How can I be Super Divorced Dad?

I am curious to read the responses. I am in the same situation

Definitely don’t argue with your ex with the children around, I hate it when my parents do that. There also was another similar question around Fluther, you might want to look that one up.
And a lesson I learnt from Fairly OddParents (yes, I’m too old to be watching that ;): don’t make “Super” wishes. They always get out of hand :)
Seriously though, don’t try to hard, i.e. “force” yourself to be that super-daddy. If they are everything to you, I’m quite sure that it will all work out with regards to having a bond with them (assuming there are no troubles concerning custody, i.e. your kids moving far away).

hey. I’m a 16 yr old n the middle of my parents nasty divorce. I live w/ my mom cz my dad is an abuser, but I’m respondg 2 ur vry admirable question because I kno wat I wish my dad would treat my sis & I like…. Be there for them. Don’t drive them insane by overdoing it, but (altho I’m not sure wat ur court orders r & I kno there’s a substantial age dif b/t ur children & me)
maybe offer 2 bring them ice cream during the afternoons, call them & wish them sweet dreams b4 they go 2 bed, make sure they kno u luv them w/ all ur heart, and this takes actual displays of affection b/c u can tell them you love them all day long, but until they see it, your words are empty. When they’re with you, make sure everythg that is done makes them totally ecstatic because when they’re old enough to decide who they wanna live with, you’ll hve a much better chance of them picking you… :)

Neither divorced, nor a dad yet compelled to answer. Forgive me if I’m not helpful. Much of this will apply to your 5 year old.

A lot depends, I suppose, on your relationship with mom and her position. Hopefully, you all are amicable, and neither of you is the type to poison the well.
Try as much as possible to maintain a unified front with your ex with respect to parenting.

Too often, I see single-parent kids who’s parent feels the need to spoil them one way or the other to assuage their guilt about not having their spouse around. I don’t think that serves the child well at all. Remember that the gifts your children need most are the sense that they are loved, supported and have a place in the world where they can be successful. Recognize their talents and personalities and support their involvement in activities that develop them. If their interests are not areas of expertise for you, look for others who can serve as mentors. If you feel overwhelmed by the need to spoil them with material gifts, maybe make an effort to put a chunk of that money away for college or activity fees.

Send your child letters or CDs/tapes for times when you are not together. It can just be your thoughts and feelings or perhaps stories that they like having read to them. Whatever keeps a loving connection. Don’t make this a competition with your ex (and try to prevent her from making it that way.)

Take care of yourself. Address any problem areas of yours that led to your divorce. Work on becoming happy with yourself if you are not. Be(come) an example to them of one way to live a balanced and successful life.

I can absolutely endorse kevbo’s answer regarding spoiling.
There is one example I can cite. It took place during Sinterklaas (which you could compare with what Christmas is in other countries in regard to presents). He had bought everybody a few gifts, and I had one gift less than the others. While I was perfectly fine with that, he absolutely wanted to give everybody an equal amount of gifts, so he took me to pick another gift. I picked the first calendar I saw to get it over with.
Then again, I’m a bit older than your kids are, so this might not yet apply to them. The no-arguing-in-front-of-them argument always counts, however.

I am a divorced dad and the best advice I can give is stay friends with your ex it makes everything so much better with the kids…. My ex got remarried and her new husband is a great guy. They have a daughter that is 4 now and believe it or not I babysit her if they have something to attend if there regular sitter is not availabe. Our son likes it cause that is his step sister and it keeps things so much more comfortable for them. Even the teachers at our sons school commend us on the job we are doing…. They can’t believe he comes from a divorced home. This might be a little strange, but my ex her husband and daughter spend holidays at my parents. The calmer I can keep my relationship with my ex the calmer she is with the kids. And because of this relationship, I hve not missed a single event in my sons life. Thank god I have a girl friend that understands this is all I can say… This is the best thing you can do to be a great father…. When everyone is happy everything is good

I think riprock is awesome. Kudos!

My parents divorced, but it was bad between them and I was stuck with mom.

I am a divorced mother with two teenaged daughters though my ex and I split when they were toddlers we have always mantained a good relationship. we have never argued in front of our girls. I help him when he needs help and he helps me out when I need it. I have never stopped him from seeing the girls and I have never used the girls against him. And never would. I have always encouraged the girls to spend time with him right now quite a bit since he has a cancerous brain tumor. I have arranged for them to go to his house everyday after school to spend as much time as possible with him. best I could tell you is to try and get along with ex. although I know that sometimes that is hard. and never use the kids against each other it will backfire. and always back each other up. I have seen so many parents make the mistake of not backing each other up that the kids wind up pitting one parent against the other. that is not good.

