How to get over the fact you messed up many opportunities for friendship by being slightly negative?

Perhaps figure out why you have to put yourself down publicly. You have done it here on more than one occasion.

i’m shy. and I always think of my self as a piece of c*ap. Useless and stupid. etc.

This is a powerfully negative self-image. You start there, with a therapist or psychiatrist. And I believe that you also have some medical issues to deal with. Repeating the scenario with Fluther doesn’t seem to be helping you. Even though you get to vent, you don’t seem to be able to change the way you think or feel by reading our answers.

I do not mean to sound unkind; I really feel very sad when I read your questions.

don’t say anything negative about yourself.

Gosh. When I first saw this question thought you were talking about here at floofer. Imagine my dismay. But lookit – you can practice HERE. Right? You can practice saying things here in a more positive (or at least neutral) way. It’s true that it changes your way of thinking. So I guess the real question is, are you ready to change? We’ll find out soon enough. Good luck.

Those types of statements aren’t just slightly negative. They read like an attempt to manipulate the other person to reassure you. If I read such a statement from someone I was dating, it would throw up a red flag to me that he was emotionally needy & need constant reasurrance.

Live and learn. First within then without. And accepting yourself even when you don’t live up to your own standards is the first step. If you don’t believe in yourself why should anyone else?

You make yourself seem like you’re not worth their time. Correct your posture and thank them for a great time instead of insulting yourself.

Your comments to these people are very negative, not slightly negative. They’re a way of seeking support and affirmation from these people. When you say, “maybe you’re busy and don’t need friends,” or “I’m afraid you’ll hate me,” it’s similar to when a person fishes for complements, even though you might not realize that that’s what you’re doing. Because when you say something like this, what you’d really like to hear back is, “No, I had a great time! You’re awesome.” Or something like that.

A minor version of this happens all the time in conversations. I was having dinner at my grandmother’s house the other day, and she does it. If you say, “dinner was great, grandma!” she’ll say, “Thanks, I just whipped it up in 15 minutes,” or “I’m glad you think so, but I thought the meat was too dry.” And of course, I go on to say, “No, no, really, everything was great.”

My friends and I do this, too. My best friend jokingly calls her car the bucket and says it’s an old piece of crap. Then I’ll say, “I know you love that car! Thanks for driving.” This give-and-take may be predictable, but it strengthens connections between people by letting them give each other complements, which reinforces their value to each other.

Back to what you say to people in your e-mails. The things you’re saying are way too negative. Saying stuff like that tells someone that you don’t think you are worth their time. You would love for them to contradict you and say, “I don’t hate you, you’re not a piece of crap, etc.” Even if they liked you initially, saying stuff like this to a new friend will just make them think that they’ll always bolster your confidence and pull you out of self-loathing. That’s very draining and overwhelming, especially for a new person.

When you meet someone new, you need to keep things fun and casual at first. If you have a fun time hanging out, send a follow-up e-mail and just say that you had fun. Suggest something else fun that you might both be interested in, and ask if they’d like to go. Or just ask about their life and their opinions. Just have a regular conversation.

Yes, you must find a way to build your self esteem because without a strong sense of self you are not going to have much success with a relationship.

You have to be the kind of person that someone wants to be around.

@Haleth is right. It’s a not so subtle way of trying to avoid rejection except you don’t even leave open the possibility of acceptance because you beat them to the punch and almost insist that they dismiss you. This seems like a highly ingrained habit and will take a lot of effort to overcome but you can do it. Keep your eyes on the prize. Think bigger and take small risks.

@SeventhSense Thanks. That’s what I was trying to get at, but your explanation is much clearer.

Ok but now i messedup all my oportunities > i feel like i don’t have any more energy to try. how do i get that energy back?

You’re not going to find it here. I repeat; find a good therapist and try to sort things out.

You don’t have to be this outgoing, social guy all at once. Now that you know what you’re doing and why, you can start to relate to people in healthier ways (maybe with the help of a psychologist if you need it.) In the mean time, just do what you can when you’re ready. What you were doing before to meet people was great- you can still meet new people by doing just what you’re doing already. Or if you felt like you had a good connection with someone you met before, you can send them a quick e-mail. Something like, “I had a good time hanging out with you, but unfortunately my last message was kind of negative. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been doing well lately. I’m having fun doing (hobby, activity, etc.) How have you been?”

I would like to suggest you search the thousands of self-help websites all over the internet, rather than taking the efforts of sincere people for granted. This s a very common problem that is covered quite well on those websites.

Just don’t be that way anymore. You should now know that people shy away from people who are always negative.

@Haleth
My favorites were in school. I’ve always had artistic ability I remember as a kid in elementary school someone with “questionable skills” always coming up to me to show me some art and their comments was invariably, “This really stinks right?” And I would say no this part is good and this part…but eventually it became so annoying I would just be like, “Yes you’re right it sucks.” (P.S.- I never did this as a teacher though!)
@joscketSeper
If any person tries to get their self esteem from another whether that be their approval, praise or acceptance then that is a very tenuous position to place oneself. Invariably no matter how groveling, nice or serving you are you will be disappointed by a reaction and devastated because you’ve handed them the keys to your well being and they didn’t even ask for them.
Take them back and don’t ever give them away again. It is your responsibility. If they like you fine. If they don’t fine. There are 6,815,100,000 more people on the planet.

@SeventhSense Except me. I don’t like anybody :D

Ok 6,815,100,000 minus phillis….

You’re essentially saying to people “I’m not worthwhile.” They believe you. Stop telling people things about yourself that you don’t want them to think.

Look at the way you present yourself on Fluther. “W,X,Y,Z is wrong with me.” You’ve said very little, if anything, about your interests, your likes, your dislikes your passions, your area of expertise. How do you think that causes people here to think of you?