How do you live peacefully with a family member who has an explosive temper ?

That would be horrid. I’m a very controlled, non-confrontational sort of person. If I could, I’d get out. If I couldn’t, I’d probably end up hiding. (Which, actually, is pretty much how I spent my childhood. Not hiding from a temper, but from an unhappy relationship with my mother. So I’d sit in the woods and read, anything that got me out of her line of sight.) Surely there’s always an option to get out, no matter how difficult?

I just don’t think there is anything you can do except try and not piss them off. And Try and keep to yourself. Leave and go for a walk when it gets really bad.

I’ve lived in several different households like this. Those are the only three things that I could do. Luckily I could just go back and forth between different households. So when one person got explosive I’d leave and go to the other house until someone there got explosive. And so forth. Then I started just spending the night at friends houses. That was even better.

That was as a youth when I had no control over my living situation. As an adult I would find a way to change the situation or leave.

Yes this kind of problem is more common than many people think.

These hostile people who refuse to manage their temper must be prevented from harming others. This often requires dealing with them the way all bullies must be treated.

This will demand of you courage and incredible resolve. You must find a way to remove yourself and those vulnerable to this bully from the raging persons sphere of influence when they are acting out. If they persist in refusing to seek and accept the help they need to manage their anger, then they must be isolated in the interest of protecting the rest of the family. There may be legal remedies that will be required to protect those who have been victims of this person.

I suppose it also depends upon who or what is the target of the anger and how it relates to everyone else.

While this person, by nature of their character, is cynical, critical and moody, it’s as if the person has a switch that gets tripped. Then, they are totally out of control. It seems as if they never really remember the extent of their madness and how it affects others.

Thus far, there has been no physical violence with the exception of damaging a door. But that, caused me great pause.

One of my best friends in my senior year of high school was sort of explosive, and a girl he liked for a really long time totally made a fool of him. He got into my car and beat the ever-loving crap out of my dashboard. He scared me quite a bit. He punched the wall in our church and there was a knuckle hole.. that was right before we got into the car and he took it out on the dashboard.

I talked to him last week for the first time in a long while, and he said that some of his closets have holes in them.

Which is weird because he’s such a sweetheart, but when he gets mad, LIKE WHOA.

Having an explosive temper myself (not physically explosive, like violence), I knew to just give him space and time to cool down. That’s really all you can do sometimes.

@poofandmook

Reading that you admit to having an explosive temper, I must nudge you into doing something about it. If you don’t feel as if you can see some type of counselor, try here. Perhaps privately write to Dr. Lawrence (above).

Don’t assume that it’s under control. Even if you’re not violent, words can be lethal. Words can carve a heart better than the sharpest knife and the best of throwers.

I hope your friend manages to steer clear of tragedy.

Yes. I have a parent that is very emotional, and little things can set her off. When I was younger, I stayed in my room..a lot. I just didn’t want to deal with it. I had to move back home, thought things might have changed..but the explosive episodes still happen. Nothing violent, but very verbally and emotionally abusive.

People with explosive tempers usually come with hair triggers too, you never know what’s going to set them off. You can live your life like a mime but, eventually even the silence will light their fuse. I suggest you just live your life the way you see fit and let them clean up their own carnage, it’s not your job to clean up someone else’s mess or to smooth their ruffled feathers.

@MissA: My therapist and I just started working on my temper.

Walking on eggshells is not a fun thing.

My personal objective is to stop making the choice to allow an overbearing, chaotic mind to control me.

How we live each moment is a choice. Some days I do better than others…but, at least I’m acutely conscious about it. It’s a constant reminder of how I never want to be.

I have lots of questions…but, am eager to understand how others deal with tempers and the grief they cause. I so appreciate the honesty within the fluther community.

@poofandmook, good for you. I hope things work out.

The only guilty party in your situation is YOU. you are allowing these incidents of anger to happen, simply because you are still there. i am not actually placing blame on you at all. i am attempting to show that you continue to live under this stress and i do not know why. your house or apartment has a front and rear door, so why aren’t you gone? unless this person seeks counseling and maybe medication, your situation will never improve and may become worse. only you can make this decision.

@john65pennington

I understand what you are saying, but it’s more complicated than that, which is why I’m attempting to find out whether I’ve exhausted all possibilities for working things out. He is not explosive all the time…which is why I keep thinking there surely must be something else I can do. When you’ve been with someone a very long time, life with them has become entangled with all sorts of elements. Yet, I understand what you are saying. And, I thank you for that. Know that if there were physical violence, I’d have to walk away.

@MissA John and I have independently come to a similar viewpoint, based on what information we have to understand your situation.

Unless the person with the destructive anger problems agrees to take responsibility for their behaviour and agrees to participate in some kind of treatment, even if it is a family based intervention, then you hold to power and the responsibility to take action to protect yourself and all those vulnerable to lasting harm from this destructive force in your lives.

Verbal violence is no better than physical violence. The difference lies only in the visibility of the wounds.

@Dr_Lawrence and @john65pennington

While I know positively that you both are correct, I find myself wanting to type, “But…but…but…” I guess the bottom line is, until I can make a different choice, I own it.

Thank you, both.

Remaining here for you @MissA

If they’re also abusive then I wouldn’t bother trying any peace, get out. I’ve lived with bad tempered, high drama people who rant or whatever but not to the point they ruin things or try to hurt me, those people I gave the silent treatment until they were calmed down and then asked them what they wanted to do about whatever they were making a stink about.