When my ex and I first split up, it wasn’t amicable, because he was an alcoholic (which was the reason for the split). He totally overindulged our son, who was 5 at the time. So I had to spend the rest if my time undoing the spoiling that was done and was the ‘bad guy’. So I strongly support that you resist the urge to spoil them.

When I was in a relationship with a man who had a child from a previous relationship, his son was 2 when we met and 8 when we split up. When he was with us, he had to abide the same rules as if he lived with us. We actually were more strict with him than his mom was.

Hopefully you and mom can maturely discuss how you want the kids to be raised, so you can maintain consistency. During the times that you are not with them, call to talk about their day and say goodnight, if it’s agreeable with mom. As they get older, make sure they know your number and can call you any time. Also do what you can to ease mom’s burden – the day-to-day work is exhausting! Especially with a toddler! So if you can, stay home when they’re sick. Pick them up after school on occasion, etc.

NEVER put the kids in the middle. They love you both, and it really does hurt them when they feel pressure to pick sides. Stay up to date on what is going on in their lives, like sporting events, school performances, etc. and make a point to be there.

@riprock96 Great answer….

As the product of divorced parents…
Do NOT talk bad about the mother in front of the kids, ever, no matter what. I promise that no matter how bitter, angry, or hurt you are, telling that to the kids will NOT make them see it your way. It will only make them uncomfortable and resentful.

Call them every day, if possible. Since you’re not living with them, you have to do this to stay up on their life. You have to work extra hard to talk to them, ask them about their feelings and thoughts, and find something to be involved with.

Don’t make every weekend a holiday. Doing fun things together is good, but kids need structure. Don’t make dad’s house the fun place and mom’s house the work place. It will just cause problems.

Good luck.

Learn to love your ex-wife, not as your former wife, but as a very good friend.

just because you are asking this question that alone says alot… You are willing to reach out to a bunch strangers and ask.. That means alot. My advice to you is to be there. Be understanding and honest people underestimate kids honesty is key to gain trust and value within your realisionship. Being a father is not accomplishment, anyone one can have kids. Being dad a friend and a role model is a great accoplishment and I think you are on the righttrack! Being aler and proactive will make you a superdad! I am 20 and I was adopted when I was 13 so I’ve had alot of dads and my dad now has been the best cause he’s there and I know it always is giving me time and my space and wonderful advice I love him. And I hope you chose to be the best dad you can be I have faith in you!!!!

Wow, this is my first time using Fluther and I am really impressed with the responses. I really appreciate the voices of experience, from men, women, and kids of divorce. All the words offered suggest a combination of working to build a relationship with my ex-wife that is positive, parenting consistently so the kids know what to expect, being available whenever my kids need me (and when they don’t seem to), be real with them as if they were living with me all the time, connect everyday in some way, and finally, just because they are not with me every day, still act as if they were, because they absolutely are. I’m open for more tips…

Our situations are very similar. I too am a divorced father of a 5 yr old and a 1 yr old. Our situations vary in that my ex and I split the time with our kids 50/50; we have joint physical and legal custody. Our overnight schedule is built around their mom’s work schedule, and though it gets a bit hectic at times, the kids have really done a great job adjusting to their (our) new lifestyle. By and far the best advice that has been given so far is keeping a good relationship with their mother. My ex and I have a great relationship, and our kids benefit from this everyday. While they are a huge focus of our relationship, they are not the sole factor, and I think the kids can sense and feel that I have a genuine caring for their mother. I don’t know the reason for your divorce, but reaching this level of friendship in my situation took a considerable effort on both of our parts, and forgiveness of mistakes in the past. But there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel fortunate that our kids are getting the nurturing they need. I would also suggest that you give yourself (and your kids) plenty of time before you start dating. There is enough change to deal with, and adding another person into the mix is almost certainly going to complicate things. Kids are smart, they know you love them, and they will appreciate the time you have with them much more than they will material things. Take them to the park, play games with them, let your 5 yr old pick an activity for you all to do. Lastly, don’t worry about being a single dad, just be a dad. Be their rock, be an example, and be there for them always.