Do we have any chance at working things out? A little long but please read.

For the time being I would follow her mums advice. I’m pretty certain there’s no chance of the two of you getting back together, not after your theatrics, however, that’s not to say something isn’t salvageable if you want to try. Personally, I would recommend writing her a letter. You’ll be able to work on it over time to really get down on paper what it is you want to say to her. If you are totally honest, calm, rational & don’t apply emotional blackmail or pressure, you just might be able to retain your friendship. If however, you don’t think that’ll be enough, I’d advise a totally clean break.

I think you may be able to have a relationship again at some point but having space can really help both of you put things into perspective and take a realistic look at why things started to deteriorate. But let the decision be completely up to her. After a few weeks I’d let her know I was still interested in a future together but I want to confront the problems we had if you’re still interested we can meet. Then you let what happens, happens and leave contacting up to her.

Just from what you’ve said I don’t see it as needing to be over but, like you, she’s going to need some time.

First and foremost, stop blaming yourself, you did not “screw it up for good”. As you said, you were both under a great deal of stress and arguing frequently. It takes two to do that… and you know what, assigning fault isn’t really going to help in the least. So stop taking it all on yourself, be prepared to apologize for your part, but mostly just let it go.

Second, hopefully this will have given you some perspective, for example – all those arguments and jealousness – bet they’re looking pretty pointless now. Use that perspective to let go of of some of that stress, relax. Yeah it’s probably hard to do that, all things considered, but as holding on to that pressure is what got you were you are today, letting go of it is a necessity if you want any reasonable chance of getting things straight.

Third, remember, she’s going through pretty much the same things right now – she’s going to need time to process just like you do. You used words like “best friend”/“soulmate” if that’s true, a little time won’t change it.

Fourth, focus on what matters most.

So let’s review, stop blaming yourself – it isn’t helping, let go of the stress – it’s what got you here in the first place, give her some time and space – you both need it, focus on what matters most. Do all that, and while I certainly won’t pretend everything will be ok, at least you’ll have some solid footing from which to move forward and try to make it so. Best of luck.

Oh yeah, one more thing, quit with the heavy drinking – I’ve been down that road in a similar situation, it’s just a dead end.

You need counseling, whether or not you ever see her again. This will help you keep from destroying any future relationships you have with anyone in the future.

Hmm… I agree with “hug of war”...

Your relationship should be salvable!

I think she was ready for the relationship to end. It did. Pick yourself up, get busy, and have a life.

Going home and drinking thirty beers and a bunch of Tylenol is not going to recommend you to anyone. Is your first response to stressful situations always excessive drinking?
Do you know that Tylenol will not kill you immediately, but that if you manage to take enough of them it can tear your liver apart? You could die a slow, extremely painful death that can take months if you don’t get the correct treatment or even a liver transplant.
Your best bet at this point is to take two or three months as just work on you. Your relationship should not define but enhance you. Kahlil Gibran said
“Make not a bond of love, rather let it be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. .... Stand together but not too near together. For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each others shadow.”
He meant that to be part of a relationship you have to be a whole person, and not depend on someone to “complete” you. Christ I hate Hollywood.

You can’t ignore all of the bad stuff and say that you had a good relationship. You dismiss your jealousy with one sentence. What was it about? Did she know of it? Did you bug her about going out alone?

Your reaction to the break-up is not within the bounds of normal break-up action. You need to do some personal growth work to get yourself figured out, whether it is for her or for your future relationships. You need some therapy.

Perhaps you can write her a letter telling her that you know you need work and you are getting help. Then you can get together with her later. (Like in six months or so.)

This was a wake-up call. Answer it.

I agree with marinelife… get yourself to time what you really want to do. Then write the letter. Do what you think is right what you really want to do.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but I really think you should see a therapist. You’re a very jealous and possesive person in relationships. That’s not healthy. Then when she broke things off with you, instead of giving her time and space like a responsible adult, you went home and got wasted and popped pills. That sounds like someone who really needs help. You shouldn’t be in any kind of relationship until you get yourself together and healthy. Break ups are always hard but that’s no reason to get wasted and take Tylenol. Come on.

Perhaps you can get this woman back, but I doubt it. Further, I don’t think you should. It sounds like you have some poor relationships habits. Probably you think that you should both be of one mind and see things the same way, and that she should do whatever you want because that’s what lovers do.

She wanted a more realistic relationship—where you have some healthy distance between you. You don’t have to be together all the time and you trust each other’s love. You don’t feel the need to be possessive because you know she’s yours and she won’t be trying out other men.

You seem to feel insecure about her, what with arguing and all. This makes it seem like you don’t trust her. This is not good. It can be a sign that you have hidden insecurities. The way you boast about your firefighting career suggests you are covering over some insecurities as well.

