Should I acknowledge my half sister?

You seem to have or had enough of a desire to see your dad over the years and I myself would also have a huge curiosity over the “what if” part of my life including ½ siblings. You may find out some interesting things about your dad both good and bad!

Only if you want to.

Do what you think is right for you. Follow your heart.
If you think it will help you come to terms with not seeing your dad for all those years, then go for it.

If you travel back in time by about 110 years or so, then “not acknowledging” would be the standard advice, I suppose.

On the other hand, if you prefer to continue to imagine that you are already there, then just keep on doing what you’re doing.

Obviously there is (or has been) huge dysfunction in your family; maybe acknowledging your half-sister would be a way to start healing that in your own life and not passing it on to your own offspring. Or maybe you think that that has been such a tremendously successful way of life for you that you’d prefer to maintain the status quo.

Personally, I’d welcome her with open arms and be ready to cut her mercilessly to other relatives and siblings the first time she reveals that she is actually human and has faults.

I can’t imagine that anyone’s opinion or feelings matter but your own. Which way are you leaning?

If I were in your shoes I would acknowledge her. You might find some comfort in having some family that cares to seek you out. Even if you choose not to pursue a relationship with her aren’t you a bit curious about her? I can see how pain would come in the form of her talking about the dad that left you. Maybe he left her too?

I have a half-sister. My father saw us during summers until one day, around age 12, he just disappeared. My half-sister lived with her mom a couple hours away. Come to find out he was still going to see her. How heartbreaking. A few years later i think he stopped seeing her too. We see each other once a year about. But I always knew about her. I love her dearly. I hate the term “half sibling”. She is my sister and I will not punish her for the faults of our father. I’m also lucky that her mother is amazing. She was my step-mother for awhile and now is very supportive.

These things can be very complicated and get even more complicated and you have a right not contact her, she’s a stranger. On the other hand, by rejecting her out of hand, without knowing her or anything about her, you might be missing out on a great opportunity to have a sister! Getting to know her on Facebook for a little while is not a commitment to anything, if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out, then you remove her from your friends list and get on with your life. Or if you don’t want to friend her on facebook, if that leaves you too exposed, or feeling too exposed, you don’t have too. You can communicate with her through Facebook messages without adding her. Take it slow at first. But of course, it is your choice.

I would be happy to acknowledge her, but that’s just me. Was/is your father a part of her life, or is she in the same boat as you? Being a part of eachother’s lives doesnt necessarily have to have anything to do with your father. She IS your sister after all :-)

Because I am who I am I wouldn’t – I simply wouldn’t care enough to make the effort. My advice to you however is, give it a shot. There’s really nothing to lose without your allowing it but there could be a great deal to gain both personally and through this potential connection. Explore it, at a pace you find comfortable and with an open mind, you might be surprised and find it more worth while than you think possible now. It’s certainly worth the chance.

Will you feel okay about getting to know the person that your father did pay attention to? Or would you rather not have to see her as a real person with feelings and problems of her own?

Dear Abby always said that family is family and that it doesn’t matter how somebody got to be family. All that matters is that they’re there. (This was usually in answer to questions like “Do I have to include my son’s stepdaughter in OUR family portrait?”)

Perhaps Facebook is not the right medium for this sorting out of relationships.

The way you phrase your grandmother’s question to you as an adult ”not insisting that I get to see my father” suggests that maybe your father’s absence was not by his choice. Seems like you need more information. The way things seem when we’re children are not always accurate. You and your sister share the same wonderful grandparents as well as a father. In my mind, it’s always better to know the truth than to wonder.

Why not acknowledge her? Perhaps you could find out about what happened with that side of your family? Perhaps your father always wanted to see you.

You won’t know until you find out.

You are not committing to being in relationship with her forever, just checking things out. You can tell her you want to take things slowly.

I think it would probably do you good to talk to her a bit. You can set ground-rules if you like, to keep your father out of it altogether, and you can end it at anytime if it becomes too painful for you. Just remember that whatever happened during your childhood, the half sister isn’t responsible for it. All that said, if it will really mess you up emotionally… don’t do it. Your main concern should be your own mental health. If you decide you don’t want to talk to her, a short message to that effect (“I’m sorry, but it’s too painful for me.”) would probably stop her sooner than ignoring her.

