Should you forgive your parents?

I’m simply not interested in them anymore.

I don’t want them to show up on my doorstep. Ever. Not even to drop to their knees with the most sincere mea culpa.

I also have no interest in “forgiveness”. That would take actually listing in my mind every flaw, and making an excuse for it. Not doing it.

The best gift they could give me is to leave me the hell alone.

My parents fucked up my life quite a bit. However, I don’t think that I could honestly cut them out of my life forever, especially because I have younger siblings that still live at home. If not for anything else, I stay in touch with my parents for them.
Otherwise it would be pretty easy to just completely walk away. No questions asked.

As someone who has lost a parent recently I can tell you the importance of reconciliation.

My grandmother use to beat the shit out of my mom when she was a teenager. I have no idea if there was any apology or if they ever talked about it, but when my grandmother developed Alzheimer’s my mother immediately took her in. It just shows what kind of a person my mother is. My grandmother doesn’t remember the hell she put my mom through so if she never got an apology or any type of closure years ago, then there’s no getting one now. It’s not something that’s on my mom’s mind though. She had the amazing ability to let it go and move on and take care of the family that needed her despite anything that happened in the past.

There was a time when I didn’t speak to my dad.We made up before he died and it was the biggest gift I ever got.He really was a good parent and thankfully I had the chance to tell him before he passed.
As for anyone else,it is such a personal thing and you would have to come to your own conclusions about how you’d like to handle it.Good luck :)

You didnt come with instructions and your parents aren’t perfect people.
Give them a break because one day they’ll be dead and as a kid, you yourself probably did a lot of things that messed them up too.
Realizing this is a big part of growing up.

Whatever they did is over. How you deal with who you are now is all that matters. Shun them if it helps, but that is sometimes just a childish reaction; another way to blame.
If you were damaged (and who wasn’t?) it is now up to you to heal and get over it, or get beyond it.

No I have no regrets…I’m ashamed to have been born out of my parents. As a parent I know where my responsibilities lie and have put their best interests before my own…which I have found comes naturally.

Both my parents who divorced when I was about 18 months have never accepted responsibility for their selfish and despicable actions during my childhood and have always laid the blame on circumstances and others. My mother left her children, including me with a man who was abusive and cruel.

Subsequently I was brought up in ‘care’ from the age of 9 years. Understandably times and attitudes were hard when I was younger and it was pre Children Act 1989 but other families managed. I would fight till the death for my children.

I can now maybe offer them understanding of the dynamics of their relationship, upbringing and environmental factors but they are not deserving of my forgiveness!!

Forgiveness isn’t something you give the person who wronged you. You can forgive your parents even when they’re dead. It’s a hurtle that you reach and it’s not one that you take when you see someone else do it… or when people tell you you should jump it, but you know it’s there, somewhere out there. There is a lot to process and wonder about and go through all the ‘what ifs’ and anger and ‘no ways’. And no one can tell you what forgiveness is.. until you see it, that hurtle… when it arrives.

Yes.

@cazzie

It’s funny you say that. I’ve been in a discussion like this before, and though many people adamantly stated the best thing for myself was to “forgive” my mother, no one could define forgiveness, without using the word itself.

I can’t help but wonder if you have children of your own.

Kids don’t come with a user’s manual and like all humans parents are prone to error.

Of course, I know nothing of your situation or background. You may very well have been irreparably damaged by poor parenting. But in general, parents do the best they can with the knowledge and resources available at the time. It is easy to blame them for all of your ills. But once you have kids of your own and have “walked a mile in their shoes” you generally find out that not only do parents have nothing to apologize for, it is you who should be grateful that they cared enough to shepherd you to adult hood (even though you probably didn’t appreciate their efforts).

@YoBob

I do have a son, and the more time I spend with him, the longer I “walk”, the more I recognize the things that should have been there, but weren’t. So, have a nice day.

We are accountable for our own quality of life when we become adults, regardless of the mistakes of others, past or current. If I didn’t see copious amounts of apparently opposite viewpoints, I wouldn’t have mentioned it.

