If you and your partner + kids have lived with your parents or in-laws for some time and then moved out, how did it work out?

I’ve lived in various kinds of these situations…In particular me and my mum and dad have lived with my sister and her husband and kids on two occasions and it was not good…. too many people in one house was not great. Different attitudes to life don’t mix and it did do some damage that at times I’m not sure whether can be repaired…or has been totally… despite some mending on occasions. Is it a struggle where you are now?

Certainly moving out improved the situation and staying there would have been disastrous.

@lynneblundell Mostly, the problem is with my mother whose controlling behaviour is only getting worse with age and since the very recent death of my father has only gone downhill. Her entire life revolved around him and the kids (my brother died when I was 17) but since I was 13 my mother and I had a strained relationship and it never improved. It makes no difference now that I’ve been married twice or that I have two children, she is incapable of change (talking, ultimatums don’t help) and franfkly, I am done forgiving and adjusting. I will give her one last chance to massively get the hell off my back about my parenting and if she fails (which sadly, I think she will), we’re moving out within the year.

My daughter and children lived with us while they were building their own house.
It was lovely for me to see our family on a daily basis, and we loved having them around me. It worked really well for all of us
BUT we were equally pleased when they moved out and we had our own space.
It was a mutually beneficial situation at the time.

When my husband and I were first married, we lived with my in-laws. We were already expecting our first baby when got married, and our plan was to live with the in-laws until we saved enough money for a house. While there were times when my husband’s parents drove me crazy, overall the situation was great. The house was a split-level ranch, and downstairs we had our own room, a bathroom, and the baby’s room. We lived there for a little more than four years, and thanks to my in-laws’ help, we were able to buy a house much sooner than if we’d been paying rent for an apartment. We helped pay for groceries, paid for everything the baby needed, and also paid some of the utilities, so we weren’t being total leeches!

When we finally got a house, again my in-laws were very helpful. They helped us fix up the house before we moved in, helped us move, and shared their experience with things like buying appliances and landscaping the yard. Sometimes they still drive me crazy, but overall I really, really lucked out in the in-law department.

If the situation had been as toxic as what you describe with your mother, I don’t know if I could have stayed under their room for even a fraction of that time. I imagine what it would be like living with my mother, and the idea is horrifying. You know what is best for yourself, your partner, and your children. They are your first priority, and if moving out lets you care for your family to the best of your ability, that’s what you should do. You can also make it clear that you aren’t abandoning your other relatives and will still be available to help when they need you.

Even though I get along very well with my in-laws, it was such a huge relief to have our own house. We were almost giddy with the freedom. ;) We could finally have our own household rules, like no TV during dinner or no smoking in the house. I could cook the way I wanted (in fact, my husband had always been plagued by digestive problems that disappeared once he wasn’t eating his father’s cooking all the time), clean the way I wanted, and be mad at my husband without an audience. I know they were thrilled to have their entire house back to themselves, and happy we were still close by so they could see their granddaughter whenever they wanted.

@MissAusten Thank you for your answer – I can see us feeling a lot more free and relaxed without my mother’s anxiety provoking words. I can see us functioning really well because when it’s just me and my husband and the kids, we get it all done. I just am hesitant to leave them, I was not raised in a way where this is acceptable so it’s really hard. I’ve been looking at apartments all day and the process is exciting to me – wanting to move to a different neighborhood where people are more like us and there are more food places where we, as vegans, can go to. I am still considering staying in the same borough, in an area close to where we live now but am unclear as to how to manage the vistiting, us going over there situation.

You just take it one day at a time. Part of the process (and this is something I’ve learned from my own mother) is accepting that you aren’t responsible for your parent’s happiness or decisions in life. For a long time I felt like I had to help my mom, try to get her to make healthy choices, or put up with her behavior because it’s my responsibility as her daughter. One day I’d finally had enough, and just let it all go. I still talk to her, spend time with her when I’m visiting home, and listen to her when she rants about her problems and the drama in her life. I’m supportive of her, but have set very clear boundaries about what I will and will not accept in our relationship. Sometimes I still feel bad, but I also realize that no matter what I do she will not be happy and will not take responsibility for herself or her actions. That, in itself, is very liberating. :) It may take time for your mother to be able to accept any limits you set up, but if you are firm in your boundaries she will adjust.

