My boyfriend get's aggressive when drunk, how do I break up with him while avoiding unnecessary drama and violence?

Well, sounds like you should take a bit of a break. Don’t go seeing other people, but try backing things up for a week or so, maybe more, and then try again. The violence sounds a tad concerning, but that may have just been a small bump. Like I said, spend some time away from eachother, and then try going out after a week or so. If there is still a lot of fighting and stress, maybe it’s the end of the relationship.

Is he just like this after drink?

@Dibley No he doens’t necceserily has to drink to be like this. And he doens’t drink normally, he smokes pot daily since he was like 12 yrs old. That’s another thing.

“My bf threatened to pull my hair out, kill me, beat up my parents, blabla etc, if I don’t come and pick up my stuff sunday he’ll destroy them first and then throw them on the streets etc etc.”
That surely most be more then enough to step out of this relationship?
Drunk or not, threatening somebody with violence is a big no, at least in my book.
I wish you well.

Hey, It’ll be ok

@rebbel It is, that’s why Im sitting in my room @ my parents crying bc I know its the end.. I just fear what the future has in store for me.. I don’t want to be treated worse then this, but he never cheated, that’s the one thing good about him. I fear my nex boyfriend is gonna cheat on me.And I wish he hadn’t said stuff like that.

@chamelopotamus Thank you.. =) I really do hope so.. I started weeping again tho after reading that..

You’re wasting your time. I’m not going to mince words with you here. You can spend the next several years of your life hoping that he’ll get better, treat you better, realize what he has in you, etc.
It isn’t going to happen. You can take to heart what he said when he was drunk. The fact that he doesn’t have to be drunk to get ugly is even more of an indicator.
You are part of his cycle of violence, and it seems that the cool down periods are getting shorter, and his violence is only going to escalate.
Go back to your parents and stay safe, Do not allow him any contact with you. He’ll act contrite, make promises and get you back there and he’ll start again. One of the first things he’ll bitch about is how bad you made him feel by leaving and he’ll be resentful about it.
Take some time out from the relationship thing and get yourself back to knowing who you are and where you’re going.
I know that you have strong feelings for him. Trust me, I know. You can’t let that stop you from doing right by yourself, because he’s never going to do right by you.
Get out now!

Well, I’m sorry he has made you feel like this. I know how it feels when you feel you need to leave the relationship, but you can’t because you are in love. So whatever I say, it won’t make any difference. But you are young enough to find someone that will treat you how you deserve to be treated. That will be proper love. But only you can decide that. We might know in our heads what the right thing to do is, it is telling our heart that is the problem.

If he’s a dick to you, dump the fucker, pronto.

There are plenty of nice guys out there who would be so happy to have a girlfriend. The internet is full of them.

@Fyrius Well said. I thought I was being blunt..;-)

@Trillian
Haha, bluntness is my speciality.

@Trillian @Dibley @Fyrius You are all so right…. Thanks so much for taking the time to write that.. Im still crying but it’s nice to know someone out there understands me and knows what I’m going through, it really does help, thank you guys.

This guy is no good. Being afraid of being alone is no reason to stick with a guy. You need to get out and stay out. Every time he wants to come back, you need to remember this night and those things that he said.

@whyigottajoin That is what we are here for. It is hard to end any relationship. Some people say it’s good to have that time on your own, but not if your not that kind of person. I couldn’t be alone, and I want love more than anything else in my life. Good luck, I really hope it works out for you, whatever you decide.

If he is violent or threatening towards you, that is your cue to leave. Deal with your emotions once you have got rid of him, because he won’t wait for you to feel better before he does it all over again. He obviously has no consideration for you, and you deserve much better. It may well be the wake up call he needs, and he will treat the next girl better for it.

Do the hard part now, quickly and cleanly, and get him out of your life. Once that is done, you can start to deal with your emotions and clean up the mess this jerk has left you with.

