Can someone please read/critique my poem?

I think it’s a pretty darn good poem. And I’m very snippy about terrible poems. How old are you, ace? I think it’s a good poem because it’s emotionally complex; good stuff isn’t cancelled out by bad stuff or vice versa; you tell the truth (“You used me.I used you.We’re fucked.”) (Everyone honest knows this condition but most people pretend only THEY got fucked.)
Excited to see what other people say. I’m on your side.

Wow.. I agree with @susanc. That was very good, I read it twice. It’s not a tradtional poem but that’s what I like about it.

@aceofdiamonds Oh and welcome to Fluther btw!

I think it has a makings of a cool and relevant song.

Love it!! x

:) thanks guys. haha i was expecting the worst! I’m seventeen by the way, @susanc.

When are we going to see another one?!?!?

yes I agree… do you have a blog? you should…

Unfortunately, it didn’t touch a nerve…left me wondering why a shift from love to dreams . . .

You must consider that at Poem Reading Events there is no re-read or instant replays in order to get what you’re trying to say.

my 2 cents

[It seems to me that you are writing a poem about the remorse you feel after casual sex but you are not taking responsibility for your actions. I think that would make it a stronger poem]

They lie to you
books, movies, music
about love at first sight
because lust gets in the way [of what? the books etc. tell you or what you choose to do?]
touch kiss caress
then leave.
there IS no point [to what?]
a dream:[what is the dream? the actual physical encounter?]
fleeting
temporary
surreal
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
I. Don’t.
gasp
Do. This.
but i did.
and dreams don’t leave you numb
insensitive. confused. miserable.
and dreams
they fly away
as soon as you choose to remember them
your kiss:
fleeting
temporary
surreal
passionate
wild
painful..
teasing..
slow..
soft..
STOP.
You used me.
I used you. [I don’t see this at all because you are so full of regret and I’ll bet he isn’t
We’re fucked. [conclusion doesn’t follow except literally]

I. Don’t.
gasp
Do. This.
but i did.

this is the most interesting part of the poem for me: implied rejection then acceptance and the shift from I to i…questions of self and such

that “gasp” is the whole act…iunno, seems a little disappointing…?

@anartist, thanks for your input. I’ll take that into consideration.
@unique… glad you noticed that :) Yeah, the gasp is supposed to suggest the act, the attempt at protesting…. and in the original, it’s bolded and two sizes smaller than the rest of the poem. I’m not sure i get what you mean though, the dissapointing?

four letters in tiny type suggest to me that the sex was the smallest part of this whole wanting and regretting cycle (and by interpretation, not so awesome).

second reading notes: i agree with @anartist about the point and the dream. further, the before and after dreams don’t reconcile. i really like the “and dreams…” (and the repetition) but it doesn’t map to the “a dream:” for me.

ahhh… yeah. exactly. that was the point! woot! hm.. as for the dream thing. pretty sure it’s against the rules for a writer to have to explain a poem, right? :/ that being said, would it make more sense if i said,

in dreams:
the feeling is fleeting
temporary
surreal

then, it would still parallel with:

your kiss:
fleeting
temporary
surreal

hm.. still working on it…

i’m still not sure what you’re doing with the dreams. the paralleling is not a problem for me it’s the mechanics of it.

you seem to be equating dreams with lust (pre/post coitus), but they aren’t (they fly away) because for the narrator, choosing to remember doesn’t make it “STOP”.

i’m not sure how the “and dreams don’t” (all sandwiched in between the dreamy-lusty-memory-y parts) fits. dreams are fleeting, dreams don’t, your kiss: dreamy…

yeah?

I think it’s very, very good. Send it to the new yorker magazine

I always read poems out loud. And so, unfortunately, I am going to have to be the villain here and say that it doesn’t flow, not quite. I can’t catch the rhythm of the words out loud.

The good bits: ”I. Don’t. / gasp / Do. This. / but i did.” and from the line ”STOP.” to end. However, I am not too fond of the lists of adjectives starting at ”a dream:” and ”your kiss:” simply because it is telling me what’s happening, and I want to see it. The first quoted good bit is expressive; the adjectives aren’t.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s New Yorker material. I don’t mean to be discouraging, much less hurtful. Instead I’m trying to respond with care and thought to the question asked.

Honestly, I didn’t think you had a poem here until I got to the last two lines. The double meaning packs a nice punch and made me wish for more of that same artistry from the top down.

The rest expresses a lot of feeling, to be sure, but it’s simply too literal to be real poetry, and there are too many words that could easily be exchanged for other words without loss. It should have such integrity (= wholeness) that its parts snap together like pieces of a plastic puzzle and hold their shape.

I would advise against relying on typography (e.g., size, font) for meaning. It can be done, but it’s risky. And “gasp” is almost cartoonish. I thought that was the weak point; it almost buckled and broke right there.

You have a good idea and a good depiction of an inner conflict and regretful outcome. You can do something with this, but I don’t think you’ve done it yet.

It had parts with potential but I agree with the user above whereas it seems the writer is bitter about it and feels betrayed and SHE is the one being used – not the guy. It is the girl who ends up fucked (both literally and physically), by the guy.

Most can’t love, and look for excuses.