How would you handle this situation?

Ooh, that is a tough one. I think calling your dad and simply letting him know that you’re there for him is a start. You could also send flowers to your dad’s friend’s place in hopes that it’ll get to him and your dad (so as to show that you’re there “with” them all).

Secondly, I hear what you mean about unhealthy lifestyles. My dad is hypertensive and won’t take his medication, I’m scared to death that he’ll have a heart attack. So, what did I do? I told him that I didn’t want him to die. I didn’t want him to die like his co-worker died. I didn’t want him to leave me too early.

I realized that it wasn’t about not taking care of himself, it was about him not wanting to put drugs in his body…period. So he changed his habits. Starting going to the gym, eating heathily..stuff like that.

I’d say it was a pretty good compromise, and I’m glad that my dad decided to change his habits.

I think if someone is simply maintaining bad lifestyles, you should stress that you’re scared and you don’t want him to go too early like his friend.

I hope that everything works out for you.

I have a lot of experience with cancer – both myself (see profile) and working with others. It is too complex and needs far more specific information (it sounds as though your father had metastatic cancer – as I did) to really offer practical advice – but you are welcome to contact me for more detailed discussion. I prefer Skype if possible but various IM systems are also ok. Google talk etc.

As for comforting someone in those circumstances – you can’t. There is no comfort, nothing is going to make them feel good – but reminding them that you will always be there does help.

It’s always hard to talk to loved ones about death and dying, and particularly so if you’re not already close (physically and / or emotionally), which seems to be the case here. After all, you’re far removed in distance, and it seems that you’re somewhat detached emotionally because of your relative ignorance of your Dad’s health issues.

I think as @DarkScribe mentioned, you can’t really offer much in the way of “practical advice”. Your Dad already knows, I’m sure, as much as he wants to know about living with and handling his disease. And you can’t “kiss and make better” the loss he’s going to suffer. But you can talk to him. You can always talk to him… and listen. That’s going to do as much as you can do. So do some more of that; talk to him more often.

The only way you can get him to want to treat himself better and live longer is… to make him look forward to your contact, your news, and having your shoulder to cry on, if that’s what he needs.

Good luck to you both.

Even though it’s your dad, you might want to write a letter to him expressing your sadness that he is losing his friend. Letters are nice because he can look back over it again and again.

As far him taking care of himself, I think doing that in person is best—and you will be seeing him in two weeks. I think the argument that you love him and want him to be around is a good one, and should appeal to anyone. And also remember, that in some ways, if he already has cancer, it is not totally up to him. So, he can do what he can, but that is a really vicious disease—don’t blame him, just tell him how much you love him.

Good luck.

@CyanoticWasp : Thank you but my father and I are very close. I just moved away in December and have chosen to not discuss his health directly with him because it upsets me. I have been the one taking care of him and have been there for him for many years now, I just find it difficult to talk about certain issues with him. I do, however, talk to his girlfriend frequently and get information from her – if there was a health issue I needed to know about, she would tell me for sure. I realize that my question doesn’t express my emotional connections and strong love for my father, he really is the best dad in the world and I love him dearly :)

I am sure that his friend’s cancer served as a wake-up call for your father. Tell him over the phone to imagine you giving him a hug.

It would be best if you feel you must deliver the healthy lifestyle lecture to do it in person. I think you could do it by gentle example. Pick up some healthy food and fix it while you are there. Offer to show him how. If it doesn’t work, just let it go.

I just went through a real health scare with my mom (long story) but one of the conversations we had in the process was my telling her that I honored her choices, whatever they were to be in the months and, hopefully, years ahead. I acknowledged her ability to make her own decisions (whether I agreed with them or not) and offered my support for helping to create an environment that would allow her to provide her own direction to her own life.

I don’t know what her lessons are supposed to be in this life and I don’t want to take any action that would prevent her from living the life SHE is supposed to live. I can let her know how much I love her and how much I appreciate having her in my life, but in the same way she had to let me go to become an adult, I have to let her go experience this next portion of her life.

She knows I love her and I remind her at the end of every visit and phone call. I try to show it in my daily activities (by demonstrate my support for her choices—letting her decide the chores for which she wants my assistance, etc.).

Since we had this conversation, we have been closer than ever before and more willing to talk about difficult things and to admit when we are saddened by test results or frightened by an unknown future.

