If you have a S/O, is any flirting acceptable and if it is, how much or how far is acceptable?

I think dangerous is the operative word here.

I’m in an open marriage – whether or not something is ‘acceptable’ to my SO is not an issue because we have principles and an arrangement for discussion in place.

We just discussed this the other day. Since we are both big flirts by nature, we’ve agreed that flirting is ok up, but we cannot go as far as getting information that would aid in further contact with the other person. And obviously, nothing that would make either of us feel disrespected is allowed.
So “Damn! Nice ass! What’s your number?” is not ok. ”[Random corny joke with attractive person]” is ok.

There’s no way that there’s a hard and fast rule here. It’s going to depend so much on the personalities of the people involved and the circumstances of the flirting.

Zero tolerance, just like guns in schools.

My boyfriend and I have (to my knowledge) only ever flirted with drunk girls at parties. And we’re both very, very gay. :)

I probably wouldn’t like it too much if he flirted with another guy, but since it really hasn’t happened and probably isn’t going to any time soon (he’s pretty shy and I don’t picture him doing that), I don’t have much of a position on the matter. Neither of us really know many other gay guys; it’s not easy to flirt. :\

No

No flirting acceptable. Why would you even want to flirt with somebody else?

I am a playful and bantering type of personality by nature.

While I would not overtly flirt I will be my usual playful and humorous self.

My ex husband had friends ask him a few times if I was coming on to them, he’d just laugh and say

‘No, thats just how she IS!’ haha

Quite frankly, if anything, I have felt annoyed over the years that as an outgoing woman that genuinely enjoys people how many men cannot just be playful, relate to a woman without automatically thinking I must want to suck their dick.

Yep..I know, bold but true.

It is very frusterating to have to downplay natural fun loving energy to make sure a man won’t get the ‘wrong’ idea. Jeez…how boorish!

2nd Answer. one of the chief causes of domestic violence between two people is created by one or the other flirting with another person.

@xxii I don’t think it’s that most people want to flirt with others. It happens, and when it does, it’s an ego boost; it’s fun. Sometimes you just can’t help it, even if you try not to.

It all depends on the people involved in the relationship. What’s good and acceptable for you and your SO may be very different than what’s acceptable for my SO and me. For us, there’s no flirting. I won’t do anything without him that I wouldn’t do in front of him. I would never flirt with someone in front of him, so I won’t do it without him either. He feels the same way I do, so that works for us. We are also in a situation that leads to a lot of talk and rumors though, so that makes it 100 times worse and it’s part of the reason we both feel the way we do.

I have a pretty permissive policy for flirting. Just plain flirting is fun. I find it fun, and I’m sure other people find it fun. There’s no harm in that, to me, plus it can be affirming to have a connection with someone and to know that people other than your partner find you attractive, witty, or whatever. Harmless, innocent flirting is okay in my book.

There is a line, though. When it turns into pursuit (even subtle), physical touching, ignoring your s/o to fawn over someone else, getting to the point of one party wanting to exchange numbers or take it further, or generally doing something that disrespects your s/o.. none of that is okay with me.

I was at my ex’s weekend workplace (a live music venue/bar) with her one night, went to use the bathroom, and came out to find her earlobe in some chick’s mouth. I could not believe my eyes. I stood there staring at them for a few moments, then turned and walked out. Somehow I was supposed to be okay with what happened because the girl was “straight”. I said OH HELL NO.

Flirting is pretty harmless by itself. Some people misunderstand flirting and imagine it is a sincere “come on”. But that misunderstanding is easy to clarify if and when the person being flirted with let’s their imagination get away from them. I’ve dated a few girls who were flirty, but not one of them had a serious interest in others while we were dating. My current girlfriend is a little flirty, but it is harmless. Just part of her style.

I’m playful most of the time and I love to laugh and have fun. I tend to flirt in what I thought was a fairly innocent manner. I do like the earlobe in the chicks mouth image.

Flirting is not acceptable. Why would you want to flirt with someone else if you are in a happy relationship?

