(sigh) How do I cope with a long-distance, mother-daughter love-hate relationship that has been incredibly complicated and overwhelmingly draining?

This is such a personal and tricky situation, I don’t feel comfortable giving advice. I can tell you what works for me.

I remind myself that I can’t open a can of peas and expect corn. It just won’t happen. I used to keep myself emotionally open- that’s what we’re taught we have to do with our parents, right? Wrong. Totally wrong.

I had to learn how to pull back. Not to be unfeeling- because I do feel- yet to keep myself from expecting this need I have to be met by her. She meets many needs, in her own way, yet I have to remind myself she will give me what she gives me and it’s up to me to decide where to put it. Instead of taking on and owning her pain, fears and the like- I created an emotional area for me to put those things in.

It’s hard to explain, in a way. I sat down one night and in the quiet, I created a new emotional space inside myself to put those emotions into. I imagined it like this: my emotions are like an old castle. Unhealthy people are kept on the other side of the wall and moat. Healthy acquaintances are allowed beyond the moat and perhaps the courtyard from time to time. Healthy friends are allowed in the main floors and halls. My husband and family (most of them) are allowed in the private areas of the castle. Enter, my relationship with mom. She is allowed in the private areas. Her issues that hurt me are kept outside the emotional walls. Past the moat, because I care, but not so close that it taints my inner sanctum.

Sorry that was so long- but it was the best way I knew how to explain it. My only advice- remember you get to control how she affects you. Never forget you have the power to choose what goes where inside you, emotionally. If you can figure out how to do this it will free you up from worrying about talking to her/taking on her issues, and allow you to enjoy her as she is while you still have her.

JMHO, perhaps you could think about just how often you can talk to your mom and then for how long. That may change from week to week and that’s ok.

I have a different family situation, but one that is very hard to deal with. I can only talk to her every 4 months and then I need to a LOT of self care after I do talk to her.

It is wonderful that you want to support your mom like you do. Just make sure you are doing things that support you too.

Does Mom have others to vent to about her health? I applaud you for your independence. I chose the co-dependence route of a crazy relationship and it is not easy. She turns 91 tomorrow.

@gemiwing is right. But is hard to keep her out of the moat. especially with other family dysfunctions.

You are doing awesome. hang in there. Be strong. Compassion rules.

I didnt realize you knew my mother so well!!

For me, it was a mother-son relationship, but your description is almost identical to what I experienced. My mother did not have the health problems, but it didnt matter. She always found some other context make me her whipping boy.

Wait….I feel myself sliding into depression right now….oh, then I remember she has passed into the land of everlasting joy….MAYBE!!

@gemiwing – Brilliant metaphor for mapping out emotional self-care!!!!! GA!!!!!!! Thank you!

@tranquilsea – I did have a plan of calling on a specific day. And, when she calls on those non-scheduled days, I usually let it go to voicemail and check it later.

Last fall, my dad literally had a near-death experience during surgery, and we almost lost him. I got the phone call in the morning, and after planes, trains, and automobiles, I was in the intensive care unit talking to my very-much-alive dad who was in a coma before I got on the plane. Ever since then, it has been (more) difficult for me to let the phone go to voicemail. And, my heart sinks whenever I get expected phone calls from my folks. It is very stressful. (I’m the youngest of many relatives, and the life-cycle of my aunts, uncles, and parents is near the end. Lately, I find myself dreading the dropping-off-like-flies effect to the point I feel anxious constantly.)

I agree about having a self-care plan. I do my best, but the feelings of helplessness and anxiety when it comes to this specific issue seem impossible to resolve at times.

@jazmina88 – Thank you. “Especially with other family dysfunctions”... I could write a book!! Mom does vent to other family members, but not to the level she does with me. She does not have any friends, except for fair-weather ones.

@plethora – Being a whipping boy ain’t no fun! I wonder if this type of mom has a knack for picking on the kid who can take the whipping.

