What do you think when someone disappears after a disagreement?

It all depends on the person and the blow up. Usually, I assume that they need some much needed space to calm down and think. I’ll see them again when they’ve done so. Although the only people in my life who blow up now are my teenagers.

I agree with @tranquilsea, it all depends on the situation. I’ve honestly never had someone close to me just disappear after a disagreement, so I’m not sure how I would handle it. Right now I would say it depends on how I felt about what had happened and about the person disappearing. If I felt guilty about it, I would probably give them some space and then seek them out to clear things up. If I didn’t guilty about it, I would probably just wait for them to come back. If this was my SO and he disappeared for an extended amount of time, I’d say we have bigger problems and need to figure out a better way of handling our disagreements.

I’ve always thought they need some time to themselves (or at least away from me/the source of their disagreement) to “calm down” as it were.

Do you try to imagine what they could be thinking?
Not really, I figure if they want me to know they’ll tell me.

Do you guess what the reason for this is all about?
I weight it towards the argument, but don’t presume it can’t be for other unrelated causes.

Do you take it personally, or assume it’s their problem?
Not at all, it is their problem, but they’re welcome to approach me with it, even if they don’t realize it. (in fact that can sometimes be the best solution)

Do you wish to see them again, or are you accept that there will be nothing more?
Just because we disagree doesn’t mean we can’t get along. If it’s a matter of closed mindedness I’d rather just do without the aggravation, but many times some topics just resolve themselves as “agree to disagree”.

Why?
It’s not worth holding a grudge.

If it’s a close friend, that changes things a little, I don’t have many so I’m more motivated to understand the cause behind the disappearance. If it’s because of an argument between us, I feel I can usually resolve it easily enough, if it’s something else I want to be there for them.

It is an apparent insecure act. Their “issues” further reaching then the environment of Fluther.

I’ve never had anyone disappear in real life. Of course, I’ve never had a blow up with anyone.

I don’t usually name names, but I will this time. Joker & I got along good. We PM’d & emailed. He just suddenly disappeared. No word..no reason…no explanation. His email addy was disabled, so I have no way to contact him. He’s just gone. I KNOW it wasn’t anything that happened with me. We got along great. I just don’t know what happens when people do that. I’d never do that myself.

I think space is in order when people disagree and cannot find resolution.

It depends on the nature of the relationship. Sometimes you care enough and sometimes you don’t.

My biggest boundary that is non-negotiable is don’t take your stuff out on me.

I project very little and assume even less and expect the same in return in my relationships.

I will make exceptions for minor moments of pissiness with a close friend, but, in general if the person has a habit of being moody and disappearing I don’t care enough to pursue.

I dropped a dating prospect awhile back due to his moody, on again/off again behaviors.

Nope..sorry, if you are emotionally unstable and full of drama I won’t be chasing you trying to fix anything.

See ya…..

I think,“Yay”.;)

Well that just happened to me. One of my friends doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m just going to let her have her space then she can come talk to me. They may think they did sad or they may be mad or think they did wrong.

This is a terrible issue for me, particularly since I had a brother who died suddenly when I was four. As I said in another post, I have a friend who stopped speaking to my husband and me a few months ago with no warning and no explanation. I find it very painful. It also hurts when people I have become close to online disappear suddenly if I don’t have another means of contacting them. I like resolution and closure and I like to know why someone is leaving me if they are.

Completely agree with @ChazMaz. Someone who would suddenly ditch out on any group due to a disagreement is showing their true colors and giving insight into their true issues, imho.
I feel differently about people who take a break, or decide a group isn’t for them, say some good byes, and be on their way.

edit: I meant I feel better about people who take a break or leave like a reasonable human being, in case that wasn’t clear.

You take a “break” you take a break. We are not bound to this site.
But when you have to announce to the world your discontent.

THAT is a whole other issue.

i’m leaving..just stay out of my pasture…i’m the bull in my pasture!

I think it’s very different with real life relationships vs. online play.

It is impossible to develop a ‘real’ relationship in cyberland IMO.

A person might simply decide they are done with a particular forum or group and if they chose to disappear that is their biz. and not the same IMO as real life involements.

If I decided to leave fluther I wouldn’t feel the need to make some big announcement or contact anyone, if there were a few I’d like to remain in touch with I’d do so, but to stir up drama over an online liason is pretty ridiculous.

My BM did this. Before she dropped off the face of the earth, she’d call at least once a month. She never spoke to me, but she’d talk to her sister, my guardian.

Shortly after I turned 11, though, my guardian was completely fed up that her sister refused to speak to me. “She’s a kid! Your daughter! And you will talk to her!” Something like that. They fought over it for a few minutes. I got on the phone with her, exchanged a “Hello” and one pleasantry. That was too much for her, apparently. She asked to speak to my aunt, got herself off the phone and never called back again. Neither did she send any letters or cards. I got bupkis. Any letter I sent to her over the next few years came back with “Return to Sender” scribbled on it. So I stopped sending them. Hey, I don’t know what to think, even 30 years later.