FWIW, I never met my bio-father (and half brother) until I was 18 years old. Good luck!

I’d say at least don’t totally ignore her. Even if you just write back and say that the situation makes you uncomfortable and you’re not ready to have a relationship with anyone on that side of the family, that’s better than nothing.

@augustlan: FWIW, I never met my bio-father (and half brother) until I was 18 years old. Good luck!

Did that turn out to be a good experience or not?

What do you think that is bad that can come from meeting her? What about anything good?

@gailcalled Sorry, I didn’t want to threadjack. It was good. I was more than prepared to hate him (father, not brother) for never acknowledging my existence (I went looking for him, not the other way around). I just wanted my curiosity fulfilled, and some medical history from him. As it turned out, we developed a very nice relationship over time. Never father/daughter, but friends. When he died, I was very glad to have known him for the time I did.

Thank you for the thoughtful answers.

It is complicated, and I’m not entirely sure why I have such a problem with it. I think some of it is residual resentment that he seems to have gone on to have a new family, as if my own existence never happened. I’m also somewhat socially awkward and the thought of how uncomfortable it would be trying to have a conversation with someone with whom I may have no more in common that half of my genome makes me break out in a sweat.

I think what I will do is write her a polite response and confirm that I am who she suspects I am. I’m probably getting ahead of myself, so I’ll just focus on the here and now.

Just something to bear in mind… this could mean a lot to her. The fact that she’s contacted you twice, despite not getting a response, is proof of that. With that in mind, I think writing back is a good idea.

First and foremost, I think this is your decision to make. No one else can tell you what to do, or that there is a right or a wrong here. Having said that, in my opinion, you should at least meet her. There’s no need to be terribly affectionate or best friends, but it’s definitely worth a try, and like I said, you could be bringing her great happiness. She may feel the opposite way that you do—anxious to meet someone from that side of her family.

You wouldn’t have to meet up with her a second time or even maintain contact if you didn’t wish to, but considering she’s your half-sister I think it’s appropriate to meet.

All the best and keep us posted.

I don’t know what I would do in this situation…but I think i would give her a chance. After all, she is not responsible for your parents choices. If it doesn’t work out for you, you can always go back to not having any relationships with this side of your family!

I had a somewhat similar situation with a half sister and I chose not to see her. This was about 15 years ago. I have no regrets. I didn’t know her before and I can’t imagine that we would’ve had anything in common. And to be honest, since she was older than me, I was kind of afraid that I would find out things about my parents that I didn’t really want to know. One of my brothers met with her, had a good visit, but has no desire to see her again.
I did jokingly tell my brother that maybe I should be in contact with her in case I ever need a kidney or other transplant.

There is no bond like family, and the situation isn’t your steps’ fault.
No harm in talking to her.

Ignore ‘em. it’s not going to change your life

@syz Sounds like a good call. You can take it slow. See how it feels as you go. There is really no pressure on you.

I would be so curious, I’d really want to meet her. It doesn’t mean she moves in with you but there’s so much you could learn from her and have a new friend.

I loved @xxii‘s answer. It should be added that meeting her might mean a lot to you, too. (I wasn’t trying to poke fun at you in my earlier response; I was highlighting the fact that your ‘family relations’ were already antiquated—and not in a good way—in the last century. You need to take some responsibility for that, but obviously you were brought up that way so it’s not “all your fault”, either. It’s only your fault now if you don’t act to change that nature of mistrust and hostility.)

My nephew’s parents divorced when he was 5, and neither his father nor his father’s family contacted him or saw him, mostly because his father remarried, moved to another state, and didn’t want a stepson in the picture. My nephew contacted his when he was 28, and found he had a 20 year old step-sister. The stepmother refused to have anything to do with him until his mother got an annulment in the Catholic church, which she did. He and his father are relatively close, and he and his sister get along well. Now that his mother is dead, it does give a bit of relationship that’s nice to have.

I would friend your half-sister. It’s not her fault that your father never contacted you. Maybe he tried, and your mother ran him off. There are three sides to any story—his side, her side and the truth. The fact that your half-sister knows she is your sister means that your father must have talked about you to her.