Parents were human before they were parents. That means they will always be human first. Becoming a parent does not erase personal issues. In fact, most parents readily admit that a child can deftly make you look like a complete idiot in seconds, flat. Having children often underscores and magnifies whatever personal issues you possess. So it’s pretty damned self-defeating, and unfair to the parent, to have expectations that they cannot possibly meet no matter how reasonable those expectations may be. It’s not a matter of being right with our complaints. Of course, we’re right. We’ll ALWAYS be right!

Its a matter of forgiving…..which is a process. It doesn’t come (usually) in the form of a sudden cosmic epiphany. Nor is it a bunch of steps that go in a neat, orderly fashion, one, two, three. Nor is it based on whether they deserve it or not. Nor is it giving them permission to be in your life. We have the right to choose to love somebody from a distance, don’t we? None of these things are realistic, or what forgiveness is about.

Technically speaking, we don’t have to forgive anybody for anything they ever do to us, yet we forgive all the time. The mistakes are the same from everybody, once we become adults, so why force a person to keep payng through the nose over shit they have shown repeatedly that they are not capable of fixing? How much of it is our parent’s fault if WE are the ones banging our heads into this brick wall over and over again?

Why not forgive them, what’s the point of holding a grudge?

It’s an interesting debate going on. Yes ‘parents’ are only human and we all have the potential to live and learn.

But it’s dependent on events and detrimental wrongs that could have been made right on whether people feel they have the capacity to forgive.

We can all look back at our past and play the ‘victim’ but it’s about not repeating history and doing the best for your own family.

I actually was back in touch with my mother after not seeing her for about 20 years and even when I did see her when I was younger it was only fleeting and not through her wish to have contact. I tried the root of forgiveness with her…I attempted to understand her situation when she was with my father as she was a victim of domestic violence and there were evident power differentials between them both.

Unfortunately you can’t establish attachments so easy and I found her to be judgemental of my situation at the time and I was resentful of her opinion and thought she had no right to judge. Anyway maybe there is an element of forgiveness for her.

But my father is an entirely different entity!!

How sad.
Why should you presume to forgive your parents?
They’re human and fallible, just like you.

@Seek_Kolinahr when people tell you that you ‘should’... well, they don’t get it. Keep going how you’re going. Your thoughts on the case are surely helping YOU be a better mother to your son now. Don’t worry about that ‘word’. Just love the ones you love with all your energy and don’t expend energy on things you needn’t.

I know plenty of people who didn’t make the release until well after the death of a parent. Like I said… it’s a hurtle that comes to you… you don’t go to it. Life is a journey and I hope yours is long and prosperous. big grin

I’m sure we all should. I’m sure we all can’t.

In case anyone reads into my comments that there is an understood “should” implied in front of the word “forgiveness”, that word was intentionally left out for a reason. I don’t imply anything.

@Seek_Kolinahr The way I would explain forgivness (without using the word itself) would be to accept what someone has done to you, put it behind you and whether you ever see that person again or not, not hold it against them. It’s almost like letting go of the hurt, anger and pain they caused you. Rising above their actions maybe. I don’t think that to forgive a person means you have to continue any kind of relationship with them though. I think you can forgive something but choose to cut them out of your life.

In answer to the question I was lucky that my relationship with my mum was saved when I left home to go and live with my dad. My mum did a lot throughout my childhood that made me very insecure and she wasn’t always the most caring, loving mother but she was quite seriously mentally ill herself (a 20 year eating disorder was just one of her problems) and now I know that, despite the fact that she did love my brother and I very much, she physically struggled with dealing with motherhood and her illness. I have since suffered from similar health problems (all except the eating disorder strangely) and I fear that, if I were to have children, I would be the same kind of mother as she was.

Nowadays we have a fairly good relationship. She has gone from being a very distant, sometimes cold mother to worshipping the ground I walk on. Of course I forgive her but that’s probably because I am able to understand her. I couldn’t ever live with her again despite the fact that she has since got help for her many problems and seems much better as a person but I’m glad that I didn’t hold her actions and attitude against her.

Forgiveness isn’t something you do for them. It’s something you do for you.

So long as something someone has done to you still affects you, that person still has power over you.

I decided a long time ago that the way to take my power back was to forgive them so that I could move on. Once it was no longer important to me, I knew they no longer had that power.

I was glad of that last year, az my father passed away last May. Death is the ultimate moment when you know there will be no further hope of any resolution.

