Total access needed or is it more like spying?

I think there should be enough trust where you don’t have to look at the other persons account however, i also think part of that trust should be them allowing you access to it if you wish to view it. Chances are, if you feel the need to look at it, they are doing something to provoke that need.

Depends on the people and the couple really.
My SO has all my passwords for various reasons. If I need him to look something up on one of my accounts when I can’t, if I need him to write an email for me, etc.

This is kind of a tough question. When I was with my SO and I was texting, I would tell him about the conversation going back and forth (usually it was with my oldest daughter) because I felt it was a bit rude not to and to not leave him out of things. It strikes me as sort of like whispering in front of someone. I’ve had too much negative things happen with texting, with him doing the wrong by the way, for me to feel comfortable about it. But maybe I’ll get over that eventually. If a man I was seeing right now were to keep texting and didn’t just say “Oh, this is so and so, we’re just…whatever, I would wonder and imagine something negative. But like I said, I have cause and hopefully I’ll get over it. On the other hand, why would you not just say…
As for facebook and Myspace… same thing. I found out that my ex was using my computer for his my space account and his profile said that he was single, looking for dating and serious relationships. I saw it while he had it pulled up without trying to pry, just like I found him using my rig to access porn without ever trying to catch him.
I have nothing to hide so would have no problem giving my password to a SO. I would probably dump one who felt differently, but like I said, I’ve been burned and that colors my perceptions.

I’d like to think there’s enough trust built up and verified between couples so that this isn’t even an issue but sadly, people do idiot things they think are “innocent” and muck up the works.

I don’t have my partner as a facebook friend and I don’t give him access to any of my accounts because 1) I don’t give him a thing to worry about 2) He wouldn’t know 99% of the people I interact with yet 3) I wouldn’t be able to do secret shopping or planning anymore 4) I wouldn’t be able to confide in friends some of things about my partner I need feedback on.

As far as having access, other than if you share sooooo many friends that you feel you must share an e-mail or something then I don’t see the point. A person who cheats is going to cheat regardless of how many accounts they create and their partner attempts to manage. What sucks is having reason to suspect a partner in the first place because all else will crumble to shite from there, especially is something hurtful is found.

People, if you’re going to go so far as to ask to be exclusive with someone then just don’t screw it up or at least break up with them before you throw them under the bus by goofing off online with someone else. It’s not that hard to show your partner some respect even when you decide you want out. Sheesh.

Either you trust your s/o or you don’t. I’ve always felt that need for such access is indicative of a lack of trust in the relationship or confidence on behalf of one of the partners.

My wife and I don’t have any need, or for that matter even want, to know the details of each other’s every communiqué. Personally, I don’t share the better part of my own discussions with her unless I believe she’ll be interested in them and certain personal items, particularly concerning close friends, I consider strictly between myself and the other person.

No.

You should trust your partner. If you can’t trust them to have a private life, you shouldn’t be in a relationahips with them.

I concur; if you don’t trust them then you shouldn’t be with them.

GA, @the100thmonkey.

The only time I would want to know my SO’s passwords is if I didn’t trust him…. and then, why am I in the relationship anyway? Knowing his passwords doesn’t mean he’s not cheating on me. It just means he’s have to find a way to do it that doesn’t involve technology. I completely trust my guy, and he trusts me. If the trust was so broken down that we could no longer keep parts of our lives private, the relationship would be considered irrevocably broken in my mind.

Devil’s advocate:

Seeing the logic over the human reasoning it is a very though and paradoxical choice to make.

@Trillian ” I found out that my ex was using my computer for his my space account and his profile said that he was single, looking for dating and serious relationships.” One would say that is a good reason for total transparency, because it serves to keep everyone on their toes. However, should you not give the benefit of the doubt UNTIL you catch or see something that appears out of place or not right? And even if you think you see something before you react do your due diligence to investigate?

