Have you ever remodeled part of your home, and have it almost cost you your marriage?

Really? On inside doors? That’s stupid. Doors aren’t that important, especially if it’s inside doorways.

These are doorways that show the minute you walk in. It would add so much to the over all look. I had the architect draw it both ways and he agrees with me, that it would make a huge difference, especially for resale.

I hate to say this, but we took OUT a rounded doorway, put in a regular one & added a door to it. Please don’t let this become a huge deal. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not that important.

If you are having marriage difficulties over such a minor thing, maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship.

When it comes to household renovations, hubby doesn’t care what I do, as long as we can afford it. We even joked about the time he said “Whatever color you want in the family room is fine, as long as it isn’t pink. The color I had already chosen was ‘rose’ which is actually a form of pink, and it looks very good with the dark rose trim around the doors and windows.

@jbfletcherfan Your right it is not that big of a deal, But I alway give in. I always apologize when it is not my fault too. I just want to have this one my way. It would tie in so well with the arch over the kitchen bar.

@YARNLADY My relationship is just fine thank you. It is just in the middle of so many decision, with so many different view points, and having to come to one conclusion, it gets to you after while. The the things that aren’t important, become important, and visa versa. I am glad you got your way with the pink though.

well, it wasnt that drastic. but unlike many marital situations, i am the husband who likes to paint and make changes. usually it’s the wife who wants to change and buy stuff. is it gay that i like stuff to look good?

my wife really does not have an eye for color or change or upgrades.

anyway, that being said: i remember a couple years ago when i had some major landscaping done to fix what the previous homeowner neglected. it was not expensive at all (in my mind) but to my wife it was too much. turned out, the vision worked in my favor. sometimes it takes “balls” and a little creativity with some vision and it all works out in the end.

@charliecompany34 Thank you, I really appreciate your vision. No, it certainly does not make you gay to appreciate how things look. It is nice not to have to follow everybody else. I never try to keep up with the Jones’, I like my own ideas. I will bet you are the one that moves the furniture around in the house too. I like to change thing up and give it a different feel.

My retirement place has rounded doorways, and they are beautiful. Everyone who comes there comments on them.

@filmfann I have seen them in pictures and loved them. Maybe he will like them more if I can show him some pictures. I think they lend a softness to the room. Nobody that I know, ever looks at a square doorway and says, gee that is a really nice looking doorway. I will show him your comment.

It has certainly contributed to a few nights on the couch.

It never hurts to choose your battles wisely. If you decide it is worth it and make it happen, post some pictures!

okay, I will post pictures, if it happens. It may be a while though.

Rangie; You did mention here, I believe, that your husband just celebrated a big birthday; it may be that he would find the construction, dust, and strangers in the house an irritant.

Can you find something else less intrusive to take a stand on? I just had a contractor here for two days to take care of necessities (some stuck window and a screen door that was sprung due to high winds). I am 7 years younger than your husband, and I almost went mad.

(Additionally, this guy was taking down some limbs on big trees – also caused by storm damage. He drove his heavy truck onto my field and got seriously stuck. It took hours for his buddy to show up with a tow truck.)

We are usually remodeling something or other because I always have ideas and Alex is a genius at execution – he has expertise in building, electrical work, etc. – I am in awe of his skill and we never argue about these things because I know our strengths are being combined.

See, we don’t know your situation. I’m seeing a little insight here. If he’s one to always have to have his way, he should let you have this one. After all, this is your house, too.

@simone De Beauvior, Yes I am the designer these days and he is the builder. He is a contractor, but has no vision. Those are his words, not mine. Usually I can find a way to show him my vision, but this time seems to be different. I expect to find him at the top of a ladder in his 90’s. I am like you, I always have ideas, but I have to draw them in detail to scale before he will start.

@Rangie Well that’s good, seems to work for you – just maybe give it a break for now, see what happens in a couple of weeks. It’s easy with Alex because he gets my vision without my having to draw (I’m terrible at that anyway).

I think it is worth further advocating of the rounded doors. He doesn’t know what’s nice, and he admits him. Tell him he should trust your taste here. Tell him it will increase the resale value of the house. It’s unusual and it’s beautiful, and it makes a home feel so much more open and spacious and friendly.

It doesn’t have to be an “issue.” Just a reasoned discussion. Find out his reasons for being opposed to it. Perhaps they are objections you can easily lay to rest.

Like all marital issues—communication, my dear. Communication is what makes all the difference.

@wundayatta Yes, communication. However, we are talking about a gentleman that is slowly losing the ability to reason. He is beginning to forget the words to express himself. We will be seeing the dr. I just know he will love it though, and I really want him to be happy. He deserved it.

@Rangie—For what it’s worth, I love rounded doorways.

I think it has a lot to do with how you “sell” the concept to your husband. All he see’s is the extra work and added cost especially if you have already done a lot. Find examples on line and show him the beautiful pictures of something that will mean a lot to you and let him know just how important it is to you and offer a compromise on another element if you have to. Otherwise stomp your feet and pout real loud!