@whyigottajoin
Of course this whole situation is making you very sad, i understand that.
The ending of a relationship, be it a good or a bad one, is a loss.
It (can) feels like mourning.
But i hope you’ll be strong (in my opinion you already showed you are strong by considering to leave him) and go on with your life, without this guy, and focus on the time after this dark period.
Like @Fyrius already said, there are plenty good guys around, and i am sure there is one for you too.
Be good.

@FireMadeFlesh @rebbel Thank you guys.. You’re right.. Im gonna start focusing on me again..

Please be strong, have the self-respect you deserve, and don’t succumb to Stockholm syndrome like so many girls in abusive relationships.
If he doesn’t treat you with at least basic respect, get away from him. If he tells you time and time again how everything will change if you give him one more chance, it’s time to let him talk to the door you shut behind you.

And please give the nice guys a chance. They may not have that alpha male allure, but they’ll treat you like someone who actually loves you, like someone to whom your feelings are important.
I’ve met a lot of nice guys and hopeless romantics who told me the girls they like always “friendzone” them and instead go for bad boys who mistreat them. Don’t do that.

I really think you need to take a break from this guy. He doesn’t seem to have any respect for you.

You are 20 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you. Wake up and smell the coffee, it is not going to get better ever. A person like that will never change, he is using you as a doormat. You will have a life of threats, abuse, mistreatment, beating and you putting up with his drunkeness and awful attitude. Keep away from him and you will have time to calm down and put your thoughts in order. You will meet another person who will treat you in a nice way. JUST MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT A MAGNET FOR THOSE TYPES OF GUYS!!!!! Wake up, get out of there and focus on your life, wellbeing and further education. That is the only way you will appreciate yourself more! Better days WILL come!

@ZEPHYRA
And resist the magnetism those kinds of guys exert on you.

“I just want some one to trust, lean and rely and love”. @whyigottajoin- you have someone; YOU. You teach people how to treat you and no one is or should love you better than YOU. He’s behaving this way because he can. It’s not the alcohol or weed, it’s HIM, this is who he really is.

If you don’t get out and STAY out the threats will turn into
acts. Love yourself more than him, he seems incapable of reciprocating.

@Fyrius Thank you for the correction.

Oh, it’s more of an addition to an excellent post.

Sounds like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. Give it some time, your wounds are fresh. You soon feel stronger, ready to face and deal with what comes your way. Next time you will be better prepared to nip it should the next relationship go bad. Solider on.

@whyigottajoin You are not asking too much here.
You are young, beautiful, and very personable. You will recover from this, but you need to move on.
One day this guy will realize what he has lost. Don’t listen.
You deserve much better.

Dump him, and don’t be afraid to go out and meet more people.
There is better out there, and if you feel you deserve better you will get better.

Just don’t give up on yourself and your future love life.

everytime I try to save it I get hurt.
Number 1, It takes two people to make a relationship. You cannot save it by yourself, because you’re not in it alone.
I just want to live a simple, quiet life, with a sweet guy, is this too much to ask?
Number 2, It is not too much to ask. But…
My bf threatened to pull my hair out, kill me, beat up my parents, blabla etc, if I don’t come and pick up my stuff sunday he’ll destroy them first and then throw them on the streets etc etc.
Number 3, This guy is not what you’re looking for.

Before you worry about finding a guy, find yourself. Do not use the idea of having a boyfriend as a reason to define yourself, or you will always be the victim. Crappy guys prey on women who don’t respect themselves. There are far more nice guys out there than the kind of loser that you’re involved with, but you won’t find them by luck, and they won’t be looking for a woman who goes for jerks because they think that’s all they can get.

You are still quite young and have a whole life ahead of you and one you can live free and clear of drunks and potheads. Life is for living not escaping but it is time you escape the clutches of this loser boyfriend and discover what it is to live your life as a single grown up individual. Life is complicated enough without mixing it up with others problems. Stay single for a while and enjoy your own life for once.