@MissAusten We had to fight tooth and nail for certain of her ‘adjustments’ when to any normal person (if I told you, you’d laugh) it wouldn’t seem like a big deal and quite illogical on her part to be so resistant – so I don’t know how she’ll respond (manipulating my oldest, going hysterical, etc.) when I tell her we’re considering leaving.

Oh @Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m right there with you.
We actually found a place and will be moving within the month, mainly because my grandmother needs a place to live and wants to move in with my parents.

We expected to be here until September, to float us through the summer, but it’s way too tense. My mother is extremely sensitive, but extremely critical and harsh of others. She has severe OCD, and is a hypochondriac. Living here has been very difficult, my husband and I can just never catch a break when it comes to her outbursts of emotions. but god forbid you say one thing critical of her, like asking her to not yell at her grandchild..she takes a huge offense and cries and says we don’t appreciate or love her or some crap like that..yes, because you scream and threaten to beat my child and I don’t want you to, means you are a bad parent.

Sorry, rant over! It’s been so difficult living here, and we’re very relieved (on both ends) to be moving out, but definitely scared of something bad happening financially. We have enough in savings for at least five months rent, so we have that cushion.

I think it sounds like you need to move out. Even the little help you do get (and we get some help too, like after the birth of our second, they helped with our oldest..giving him baths, getting him dinner) he loves his grandparents so much, which I’m sure your children love your mother…thats what I think might be hard, separating them because a child doesn’t really understand. We tried explaining it and told him Poppy and RooRoo aren’t coming, but he hasn’t grasped that yet.

I hope a move is whats best for your family!

@casheroo Telling my oldest is a huge concern to me – he won’t really understand why.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir How old is your oldest? You can explain it to him in any number of ways. Our daughter was three and a half when we moved out of my in-law’s house, and she has always been very close to them. We involved her in decorating her new room, focused on the positives of the new house, like how close it was to a big pond and lots of woods for exploring and hiking. We timed how long the drive was to Nonni and Papa’s house (only three minutes!). She took it very well and was very excited. I think kids pick up on your feelings about things, and our enthusiasm was probably contagious.

I wouldn’t tell her you are considering leaving until you absolutely have no other choice. Make the arrangements you need to make, keep busy and make sure your children aren’t left alone with her. There probably isn’t any way to get out of the situation without a lot of drama, but you can minimize how much your children are exposed to and how much you listen to. There’s nothing wrong with refusing to be drawn into a battle and just walking away from someone who is being hurtful. You can say, “I see that you feel hurt and think we are rejecting you. We love you and will always be a part of your life, but we need our own space now in order to best take care of ourselves.” She may not listen or may insist that you are lying, at which point you can calmly say that you aren’t going to listen to anything negative and walk away.

I probably wouldn’t laugh at the adjustments you had to fight for. I’m used to dealing with a person who flew into a rage when her husband couldn’t take her out to dinner on her birthday because he was battling cancer and is so jealous of my husband and in-laws that she makes up terrible stories about them. When I started to refuse to go along with her demands, she was livid. She’d cry, throw guilt trips at me, become hysterical, make up more outrageous stories, and refuse to speak to me for days. It took a while, but she eventually learned that if she was going to keep me in her life she would have to respect my boundaries.

Look, if worse comes to worse, drug your mom and ship her to live with my mom. @casheroo can send her mom too, and the three of them can have a big crazy party together. They’ll be so busy trying to outdo each other during the pity party that they won’t notice you all packing up and moving out. ;)

@MissAusten Your answer brought a smile to my face. (the last part anyway). My son’s almost 4 now, he’ll be around 5 when we plan the move because I want him to finish up at his preschool and for my mom to get a chance to change (I’m naive, I know). I know we should have everything planned before I talk to her but I want to talk to her first to see if we need to go ahead with such planning. We’re torn and I don’t want to find a place to look into and then not be able to because she makes me feel so badly and I decide to stay.