Telling your dad that you’re sorry may not seem like much, but I’m sure he appreciates it. Let him know that if he needs you, that you are there for him (anytime of the day or night). As far as his health, I would wait until you go to see him in person. Then once there, take time to see how he’s doing and how he’s handling the situation with his friends situation. I would honestly start by finding out how he is doing and what habits he has that you think he needs to change. Then I would talk to him about your concern for his well being. Tell him that you what him to be around for a while and that you don’t want to lose him. If you have never discussed his “final wishes” before, this might be a good time. Tell him that you want to be sure to honor his wishes should anything happen to him. It’s a hard conversation to have, but it does help to know what he wants.

At the same point though, you may have to be understanding if he feels like he is at the point in his life where he doesn’t want to give up his bad habits (regardless of the risk). I’ve known a lot of people that get to a point with their health that they don’t want to give up the things they enjoy (especially if they know they don’t have long left). I’m not saying this will be the case with your dad, but just warning you that it could happen at some point down the road.

Good luck!

In regards to your Father’s friend. I would call and say that I love him or care for him and leave it at that. Typically I say to tell the truth, say that you don’t have the right words. But being that they don’t think he will make it I’m thinking this would be more for you than him so would avoid it. I would also avoid telling him about all your special memories etc.. b/c it would just make him feel like he really is going to pass which, if I were in those shoes, would scare the heck out of me.

In regards to your Father I would talk to him in person. Just be clear that what has happened with his friend has you scared and you want him to stick around for awhile. Be open.

Hugs! and positive thoughts sent for your father’s friend

Oh dear. That’s is a hard one for you and your dad. I guess your dad can talk about what is good. The good that was done and lived. I guess that all one can do in a situation like that…
I am sorry for you dad. Cheer him up gently.

@Kayak8

Very good! Cheers to you & your mother! :-)

You are exactly right, none of us have the ability to know whats right/wrong for another, not EVER! Of course we can express our feelings/thoughts, but regardless of the issue at hand, it is always wise to remember that we need to let go and allow whats going to be, to be.

To allow another their right to pick and choose according to their life journey’s calling.

Very well said!

It’s ok to say your sorry. There really isn’t a lot more to say. Goodbye, I’ve enjoyed your friendship. Your father may be worse than you realize, but doesn’t want to worry you. If that is the case let him believe he has you fooled. I’m sure he has weighed the pros and cons of his lifestyle and reached a conclusion. Let him know you love him and he’ll be a happy guy.

At this point in history, prostate cancer is incurable. The best your father can hope for is to retard the spread of the cancer. Ask him when he has his last PSA test, and what it showed. His answer should be very revealing. As to your father’s friend, just tell him that you think of him often and only wish the very best for him. If you pray, tell him that you are praying for him.

Okay, @Samantha_Rae, that’s good to hear that you’re close to him, but only removed in this one area. So apparently it’s really your unwillingness to talk about these issues that we’re discussing here, correct? After all, ‘health issues’ are just precursors to ‘issues of mortality’.

Why don’t you lead off the conversation, then, by telling your Dad first, how sorry you are about the loss or pending loss of his good friend, and letting him talk about that. From there you can tell him how much it bothers you to even discuss his own health problems. (Does he know the reason that you never ask about that?) That might be the kind of goad that he needs to start taking his health more seriously, so that there’s less ‘bad news’ coming your way.

I think it would help you to know how calm he can be (I’d bet) facing his own end-of-life issues, and I can tell you (as a father myself) how much better he’d feel if he knew that you were coming to grips with this and able to face his loss calmly and gracefully, yourself. The conversation would benefit both of you, but it looks like you have to be the one to start it.

Thanks everyone. You guys are wonderful!

As an update, his friend passed away this evening, but at least my father got to say goodbye and spend some time with him today before hand. Dad sounded okay, we were laughing a little about the times they shared and I’m sure it’s going to be rough for a while, but I will definitely talk to my dad when I am home.

Its time for you to show some tough love to your dad. There is nothing like the love between a dad and his daughter. I know, I love my daughter to death.

Practice is what you need. Think long and hard exactly what you want to say to your dad and please do so. He, like me, is not getting any younger and his prostrate problem could resurface at any time.

Tell him how you feel. It will do both of your hearts good.

And, somewhere down the road, you will be so glad that you did this.