How do I cheer my friend up, she lost her baby?

Also, she keeps blaming herself. I told her that nothing was her or her boyfriends fault. She told me It would have been alive right now had she not heavy lifted or had the emotional stress from her boyfriend.

It’s really hard to know what to say, especially to a 16 year old, where pregnancy in the first place is a mixture of emotions. 10 – 20% of all pregnancies end in the first trimester, and of those 80% are due to abnormalities in the fetus or how it was implanted into the uterus.

How far along was she?

There’s really nothing you can do except be there to listen and tell her it’ll be okay.

I had a miscarriage at 16, and I’m 23 now with two healthy children. So she shouldn’t worry about future fertility (I know that is something most women worry about)

There aren’t any magic words that are going to make her feel better right now. Just let her know that you are there for her and be a shoulder for her to cry on.

Time is the only thing that will really heal her, and even then, there will still be a scar. I’d say try to be there when she wants you. Don’t pursue anything or push from your end. Check in every few days to let her know you’re still concerned and willing to help.

I had a miscarriage at 19. It’s definitely a traumatic thing to go through. It’s just like losing someone in your life. Everything reminds you of what could have been. Songs on the radio, seeing kids out in public, tv commercials, magazines etc. She probably wants to avoid as much of that as possible, so she may want to stay in for a while. You could, perhaps, offer to bring her lunch and talk at her house, instead of trying to take her out and cheer her up. She’ll feel better gradually. If you don’t see an improvement or it’s getting worse, say, in a few months, don’t be afraid to express concern to her parents or guidance counselor at school. If the ‘rents don’t know about the miscarriage, you don’t have to bring that up, just mention that you’ve noticed her acting depressed or whatever the case may be.

Good luck to you both.

Cheering up isn’t what’s needed. She can’t just cheer up. She needs to grieve a bit. If you can let her do that, listen and be there with her while she goes through it, that will be a great gift. Cheering up will come with time, but right now what she needs is not cheer but sympathetic, caring support—in other words, a friend.

@Jeruba Thank you! I know she needs to grieve. I guess the wanting to cheer her up part was impulse? :(

Good question. And well done to you for asking it.
From experience of this type of thing, up close, I am lead to believe that the (wonderful) female body, somehow knows that what it is producing is not properly formed, and therefore, naturally stops the process.
If this is the case, then I hope that your friend gets some comfort from knowing this.
And realises that she is not at fault.
That it is natural.
That these things happen.
And that she may have better luck next time.

It’s probably instinctive, @ducky_dnl, and it’s a kind instinct. But she mustn’t rush past dealing with her sense of loss and probably a painful mixture of feelings around it. You mustn’t make her feel that she has to hurry up and smile so you’ll feel better.

At the same time she doesn’t have to dwell on it. You don’t have to sit around and help her stew. Doing something positive together, even just going for a pleasant walk, might help her move along without the design of “taking her mind off it.”

I would have said pretty much what @Jeruba said… only not as well.

I just read what @Jeruba has said. Listen to her, lol. Was almost exactly what I had typed but much less long-winded. Here’s what I wrote, anyway.

There’s more than just the loss of her baby that she’s dealing with. There’s too much to deal with at that age without being in her situation, and her situation just compounds upon that. The only advice I can give is to be the best listener you can be, and give her whatever support you can while she figures things out. It’s her burden to carry, just be there for her to lean on. People often try to comfort themselves during a friend’s crisis before actually helping the friend. Don’t do that. If you’re friend is sad, you’re going to have to be a little sad too.

@Jeruba – you are a gem! Your comments are so sensitive and wise.

Just be there for her. Let her know what you are feeling. It’s never a good thing to lose a baby but she may have dodged a bullet. I have a friend who had her 1st child at 15. She now wishes she had waited til later in life. I got pregnant with my daughter my sr. year and i was 18, I graduated when i was 7 mos. pregnant. It was so hard to be pregnant in high school let alone being a mother in high school (as my friend was). DON“T TELL HER THAT IT“S A RELIEF BECAUSE EVEN IF SHE HAS THOUGHT THAT NO ONE SHOULD SAY IT OUT LOUD.

This is probably going to come off as insensitive, and will probably be modded off, but once your friend gets over the initial grief, you can talk about how she really dodged a bullet by not having a baby when she was 16. You can talk to her about proper birth control and the importance of waiting until she has finished with her education and can provide for a child.

We don’t pay enough attention in this society to the pain of loss that a miscarriage brings. It’s so much hope and excitement and joy that is stopped short. Depending on how far along she was, it could have been that she felt a relationship already with her baby. So, grieving is in store. And part of grieving is the, “what if I had done this, or hadn’t done that?” But it is just a natural way of thinking that somehow eventually leads to reducing the pain. Your friend needs to know she was not in any way at fault—miscarriages happen having nothing to do with what we do (ask anyone who tries to end a pregnancy).
From what you said about the stress from the boyfriend though, I would recommend counseling for both of them, so that before they begin having another child, they can see if this is a good step for them.

Well I believe in the original question she found out she was pregnant when she had the miscarriage.

Just spend time with her; that’s all you can do. Sixteen is a very young age to experience sex, pregnancy, and miscarriage.