In my opinion, serious flirting, entails the (conscious or un-conscious) desire to want someone else. For example, I’m not going to flirt with another guy, because I don’t want another guy. Same goes for mine. I have a policy of honesty that I require. If he wanted to be with someone else, that is okay, but be honest, and go, because I refuse to be “sloppy second pawn girl”. >o>

What is an s/o?

significant other

Flirting to me is letting another person know that you find them attractive and are interested in knowing if they feel the same way about you. Sexual innuendo, double entendres, inappropriate comments, eye sweeps and suggestive looks all fall into this category. This energy being spent on another person is energy taken from you SO and is a sign that your commitment is not where it should be, in which case you have no business being in a relationship. It is unfair to the other person.
I do not consider conversation on general topics to be flirting, nor is it flirting when a person says something that tells you they are interested in a topic that also interests you. If I find a person that likes the same music or movies, that can toss around some Monty Python or discuss super string or DMT then I want to have a deeper conversation with them.
No sexual content is permissible, but that’s just me.

I think the healthiest approach is accept that it is normal and healthy to feel attraction for others and that being in a loving and solid relationship does not mean one never feels a pull, draw towards another.

Not acting upon ones attractions is part of a commitment of choice, but…to expect your partner to never feel a mental or physical attraction towards another is unhealthy and unrealistic.

It’s all about self esteem.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Is that a sexist question? Is that all these years thinking sexist thoughts coming back to bite me in the ass?

@Adirondackwannabe Is what a sexist question? Is your question a sexist question? No
@john65pennington one of the chief causes of domestic violence between two people is created by one or the other flirting with another person. – that’s a reason to despise domestic violence and the dumb reasons people allow themselves to hurt others over not a reason to despise flirting with others.

There’s playful banter with people, which I think most of us have done at some point, and then there’s flirting with intent. If you know you’re flirting with someone on the off-chance you might be able to “smack dat” (and deep down, you really do know what you’re doing), then you’re treading on thin ice if you have an SO who you know wouldn’t like it or feel threatened – or if the other party has an SO.

I think it depends entirely on how you define flirting. I am a very friendly and open person and on top of that, I spend a lot of time with young men who aren’t used to attention from girls let alone mildly attractive girls like myself :P. My boyfriend knows all of this and knows that I do not intentionally flirt with or hit on anyone but I like to have conversations with people I do not know. He also knows that I am very touchy-feely and I hug absolutely everyone even if I have just met them. As @Trillian pointed out, as long as there is nothing sexual going down, there is nothing wrong. In fact, when these boys think I’m flirting and try to take things to the next level, my boyfriend does not blame me because he knows that I’m not sending out mixed signals, he knows that these boys are simply misinterpreting my signals.

@john65pennington: I thought most domestic violence was caused by someone being unable to control their temper. If someone is going to hit his/her s/o, they’re going to do it whether or not the person was flirting.

Flirting is fine as long as thats as far as it gos. But be carefull things can get out of controll very quickly.

I agree with @aprilsimnel. There is a difference between harmless flirting and flirting with intent. We are sexual creatures and it is both ridiculous and dangerous to deny that or suppress it. Sometimes guys come up to me and/or my wife and flirt with her/us/me and we/her/I will flirt back. I think it’s fun to see other people be attracted to the wifey. She is pretty cute.

What is the point of flirting? . Are you trying to line up something after your s/o leaves? Or do you just want to frustrate and mislead the flirtee?
Which is it?

No problem with it whatsoever for either of us; a little trust goes a long way.

I am a naturally inquisitive person and I enjoy talking with people…all kinds of people. I don’t consciously flirt, but I think sometimes I think that men take just being interested in what they are saying as flirting.

My hubby is not a jealous guy, in fact he takes it as a compliment of sorts if a guy shows interest in me. I get indignant and he laughs. So, to answer your question: flirting is kind of tolerable although I don’t think I flirt. Where lines would be pole vaulted past would be if I started taking phone numbers down lol. Never gonna happen.