These are not bad things. They just are. They are fixable with work. Therapists can help. Many people share these problems. Of course, I could be reading too much into this, too. But that’s my sense, and I don’t think you should try to fix it with the gf. That will be hell, because you want her so much. She completes you (which means you are not complete on your own). You rely on her so much, and that’s just unstable and often unworkable. That’s why she ran. She just can’t hold you up.

Once you learn how to do a better job of holding yourself up, you will be in a better position to develop and work a relationship. Right now —it doesn’t look so good.

Having been in the role of your girlfriend’s mother in a similar situation with a young man, you are probably not going to be able to reclaim the young woman’s affections, and turn back time.

I suspect that your episodes of jealousy began the end of the relationship, but you were caught up in your own feelings that you missed the cues that were out there. When you pushed things over the top, it sealed the deal for her, that as much as she may have feelings for you, the reality of living with your emotions was not compatible with how she sees her future heading.

You should think really hard about getting professional help to learn healthy ways to handle your emotions. Jealousy, drinking to excess, and contemplating suicide is not the way stable people handle their lives. Like @wundayatta said, everything that you have going on is fixable. You can become emotionally healthy with work and help. What you have going on that led to this outcome is really something else, that’s not about this particular relationship or young woman.

You may be able to get her to communicate with you at some point in the future, with proof that you are trying to become emotionally stable, and a heartfelt apology to the young woman. You need to let the relationship with the young woman be, and let time settle things down.

I really appreciate everybodys input, even though some people think we can work things out and some think the opposite. I do want everyone to know one thing though, im not a suicidal person nor a heavy drinker, actually I have only drank a handful of times and just hit an all time low when she left. One thing everyone agrees on as do I, is that I need to focus on helping myself right now. Since I made that mistake that night I have rekindled my relationship with god and my family. I realize now that I depended on her and only her thinking that was alright but somewhere along the line I stoped depending on myself. As for the so called suicidal thoughts, I failed to mention that when we broke up she told me that the reason she was not showing any emotion is because she had a numb feeling. I dont think I was taking the tylenol to take my life as much as I was to just feel that numbing feeling that she mentioned. But that does not make what I did right any any form or fashion. I will admit that during our relationship I was a jealous boyfriend, I think that has a lot to do with being hurt in the past and cheated on also(not by my ex though). I know I cant take back what I did and by no means am I trying to fix things over night but our relationship was special for both parts and stressful for both parts. But I do love her with all my heart and understand what went wrong and definitly what I did wrong> once again I really appreciate everyones comments and conncerns and would still appreciate more comments.

Take the energy you are investing into the relationship and focus on yourself. Things will work themselves out when you are ready, mature, and self-fulfilled.

Wow. I’m impressed. I’m pleased that you recognize a problem and more pleased that you are taking corrective action. Good luck!

I just wanted to give everybody an update. Its been two weeks since the night of my mistake and I have grown so much as a man and have not only found Christ again but also worked on and discussed the things that I did wrong in my relationship with a counselor at the church I am going to now. I realized that I had to worry about myself and fix the things that I have done before I could worry about her or where our relationship was going to go from here. I was sitting at my house studying for a paramedic exam that I have been putting off and she sent me a txt asking if it was me who had been calling her from a blocked number. I replied no and we started small talk and she asked the big question “Why did you do this?” I asked if I could call her so we could talk and she allowed, we talked for 3 hours about everything, not just what I had done wrong but she also admitted to some things that she had done(big surprise to me). She says shes still angry, frustrated and sad with me all at the same time but also that she is so proud that I am taking the steps to make myself better. She is also proud that Ive finally taken the initiative to take this test so I can move up in my career. She mentioned how she has been going out alot with her girlfriends to keep her mind busy and I say I’m going out tomorrow and she starts crying saying she cant imagine me with another girl. I tell her thats not what I want, that I just wanna work on me right now and be the man that I know I can be and that she fell in love with. We talked a little more and then she had to go to bed since she had to be at work in 4 hours, there was an awkward silence but then she ask me to tell her I love her which I gladly do since I love her with all of my heart, and she starts crying and telling me how much she loves me. It sounds like we have a chance now because I know we really love each other and I understand where we went wrong, but I just wanna take my time because I want this to be forever and not just a week or two. Anyone have any further advice on where to kinda go from here?

@lostman I’m really happy that you’ve proved me wrong here…. I genuinely didn’t think you had it in you to turn this situation round, at least not for some time. I think you’ve made all the right decisions already. From here on it’s a question of remaining motivated, keep working on yourself to become the person you want to be. It sounds like this girl really cares for you deeply & as she watches you grow & become a better man, who knows…. anything’s possible. Just keep it up, but don’t be in the situation where you’re only doing this for her, you need to do it for yourself.

@JeffVader I will be the first to admit that I was very skeptical about the whole situation but I just kept in mind how much I really do love her and how much I would be willing to do. I know things are no where near back to normal by any means but I do feel like a big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and like there is a chance at least. Thanks for the help!