The motivation for the total access maybe suspect, ” I have nothing to hide so would have no problem giving my password to a SO. I would probably dump one who felt differently, but like I said, I’ve been burned and that colors my perceptions.” To go forward and deal with each incident with the present SO using the benchmark set by the old OS is somewhat counter productive. Like purchasing a car new and not believing it will be better than the vehicle you retired. It is almost a comparing game, and I am sure you would not want a present SO always stacking you up to his other exes

@wonderingwhy ” Either you trust your s/o or you don’t. I’ve always felt that need for such access is indicative of a lack of trust in the relationship or confidence on behalf of one of the partners.” I guess that is pretty fair logic, you have nothing to worry about if you know your worth and position in the relationship you have no fear the other will step out, it would be like them leaving a table with prime rib eye to go to the kiddie card table with Spam and warm root beer. And a union without the foundation of trust will usually never acquire it later, it may just get worse. However, you are suppose to be sharing a life and a future so it would seem that you should share everything and have it all on the table because if there was nothing wrong with it nothing would be said of it.

I believe in full disclosure, as I have had previous relationships where the other was involved with someone else or other activities that I disapproved of.

My current bf and I created a joint email account for us both, as well as maintaining our own email accounts (and each of us has several). We do not have the passwords for the others’ individual emails. Actually, I think I told him the pw to one of mine, and I think he had me look up something for him once… The point is, we didn’t write them down or anything.

I had surgery several days ago, so I gave him my iPhone, it’s unlock code, and the pw information to all my social network accounts so he could post updates for my friends. Those he did make note of, and I don’t mind that he has them…

Yes, it is about trust. I trust him to have that information and not to use it against me. I also trust him in terms of his moral character and the nature of our relationship, so I am not concerned that I don’t have the same access to his information.

In my previous relationships where I was betrayed, I trusted them until changes in their behavior made me snoop. I found what I had feared. In my current relationship, I feel I’d be more likely to ask him what’s triggering any behavior changes before I went snooping. For one thing, snooping is wrong – regardless of what you find – and so trust has been betrayed in both directions.

But the main difference this time is the man that I am involved with. He is self-actualized and mature. There are no games with him in any area of his life. With the others there were clear indications that they had insecurities or other issues they struggled with that really should have made me realize that they were not ready for a committed relationship in the first place.

A relationship without trust is no sort of relationship at all….. & the thing about trust is, it doesnt need proof!

@Hypocrisy_Central “However, should you not give the benefit of the doubt UNTIL you catch or see something that appears out of place or not right?” What makes you think that I didn’t?
“It is almost a comparing game, and I am sure you would not want a present SO always stacking you up to his other exes” Did you not read the preceding paragraph where I wrote; “But like I said, I have cause and hopefully I’ll get over it” I am currently not in a relationship as I am not healed from the previous disaster. My trust and faith in him in the beginning were not even a question for me. I found out over time that absolutely everything he told me and represented himself as was a lie. I can’t even begin to unravel the web of lies and deceit. He broke faith with me and violated my trust on so many levels that I wouldn’t know where to begin.
I am aware that I have some issues to work through before I feel ready to trust again. You asked a question, and I answered honestly and gave my reasons for feeling the way that I do. I don’t know what more you want from me, or why you would feel the need to point out to me what I’ve already pointed out in my answers.

@Trillian I guess it might not have been worded better I was in part supporting the need to requiring total transparency because your ex was doing things he should not have. I also agree it is better to give the person the benefit of the doubt until they actually give reason to be scrutinized. I guess I missed the part about not being in a relationship at present but it still stands by me that when that next relationship start you approach it fresh and not using the last as a benchmark. It may not be easy because as you say the road is clouded by this one guy, so before the new guy catches his grief just think you don’t want to catch the grief of his ex; so start fresh I was I was suggesting no matter how hard it seems. :-)

hearkat ”I think I told him the pw to one of mine, and I think he had me look up something for him once… The point is, we didn’t write them down or anything.

I had surgery several days ago, so I gave him my iPhone, it’s unlock code, and the pw information to all my social network accounts so he could post updates for my friends. Those he did make note of, and I don’t mind that he has them…” In those examples you invited him to go in there to do stuff there you could not do yourself, so he was more like official business for you not just asking to have access to browse around to see what was there for no official reason but their own curiosity.

@Hypocrisy_Central: True… it was official business. But I didn’t give a second-thought to giving him those passwords and that level of access, because 1) I have nothing to hide, and 2) I trust that he wouldn’t go in there and dig around to get info on my contacts, mess with my settings, or to post something as if he were me, etc.

Why is it there always has to be some sort of control —or the feeling of it?

There is no control. What people do is up to them and, if your partner or spouse isn’t trustworthy, then, how about you?