What kind of criminal would you be?

I’d steal from the rich, and give to the poor.

I would kill serial killers like Dexter.

I’d prey upon senior citizens with a complex boiler room fraud. I would become very wealthy, and no one ever goes to jail for that.

a smooooth criminal…doo doo do do doo doo do do

Judging from how well I am doing at the relatively simple task of keeping my nose clean and earning a decent living these days, I’d most likely spend a great deal of time in jail.

I’ve never thought about this at all. But what comes immediately to mind is to be a swindler of the kind who preys upon greedy, dishonest people—people who are trying to cheat in some way, such as with scams like the Pigeon Drop and cons based on tempting someone to cheat at cards. If you’re honest and straight, you won’t get caught, but if you think you can get something for nothing or cheat somebody else, I’ll burn you.

I suppose… if I had no conscience at all? ... I’d get into politics and be lauded as a hero of the common working man… as I robbed them all blind.

One of the Boondock Saints.

A rebel leader

I would be a starving crimminal. I still remember the gum I stole when I was in 2 nd grade. Found out the store owner like to charge the younger kids a penny more for candy because some of the older kids stole some candy. So I picked up a gum to make up for him stealing from me the day before. Next day I paid extra for gum to make up for the one I stole. However, I never let him cheat me again. I would ask one of my siblings to go with me when I went to buy candy.

Drug dealer! LOL or maybe a bank robber…

Hamburglar. Definitely.

Drug dealer.

ohhh wait… this was supposed to be hypothetical wasnt it….

A bank robber. All I can picture are all those awesome and intricate Heist movies.

A cat burglar, then I can wear cool black clothes and black leather gloves——what I normally wear anyways. Lol.

A serial killer with a very methodic and ritualistic killing style. And I’d have a trade mark: all the fingers except from the middle one would be removed.

Either that, or find me a woman and go on a killing spree Natural Born Killers style.

I would be like Simon Templar from the old Leslie Charteris novels and TV series “The Saint”. Someone who only steal from or swindles bad guys. When I was a kid still living in England we lived in an old Manor House that still had its library intact. All of the books were pre-war and I read my way through many of them. I liked the Saint novels best.

Joker style.

One who goes to sleep at a decent hour – so probably an embezzler rather than a cat burglar!

I’d like to cheat death.

I love @Jeruba‘s answer. I would be a great con artist but I have a strong conscience. Conning the greedy and selfish greatly appeals to me and my frustrated sense of justice.

Jeruba (sigh)

I would be a kidnapper and steal children from their abusers and give them to rich families who want children.

@janbb Hey!

;-)

It’s Jeruba * sigh *

It is Jeruba…*sigh *

Probably an illegal street racer. Having a nice set of heavily modified cars and lots of money? Awesome. Either that or a professional bank robber.

I wouldn’t like to be some sort of vigilante because I wouldn’t like to have to kill people. With being a vigilant con-artist, what happens to another “bad” con-artist’s family when you go and rip them him off big time? That would sit on my conscience too much.

You guys made me laugh while I was paying bills. That ain’t easy. Thanks.

Something like ole Billy the Kid, but with my I.Q. I would end up as Billy the Kid with Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy’s results!

I would have a very short criminal life; I would get caught the first time I tried something.

Im a firebug. I would be an arsonist.

I’d probably join some intelligence agency – then I could engage in criminal activities for the sake of national security, and have legal immunity.

White collar mushroom cultivator. Shouldnt even be a crime.

Id do it myself long enough to hire someone to do it for me, then Id reap all the benefits: monetary and psychoactive.

Remember how guilty the kid looked in Midnight Express- that would be me. So I’d be the in jail kind of criminal. And they would teach me how to rob the rich properly!

I’d be the kind of criminal that convinces you to commit the crime for me.

I would be the worst criminal in history. I suck at anything having to due with nuances and knowing I was hurting someone else would lead me to confess the crime in about .10 of a nanosecond.

I’d be one of those who has some ridiculous motive.
Like, I’d blow a hole in the side of a bank so I could run off with the money and go straight to PetsMart to stock up on Fancy Feast for my cat Snuffles.

A thief of rare/ first edition books.

derp.

At least I think so. Not because I like reading, though I do, but because playing Pokemon for the last decade has turned me into an avid collector of anything collectible (unless it’s like stamps or quarters or something, which bore me, no offense).

So yeah, a criminal collector. Like Team Rocket, except with less fail.

I’d make an excellent hitman or serial killer…. I have an decent knowledge of forensics, & forensic psychology, plus I can do anything I want regardless of how horrible.

I would be a contortionist.

I’d do drug business.

I would be a graffitist, sneaking around at night, creating masterpieces on the sides of boring old buildings.

An international jewel thief in the style of Raffles.Suave, sophisticated, charismatic, with a dash of panache.A gorgeous girl in every major city.I wonder should I….... hmmmm interesting career move it has possibilities.

I would be a peeping tom. lol

this pretty much.

I’d be a deranged serial killer living on the edge of some remote backwater town, (Kinda like right now.) and my shoddy and rotting house would be surrounded by unhealthy cattle and pigs and chickens, and empty bottles and plastic dolls with the eyes removed would hang everywhere and I’d have a huge backyard where I’d keep the cars of the people that randomly went by and that I happened to intercept with my 1930’s tow truck, so I could capture them, bring em in my basement and torture them with outdated surgical equipment (Spit on it for sterilization.) while talking about Orcus, Satan and the need to revolutionize one’s sense of individualism; all with a nice potty mouth assorted with various cuss words such as fuck, bitch, cunt, die peon, zounds, CURSES! and bitch, the next thing that comes out of your mouth better be some brilliant fucking Mark Twain shit ‘cuz it’s definitely getting chiseled on your tombstone.
After that I’d finish off my victims with farm tools, (Gas powered ones when I felt really horny, hand powered pitchforks and scythes to maintain an allure of the classic.) make my furniture and various household ornaments from their remains, and use what can’t be made into a doorknob or towel rack as dinner.

Eventually, the authorities would get wind of the strange, creepy but apparently harmless bag lady that lives near route 71, alone with her ruined cattle, a remnant of her abusive and alcoholic husband’s farm.
I would be taken in, not without some resistance of course, preferably three or thirteen troopers dead in the result, and then someone would psychologically analyze me and thrown me in the slammer to be forgotten forever, except under the guise of countless cheesy horror films based on my story, which all claim to be based on a ’‘troo storeez’’.

Why? Cuz I like horror movies, and I always find myself rooting for the antagonist. I find that the presentation in flicks like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or The Devil’s Rejects or again Wrong Turn to be artistic and clever, in its own way. Share the wealth man…even if I have to slit your fucking throat with rusty barbed wire.

But in real life, if a scenario like the multi slasher genre would occur, that would be fucking horrible and I’d want no part of it.

Realistically speaking, I’d just be arrested for owing too much money to government place or for shoplifting makeup from the drug store.

This answer was not meant to be this lengthy…got carried away perhaps?

@Symbeline I don’t think I’d like to be a character in one of your dreams.