How can I convince someone to leave an unhealthy relationship?

Unfortunately, she has to want to do it. Until she wants to be free, it’ll be hard to convince her to leave. If she really wants to leave and needs help building up her confidence, reassure her that she can do it and that everything will be ok. She should get into some kind of counseling to learn about herself and why she let herself continue in that situation (once she is ready).

The best thing you can do for her is be there for her. Tell her that she deserves better, but don’t try to force it. If you try to force it and she is against it, she may turn her back on you completely feeling like she has to choose “you or him”.

I really don’t think there is anything you can do. Just keep reminding her of all the things you said here about her.

She needs to see what it’s like to be away from him and have fun. I know what that situation is like. She needs time away with no communication to him to see how much nicer it is to be without him. Maybe ask her to have a girls weekend with you and only you. No guys or anything?

It’s not your job.

@Seaofclouds That’s true, and I think she has a lot of her own issues that keeps her in the relationship… though she’s too preoccupied with his to realize that. She spends a lot of her time being his psychologist and diagnosing him with things.
@chels Thing is, she’s at college now away from him, but they talk/video chat all the time, and visit each other occasionally. I agree that she needs a complete hiatus from him for a while… but I don’t know how realistic that is.

I realize that it’s ultimately her own decision. It’s just very frustrating as her best friend to see her take this abuse.

@le_inferno Yeah that can be really rough. Do you think she doesn’t want to leave because she’s attached to him and comfortable and not being around him and with him would be out of her comfort zone? Have you tried talking to her about it?

If she’s away at school, and that hasn’t broken them up, then she’s really into him for some reason that’s lost on you. If you find the situation hard to watch, and she knows it but stays with it anyways, she’s choosing him over her friendship with you. You will have to be the one to walk away from the triangle.

You can’t persuade her. It would be a mistake to try. Breaking it off is up to her. The relationship is their business and not yours. If she goes back with him, you’ve probably lost a friend. I agree with @Seaofclouds that the best thing to do is support your friend without taking sides on the relationship.

But that’s only if it isn’t so emotionally and psychically draining on you that you don’t have the resources for it. Sometimes a person has to say “I can’t do anything about your relationship with X, but I can’t stand to watch you keep going through what you’re going through when there’s no way I can help. Why don’t you let me know when you’re over him, and maybe we can pick up again then?” That’s a drastic move and not for everyone. It’s a matter of what you’re willing to do.

Something will be the final straw and after a few months, she will be so glad!!

Did you hear about Yardley Love ? (spelling)

Example is the best teacher.

@chels I think that’s part of it, I think that she really does love him so it’s hard to break away from him. He’s become such a big aspect of her life that it’s difficult to remove him completely. It’s familiar, comfortable, and he’s also persistent. He always expresses his adoration for her. She might feel guilty leaving him.

The short answer is that you can’t, nor is it your responsibility to, and nor would it be wise to try.

The only effective and useful thing that you can do as a friend is… help her pick up the pieces when it all goes bust, and keep being there for her to talk to until it does, while it does, and after it’s finally over.

@le_inferno I’m curious, aside from his personal psychological issues, what makes their relationship dysfunctional? I’m just curious what it is that you see in their relationship that you feel warrants it needing to be ended?

@Seaofclouds Well, his psychological issues causes it to be dysfunctional because they fight, she gets distraught, she cries, wants to leave him, but then always goes back. It’s a cycle that never ends. There’s just constant havoc and drama with them. I don’t even know the exact reasons why they fight, just that it happens a lot.

@le_inferno Does she love him, or is it just infatuation? Because I know that I thought I loved someone when that really wasn’t the case at all.

@le_inferno I see. Is he currently getting any help for his issues? People fight, the issue about whether it’s healthy or not generally lies in how they handle their disagreements and if they manage to work things out.

You can’t. Even if you could, I don’t think you should. You do not have all the information about the relationship. You don’t know the whole story—especially since you probably are not her boyfriend’s confidante, too.

The best thing you can do is to ask your friend questions that make her think. Best to do it in a neutral fashion, too. It is very easy to see when someone has an agenda and thinks they know what is best for you. That’s a pretty patronizing way to work a friendship.

Trust your friend that she is the best judge of her own best interests. Ask questions so you are sure she has thought through all the potential consequences of her actions. Respect her choices and be there with a soft pillow (and no “I told you so’s”) if she needs your support.

I wish, that I could tell you that she would leave right now, but I can’t. I personally have sat in the same position as your friend. It took me almost five years to leave him. I can’t tell you how many friends I lost due to that relationship. But the one thing that I can tell you, is that she is “blinded by love, ” and there really is nothing that can be done. Once he does something that really hurts her, she will actually stop and listen, to everybody that wanted her out of the relationship.
That is when reality usually sets in, and she will get bitch slapped across the face by reality, and it hurts like hell.
But once something happens, she is going to need a support system, and ways of distracting her from the pain, by taking her out and doing something that he would never let her do. Show her that she is going to be fine when that time comes.

I think she might be addicted to him…

I have a roommate who was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years. I witnessed the last two. I was honest with her, and told her that the way he treated her wasn’t something she deserved. I didn’t berate her or tell her she was stupid for her choices. I made sure to always been there when she needed me. The one time I did loose it with her was when her boyfriend began attacking me, and then I think she fully understood.

I had another friend who’s boyfriend beat her and didn’t feel bad about doing it in public. Finally, after she told me about how he choked her in a crowded parking lot, I said to her, “I’m so glad you tell me these things, so when he kills you, which I won’t be surprised about, since all his behavior has done is escalate, I have something I can tell the police when they are building their case against him.” She thought I was kidding until I started taking notes. That was a shock and she ended up breaking up with him a month later.

All I can say is, be there for her to talk to, listen, give advice, but understand that however frustrating it may be, it is still their choice, and their’s alone.

Taking notes. That’s really good, @IBERnineD. You made an impression by taking an action.

@chels I think she’s in love with him, it’s been a little too long for infatuation to persist through all of this… 3 years is a long time and they’ve been through a lot.

@Seaofclouds No he’s not getting professional help but probably should. He weighs my friend down with it instead.

Thanks everyone else for the answers, I’ll try to be supportive and just hope she makes the right decision soon.

@le_inferno You should consider yourself lucky that it is not your responsibility of right to tell your friend what she should do about her relationship.

The very best you can do if you care about your friend is to listen and help her hear what she says to you about her relationship. That is called showing empathy. When she is ready to change what she does about her relationship, then and only then will she do what she believes is best for her.

No one can convince another person to end a relationship until that person feels that is what they want to do despite all the emotional and other consequences of doing so.

I don’t think you can. It’s called love. When you love someone you only see the best, and that is what you hang on to. Love is hard to leave.

You can’t. Just be around to pick up the pieces.