”...men take just being interested in what they are saying as flirting.”

I have found this to be true as well, and have been bewildered when told later on that such-and-such a man thought I was flirting with him, but wasn’t sure if I was really interested or what, so didn’t pursue it. Unless a dude makes it really obvious, there are many times that I can’t tell, and if I find the guy really attractive, I assume he’s taken and so don’t flirt with intent.

I wouldn’t do it. I believe it’s disrespectful, if not outright cheating. Besides, I have no idea how to flirt anyway.

@worriedguy Why does it have to be either of those? Why can’t it be harmless fun between two adults?

Ya what @Adirondackwannabe .. said.

@Adirondackwannabe I saw a similar thread a month or so ago. At first people disagreed until flirting was better defined, then there was less problem. Some people think flirting is just telling jokes with or befriending a member of the opposite sex, with which I naturally have zero problem. I consider flirting a way to see if the other person is interested in some kind of sexual encounter. As such, I find flirting in relationships totally unacceptable.

@cockswain I agree with you 100 percent. If you have a S/O and you’re out trolling for sex, first your a lowlife. Second if you have a good partner and you’re out trolling you’re a cretin.
(I really hope I spelled cretin right)

@Adirondackwannabe Agreed. The proper thing to do if you want to have sex with other people (and you aren’t in an open relationship) is break up so as not to needlessly expose your S/O to disrespect and humiliation.

As much as I love to engage with people, I am very conscious of not doing anything that might mislead a person and, especially, if their S.O. is with them.

Just the other day I had a married man following me around a social/party situation acting more than a little interested, I made absolutley sure his wife had no axe to grind with me.

I was polite, shook his hand upon leaving, kept the conversation flowing outwards towards the group, but it was obvious this guy had more than just a passing interest.

I’m sure this dude has been in the doghouse many times and his sniffing around with me was nothing new. lol

Depends on a variety of factors. My current girlfriend works for a friend of mine. He always flirts with everyone, to the point where she’s annoyed. But she neither reciprocates nor would she cheat on me, so when I sometimes see her joke with him or pretend to flirt just for fun in front of me, I don’t mind. I’d also trust her to chat with someone (eg online) because she always makes sure to mention she has a boyfriend. She’s polite and nice to everyone, but she doesn’t lead them on.

Little obviously silly flirting is whatever, but there is a fine line between both parties involved knowing that neither are serious and its going nowhere, and one of them thinking it is serious and trying to make future advances. Personally, I’m so happy with my boyfriend that I don’t even want to flirt with other guys. That doesn’t mean I’m not nice and pleasant and talkative but I just have no interest in them and I think he feels the same way.

@Adirondackwannabe You asked: “Why can’t it be harmless fun between two adults?” Because Guys are Guys and a little blip in the testosterone level changes which head does the thinking.
And women are women. A blip in the estrogen level can change an innocent flirty remark into a sexual harassment case.

Sure you can handle a gun safely when it’s loaded and the safety is on. But it is far safer to not handle it at all.

@worriedguy

I like to give people more credit than that, at least mature people anyway.

It would take a really, really inappropriate remark/gesture for me to even consider filing a sexual harrassment charge, if at all.

I think the behavior you mention should be catagorized under overall fucked up-ness, not everyday run o’ the mill male/female behaviors.

I would say the under 40 crowd might be at a higher risk for these issues though.

I think what we need to do is try and define flirting. As I said, I am very friendly, open and touchy-feely with people and this often translates to “flirtatious.” In reality, I am just as I said, being friendly. Just because I hug you and love talking to you doesn’t mean I want to fuck you. However, many people don’t understand that.

@KatawaGrey

I agree 100%...I guess it really comes down to perception, short of ripping off ones clothes and doing a lap dance. lol

What I consider to be friendly and open may be perceived by another as solicitious.

I think with so many peoples baggage, idealized if not addictive approach to relationships, jealousies pathological and moderately ‘normal’, insecurities and god knows what else in operation, anything could be misconstrued at any time dependent on the observers in question. lol

It’s a mad, mad, mad world, yes it is!