Thanks for eveything you guys.. I’ve read some great advice and I’m starting to feel alot better.. I’ve stopped crying for one. And I’m starting to realize that he really doens’t deserve another chance with me if he askes for it.. It’s no use anyway.. I really should focus on my own life.. TY! =)

—@Cruiser I applaud your answer, everyone should learn to enjoy their very own individual life before they start one with someone else.

This is a classic cycle. Abuse, apology, more abuse until you get injured or killed. This guy is not a good person. Please, save yourself. Get away from him and stay away, no matter what he says or threatens. There are many good men out there who won’t treat you like this. A bit of patience and you’ll find one. All my best thoughts to you.

My daughter went through something like that, unfortunately. There is never a happy end when it comes to violent boyfriends, verbally or physically or both.

Obviously you have a self-esteem issue if you think you deserve to be with someone who treats you that way. Hell, most people have self-esteem issues – you just need some counselling and to stay away from this guy – cold turkey.

I agree with what others are saying. This guy isn’t going to change and his behaviour towards you is appalling. Doesn’t matter if he’s drunk or not. He doesn’t respect you and he should.

It is going to be important to stay strong, especially after a week or two or three passes. Distance has a tendency to blunt/blur the memories of what happened. Which is good usually, but not in your circumstance.

I am concerned by this statement you made: “I don’t want to be treated worse then this, but he never cheated, that’s the one thing good about him. ”

You need to set the bar much, much higher. You deserve a guy who is not going to be out until 4am, come home drunk with his drunk buddies and then threaten you. You deserve someone who will worship you, delight you, love you and protect you against guys like this guy.

Be resolute.

Hi dear. I think you know what you have to do. But it sucks being hurt. Here, I think you need a hug *****((((((hug))))))******

You’ll make it through. Keep crying till you get it all out. But also keep moving. Wake up in the morning, brush your teeth, do what you gotta do every day. The sucky feelings will pass with time.

Much love.!

He’s not a sweet guy at all if in his anger (we all get angry, we all argue) he insults you and worse he insults you in front of others. Cry and hurt for as long as it takes to let go of the wanting the memories of the nice things about him. Let a smarter man have a chance to be with you, one who’s willing to talk about and work on any differences between you instead of taking advantage of your feelings and then hurting you when you aren’t being convenient.

like others say he is only going to get worse. and hes going to beg you to come back, he will make promises like hes going to change, but the thing about voilent, abusive people is that they cannot change. You need to be on your own for a while. realize you can make it without a bf, and you dont need one to make you happy. You need to make yourself happy and you have to be happy with yourself. you have to learn to love yourself, if you do, then stay at your parents. keep yourself out of harm. keep yourself busy. Get your mind off all the bullshit. go to the gym, let out all the frustration. if you dont work, get a job. do you go to school? focus on your school work. remember you come first. Then you can deal with everyone else

How To Break Up With A Violent Person
If you live with family then tell them your plans.
Sneak back any keys he has to your home.
Don’t break up while he’s in a state of excitement or a drunk.
Break up with him over the phone or by text but not in person. Don’t bring up his faults as the reason (he knows) but instead say the tension between you two is making you depressed, distracted from your other priorities and you need to get on top of things before getting so serious in a relationship. It’s the type of crap guys say to girls all the time and they get away with it so it might work for you too.
If he asks if there’s someone else then say no even if you have someone else in mind. To bring up someone who “is there for me”, “understands me”, whatever… that will set him off. Say there is no one which makes the break up sad and lonely but necessary at the present.
Tell him you prefer to handle your issues on your own and maybe the two of you will be in a better place in the future but for now you go it alone.

When I was in the service we had a team member that was a mean drunk. When word got out that he had mistreated his GF we threw him a blanket party and let her participate. He was super nice to her after that, but with our encouragement (and some friends in personnel) their relationship was terminated permanently. He also quit drinking as a result of this incident.