Eventually the statute of limitations runs out on your childhood experiences, and you just have to move on with it. It will not be put to rest until you can find out what happened on the other side of the equation.

@syz My heart goes out to you. I met a half sister not long ago. It was terribly painful. She was raised without knowing that she wasn’t biologically related to the man raising her, and she had a step-father as well. I was very resentful that she had two fathers who were good to her and she was seeking out my father as well. My dad and I have not had a great relationship, and I felt like my place in the family was being questioned. On top of it all, I really didn’t like her. I didn’t feel we had anything in common and she seemed unstable and drama-seeking.

Family are the people around you. She will never feel like my family.

I have half-siblings and adopted siblings and step-parents who are all my family. We have shared experiences (healthy and not).

I feel awful for not wanting a relationship with her. I wish I had been given a choice to not meet her. I felt that she imposed herself on us.

I think about her often… and feel guilt and pain. I’m surprised at myself. My brother told her that I “would welcome her with open arms.” He was wrong. I feel resentful and angry and selfish about the whole situation.

I have a similar family background and the greatest gift from my biological father was me finally being able to meet my half siblings who’d always known about me even when I didn’t know about them. My own experience has been good overall but I do have to remind myself they have always had each other and so will never see me a the same kind of “sister” since I didn’t share a big chunk of their growing up years with them.

Check it out and see how the two of you get on, you might become wonderfully close or remain acquaintances but you have to talk first. Good luck and good fortune to you.

Yes, meet her.

Of course, none of this is the fault of your half-sister. Your father must have mentioned you enough to make her want to seek you out. This is an opportunity to turn something lonely and resentful into something rich and loving.

Maybe she is the secret that will unlock who you really are…

I am so sorry for the neglect you suffered as a child. I can’t see how yor hald sister could be responsible for that in any way. You have much less family and have received much less love from your family than you wanted and deserved.

If I were in your position I would give yourself and your half sister the chance to get to know each other. You may derive joy and satisfaction from developing a relationship with this person who happens to be part of your extended family. It could enrich your life and hers.

What is the worst that could happen? Of course the choice is yours and I repect your right to decide as you see fit.

The odd thing is that I continued to visit my grandparents (his parents, my favorite people in the entire universe) every summer and they never mentioned him either

What is really interesting in all this is that you did spend time with your father’s parents as a child. I wonder, did she? Why and how did all that work out the way that it did? It could be likely that you have romanticized your father, and the reality of having him in her life perhaps was just as difficult as having him not in yours.

Only if you want to.

My advice is give it a chance. If thing don’t click, you can go back to having no contact. I think deep down we all long to connect with family.

It’s not her fault, if it were me, I’d reach out. You might actually like her, she might be the greatest thing since sliced bread but you’ll never know if you don’t give it a chance.

@syz Let us know what you decided and the outcome if you are comfortable doing so.

should i acknowledge my half sister? i am going through this same situation now. i am going to be meeting a half sister and half brother when they have all of our (my) fathers memories. i too was only 4 yrs old when my parents split and my mom had a breakdown and placed me in foster care. of course had my parents not split i would have memories of my dad. this half brother told me that the half sister is really not the half sister. i ask him what are you saying. he said that she was only raised by my natural father and he was good to her so of course she loves him and misses him because he our(my)father died in 1998. anway by the grace of God i will get through this. i want to meet them and then i don’t if that makes any sense.

Talk to her.
I have an adopted sister and I love her with all my heart.
Maybe it would help to talk to her because then you’d find out that shes not like the rest of them.

I hope you find what you’re looking for with her.

Update: Nearly a year after her first attempt, I have finally responded to her third. We’ll see what happens. Thanks for the support, guys.

I hope it turns out well for you. Thanks for the update and let us know what happens. Maybe if your story turns out well, I’ll be inspired to reach out to my half sister.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

Well, it took me quite a while, but after some protracted communications via Facebook, we finally met. She’s nice, and we have a surprising number of interests in common. I don’t think we’ll ever be particularly close, or best buds, but we’ll maintain contact. (And we pretty much avoided talking about our father.)