ve seen a few tv shows that did studies on humans and monogamy. They claimed that our instincts don’t automatically make us desire to be with one person forever (at least not sexually). Do you believe this theory?
I’ve never really thought much about it, purely from a biological standpoint, it seems it would be most beneficial to spread ones genes as far and wide as possible. But then mating for life has it’s benefits too. The problem is we can (or at least like to say we can) think and rationalize, which one would suspect can lift us past our base instincts.

Are we trying to force something that just isn’t programed in us?
Depends on how you view it, from my perspective, some people make a great go of it for others, somewhere along the way they just drift apart, it’s just not for everyone. If you’re trying to be something you’re not, well that’s forcing it. It seems though many people don’t understand their own desires all that well and suffer from a great deal of social pressure so, I’m sure there are plenty who are forcing something that isn’t “programed” but then as I said, not everyone is the same.

Will we always desire to be with other men/women even when we should be happy with the person we already have?
Hmmm… it’s that last part that gets me, “_we should be happy with the person we already have?” There is always going to be desire, whether or not acting on that desire is worth the risk of what you have, that’s a different story. But why do we have to be happy with just one person (I’m not talking just sex here, I’m speaking of loving, fulfilling, relationships)? I think that concept of needing to be happy in monogamous fashion is more a social construct playing naturally from the fact that some people are wired or at least conditioned that way._

I believe that our instincts are connected to our hearts and what is inside of us, so what leads us is really our hearts.

I’ve seen documentaries state the exact opposite, and for once, I found what I believe. It sounds good when someone asserts that it may be of evolutionary benefit for a man to spread his sperm, but in the end, it ultimately benefits his known offspring more for him to feed them and protect them. It is not about sex drive, but offspring, that motivates a man to remain in the home.

@Storms And many anthropologists did the same thing you did, in multiple studies, in multiple countries, in varying cultures and religions – and the conclusion is that monogamy is a minority practice.

@DrasticDreamer Are you sure? I am taking Demographic Anthropology now, and that does not comport with what I have been taught.

Yes, I’m sure. I learned it in Cultural Anthropology and now in Language and Culture (another anthropology class). There are many, many people that practice monogamy, but there are still more people in the world, combined, who practice polygyny (not polygamy) over monogamy. As I said above though, the statistics are not black and white and many things need to be taken into consideration before someone tries to answer a question such as, “Do human instincts lead us to monogamy or the opposite?” There are far too many variables involved to come to a neat conclusion regarding this specific question.

Monogamy goes against all human instincts. It is a learned thing.

@davidbetterman I don’t agree with that, either. The issue is not black and white.

@DrasticDreamer Thanks.

@DrasticDreamer There is nothing racial about my response.

@davidbetterman Oh, stuff it. :P You know my response had nothing to do with race. lol

@DrasticDreamer :P !!!! Lurve ya babe!

Both instincts exist but the one for human monogamy is far more common and successful when it comes to reproductive success.

Its an interesting debate because I do believe that monogamy is a social construction but also that the issue isn’t black and white as @DrasticDreamer states.

I wouldn’t condemn anybody’s beliefs and if two people are consenting adults in a relationship that is led by trust and honesty to not be monogamous then that is their free will.

But I do question the concept of having a non-monogamous or polyamorous relationship if there are children involved. I’m not questioning the fact that parents who choose to bring up there children who are having a polyamourous relationship can’t offer them a stable and loving environment. But its not always the immediate environment that impacts upon us is it?

You’ve still got social construction occurring outside of the home environment in education, social networks etc… Children can be cruel and adults also, people gossip and if they even got a snippet of what was happening within the child’s home environment it could maybe have a massive impact upon the child’s socialising and future friendships.

My daughter had a friend at primary school a couple of years ago who was bullied because her mum had a female partner living with her. Times are slowly changing and society is becoming more accepting of relationships that are not classed as the social ‘norm’ but I think it will be many many years or if it does happen before the majority of society chooses to be ‘non-monogamous’ or ‘polyamorous’.

@DrasticDreamer So you say. But… Here are the facts:

Asia: Mostly Traditional Chinese Spiritualism which promotes monogamy
Middle East: Islam and Judaism which practice monogamy.
Europe, Russia, North and South America, Australia: Heavily influenced by Christianity; almost completely monogamous.
India: Mostly Hindu which promotes monogamy.

That leaves parts of Africa, isolated islands, cults, Buddhists (you get Japan) and rogue individuals to the practice of marrying multiple partners… Math was never my strong suit but that doesn’t add up to monogamy being a minority cultural practice. Perhaps the anthropologists you adhere to count differently. Maybe if you add Atlantis and Middle Earth to the polygamy side.

wait, middle earth practices monogamy

@Storms Oh, jeez. Okay, whatever.

@DrasticDreamer Did I do something wrong?

Drastic: Stating what various world/regional religions preach, as opposed to what humans practice, seems sort of peripheral. There are powerful cultural and social and economic forces, old and new, that promote and reward monogamy.

Yet a lot of humans can’t stick with it, fail at it, reject it, walk away from it, try it on and off… in the U.S., less than half of adults are married; not all who are married are monogamous. We could throw a lot of statistics around.

I’m not arguing for or against…

im questioning this very dynamic as we speak. i personally have come to believe that monogamy as a rule is not really natural. even though i personally dont want to mess with other women – i do enjoy bringing others into our bedroom sometimes. i dont feel its wrong – immoral – unethical. Im talking strictly sex – not emotion. My wife thinks its wrong though. The term i seem to keep gravitating to is non-monogamy. still looking into it.

@little8632g If you don’t want to mess with other women, then how could you possibly enjoy bringing other people into your bedroom? That implies that you are, in fact, messing with other people. And if that’s the case and your wife thinks it’s wrong, then why would you do it anyway?

I’m not saying that I think monogamy or polygamy/polygyny is wrong one way or the other, but just that your statement doesn’t exactly make sense.

I should have clarified “others” to mean primarily other dudes – not for me im straight but for my wife. but then again – others cld include another chick even though the few times we’ve done that i still was focused on my wife and not having sex with the other chick. as far as the differing mindsets between my wife and I – i dont do it anymore because shes not cool with it but there was a time when we were experimenting with 3somes. i personally found that watching my wife have sex with another male was over the top hot and i say that coming from a stereotypically Italian upbringing – meaning possessive with my women – so i wld almost be the last person one would have thought would enjoy this. But – my wife helped me lose that possessive crap when we first got together (what a relief) and perhaps the enlightenment culminated to a general evolution in beliefs on my part? or more likely im just a total horndog pervert that likes everything over the top intense? either way – for right now – we dont do that but i wld like to every once in a while but thats up to her. did i clarify??

@little8632g Absolutely, thank you. And I hope that didn’t come across harsh, because I didn’t intend for it to. Anyway, I don’t think it makes you a pervert. (I don’t believe that polygamy/polygyny is wrong – as long as all in the relationship feel the same way.) Which brings me to my next point; I’m glad that you’re able to be honest about your feelings, but still choose to be true to your wife.

People are complicated creatures and life is messy. No way around it. Thanks for the clarification.

Edit: And, oh! Welcome to Fluther! :)

no i love discourse and i enjoyed your “interrogation”. this place is fun. and there may be a deeper biological reason i am interested in watching my wife but it feels like horney – lol. stay cool.