I think if I hadn’t forgiven him in my heart, I’d have had much more trouble with his death. But I’d already let it go.

I can’t judge if anyone should forgive their parents because everyone’s story is different. What I can say is, if it somehow helps you in doing so and helps you to move on with your life, it’s worth a shot.

If, on the other hand, working through the pain to try do forgive just ends up bringing up bad memories/reliving bad experiences and makes you depressed and feel worthless, I don’t know if it’s worth it. If someone asks you for forgiveness (if I took a poll I bet no one here was ever asked to be forgiven, correct me if I’m wrong) I guess it’s up to each person if they feel they want to forgive their parent(s). Parents are a HUGE part of our lives and who we are, and I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to arbitrarily say “awwh, that’s your mother/father. Why can’t you just forgive them?”.

@Siren With one important thing you probably just overlooked mentioning. Working through bad stuff is not going to be comfortable. If someone decides to do that, expecting it to be like sunshine and happiness is unrealistic as hell. You have to work through the bad to get to whatever good lies on the other side. If you let the fear of what you have to go through to gt to the good make your decision for you, then you don’t get anywhere. This could literally last for years.

Plus, you don’t look for validation from you transgressors, not even if they are your parents. If they could have been that giving, wouldn’t they have been that way a long time ago? So don’t look for validation from trangressors. People are human, and, ultimately, fallible. And they HATE, HATE, HATE admitting they’re wrong, especially when they know damn well they couldn’t be a decent parent. We’re expecting too much.

@phillis: While I agree with your second paragraph (I could hold my breath forever before I ever received an apology from my own mother), I never mentioned therapy when discussing forgiveness. I think the two are separate, but what unites them is pain. Sure, there may be initial pain through therapy, but if you have the right therapist it will be transient and worth a little pain to get all the benefit of a happy life thereafter, pain-free and guilt-free. However, feeling unnecessary pressure or guilt to arbitrarily forgive one’s parents is something I don’t agree with. I think forgiveness is in the eye of the beholder. Letting go of the pain is something entirely different. Maybe for some people it is the same thing, but not for all.

It helped me to realize that my parents were flawed by the upbringing they had, like a bad inheritance handed down from generation to generation.

My parents would have freely given me the sort of love & caring it was healthy for me to have, had it been within their power to give.

Flawed as they were, they didn’t have it to give. There was nothing wrong with me. Honestly, they did love me to the best of their ability – as sad, abusive & dysfunctional as that was.

@Siren Very well stated. Not many people understand how to recognize guilt and manipulations placed on them by themselves or by others, nor how to deal with it even if they did recognize it. Therapy answers that. I don’t feel any guilt at all that my mother is not in my life, and my father barely is. This was a very healthy decision I made. This is part of life management skills. But what we are talking about is forgiveness, which is a different animal. There is a reason for forgiving. It cleanses the soul and makes you happy :)

@phillis: Thank you. I’m glad you found it within yourself to forgive and it has worked for you. For others, it may be a different story. I think it comes from the heart and if you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it. That’s all it is. You can’t fake it.

I learn from my parents mistakes.

Just let it all go, forgive them if they hurt you. You cannot forget but you CAN forgive.

@Seek_Kolinahr There is a distinct difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness means not bringing up any more reference to the things someone has done in the past, either in word, in thought, or in deed. This requires moment-by-moment heart checks on the part of the person doing the forgiving. This is not an easy thing to do when you’ve been badly hurt. Trust has nothing to do with that. Once trust is broken, it can only be mended through honesty on the part of both parties, with an eagle’s eye for integrity and lots of time.

The person asking for forgivness will only harm the relationship if they think that you can re-build trust in a moment, a few days, a month, or even a year or more. This is where boundaries come in. Healthy boundaries, honesty, and integrity are the gate posts upon which trust can be re-built.

Edit: Oh, and patience, a sense of humor, and love are invaluable in the healing process!

@Siren I never said I was finished working on it, so I don’t want credit where none is due. I said it was a process. There is a LOT of forgiving to be done. Key people did some seriously fucked up things.
I still have some work left to do, but I’m on the downhill side of it now. It’s a whole lot easier nowdays.

