How would you deal if you felt responsible for someone's suicide?

We all are ultimately responsible only for ourselves…now, I’m obviously not talking about children or the invalid.

The person responsible for a suicide is the person who commits it.

This is not to say that others might not feel guilty and torment themselves about it. But the death was caused by the choice of the person and not by someone else.

I don’t think anyone can answer that question until it actually happens to them.

I think my reaction would greatly depend on how much the person meant to me. If I felt our relationship was pretty new and there wasn’t much personal investment by me than I think I would rationalize it. If I broke up with them then it was probably that I felt they were unbalanced to begin with.
If it were someone I still cared for an extreme amount and they commited suicide, I would probably be more angry than feel responsible. I would be angry that they were in trouble and didn’t trust me enough to let me help. They disregarded my feelings and lumped me in with the rest of the people who didn’t care. It would hurt for some time, I am sure, but I’m not the type of person to blame myself for someone elses behavior. I don’t understand how anyone can just chuck it all away. I remember when I was depressed because my dad was dieing. I thought about wanting to die too but I couldn’t hurt those who loved me in that way. I just wanted my pain to end but I kept telling myself that time will heal my heart and I still had others who loved me.
Suicide for me is a finite solution to a temporary problem. Nothing in the world will last forever for us. Only death.

I’ve already gone through this.
I still feel guilty about it.
I broke down and cried for about 3 hours straight when I found out.. I finally stopped when breathing got too hard. I didn’t go to school for over two weeks. When I finally went to school, I just sat there and stared at his picture all class.
Nobody I knew had to deal with a suicide before. Nobody knew what to tell me. Nobody knew how fucked up I was getting. Nobody knew the actual amount of blame that I was placing on myself.

He called me multiple times that night. Left me 8 voicemails and a few emails.
He tried so hard to reach me. At the time, I was the only real friend that he had.
I had been grounded for over two weeks at the time, so all I could do was write letters to him.
That wasn’t quick enough.

First I tried blaming my mom for not letting me have contact to the outside world.
“You’re the one who made mistakes. This is your fault, not mine.”
That only made it worse. It’s like she was confirming my self-blame.
I finally tried blaming him. I stayed angry at him for about a week, but once I realized that I had used the phrase “I hate you” in his direction, I snapped back into blaming myself.
I haven’t gotten over it, and it’ll have been 3 years in two weeks. Oh God…

He already had some instability issues, he had family issues, he was on medication for depression, he disconnected himself from anyone but me for a while.. I know it’s not my fault that he chose to end his life, but I do blame myself for not being there when he needed me the most.

I spent years walking on eggshells with my mother because I was afraid she’d kill herself. She pseudo-attempted twice, ending up in a mental hospital during this time… once because we had a very minor argument on the phone. She hung up on me, and took some pills, then called an ambulance for herself.

Due to some really serious issues I had with my mom, it was making me insane trying to keep our relationship all sweet and nice. Over years of therapy, I finally learned that there was not a thing I could do to stop her if she really wanted to kill herself. If I prevented it one night, she’d do it another night. For instance, in @rangerr‘s case, suppose she had talked him down that night… but, the next time he called she was sitting in a dentist’s chair for 3 hours or something? It just can’t be done, long-term. (I’m so sorry, @rangerr – {hugs}) In my mother’s case, I finally stood up for myself… and nothing terrible happened. She’s alive and well today, because she never really meant to kill herself.

All that said, I’m certain I would be inconsolable for some time. Logic would rule in the end, but feelings would over-ride logic for a long time, I think.

@rangerr, People always think they may have been the one who could’ve saved someone else but that isn’t always the case. You might have helped delay it but without them really seeking real medical help, nothing would’ve worked. He would’ve eventually done it any way. I’ve known people who had everything going for them try to commit suicide. Its not a rational choice. If they really have it in there mind to do, than they would’ve done it. It very well could’ve been they had already made up their mind but just wanted to say good bye personally. Playing what if only makes things worse. Best thing in the world to do is play what is. They are gone but you are not and you should be glad you are still around. I know feelings are an iffy thing and its hard to control but the world is filled with ifs. There will always be things beyond our control. Sorry you had to learn that so young.
Oh, didn’t realize Augustlan said the same thing above. Well at least now you know two people who think you should give yourself some slack.

