Should we give attention seekers attention?

True depression is not attention seeking. There are those on this site who claim to depressed to gain attention. Same with claimed psychosis. Yes, it should be ignored or called out as far as I’m concerned.

I think it is dangerous to pretend to be psychic. Sometimes people threatening suicide are accused of attention seeking then go and do it. Sometimes it doesn’t seem real to observers but they don’t know how real it seems in the other person’s head. Usually if someone says they are in distress I recommend they talk to a mental health profesisonal that can work with them closely. I can’t pretend to replace that.

If a person DID prove to just need a lot of attention, I would assume they have some unmet underlying need that is not being fulfilled and they are trying to fill a void. I would suggest that the attention, nor self harm, nor the excitement or drama, or addictions will fill that void. I would suggest to a friend to explore what unmet needs they had in their life and then how to meet them. I would also suggest they channel their bids for attention in a more healthy way, such as joining a theater, doing karaoke, etc.

Just answered a similar question. The definition of an attention seeker is histrionic personality disorder. I assume this is a mental illness.
People who just want to be seen and heard shouldn’t be given that platform.

@wundayatta Exchange the word “attention” for “energy”. People engage in the struggle for energy and it is really completely unnecessary. There is a universal source that is free for the taking, but instead we try to take it from each other. People who seek out negative energy are able to “feed” off of it in a sense, but the results are not the type of person who one would want to be with.
I suggested a couple of books to you addressing this issue not too long ago. I urge you to give them a browse.
What you describe is a person seeking energy. There is a safe, constructive way to give energy to this person. It is up to the person to realize his/her own error in seeking energy in such a destructive way. Until this person sees and addressed the error in method, he/she will continue to seek energy in inappropriate ways. The energy taken will always have a negative cast to it because it will have been coerced unless this person is fortunate enough to find a person with an unlimited amount to give to them.

Some people should, and some shouldn’t. It depends on how the person handles the attention-seeker. I am not equipped to handle people that cry wolf when it comes to suicide because I will be harsh and crass, but other people can be empathetic to them repeatedly.

I actually think the need for attention is normative for all of us. Sadly, some of us never learned or don’t know how to be direct about our need. I think some of us don’t like being around what is often referred to as ‘attention seeking’ because it is indirect. Indirect cries for attention can feel like someone is trying to manipulate us into giving them something, we haven’t decided, we are ready to give. Sometimes, if we are truly transparent, another person’s blatant need for attention pushes our own buttons of need and loss. Usually, when I am feeling one of those two things is happening, I am tempted to label attention seeking as negative and something to be ignored. I want to unmask the manipulations and I want to point out how they are not ’sucking things up’ (the unspoken thought being: after all I know how to suck it up and function when I need attention, why can’t you).

I think the more compassionate approach is to be direct and set boundaries with the person I am feeling manipulated by. “I see you have needs that I can’t meet. May I help you find someone who can.” or “It feels like you want something from me, please directly say what it is.”

In dangerous situations where someone I love is suicidal or sliding down the drain of depression they may not have the ability to be direct. Which means I have no way of really knowing what they need or even if I have something to offer and it is best that I get outside intervention for them instead of guessing.

With children I think ’acting out’ behavior is the only language they have and we need to give them the attention they crave. Yet, it is also vital that we teach them to replace acting out behaviors with an ability to identify their needs and emotions, and practice self-care that is respectful of others. Otherwise, they may carry learned helplessness and manipulations into their adult lives.

I think it is dangerous to label all of those things you labeled as “attention seeking.” There is no way of knowing if that is what is going on.

I think you should just ignore them

It is a very thin line between what is attention-seeking and what isn’t. It’s certainly not a line I want to be anywhere near or have to decide the difference. I often question the validity of someone who comes to a site like this and admits their suicidal tendencies. What can we do for them? What is the point of a person coming to this site and saying such things? In those cases my first instinct is that they’re attention-seeking. Twitter and Facebook have the same concept in my mind. If someone is going through a traumatic experience, would they have time to tweet about it? If I’m feeling sick or desiring to end my life, I might go to these sites but only to take my mind off those feelings and not to have people tell me how wonderful I am, which usually seems to be the reactions in those cases. I don’t live my life on the internet. I have friends I’ve met through the internet but I don’t spend every free moment I have here. There is a wonderful world outside and I want to experience it. People seem to get caught up with things online that they neglect the friends and family who are around them. It’s wonderful to have an outlet here, don’t get me wrong, but it should never be the only outlet. I have a difficult time taking someone seriously when it becomes obvious they’re a teenager seeking attention. I’ve attempted to take my life once, have the scars still, but luckily a surprise visit from a dear friend saved my life. No one saw it coming, there was no cry for help from me, I hid it very well. I understand how small we can feel. I understand how much we often just need one person, online or not, to tell us we’re going to be alright and that we are loved. I understand the need to have just a little attention sometimes. Still, those that take advantage of the goodness in people by crying wolf should be ashamed.