It sounds to me like your mom is a burden for you. Do you enjoy being with her at all? shouldn’t you be enjoying her las moments and take her advice? she seems to keep saying this, perhaps she feels like you’re hearing but not listening, I think your mom is scared. :(

Yes, I do think they have a knack for dishing it out on the one that can take it. At least mine did. I literally, upon the advice of a good female counselor, cut off communication for several years. It was a matter of survival. The good news is that when she did become ill (a couple of years before her death), her old personality disappeared because she had real issues of her own, and I was able to reconnect with her and be the good son and actually had some tender moments with her which were very healing for me.

I guess the moral here, at least in my case, is that death ain’t all bad. It could bring a genuine healing time for you, so it may not be something to fear.

With apologies @Ludy you’ve never been there. You are thinking in terms of “normal”. This is not normal. It is dysfunctional to the max.

@Ludy – Burden is an understatement. However, I do enjoy lots of things about her! When she’s not OCD’ing on her issues and concerns, she is an amazing person! She’s compassionate, loving, passionate, a fighter, smart, creative, hard working, tenacious, fun-loving, nurturing, kind, giving, loving, thoughtful, wise, etc. etc. etc.

The position she’s placed me in is very difficult. I won’t go into detail here. It is much more complicated than I’ve described in the question.

My mom is scared. But, in many ways, it is a fear that hasn’t been dealt with since her mother’s death. And, she keeps on repeating herself because it is a fear that won’t go away even though I have listened plenty of times.

@plethora – Many times I have consoled myself with the idea of finding genuine healing after someone else’s death. Yet, to do so, feels really selfish and cruel of me. I don’t want to live with the hope of happiness upon someone else’s death. It’s just not right for me. (I’m not saying you did this… I’m saying this is something I’ve done and wrestle with often.)

When I moved far away (several states away) from my folks, I spent some time having absolutely no communication with them. Through a long process, I re-established regular contact.

In the case of my parents, it seems like the aging process has magnified their personalities and irritating traits. I want to be the good daughter and have tender moments with my folks, but vulnerability feels unsafe to me because the things that were damaging to me when I was younger are mutated into an older version of my folks.

@plethora, I appreciate hearing your experience. Thank you for sharing it with me.

I didn’t mean to imply that her death itself was a positive thing (although in fact it was). More that the time leading up to her death was a healing time for me because she changed so much and really became somewhat tender, which was very healing for me.

@plethora – I didn’t think you were implying such things =)

Have you tried just talking with her about the fact that you love her dearly, you are concerned about her, but that you need to talk about other things for your own health, and really for hers too? Even though she has health issues it is not good to obsess about them either.

Also, have your tried just redirecting her when you do talk to her?

As a last resort you could have some come up that you need to get off the phone to handle.

@tranquilsea – Yes to everything. And, nothing changes on her end and it is still very draining on my end.

Then you could get another phone/line and give the number to someone who would call you if something happened that was urgent. Then keep screening her calls until you feel like you can handle it.

@tranquilsea – Practically speaking, I don’t know how that would work. But, your suggestion has given me an idea to explore… the possibility of finding someone professional she can vent to on the phone.

@tranquilsea I went thru all those steps and more in a situation very similar to @prolificus None of them worked and my answer is exactly the same as @prolificus. There is no relief from the calls. it gets to the point where the mere anticipation of the calls is stressful and draining. Even if you defer the calls, you know you will pay a price for that when you do talk.

I finally came to realize that, in truth, my mother simply did not care what I was experiencing. She was going to do as she pleased regardless of the mental and emotional cost to me. In one discussion in which I was trying to explain how stressful her actions were, she just said “learn how to handle stress”. That’s when I knew for sure that she simply didnt give a shit….and shortly thereafter I found the strength to cut off all communication.

@plethora – Woah and wow and GA!!!!