@Rangie I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s symptoms. That sounds awful. I think you need to look at the literature about communicating with people with dementia. It’s not an area I know—at all. I hope I never have to know, too. I believe there are various stages of loss, and that at some stages, a person is very angry and very difficult to reason with. In any case, I think this is an issue that is relevant to your question and may change people’s answers.

I don’t know what advice to give you (except to research it), but I do hope you get agreement about this, because your rounded openings will be very pleasing, I think.

@evandad who do you suggest find a hobby. and what does that have to do with my Q?

Rangie: Your husband’s medical issues puts a whole new light on your original question.

When my mother started to show severe short term memory loss (in her late 80’s), the nurse recommended this *book. It helped my sister and me enormously. It is a short and easy read

Senile dementia and Alzheimer’s manifest themselves differently. My mother has only dementia and never gets angry or hard to reason with. But my sister and I had to put away our needs and feelings of guilt and do what was best for her, which is, and was, to keep her life simple, calm and free from any unnecessary anxiety.

I will call her tomorrow at 10:30 to remind her to get her toenails cut at the beauty salon at 11:45. I will remind her where the beauty salon is. I can’t call earlier because she will not have her hearing aids in and thus, not hear the phone.

I would strongly suggest you hold off on any interior renovations until you get your husband diagnosed and perhaps medicated. There is no miracle drug but there is Aricept, which slows the progression.

* “Learning to Speak Alzheimer’s: A Groundbreaking Approach for Everyone Dealing with the Disease”: by Joann Koenig Coste. http://www.amazon.com/Learning-Speak-Alzheimers-Groundbreaking-Approach/dp/0618485171

Depending on the architecture of the home, I really like the look of rounded passage ways as well as rounded corners on walls. Small details can make a huge difference in resale/apparaisal value which could be important for refinancing or borrowing against your home, not neccessarily just to sell it. Is it possible to gather a group of mutual friends and/or neighbors for a walk around and gather opinions? It might sway your husband into feeling it’s not such a big deal and even a good choice. I always feel when people are happy with their home then they’re happier together in it.
misses having a nest

Incipient Alzheimer’s or senile dementia change all the rules, please remember. Other people’s opinions may have nothing to do with Rangie’s husband’s current needs.

@gailcalled the kids have also noticed little things changing. They want us to sell his truck. It is a 1 ton dually, and he keep forgetting about the dually part. He has pretty well wiped out both rear fender in the last month. He hit a bridge on one side and a parked car on the other. He has taken much pride in taking care of himself, food, exercise and staying busy. He will never be a person to just sit down and take it easy. He has done so much to take care of me, I just want his life to be the best it can be. I know this is a little issue with the door way, but he has always loved everything I have ever designed before. I asked him why he didn’t want to do the rounded door. He said, ” I don’t know”, except that one change will lead to another. He can’t show me how. If I see he is getting agitated, I will concede.

@wundayatta I have noticed this within the last month. He has only gotten angry once and he didn’t know why. None of us knew why. I think he was confused and realized it and it made him so concerned he became angry. I spent some time talking with him about how we are both feeling. I asked him to talk to me about any concerns he was having. Bless his heart, he just wants to make sure I am happy. I call him on the intercom every morning, as he gets up earlier than I do. We have a fun and lengthy conversation. He can’t wait for his phone call every morning, and neither can I.

You need to learn the art of the deal.I got my husband to finish a drywall project by offering a BJ for every sheet he put up.I never saw him move so fast! LOL

He has only gotten angry once and he didn’t know why. None of us knew why. I think he was confused and realized it and it made him so concerned he became angry.

@Rangie; It sounds, sadly, as though you about to enter a whole new world, with new rules. Get yourself as well educated as you can. I don’t think the concept of the new doors will be a difficult for him as the actual work, which never goes according to plan and can be disruptive.

We have gotten used to dealing with my mother in an entirely new way, but I remember the early days when I didn’t understand her behavior or reactions. I got impatient. it sounds, however, as though you have a wonderful marriage. But he may not be able to articulate what his concerns are now.

My mother keeps saying, “My memory is so rotten.” There is nothing we can do to make it better.

@gailcalled Update. The contractor arrived this morning, and said we have to make a decision on the doorway. I will be doing the sheet rock today. So I showed a picture to Tom and he said ” Oh that is nice, if we do that doorway, maybe we could do that one too”. He said he just couldn’t visualize what I was talking about. So no problem there. However, I still think there is an issue with his health. I most certainly will be taking to the doctor and I will be going in with him. He is the most loving, giving person I know. He is a step-dad and my kids think of him as their other dad. He is a step-grandfather and all of the grandchildren know him as the only real grandpa they know. Even though they have several others. There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for any one of them. Bless his warm heart. I promise you I will take the very best care of him, no matter what.