Why do women derive their identity from their relationships?

Women are all about emotions and relationships. That said, I do not think most women today in our culture take their identity from their relationships. I think they define themselves by a number of roles they play in society: wife, mother, professional.

There is a strong cultural bias toward women taking their identity—right to their last name from the men they are associated with.

It takes time to overcome that.

I am, who my boyfriend makes me. I buzz off him. My identity was different in my last relationship, as it wasn’t a happy one. But yes, my identity is definitely from the relationship I have.

It’s not only women in relationships. This happens often with different situations. If someone hangs out with a certain person or group of people for long enough, they will start to pick up on some of their habits and start thinking, acting and/or talking similar to them.

I identify more with being a mother than a wife as having kids changed me more than getting married did.

I think women do this because we have been the primary caregiver for a millennia. The success of raising happy, healthy children depends, in large part, on the positive relationships you keep and maintain. Actually, being a happy and well-adjusted person depends on the relationships you maintain. So identifying yourself with those people or groups is evolutionarily wise.

I’m mostly talking about unmarried girls in relationships but It seems like a lot of girls if asked to tell about themselves they will start talking about their s/o like they are incomplete without them and that person is a significant attribute of themselves, whereas men don’t really do that

@jaketheripper I am unmarried and in a relationship. When asked about me I talk about him, without him there is no me, and I am nothing without him. Good question.

It has not been that way for me.Particularily in the case of “Psycho Bob” LOL!
I am a fan of individual thought and always have been ;)

@lucillelucillelucille Great answer.

@Adirondackwannabe—thank you;)—

I healthy relationship is give and take. Getting a little of each other from one another.

But it comes down to the dominant in the home/relationship will always influence more then the other.

My relationship was the exact opposite. I was Megs partner, that was my identity.

First, this is a truly great question.

My answer is yes. my wife has always been proud that i wear a police uniform and what i stand for. my wife has always looked up to me for guidance in our family. don’t get me wrong, she is her own person in her own right and she lets me know it really quick. i respect her for this. but, on the social level, my wife would not change a thing.

I make her proud…..........she makes me proud.

I would not say that all women derive their identity from their relationships. I’ve thought about this for a long time, ever since one of my kids friends tried to get my attention by calling; “Jillian’s mother!” I’ve seen women who are defined by their men in every aspect of their lives, they have no identity of their own and are therefor not a whole person.
I’m not going to trot out Kahlil Gibran again, but he teaches against this as it is unhealthy.
On the other hand, in a social situation, I see no need to to identify ones self as s- and so’s gf, or bf. It let’s people know where the lines are drawn.

@john65pennington As always John that is just a great answer. I respect my partner, I have so much respect for him. I look to him for everything. You sound like you have a great marriage and you are both lucky to have each other.

I don’t think it happens as much now as is did in the 1950’s. A lot of women though choose to focus all of their energy around their SO. The relationship I have with my husband does direct which path I take in life at times, but I don’t feel it defines me. I was a mother and a nurse before I met my husband. I identify with being his wife, but I also identify with being a lot of other things as well.

Personally, I think it’s important for anyone in a relationship to continue pursuing things as an individual at times too. You (general you) don’t have to do everything as a couple and being part of a couple doesn’t have to be why you do things. If I didn’t have my own interests and hobbies, I’d be going crazy right now with my husband being gone.

@Seaofclouds Sorry about your husband.

In our culture men are allowed, encouraged even, to exist as an independent entity. Men aren’t raised with the knowledge that one day they will have to make a choice of ‘work vs kids’ for example.

Women haven’t had long to try and make their own segment. We still are withheld from reaching all the same things as men (why is a different argument) can aspire to- so we have to find our worth from somewhere. When women couldn’t work outside the home, it’s natural to emotionally find pride in a spouse’s job. When women couldn’t go out alone, it was natural to identify as part of a couple because that brought freedom.

While a lot has changed- there is a long tail that has yet to completely leave our society and how we raise our daughters.

Oops, too late to edit;
I see not need not to identify ones self…...