Perhaps her own mothers death was such a shock, she doesn’t want you to be in the same position as she was.
And I am sure she is extremely frightened.
I am sure when you were a child, you came to her with whatever was bothering you, and she would listen to you, and do whatever she could to resolve things.
Could you do the same? I know you can’t resolve her health issues, but just be there for her. She won’t be around always, and you may regret things in the future.

@Prolificus I see a couple of things here. Maybe they’ll add a tiny piece to the puzzle so that it makes a little more sense. If not, that’s okay, too.

Your mom felt a tragic loss that affected her deeply at the age of 30. Her mother died. Though she is a little confused, she has nevertheless gone to great lengths to protect you from the same devastation she felt. Quite obviously, this woman loves you intensely, because lookit – for 40 years, she has put forth tremendous effort to prepare you for her own death….which is something else she is afraid of. How human.

Your mother is dealing with a hell of a lot of fear, Prolificus. She can’t control ANY of what is happening to her. Not her pendng death, nor that her body is failing her in so many ways. What I find sadly ironic is that, while she has tried so hard to help you, she has carried her own pain from her mother’s death for 40 years. She never had any appropriate outlet which could help her come to terms with it. My God, that’s a long time to carry around so much pain!

She’s absolutely right, you know. I’ve watched a lot of people die. No matter how prepared you are….no matter how long an ill person takes to die…..the end is always sudden. A funny thing I noticed in your details, despite that distance is relative, you twice spoke of being a lengthy distance from her. To a lot of people, 2 states away is not an overwhelming distance. But to you, it is. It speaks of your connection to her. Unless you can resolve these feelings, her death is going to be a lot more painful to you than it has to be. There is no need to live with regret over things passed.

If you can step outside yourself and view the situation as a stranger would, you’ll be able to see both her intense love for you, and her pain, very clearly. And THAT is the key that is going to help you reconcile your conflicting feelings for yourself and your mother. You are right, too, you know. That middle-of-the-night, bad news phone call is very much your reality. The days of luxuriously indulging your own feelings over what’s fair to you are over now. When you were both young, you could afford to do that. You had all the time in the world. But your mother has run out of time, darlin’. If she could change it for you, she would.

This is where your motivation will come from to enable you to renew your dedication to her. Your love toward her is so clear! So let your love for her motivate you. How hard s it, really….to support her for the duration of one phone call at a time? As right as you are that it isn’t fair to you, being right no longer matters. Take it one phone call at a time, then let it go. One phone call at a time, then let it go. One phone call at a time, then let it go…...so that you can be there for both of you. This is what will heal you both so that you can give a clean goodbye. So, no more regrets, okay? The time to celebrate her isn’t after she’s gone. It’s now.

You will have to step outside yourself and you own emotions in order to help her in the way you so obviously want to be there for her. Right now, you’re struggling to help someone else, but it’s coming from a “me”-centered mentality. That’s why you’re struggling so hard. For some reason, no one in your family, nor any of your mother’s frends, has ever been able to support your mother through her pain, though I am certain that they all tried.

Whatever the reason, she has tried her damndest to prevent it from happening to you, but she couldn’t help you anymore than she could help herself. What is so profound is that she never gave up trying for you. It is her love for you that fueled all those annoying talks she had with you, not the talks themselves, that is so incredible. Are you an only child?? I can easily feel her frustration, her guilt, and her pain of feeling helpless to protect her own child. I am positive that she wept bitterly many times over that.

@phillis I am so moved with your advise, I truly am tearful. Do you do some type of counseling? That is extremely insightful. I don’t think there is anything else anyone could say to prolificus, that could help anymore. My sisters live with regret, for lack of attention to mom. I was the lucky one, I got to take care of her, giving me memories they will never have.

Aww, @Rangie…..I wanted to try to put Prolificus in touch with what really matters, that’s all. She and her mother are on borrowed time. I wanted better for her than living with any unnecessary regrets. I have had my share of regrets that I had to work extra hard toward coming to terms with. Does that make me an expert? Hardly. It makes me very human, though. :)

@phillis, I would say anybody that has lived through a particular situation is more of an expert than a counselor is. You lived it, you felt it, you are probably still living it.

