Should we include a person with OPD* on the trip?

I would give person A a chance to clean up her act, if she didn’t I would not invite her on the next trip and ask person B instead.

It’s not confusing but it is a sticky situation. You have to talk to them both face to face (not necessarily at the same time). You have to tell friend B “look a bunch of us are working on the trip again this year and it’d be great if you could come but given how the past couple of times have gone and all the drama, I will ask person A not to come this time around”. You have to tell Person A “look a bunch of us are working on the trip again and I know in the past we’ve experienced tension and I’m really sorry but this time around I think we’ll just go it alone and maybe we can work out our issues some other time after the trip”.

You make it tricky by treating it as though it were tricky. Tell your friend what the consensus is, and either she’ll deal, or she won’t deal. If it’s clear to her that you want to include her but you don’t like her pal, she will have no reason to feel hurt.

No, don’t invite her. Be very clear with Person B, or else be prepared for a sucky trip.

Not “tricky” – “sticky”

Heh, reminded me of a riddle: what’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

XD

Pick out the person in your original group who is comfortable belling the cat. Have her talk to person B only and lay it out courteously but clearly. I don’t think there’s a chance of changing someone’s fundamental personality, do you?

@bob: a stick!

I am wondering what the other persons that went on the trip were called?

@rebbel I’m gonna take a wild guess and say Persons C, D, E and F?

I would do one of two things. Either ask the person who refuses to go if Person A is involved to do the planning. Then it is that person’s problem, and if Person A comes to you to ask why, just tell them to ask the person making the plans.
or
You or the group be up front and honest with Person A. Be specific about what behavior was ‘awful’ and what you expect if they want to be included. You will either make a very grateful friend, or lose an annoying aquaintance. Rebuke a fool and he will hate you. Rebuke a wise man and he will love you.

What was the obnoxious behavior?

Whats OPD?

A therapist who is part of the group says that Person A has a personality disorder and that even therapy cannot help with that. Anyone know if that’s true?

I would tell your friend.I’ll bet she already knows her friend is a pain anyway.You have nothing to lose.Painting should be relaxing and fun—that’s why it’s a solitary thing for me—lol
Good luck :)

@janbb Well, just because she’s a therapist doesn’t mean her diagnosis is correct (given just those experiences you describe) or that therapy won’t help.

I don’t know if the woman has a personality disorder, but it is true that many, though not all, personality disorders are intractable. It is to be noted that disorders that have been considered untreatable for years are now being successfully treated, so it’s a moving target.

Oh – obviously I wasn’t asking anyone to tell me if Person A has a personality disorder – how would you know – but whether personality disorders are untreatable. Thanks, @dpworkin.

@Coloma

OPD=Obnoxious Personality Disorder.

The answer to this alludes those who would prefer anthing , opting instead to avoid it entirely, instead of being honest. Is it any wonder it hasn’t been resolved? From what I am understanding, some of these people are her friends. Where does their responsibility to thier friend lie?

Personally, I don’t believe that honesty has to be brutal in order to see results. But it does have a point, especially in this case. When there is a point to be made, it might hurt, no matter how gently you apply it. But avoiding this is only prolonging the negativity of everyone involved. Meanwhile, she is aware there is a problem, but I cannot tell whether she knows quite what that problem is. Can someone give her a hand and let her know? Maybe she would fix it if she knew about it.

In the meantime, it befalls this person to show a little consistency if she decides to work on it. That, however, requires time. If she decides to work on this, she could use a little support in the form of acknowledgement as proof that people see her efforts and appreciate them. But it doesn’t mean everyone needs to be stuck in a car and a trip with her for hours on end, listening to her griping and complaining. She earned the right to be left behind because she didn’t use self-control.

Her issues created victims out of other people, whether she intended to do that, or not. She seems old enough to know these things, but adults make mistakes along these lines all the time. Responsibility on all sides needs to be acknowledged.

@Brian1946

Oh..I know a lot of people with OPD then! lol

@Coloma

Yep, that’s one of the more salient features of Fluther!

JK.

Many personality disorders are indeed treatable. BPD, ODD, OCD to name three. Many therapists refuse to even try to heal people with PD’s. /end rant

I would get specific examples together and pick three that best represent the issues. Talk to the person and tell them that if they can’t control these behaviors that they aren’t going to be invited again.

Or, let the group trip die a natural death because no one will go. Perhaps later, when things have changed, start it up again.

Just to clarify, OPD (as defined in the details) is just what I am calling it. It is a term from the TV show Designing Women not from the DSM. But the therapist described her as having a personality disorder in a private conversation when I said that Person A needed lots of therapy.

@Dr_Dredd

Good question.

My answer might vary depending on whether she liked to rob gas stations along the way or whether her clothing was garish.

I don’t want to detail all her obnoxious behaviors, suffice it to say she is narcississtic, needy and very talkative. This is all making clearer to me what way we should be heading.

Now way! I’d be up front with person B and give examples from the past trips of how it was or could have been lovely for all involved excepting person A. It’s not person B’s fault person A is a retard and no one else should be expected to give up their hard earned pleasure time for an unwanted and uncontributing person if they don’t have to. Fark that, I wouldn’t see my precious fun time and money go to tolerating one when I could be really enjoying everyone else.

People with such disorders should at least have the sense to recognize their limitations and remove themselves from situations where they cause problems. I practice what I preach; I have Aspergers Syndrome and intentionally exclude myself from social situations or at least keep my mouth shut when I can’t avoid them. Many conditions are untreatable, but people with such conditions do not have the right to inflict themselves on others.

Do you have an idea of how person B feels about person A?

Perhaps she feels the same as you and might be agreeable to excluding A.

Let the friend come as you will only piss off your other friend or at the very least start a clique war with her. Just slip some Rohypnol in her drink or if that is outside your realm bake some Ex-lax brownies and she will be out of your hair for the duration!

@Cruiser

“Just slip some Rohypnol in her drink….”

LOL- good idea!
That way they can put A in the trunk, so even if she recovers, she’ll be much less of a nuisance during the drive at least.

I’m thinking you should invite @phillis and have her talk to A and B. And lower the boom on both of them if necessary.

I think you should pay @phillis’ way, too, and probably offer her a generous salary to be the group leader.

Plan the trip without A, she knows she’s a bitch. Let B know why. Hopefully B will understand and go along. Take off and have fun.

Yep, the more one doth protest their stuff, the guiltier they are! lol

You can always tell by someones reaction just how close you have come to the truth.

I think that I would be honest with Person B. I would tell her that the rest of the group simply can’t tolerate Person A, and if Person B wants to come along on this year’s trip, she must do it without Person A along.

@marinelife Yes, I think that is what we were leaning toward before I posted this and I think that’s what we will end up doing. Thanks all!

Late teens, early twenties, we would plan trips to Tahoe for the weekend. If J or F was coming, some people wouldn’t want to go, because J and F were both OPD. However, if both were coming, everyone wanted to go, because the fireworks were hysterical.

“OPD” has got to be the most obnoxious thing to call an obnoxious person…

There is a good chance person A has already figured out C,D,E and F didn’t like her and she may not be as keen on spending time with these people as you think. Ask B if you still want her to join you and if or when the A issue comes up tell B the truth, that CDE and F would prefer A stay home.