Sophief, thanks. you know, sometimes marriages are made in heaven. wife and i both feel this way. we have been married to each other for many years and the days pass really fast when you are with the one you love. this is a little corny, i agree, but you know what you feel. wife is a great lady and has always been there for me throughout the good and the bad. i wish this for you and your boyfriend. john

@Sophief Thanks. I’m adjusted to it now. The next step will be readjusting to him being home when he gets here.

@Seaofclouds I think I misunderstood, I read it as though he had passed away. Obviously that is not the case.

“Man is defined as a human being and a woman as a female – whenever she behaves as a human being she is said to imitate the male.”

@Sophief Ohh, no, not at all. He is deployed.

@Seaofclouds That’s what I just thought, sorry about that, but pleased I got it wrong.

if someone asks me about myself i would say where i’m from, what i enjoy, and that i have a boyfriend. i wouldn’t talk only about my boyfriend. it strikes me as odd that some women do? i dont get why. in fact some of these answers kind of surprise me. yikes.

I notice women that I know from my mother’s generation or my grandmother’s generation doing this a lot. I think I was somehow raised with a bit of this influence. Whenever I’m dating someone, there’s this urge to drop everything and make my whole life revolve around them. I have to consciously try to make as much time for my friends, family, work, and my own interests as I did before the relationship started and to not define myself as someone’s girlfriend.

If you tell people you have a boyfriend, they just seem to “get” it and not question you too much about it. If you tell someone you’re single, the response might be disappointment, puzzlement, or, “You go, girl!” but there’s always a need to explain yourself. Hopefully if I ever have a daughter, things will be different and she’ll have no trouble seeing a relationship as just any other fun part of her life.

Oh, please. Women nothing.

My hubby’s best friend changes completely depending on what girlfriend he has. One of them was stuck up and snobby, so he became stuck up and snobby. One was all into rap music, and he became Gangsta. This current girl is a jealous freak, and about as sharp as a sack of wet mice, and he’s become a complete idiot with insecurity issues.

I’m done now. Just felt like ranting.

Beats me, maybe immaturity, maybe fear of being alone, maybe they are a little too eager to please.

I am more like @tranquilsea . Being a mother has influenced my identity far more than being a wife.
I think for my spouse and I we probably influence each other’s lives quite equally.

On the other hand, lots of groups of people seem to identify themselves with that particular group, as if that is all there is to them. Like this guy from one of my favorite movies ever. I didn’t realize how raw it was going to be and had to leap across the room to shut it off because my sever year old was there at the time. I know that there are also gay people who use that as their identity, as if that is all they are. I don’t know if this is due to the negative things they have to deal with or if it’s a psychological issue. I’ve been discriminated against because I was a woman but it’s never really been an all consuming problem for me. There are probably other forms of identity that people use, like their job, I suppose.
“I’m a doctor” “I’m a stay at home mom.” I guess from a psychological standpoint, one could say that the primary identity of a person, how a person sees him/herself, would be the first thing to come out of their mouth. How many other things listed would indicate how important the primary identity is. I’d also guess that the more identities a person has, the more well rounded and healthy the person is psychologically.

@Trillian Sorry about this, but Sybil jumped into my head as I read your last sentence.

@Adirondackwannabe Why? Why ya gotta lash out? Why ya gotta be deliberately obtuse? Sybil, I’ll Sybil you! Where’s that wooden spoon?

In a sexist world, women are raised to think they’re nothing without a relationship and certainly without children. They’re to mother and to please a man in order to be considered a ‘real woman’ – it’s BS and I don’t subscribe to it. You ask me what I am and I will say, in that order: a person, an activist, a mother, a student and a vegan – the term wife, though I am married, woudln’t come into the picture and not because I don’t love my husband but because who I am is not about who I am attached to.

Men and women are hard-wired by evolution. From the beginnings of recorded history, men determined their value according to physical strength and the ability to protect and provide for their families. Women sought out the men who could give them, and their children, a feeling of security.

The hard-wiring is so evident in modern sexual attraction. Men are drawn to youth and beauty, yet they have no idea that the root cause is fertility. Women are attracted to power and achievement—strong, successful men who offer social or financial safety. There are reasons why beautiful young women throw themselves at athletes (physical power), and why an unappealing middle-aged guy can get a trophy wife (success and security). Take those same guys and put them behind a cash register at Target; nobody would even notice them.