EVERYONE who is a close friend or family of someone who completes suicide feels at fault and responsible. It comes with the territory.

This doesn’t mean that the guilt one carries is justified, merely that it exists. It doesn’t make any logical sense, and yet it persists.

When my Mother committed suicide, I was already an adult and living on my own for many years so it certainly had no logical basis. And yet I felt responsible with a hundred “what-ifs?”

It doesn’t much help either that the rest of society is so awkward at dealing with this subject or discussing it. Most people would rather you didn’t mention it at all and others look at you as if you also are now somehow defective or “flawed”.

What helped me a lot gradually over time was a local small group of SOS.

That stands for Survivors of Suicide and there are groups all over the US. Every other person in that group was dealing with a lot of the exact same set of feelings to one degree or another. This is how I know the truth of my first sentence. EVERYONE deals with that same sense of responsibility no matter how illogical.

It helps to be able to talk with or just listen to others who know exactly what you mean and can help you get in touch with the more rational part of yourself which knows deep down that each person is responsible for their own decisions and really have no control over someone elses.

I would highly recommend finding a group in your location. The first few times I went, I couldn’t really say anything. I just listened and even that helped.

I never realized that there were groups like this until a minor local govt. official committed suicide and the local news covered it and also featured the phone number for the local SOS group.

Nowadays with the Internet it’s far easier to locate one in your locale. Go find it. You won’t regret it.

Feel free to PM me.

No one is responsible for another person’s suicide.

Feeling responsible is a natural part of dealing with suicide. There are always countless coulda-woulda-shoulda situations to consider after something like that.

A good friend of mine committed suicide last summer, so I can speak from experience. I had a period where I felt incredibly guilty because I never asked him what was wrong, didn’t talk to him enough, all sorts of things. I thought about him every single day for months. My boyfriend (the deceased’s best friend) also went through this – I’m sure at times he still wonders “What if I had done this…?”

But really, you have to realize that, in all likelihood, you are NOT responsible for someone else’s suicide. It is their ultimate decision to take their own lives. When people are in a situation where they feel suicidal, it is ultimately up to them to either get help or to succumb to their depression. I had to keep telling myself that over and over whenever I started feeling guilty for my friend’s death.

Talking with others really helps, especially talking with those who were close to the deceased. Almost certainly they will also feel responsible, and through talking it can help you realize you are not responsible, even partially. Unless you basically commanded the person to take their own life, you are not to blame.

You are not responsible for the death of a former friend, or love interest. The fact is that most likely they have been dealing with suicidal thoughts and tendencies way before you came along but the break up or separation acted as the straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak. If it wasn’t you, then it would have been some other negative situation that would have cemented the idea in their minds.

It is natural to feel helpless and enter into the rotating patterns of ‘if only’ and ‘I should have said or done this or that.” The fact is that suicide is a very deep and complex issue and many people who are truly genuinely loved and well cared for emotionally still feel suicidal. The dilema lies within thier own hearts and minds and has nothing to do with those they center themselves around.

One way to heal from this, is to maybe write your friend a letter and place your feelings and concerns down on paper. Create a ceremony of passage, a letting go memorial and either read your letter out loud, to friends, or alone, or allow your letter to float down a river or burn it in a fireplace, or safely in a fire pit. The understanding is to leave your feelings contained in that letter where they are, spoken into the air where they take flight on the wind or they remain sealed burned up forever, ever lasting in a realm that you will pay no attention to. ( out of sight out of mind)
The fact is with suicide, you did not get closure, the one who chose suicide had the final say and now your heart is left with and open ended goodbye and your heart in order to heal needs to feel responsible in order to rationalize and make sense as well as accept the suicide.
You did not do anything wrong, and this is something that your friend is responsible for. We are all responsible for our actions and reactions, and how you deal with this from here on in, is your choice, your responsiblity and within your control. You have the final say my dear, not suicide. Your life is yours to make it and live in it as large as your integrity will allow. You are a person of value and worth, just as much as the friend who suicided. They coudn’t see the value in themselves but now through your life, you can give them their voice back, and show others who are depressed, and suicidal that life may be hard, but it can be overcome through healthy living.
Hugs!

GA and welcome to Fluther.