For people who’ve agreed to be exclusive to one another than flirting should stop short of exchanging risque texts, e-mails, web chats and physical groping. I know people who are comfortable is friends of theirs pinch their butts or rub up on them but I personally don’t like it and it would bother me a lot if my partner allowed any of these things, I’d feel disrespected like they were sharing things about them I felt were special just between us two.

I honestly can’t stay I feel comfortable with the thought of my boyfriend flirting with other girls.
I’m happy I haven’t had to experience it (as far as I know) and I hope it stays that way.

It depends- how much do you trust your partner? If you don’t trust them, then any flirting is possibly dangerous. If you do trust them, then harmless flirting (flirting without intent) might be ok.

It depends on the level of trust you have between you and your partner and how honest your partner is with you about it. If you have doubts about trustworthiness then I would say zero tolerance. But that’s not necessarily the case for all relationships and if you trust your partner to stay within agreed limits that’s fine too.

@downtide just wrote something super important, agreed limits between partners which means flirting habits should be discussed so neither gets tripped up and bent out of shape.

I would say no flirting is acceptable. You are either with someone or your not.

Zero tolerance.

I see a lot of replies that reference “innocent flirting” being okay OR contesting even what flirting is (“if I don’t have my hands down his pants then I’m just being friendly) OR arguing about whether flirting is the main cause of Domestic Abuse (it is not – it’s anger management over many issues… I guess that I should have included my police uniform pic and name in my avatar but we have been strongly cautioned about such nonsense for the sake of personal and family safety!) OR how it effects the individual…

First of all, I like @Adirondackwannabe latest answer. Spot on. Exactly right.

For those who enjoy it and get a thrill out of it, if you are hooked up, what about your SO? Regardless of what they might say, I can assure you that at some level it hurts. Or like the individual who had the understanding with their SO as to flirting as they both were VERY friendly people and naturally flirtatious (no such animal… It means you have esteem issues) and came out of the bathroom to catch her SO with some child’s earlobe in her mouth (or vice versa) and stormed out and the SO is now the “ex” (Why, what happened? Just being very friendly, naturally flirtatious – or does “innocent flirting” left unchecked generally lead and evolve to some point to the serious flirting – or a strong potential to do so?)

And then there’s the OP (other person). The one who is either the target of your flirting or your SO’s flirting or is flirting with you or flirting with your SO.

What about them. What about their feelings? One absolutely (supposedly) KNOWS that the OP knows that it is (supposedly) a joke or just fun or playing around? And that they aren’t thinking that there’s something brewing? (Oh, even if they do, you know it isn’t happening, so too bad for them… what a great person). Or how about if the OP is the stalker (or worse) type? That happened to my overly naive, very outwardly friendly wife on more than one occasion, but one specific one incident where she (having walked up to a guy that she thought, erroneously, was someone that she / we SLIGHTLY knew) approached a strange guy in a store and began sweetly and very friendly chatting him up. Commenting that they should leave and go somewhere for a drink and go to his place, he took her by arm and elbow and started steering her towards store exit (about 15 feet away). Confused and looking around – I know she still felt that this was guy we slightly knew from a few years earlier – she spotted me coming back around the aisle corner looking for her (I didn’t realize she has veered off to talk to strange OP when we first entered store), she said “well, let’s ask my husband”. Strange OP looks up and sees me and literally runs out of the store and completely through the large parking lot and across street between buildings and gone (clearly didn’t want me to see what car he got into).

In that latter scenario, do you have any idea how many weirdo OP (and yes, there are some OPs you know who are covert weirdos) get an initial “signal” that way?

If you are on the market and the OP is on the market and both are interested, flirt (carefully) away.

If you have a SO, I say that anything beyond CASUAL politeness is off limits. And that if that is too binding, then adjust the relationship so that there isn’t a SO!

Oh, I guess it’s settled since a pig police officer says no. ~

How many black youth have you harassed today? How many have you beaten? Killed? (Stereotypes are fun.)