UPDATE: had a conversation with my mother (who was in a bad mood because there is a problem with refinancing the house) and so I tried to keep all conversation away from blaming her and focused on us moving as a family to a neighborhood where we feel we belong more – at first she cried but then got a hold of herself – she was able to discuss the possibility of selling this house (and the three of them moving into an apartment of their own) which is something she didn’t consider before and she didn’t mention much about the kids (though she did say she wants an apartment across the hall from our future one, which is NOT going to happen)..there are a lot of variables for all of this to be pulled off (but I’ve never lived any other way) and a lot of uncertainty but it might be the change we all need, especially after losing my grandparents, brother and father. She did say that this all must be beacause of her and how I feel about her and I did say that our relationship was certainly a consideration but only one of many.

@MissAusten lol – I think I’ve suggested constant sedation of her mother before.

@JeanPaulSartre I just read a book where some of the characters are medicated with laudanum, and thought how helpful that would be next time I visit my mother.

My youngest son brought his girlfriend to live with us, when we also had two adult grandsons living here. They were just supposed to stay until they ‘got back on their feet’, but a year, a marriage and a new grandson later, we bought a rental house and moved them into it.

His wife is one of the most impossible people I have ever met. She does not lift a finger to help with anything, even in their rental house. She uses foul language all the time, argues and complains constantly. Her mother and grandmother have moved in with them, and her Mom does all the work in the house.

They help out with the payments, but it was worth buying another house, just to get her out of here. I have lived in shared apartments and other shared arrangements for much of my adult life, and I never lived with anyone as disagreeable as she is.

My Mom and Dad married when they were 16 and 18. When my Dad died, at 53, I was living in an apartment. I immediately moved back with my Mom to help her thru that period.
Shortly after moving home, I married, and my wife and her daughter lived with us in my Mom’s house. It was not easy. There was a constrant stream of hurt feelings from everyone, and both my Mom and my Wife complained bitterly to me about the other.
After a little more than 2 years at home with my Mom, my wife and I bought a house, and prepared to move out. My wife took me aside, and told me that if my Mom asked us to stay, my Wife would be willing to do that. Shortly afterward, my Mom took me aside, and said that if my Wife asked to continue living at my Mom’s house, it would be okay with her.
I carefully considered what both told me, and decided that neither had actually asked for us to stay, so we moved. My Mom struggled with living alone, but was much better than when my Dad passed. My Wife struggled with living in a neighborhood that wasn’t as nice as my Mom’s house, but she was happy to have her own place.

When I was 18 my mother and I hatched a plan to allow us all a chance to pay into a mortgage and hopefully flip that equity into a home of our own. I’m one of six kids and with all of our salaries we were able to buy a massive house with a main floor and two suites. My two older sisters moved into the suites and I, along with my three younger sibs, had bedrooms on the main floor.

A year and a half after we moved into the house, I met my hubby and moved out with him. When I was 4 months pregnant my oldest sister moved out of her suite and we moved in. We lived there for the next 3 years.

Those years were great. My mother was a complete hands off kind of lady. Too hands off if the truth be known.

Then I we ran into problems after I was wrongfully dismissed and had to move out because we couldn’t afford to pay into the mortgage anymore. We moved in, temporarily, with the MIL. That was a massive mistake. She is a bitter and controlling lady and she doesn’t really like me as she wanted to be able to pick her son’s bride. That lasted all of 6 weeks and then we were back at my mom’s house until we could find an affordable apartment.

The reason everything worked so we’ll in my mom’s house is that we all had our own suites. PLUS my mom was completely hands off. We all respected one another’s privacy. The kids got to spend a lot of time with my mom when they were little and that was great.

It sounds as though you getting out on your own is a good idea.

Thanks everyone for your answers – this day has been a real breakthrough day. We’re now for sure going to move in a year or so and it’s possible that my best friend will move in with us (yay!) and that way we can get a giant 4 BR apartment in a neighborhood we love. Somehow, this is turning out to be the way it was supposed to be, I just never reached that threshold with my mother where I said ‘this is enough!’ and yesterday I reached that point.

Good for you!!