Why is it disrespectful to look people in the eye?

I wasn’t aware that eye contact was disrespectful. I always thought it was a sign of respect to meet peoples eyes.

In some cultures, people are taught you don’t look people in positions of authority in the eye. It is suppose to be a symbol of respect and acknowledgement of the authority the other person holds. Sometimes they will say a “superior” person instead of a person with authority.

I’m from one of those cultures.

@Seaofclouds pretty much got it. For us it is about respect. It’s more about age than authority. If someone is your elder then it is a sign of respect to not make eye contact.

In all honesty though it is pretty much unconscious. Most of us grow up not even realizing the standard is to look people in the eye.

I consider it polite while conversing. Doing otherwise is often interpreted as being “shifty” or evasive. In other cultures, (several Canadian Aboriginal peoples) it is perceived as aggressive or as an attempt to intimidate.

I’m sure some of you can cite other cross-cultural examples.

I had to learn to not look my relatives and adults in my neighborhood and church in the eye. To look someone in the eye was to indicate that you were challenging their authority and disrespecting them (I have a theory on how and when that may have come about in the culture I was raised in, but I’ll just keep it to myself).

However, when I didn’t look my white teachers in the eye, they thought I was hiding something from them and/or disrespecting them. So by the time I was 8, I figured it out the differences and could “code-switch” accordingly.

@RedPowerLady Just curious, would an older person in your culture look their nurse in the eye if the nurse was younger than them? I’ve had patients from a few different cultures that wouldn’t look me in the eye, even though they were older than me. (That’s why I mentioned authority and not age.)

I think @Dr_Lawrence got it too, when I do make eye contact I feel like I’m being unnecessarily aggressive.
but @aprilsimnel also makes a good point. I’ve been in grief counseling. Had to explain to the counselor that not making eye contact was not a sign I was lying but rather a cultural issue.

@Seaofclouds I think we are pretty much conditioned to not make eye contact period. You learn to make eye contact as a child. So since as a child everyone is your elder you don’t make eye contact with anyone. I’m not sure this changes as you grow older, it’s just not a skill we learn. Since I haven’t made eye contact most of my life when I do try and make eye contact it feels very awkward.

@RedPowerLady That makes sense. Thank you for explaining it to me. My cultural competent nursing care class was my favorite nursing course.

This is bizarre. I consider not making eye contact disrespectful because it seems like you’re not giving the person you’re speaking to your full attention. I always try to make as much eye contact as possible.

@Seaofclouds It shows :)

It’s culture dependent and not intrinsic. In mainstream U.S. culture, not making eye contact appears evasive and suspicious or just distant and inattentive. “He wouldn’t look me in the eye” is a criticism that shows someone is untrustworthy. In some cultures it is considered challenging or threatening from someone who is supposed to be subordinate.

I was always told that I was considered strange for_not_ making eye contact (I have Aspergers Syndrome and consider eye contact confusing and disturbing). I have always failed to see what eye contact has to do with trustworthiness or attentiveness. Maybe social norms are coming around to autistic standards?

@stranger_in_a_strange_land Maybe I learned to remedy that a little too well. I tend to unnerve people by staring right through them.

Apparently you’re learning that there are all kinds of cultures and all kinds of norms. Good for you.

Yes, in some cultures (and with some animals, too) it is considered disrespectful and “challenging” to look the other in the eye and not break contact (or even to look in the eyes at all), and in other cultures, such as most of North America, it is considered somehow rude, disrespectful or evasive to avoid looking another in the eyes at all. (It can also be “challenging” in the US, if it’s done in certain ways, as @jerv certainly knows.)

Most people will give you a pass on breaking their brand of taboo if they perceive that you do it out of ignorance or a misguided attempt to be polite in your own way. If they want you to be close, then they’ll tell you (or show you, if you’re attentive enough) when you are crossing lines with them.

There are a lot of taboos centered around feet, too. In some cultures showing the soles of the feet to another is the height of rudeness. Most Americans are familiar with the Iraqi man who threw his shoes at President Bush… and others who merely waved their shoes at American servicemen… both signs of disrespect. Then there are cultures where wearing shoes into a person’s home would be disrespectful, and others where taking one’s shoes off would be a faux pas.

It mostly helps if you pay attention and just try to get along.

@jerv I learned how to “fake” eye contact from something I read in a book. If you look at a persons eyebrows or forehead, people more than a few feet away from you can’t tell that you’re not looking at their eyes.

It’s not.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I know that trick too :)

Oh wow, I had no idea. I always thought it was rude not to look people in the eyes. To be honest, doing so makes me uncomfortable but I have been forcing myself to out of politeness.

Now I have no idea what to do!