Why does the "coming out process" produce a second adolescence for some queer adults?

Perhaps it’s from having your true self-identity repressed during adolescence, and letting it out requires moving though the same sequence of learning new social sexual behaviors?

In all fairness, it’s not just gays. Many (but not all) heterosexuals hit their 40’s and go through a period of middle age crazy that is like that, too.

What do you mean by second adolescence? Can you elaborate?

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – I mean this: literally acting out and/or experiencing the internal processes associated with the adolescent stage of human development.

@PandoraBoxx – so it’s not just a queer thing?

I just wonder why anyone feels the need to re-enact or act out behaviors associated with adolescence. If someone is going through the “coming out process,” why not act like an adult? Why regress?

I believe there is no single coming out process – as a queer person (speaking for myself) you have to come out to all the new people you meet as they assume you’re straight, no matter what (since I have children, like that makes any sense and because I’m married). I guess you could say that a person could come out to their parents and it’d be ‘the coming out’ but their behavior after depends on whether or not they feel accepted. If they don’t feel accepted by someone that should accept them like their parents, they may feel like a teenager again (assuming that they’re coming out after they were teenagers…many of us came out when we were teenagers).

No, it’s not just a queer thing.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir People assume that you’re straight because you have children and are married to a man? The nerve of some people!

@bob_ I am not angry at them – just saying that there is a reason I have to come out all the time

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Oh, oh. Sorry, my bad.

I think this phenomenon is associated with a period in one’s life when they are (re)defining and discovering who they are. Post divorce, I believe some people go through the same thing.

I also knew a woman who went through that when she finally worked out (in therapy) some big issues with her family. It was like she had to pick up where she’d left off as a teen—literally. She was suddenly into make-up, clothes, and flirting! A little hard to watch, since she was nearly 40.

People who’ve been alcohol or drug users for a long time also seem to have to go through this if they started using at a young age, such as early teens. It’s as if they really hadn’t gone through normal development since then and have to take the growth steps even if delayed.

One adolescence is plenty, thank you.

I came out at 18 and I don’t really know any queer adults, but it seems to me that they haven’t fully been “living” while having such a big part of their life concealed. As much as I enjoyed high school and had a lot of fun and good memories, I wasn’t fully being myself. I still had to lie about my sexuality and I didn’t explore it at all during that time. So once you finally give yourself the freedom to do that, you might get a little carried away.

I’ve talked to many LGBT kids who come out and people who come out and are well-received feel like they can do anything once they do it. It’s empowering and it’s a huge burst of freedom. Some people take it too far, though.

Some is not the key word in your offensive question.

I’ve dated guys for two decades now. I feel I have a decent grasp of how it works. However, while I’m mildly bisexual, I’ve only dated a couple women, and those were very brief. I feel like if I were to (unexpectedly) come out as a lesbian at this point, I’d be sixteen years old all over again when it comes to women. I wouldn’t know all of their cues and messages, like I can often tell with men. Also, there’s that heart-pumping sweaty-palm feel of hormones in love. That can happen at any age with the right person, but imagine only now finally being able to date the right person. MMmmm, Giddy!

@thriftymaid – please enlighten me on how it’s offensive.

@prolificus I find your choice of words to be offensive and disparaging. I haven’t heard educated people use the term queer in 20 years.

@thriftymaid – ah. I’m sorry if you have been offended by the use of this word. To some, including myself, it is not offensive. Some of us LGBTQ folks are using this word in a positive way to identify ourselves. There are lots of words in our culture that have been reclaimed by people who were once victims of those who meant to do harm.

For example: “Christian” in its original use was intended as an insult.

Some individuals, including myself, identify as queer when all other LGBTQ labels don’t quite fit.

@prolificus Thanks for letting me know this. Is this a universal thing? I’m in the USA.

@thriftymaid – I’m not sure how universal is the usage. Check out this wikipedia article for more info.

@thriftymaid pretty accepted here in the U.S. – it’s what I use to identify myself

I think queer was at one time a derogatory term, but it’s since been reclaimed by the LGBTQ community. No one I know (I’m of the younger generation) really takes offense at it.