When I was in college, a football star and BMOC fell in love with me. I felt so privileged and special that he’d chosen me—he had his pick of the girls. I floated with happiness because I was his girlfriend. After we’d graduated, all the shine and glitter went away. He was just some unemployed guy—no more campus fan club—and, frankly, a bit of an @$$. We were history within a year.

@Primobabe Many of us are more than our evolutionary drives and are perfectly capable of resisting these hard-wirings when the happiness from doing so is greater than replicability of our genetics.

Do I smell gasoline?

@Adirondackwannabe Gasoline?

I’m with @Seek_Kolinahr. It may have been only or mostly women in the past, but nowadays, an awful lot of people, both male and female, are defined by their relationships. I can say, with absolute honesty that I am, by no means, defined by my relationship with my boyfriend. I’m still Kate, and he’s still Bob and sometimes we’re Kate and Bob together and we like being Kate and Bob together which is why we are dating. In some circles, our identities are inexorably linked and I have been reduced to being Bob’s girlfriend and my own identity is lost. I work very hard against that because I am a person and it is patently ridiculous that my worth should be determined by my relationship. I would still be me without him, though I would be sad, but sad Kate is better than no Kate at all.

@Sophief That was my bad. I should know KatawaGrey and Simone better than to expect that statement to get them fired up. My apologies to you both.

@Adirondackwannabe I just didn’t get what you meaning.

@Adirondackwannabe Yes, you should have – to assume that I get fired up about any old statement referring to hard-wirings/sexism/roles is wrong because I’d never have enough time in my day and I’ve heard it all before – I hold nothing against people’s beliefs, only when they are purposefully being assholes which nobody has been on this thread

@Simone_De_Beauvoir MY apologies again. That was really stupid and I wish I could take it back. I should think more before I hit the answer button. Same to you K

@Adirondackwannabe: That’s okay. No offense taken. :)

This must be a heterosexual thing.

My younger sister is a person who completely becomes who her boyfriend is. I watched her “change” her personality with every boyfriend and now, her husband. She is living a lie in my mind as she is suppressing large parts of who she actually is. But, with her, it boils down to low self-esteem.

I’m at a loss as to what identity you might be talking about. I’m formerly a girl, now a woman, wife, sister, daughter, granddaughter, mother, grandmother, aunt, formerly employed, now homemaker, crafter, once upon a time entertainer, pet owner, meat eater, old lady and Fluther Jelly. There’s probably a lot more in me, but you get my point. Which identity would it be?

I’ve never defined myself by who I was in a romantic relationship with. I’ve always stood on the edge of any social groups I’ve been in, as well; just the one toe in, but remaining mostly outside. I’m just me.

I am very much like that. I wish my partner would let me take care of him more than I do. He is more than my world and he knows that. I live for him and adore his every movement.

This question and some of the answers really point out how different people are.

Oookay, I think my previous critique of this question was valid and I don’t think I was too harsh about it, but apparently the moderators disagree with me. Let’s try again:

I find your question offensive because it’s such a sweeping generalization. At the very least, I wish you’d written “some” before “women” in your question title.

Your observation doesn’t reflect my experiences at all. Of course, I’ve encountered women who seem to define themselves by their relationship, but I’ve also encountered women who don’t, and men who do.

I think your question would be a lot more meaningful if it was about people. “Why do some people define themselves by their relationships, whereas other people stay more consistently ‘them’ no matter who they’re with or not with?” That is an interesting question. Personality types, etc.

If you think there’s a bigger trend for women to be this way than men, that’s fine but I think you should talk about it in terms of a trend. This way, you can avoid making derogatory generalizations about massive groups of people.

Although, like I said, this doesn’t reflect my experience, I think if there IS a trend for women to define themselves by their relationships, it’s because of the patriarchy and sexist socialization. I move in pretty ‘liberal’ circles, so I can imagine my experience of the world is limited in that regard (as everyone’s experience is limited, which is why I think we should avoid making generalizations – stereotypes, prejudices, assumptions – based on our experience).

You can change your name, but not who you are.

@tinyfaery ?

Never mind.