If someone is in a quandary, it is my opinion to talk to people that have been in her shoes. The rest of us, can only imagine. I know her thoughts are not necessarily the same as yours would be phillis, nor her mom the same as your. So she may need to explore, with a few other people to see how they handled the very same situation. Then she will be more able to evaluate her own situation. I don’t know how old she is, but that has to be considered as well.

@phillis Ummm….Having spent a large part of my life in a situation similar to the one she describes, but having escaped about 15 years ago, I’m thinking (speaking only from my own experience) her mother’s fears and good intentions probably don’t come close to compensating for the stress of having to deal with her mother’s external actions. Further, I am farther along the curve than she is and I’m glad to have had a couple of years (stretching it) of a halfway decent relationship, quite frankly her passing was not terribly painful for me. It, in fact, was a great relief, and I have not one regret. One benefit is that my relationship with my sister has improved immeasurably without my dear mother planting lies about us behind the other’s back, especially about me to my sister. I’m just very happy that I was able to rescue myself when I did. Things ain’t always as they appear….:)

@phillis – I appreciate your thoughts and advice. To answer your question, I am not an only child. However, I am the only daughter.

I get what you’re suggesting, and to some extent I agree with it. But, I’ve not described the whole picture here in order to protect privacy. There are elements of the dynamic I have with my family that require me to limit how I interact with my mom.

I do get my mom’s perspective. I’ve been a dutiful daughter, a historian of her experience, a sounding board, and a comforting shoulder for her to lean upon. I’ve listened to every word she’s shared. I respect and love my mother beyond description. My heart for her is not the problem. My ability to see beyond myself is not the issue.

@plethora I am so sorry that was your experience. I can’t say I would shed a single tear if I happen upon my mother’s obituary one day. Of all the toxic people a person can have in their life, a toxic mother hurts us the worst. I completely understand your sentiments.

@Rangie I no longer have those regrets, but they are still newly resolved as of several years ago, so yeah, they still have a little sting left in them. I had to work my ass off just to get this far. Forgiving one’s self is a monumental task when you’ve no idea how to go about it. That sucked, too.

@phillis Yeah….“toxic mother” is a phrase with which I became all too familiar.

@prolificus Yeah…..not much anyone can do with that I guess. I wish I hadn’t spent so much effort on only part of a story, but okay. I understand.

@plethora I know you plenty well enough to know that you didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry you hd a mother similiar to mine :(

@phillis Ah well…..the blessings finally arrive, on wings of angels one might say..:)

@phillis – No, I do appreciate what you wrote! Honest! I thought about it for several hours and tried to figure out ways I can approach my mom from a different perspective other than the one I have.

In fact, I just got off the phone with her. We had a very nice, hour-long conversation! I was able to set aside some defensive walls and have a normal conversation with her. It was nice!

Edit: @phillis – I even used some of your words to engage my mom in conversation! So, no effort on your part was wasted! :)

@phillis @plethora @prolificus I am so sorry for all of you. I cannot relate. Mine, was just the opposite situation. I put my mother on pedestal, and never wanted her to come down. It took at least 7 or 8 years to come to the conclusion she still lives within. Everybody can find something to regret if they want to. The hard part is finding a way to deal, so you won’t or hopefully won’t have them. You are all very strong people, I doubt there isn’t anything you can’t handle. Much love and power to each of you.

@prolificus Good for you. I know that felt good..:)

Awesome, Prolificus. How did she respond? I do hope it helped a little, and (for your PM) your welcome.

Damn, this page is seriously screwed UP!! It’s all crammed to one side of the page and the font is messed up. Anybody else having this problem?

@phillis Exit and reload..:)

@plethora uhh…are we still talking about the page? Hehehe :)