I’m with @Trillian @liminal explanation. I read in Celestine Prophesy that people get energy (as you say attention) passively or aggressively.

Doing nice things, saying positive supporting words, being nicely groomed, getting along with others, helping others, smiling, curtious etc… is example of the passive.

Doing loud, obnoxious acting out, picking argument, threats, scaring others, jealousy, over stepping other peoples boundaries, fighting, getting drunk, wreckless irresponsible behaviors, causing problems, rudeness etc….is example of aggressive.

@OneMoreMinute : The Celestine Prophesy is hardly the definitive medical text on psychiatric disorders.

@gailcalled What? Where did you get “Psychiatric Disorders” from?
Question is about “Attention Seeking”

I referenced Celestine Prophesy because this is where I learned it from. Like fifteen years ago, and I watch people, it is accurate information. And if anyone should like my comment, then they might be inspired to read this book. It’s helpful information.

@OneMoreMinute: Over my dead body, but thanks for the suggestion.

Shall we award the vexatious with anything less than golden silence?

No. Unless they are just so cute. ;-)

My feeling is that I want to give people attention and it makes me sad when others say nasty things about them for calling for attention, however indirectly. This comes from my experience of needing attention, yet not knowing how to ask for it. The problem for me is that if I ask for attention and people provide it, then it doesn’t mean anything to me. They didn’t really want to give me attention, they just did it because I asked directly. I’ve spent my life asking people for things professionally, and I know a lot of people will give you what you want just to get rid of you.

So, if attention you ask for is meaningless, then how can you ask for attention? I think that these indirect ways are useful. There are times when I wanted to know if I counted to anyone. I felt like I was worse than useless. I felt I had no point. Yet I wanted desperately to have one person tell me, in a way I could believe, that I did matter to them. This is a kind of psychological bind that I think most people who “seek attention” indirectly are in. I don’t think they are manipulating people in a mean way. I think they are doing the only thing they can think of.

Of course the best attention is that which is unsolicited. When someone, out of the blue, completely unexpectedly contacts you to tell you that something you did meant a lot to them. This kind of attention seems real to me. The other person didn’t have to do anything, but they chose to. That kind of attention, and I think this is really not an exaggeration, saved my life. It has certainly made my life a lot better, for it has really changed how I think about myself.

I feel a lot of sympathy for those who need attention because I’ve been there. I imagine they are in a lot of pain. Maybe I’m wrong. I think, though, that it is very harsh to dismiss those requests as some kind of manipulation that shouldn’t be rewarded. Maybe if there is a long history of it, but for the first time, and even the tenth time, I think people should be given the benefit of the doubt. I don’t like it one bit when people dismiss such things as manipulation when they don’t even know the person.

I think it is important to understand what a serious cry for help is, and help the person in need. However, there are people who go out of their way to get attention and I don’t think that is healthy or appropriate to lie about something that people actually go through. It is also incredibly manipulative to present events or situations a certain way to imply something is worse than it really is. Because in the end you are playing with people’s emotions, and when you really do need the help or attention people will be less likely to be there for you.

I tend to ignore outrageous attention seekers.

@ChazMaz yeah, that always get’s my attention!

Attention seeking behavior occurs because people have basic needs that are not being met. These people are usually asking for help. Very sad, actually.

No one is forcing anyone else to pay attention. That’s a completely voluntary action.

@wundayatta It sounds like you just said if you ask for help and someone helps you, they didn’t really help because you asked for it first. That doesn’t make sense.

When someone acts in a manner that is not appropriate, it might be a bid for attention, a plea for help, or just malicious entertainment. This is another fuzzy area, where it depends on the person and the situation, and most of us are not qualified to tell the difference – although if asked – we will try, based on our own personal experience.