Some guys try to dominate their GF’s and other relationships because of self issues, and because they are permitted and enabled to do so. I suggest now that you have made the break, keep it broken and move on. Many vistas await you and the right man is out here in the sea looking for you. Learn from this experience and NEVER tolerate anyone who tries to dominate you.

Remember there is always a restraining order.

break up when he is sober. Move out or kick him out, change the locks, whatever you gotta do. be specific and don’t waver, and don’t beat around the bush.
Alcohol messes you up with the aggressive behavior, so get away from it while you can, before he hurts you.
This grows and grows and gets more dangerous as it progresses, please take care of yourself and get away from it. Don’t procrastinate. There are much better guys for you.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir
Most restraining orders go unheeded by harassers and poorly responded to by law enforcement. I wouldn’t bet my life in their favor for any protection. In fact, it’s my personal experience they further provoke and challenge creeps.

Aside from the immediate problem of getting away from him, staying away, and clearing your mind of thoughts of a future with him (if maybe and if only… no—get over that). Definitely move out, and take a friend (or two) with you to pick up your things, and maybe even when you deliver the message that “this is it—no more—goodbye”. Be safe.

But other than that…

You are wasting your life if you want “a boyfriend to make you happy”. That’s not how life works. You have to make your own happiness; a good boyfriend will ‘accentuate’ that and perhaps add to the fun, but you can’t rely on anyone to “make you happy”. That comes from within.

And the other thing that I recommend that you should try (although many people have happy lives without doing it) is that you ought to live alone for awhile, until you can do that and still be happy. Then you might be ready to share that experience with someone else.

@CyanoticWasp I was really happy before he came along. I’ll try to live alone for a while again untill I’m happy again. And I do want a bf that accentuates my happyness, I know I can’t rely on a single person to make me happy, first I have to be happy within, I get that. I just hope it won’t take as long as my relationship (3yrs). Thanks for the good advice. =)

I hope the breakup goes well. Be prepared for him to pull a full charm offensive once he realizes just how serious you are. Don’t let that sway you. As I said before, be firm. Also, be thankful that are getting out of this situation before it advanced any further. It is harder to walk away when there are more ties holding you down.

@whyigottajoin Be strong, resist whatever charm or threats he may apply. If he continues threats, get the restraining order. The level of enforcement on these orders varys considerably depending on where you live. In my locality, they are taken damned seriously. The order allows the police to take action where they ordinarily wouldn’t be able to. It also provides some degree of legal cover if you or a third party (a bodyguard or volunteer escort) have to use violence to keep him away. As a volunteer escort, I knew that I had much less chance of being charged or sucessfully sued if I had to use force when a restraining order was in place. Remember that the restraining order only has force (usually) in the state in which it was issued.. The womens center I volunteered for regularly went to court to have out-of-state restraining orders confirmed by a local judge (our circuit judge would sign them almost automatically, she was sympathetic to the cause). The paper alone won’t keep a determined creep away from you, but will be a great help to those dedicated to protecting you.If he makes another threat, please get the restraining order.

I was in the position of my personal happiness being dependant on another person. Alone, I’m not naturally a happy person, more goal-oriented. In my case, we were separated by death. I’m glad that you can be a happy person without reference to any other. That is a sign of good mental health. You’ll get past this abusive episode and emerge wiser for it. Now you know some of the signs to avoid in future. Good luck!!

You are twenty.

It might not feel like it, but you have a gazillion years ahead of you to find someone who is sweet and will care for you. There’s no reason whatsoever to fear that if you leave this guy, you won’t find another.

He’s abusive, you are not happy. Just end it. And next time he says he is sorry and cannot live without you, remember that he lies about such things.

@Janka Yea I’ve come to realize that your absolutely right. I broke up with him and I dont speak to him anymore. Im starting to feel happy again, and getting used to being alone, but I guess Im not really alone bc I have my friends and family =)

@whyigottajoin I’m so glad that things went well when you broke up and more importantly I’m glad you are feeling better now that you have.

Remember, love often comes around when you least expect it too (did for me).