@phillis: Good for you. Sounds like your life is on track. I wish everyone here happiness, whether it is through forgiveness, forgetfulness, avoidance or just plain great luck and fantastic opportunities in life. Peace.

Forgive, yes. Forget, no even though I try.

Yes. Forgiveness is not the same as inviting someone into your life. Forgiveness brings you peace. If someone is toxic to you and your well-being, you are better not have have them as a part of your life, or at least an intimate part of your life (depending on what you’re comfortable with).

Just because you share a bloodline doesn’t guarantee a relationship.

But yes- always recognize, forgive and move forward with your life.

Thanks everybody. I should just forgive them, but I think I’ll back away a good bit too. I don’t agree with this hanging on to your child long after they have grown up, I was brought into the world for me, not for them.

it’s all about forgiving. We can’t move on till we truly forgive. That doesn’t mean you ever have to see or deal with the persons whom you forgive.

I know the forgiveness-trust issue backwards and forwards. Ten years ago, if someone asked me if I had been abused, I’d have shouted, “YES!” Since then I’ve done a ton of self work. I am not at all the same person I was then. Someone asked me last month if I had ever been abused, and not being prepared for the question, I couldn’t say that I had. Ever. I just couldn’t remember it.

I have grown far past the victim mentality. I still remember what happened, but it no longer defines me as an abused woman. In fact, I live with my ex-abuser. He’s my husband. After some serious personal work of his own, he has become the sweetest, most generous, caring person anyone could ever know. That’s what I say, and that’s what everyone says who knows him well. We’ve been married 33 years.

Congrats, @snowberry . :)

Yes.

Do I love my abusers? No. Do I have a relationship with my abusers? No. But do I understand why things went down as they did and release them from responsibility for my current life? Yes.

If your parents or caretakers abused you, they did what they did not because of contempt for you, believe it or not, but because they honestly didn’t know how else to handle their own personal issues, so they took them out on you. Now whether you should reconcile is another matter. I have chosen not to do so because it would be impinging on my personal physical and emotional safety to stay in contact. YMMV..

Yes, bad things have happened to many of us, but from my own experiences, I finally realized that I survived. I made a decent life for myself regardless of whatever things I’m dealing with right now. It could be a lot worse. A lot worse. I am not weak. I am responsible for how my life goes today, not them.

Now you may have to forgive them every day for a while. You have to keep reminding yourself that you are the adult who’s in charge now of how you feel every single second. You are responsible now for every decision you make. That’s what forgiveness does for you, and it’s a good thing. You’re supposed to grow up and take over your own life. If necessary, re-parent yourself. It’s not easy, but it can be done. You have to be the one to encourage yourself to take risks or to be OK with failing or to stand up for yourself. And you’re responsible for not putting your issues onto your friends, family (that you still speak to :) ) and SOs.

Forgiveness is for you. Yes, they are responsible for what they did, but to keep being angry over things that happened 10, 20, 50 years ago, whether or not they’ve apologized, i; it corrodes your soul to hang on to that stuff. Forgive them and let whatever happened (and them, if need be) go.

Yes. After having a good talk.

If you don’t find inner-peace you will never have peace. Forgiveness is growth. Holding on to grudges make us miserable….:)

Yes, you should forgive your parents.
In my honest opinion, I don’t think you can really enjoy a good life knowing that there is a broken bond between you and those who gave you a chance to live. For one thing, I used to dislike my Dad for real petty reasons, and as an adult, I regret it now. Seeing how he’s gone passed quite awhile ago, I’ve learned that nothing good comes out of holding spite towards your parents. It only leaves you with a feeling of regret and ultimately harbors discomforting emotions. Why choose anguish over happiness? Confront your parents and have a talk. After all, they’re the ones who gave you life, the ones who support(ed) you, and they’re the ones who you can turn to when all seems lost. (for the most part..)

Forgiveness is not about the other person it is about you letting go of damaging emotions that hold you back from being the best you can be.

Take the lessons you learned and let go of the rest. You are only hurting yourself.

The only thing that may have harmed me is that my mother died when I was very young. Otherwise there is nothing to forgive. I can’t think of anything my parents did that would require forgiveness. I owe them only gratitude, there is nothing to forgive.