For a long time, I was angry about it. I’d think, “I didn’t do anything to her! Why is she treating me like I’ve done something mean to her?” As I grew older, I considered it; maybe it was her then-husband behind this. Or that she still had problems with the circumstances of my conception and arrival. She’d never been very involved in my life, or very kind, even when I lived with her. Maybe she just had a slew of mental and emotional issues that I was and am not aware of.

I have come to learn from this experience that in situations like these, no matter what you’ve done or didn’t do, cutting someone off without warning isn’t about you, it’s about them and their ability to face up to talking about unpleasant issues and feelings with people. If someone has a problem with me, I would rather the person tell me what it is and give me a chance to look at the flaw and determine for myself if it’s possible to fix – or even worth fixing – and not just quit talking to me. I realize a lot of people won’t do this, though, and I’ve learned to live with that. I gave my aunt that chance when it came time for me to decide whether to continue our relationship, and when things didn’t change, I did what I told her I’d do.

As for quitting participation on websites like this, I’d tell at least one mod what was up so I wouldn’t leave people hanging, but that’s just me.

LITS to worry about those who can’t take a little push-back! If they resurrect their existence, it’s all good we can start anew!!

If someone disappeared from my life, then I would assume they had good reason to do so, and I would wait until they contacted me again (or not).

Equally I would expect someone to give me the space I needed until I decided to make contact with them.

If they were good friends then I would understand their reasons.

@jbfletcherfan Maybe you were too full on with him, maybe in your emails your were too….keen. Just a thought.

@jbfletcherfan have not seen Joker on in a longtime!

When I was on AB, @partyparty probably remember him….his name was Colt…great guy and on the site everyday! He had just retired and mentioned some health problems and he has not been back since April, 2009! You never know what happens to people.

I think that is is completely dependent on circumstances. However, I usually feel that when a situation arises that someone drops off the face of the earth after a fruitful relationship or friendship that it was something about me that they didn’t want/need anymore. Obviously, I would be able to attribute it to not “gelling” so to speak so that, in the end I could say: “well they didn’t like that I was calling” or “they didn’t like that I got too busy” or “they didn’t like that I had a boyfriend” and that’s their problem.

I think when you lose a friend or a lover, it’s always a bit of a blow and it’s nearly impossible NOT to think about it.

I think for me, I always want to be “in-the-know.” Because for me, it’s easier to find closure. Even if it’s something as so mean as “I just can’t stand to look at your face anymore” (I mean usually, there’s hidden meaning behind this) but I prefer that to just being left to wonder.

I hardly ever even notice. I have enough to do in my life that I don’t really keep track of other people.

@Sophief No, I wasn’t “too full on him”. We just had an easy, talking friendship that was nothing else. If you’re implying that I bothered him, no I didn’t. He’d email, I’d answer & it went back & forth. There was NO problem between us. If he got pissed here at something or someone, it sure’s hell wasn’t with me!

I can understand when someone needs to be by themselves after an argument, but when they disappear for months or years, without any contact at all, that really makes me angry. Especially when enough time has elapsed where the anger about the original argument is gone, and their disappearance makes it impossible to communicate with them.
When (or if) they do return, I would feel hesitant about opening myself up to them again.

I’ve noticed that. I don’t understand it. Some really nice folks have done that and it causes me to wonder. Fluther is a fairly restrictive environment, I guess some people just can’t take it any more…

@jbfletcherfan Ok, I will say no more

@BoBo1946 Yes I do remember Colt from AB. Do you also remember Mensan? He just vanished. Don’t suppose we will ever know the reasons why.

@partyparty Mensan came here, but he didn’t like it. Then he moved to Blurtit, but I think he left there also.

@Sophief Ah thanks for that. I often wondered where he went.

@partyparty and @Sophief She is right about Mensan…he is a free-spirit and did not like the, ummm.. shall i say, censorship here. Well, will leave there..geezzz…think i have an enemy following me around and deleting my stuff. Oh well, “the beat goes on!”

I review the chain of events and look for any wrong turns I might have made. If I caused the blow up I do spend sometime trying to set it right. I wonder if I’ll get the chance to apologize, and I feel like crap for causing someone to feel like they had to leave. Other than that, I don’t worry too much when people come in and out of my life, especially online. It’s as it should be.

I might feel sad they left without saying good bye and hope that someday they return but I eventually get over it and just move on. Each person has to do what is right for them. I don’t take it personal unless they said they left because of me. So far that hasn’t happened. But theirs always another chance tomorrow. :D

It doesn’t bother me when people do this because they obviously have a reason for doing it most of the time. I do tend to wonder what their reasoning is but it won’t keep me up at night. I have done this before with people in real life. Once to a guy who would not leave me alone even after I politely told him I was not interested and a second time with a close friend who would not give me space. She demanded that I only hang out with her and when I disagreed she tried to start drama over it. I severed all communication rather than fight about it.