Loneliness, for some people, makes us lose touch with who we are. We only make sense in relationship to other people, so when that relationship is not there, our personhood begins to fuzzify (that’s the technical term ;-).
For me, I don’t think I make any sense without relating to other people. My work is to assist others to the best of my ability. I belong in a matrix of relationships, because I don’t make sense otherwise. My life, in a vacuum, or without other people—well, it’s pointless.
My loneliness gets pretty intense. I feel it in my chest and stomach like I’ve been hit by a medicine ball. I stop wanting to eat, and I start thinking about killing myself. I have no reason; no excuse without other people.
This is just a general feeling of loneliness. It gets even more intense when it comes down to feeling validated at some core level. For that, I need someone I absolutely trust to understand me and to be on my side and to accept me unequivocally. They must want to be physically intimate with me as a way of sealing all the rest. We are each utterly interested in each other and we feel the full potential of our existences in relationship to each other.
For me, this kind of relationship is essential. I will die without it. It is too painful for me to live without that kind of relationship. It is painful enough when I have most of that but not all of it. If I lost a sense of myself when not in a relationship with the matrix of humans, then without this kind of relationship, I can’t even feel myself. I feel empty and useless and completely unconnected to anything. In other words, lonely as hell, and unable to go on. I don’t even believe that if I do go on, I will be able to connect with someone else. My self-esteem plummets. My ability to do anything sinks to nothing. I start thinking no one cares and no one likes me or loves me and no one will notice if I’m gone and I start setting about trying to destroy that which is in my life, so that I can feel comfortable letting go of life.
That’s just a little bit on what makes me sad when alone. It is a hell that is impenetrable and uninhabitable. I’ve always been like this. Sometimes it is so bad that I need to try to establish these kinds of relationships with more than one person. This never works for very long, and when it ends, it is worse for me. Worse each time than the time before. Sometimes I wonder how long I can last, for it has been such a long time without a connection like that.