I don’t think it’s attention seeking if people do it once in a while. I’m sure we’re all a little dramatic or exaggerate a little every now and then. What bothers me is when people do it alllll theee timeeee. Everything they do is extreme. It makes me go “what the fuck?!” It annoys me and makes me not want to be around them.

If they can “do damage” then you better not get in their way. But otherwise, if they’re annoying you then just remove yourself form the situation and don’t be near them. Just don’t call attention to an issue you have or get into with them because that will just egg ‘em on.

The Celestine Prophecy is fiction.

For me, the relationship to the person seeking attention is very relevant. Say my SO starts acting out, I’m going to first think they need something of me or their family that’s not being addressed since we’re the closest emotionally. I’d look at that first before complaining about whatever the actions are.

The other night I was watching the show called, “Intervention” and the episode was about an alcoholic wife and mother who’s kids pretty much saw her as an embarassment and pain in the ass. Her husband was a bit more empathetic to her but basically was acting as a babysitter, kind of hoping she’d just find a way to be less of a nuisance. I watched that show and immediately thought no wonder she’s getting worse and worse because attention is what she needed in the first place and all of her actions seemed so obviously a call for specific attentions. They showed her go lay down on the lawn and pass out and everyone just rolled their eyes and ignored her. I thought if someone had gone and put their arms around her, picked her ass up and then taken her to a dry out of some sort she would have felt incentive to help herself instead of escalating her drunks and doing showing more and more neediness.

I say, pay attention to the people you love even when they’re not at their best. Pay attention and ask yourself why they need what they say the need or want. When people start acting out then there’s something going on they’re not in control of anymore, something they can’t do for themselves any longer. I see people all the time who do more for and invest more in their “friends” than they do for their partners.

@YARNLADY I’m saying that you can’t know if they sincerely want to help you, or if they are just helping you because it is easier than dealing with the fallout of not helping you. People do a lot of things because they don’t want to make waves. People compliment you because it is expected, not because they mean it. People give money to church or a charity or whatever because everyone else is doing it, not because they really want to. People pay attention to you because they don’t want to be seen as being churlish, even though they really don’t care about you.

But if you get attention when you didn’t ask, then it is more likely to be sincere. No one had to pay attention, and no one was asked to pay attention. So it is likely that they mean it. Sincerely.

The same problem occurs even when you don’t ask for attention directly. When you kind of manipulate people into giving you attention. It’s pretty much the same as if you had asked someone directly. You don’t know if they are paying attention to you because they are sincerely concerned or they sincerely like you, of if they pay attention simply because is it the socially appropriate thing to do.

@wundayatta I understand what you are saying. If the people most intimate to me didn’t or couldn’t say no to me, disagree with me, or be upset with me (or others) I don’t know if I could trust their affections.

@wundayatta I think I get it, but why be suspicious of those who help? Since you can’t read their mind, you could just accept that they are helping because they want to, even if their motivation is ‘socially appropriate’. If they didn’t want to help, they wouldn’t.

@YARNLADY Did you ever watch Desperate Housewives? It’s got a neighborhood full of people who say one thing in public—making nice and all—but in private they say the complete opposite. Yes, you can not know what is really in their minds, but would you really consider their assistance as evidence that they want to help? It is not the kind of help you can count on, and that, to me, is why a sincere desire to help is so important.

I don’t want to be given anything from charity, because I can’t count on charity. I want people to like me or love me or make love to me because they really, really want to. That seems like a more predictable behavior—something I can count on. If I count on the other, my legs are being knocked out from under me all the time. It hurts falling on my ass all the time.

@wundayatta No, I have never seen that show – and I would never base any choice or decision on the actions of fictional people. Their actions are exaggerated for the purpose of so-called entertainment, sort of like the Three Stooges.

“I don’t like it one bit when people dismiss such things as manipulation when they don’t even know the person.”

Most people don’t dismiss the person until they see a pattern developing. The people who constantly point the spot light on themselves. Their feelings, their needs, their problems and their never ending dramas.

“Of course the best attention is that which is unsolicited. When someone, out of the blue, completely unexpectedly contacts you to tell you that something you did meant a lot to them. This kind of attention seems real to me.”

This is how I make certain the person is an actual attention seeker and not just someone with a legitmate problem which needs a solution I might be able to offer. I reach out and offer some support if I have nothing else to offer. The attention seeker will always turn that into one more long drawn out drama. I then give them a hard cold truth to chew on, this is how I escape the clutches of a drama queen, they don’t deal with cold hard truths, they stop contacting you. YAY!