How do you react when you kid says no to every request?

Whenever he says no, ban Star Wars for a day.
It still works for me.

Don’t ever ask a kid anything. Tell him.

Instead of asking a yes or no question, try asking something like “Do you want to take your shower now or in 15 minutes?” or “Do you want to wear this or this today?” Asking questions that only allow an answer that would be acceptable gives him some choice and gets the task accomplished.

Edited to add: Since you updated your question, perhaps he is trying to gain some power and control over things and this is his way of doing it. Maybe you could give him options like I mentioned above to see if that helps any.

@dpworkin your point is well taken. I edited the question to make it clear that I do tell him what to do. I do so politely and with a please, but it is always in the form of a statement rather than a question.

The word no is not in my vocabulary and it definetely should not been a seven year old. he is defying you and your stand has to be now and not later. this is where a swat on his butt comes into play. its not an assault, its just a wakeup call that you are the boss, his mother and he is the child. forget standing in the corner, forget timeout. none of this works, according to may granddaughter my wife and i raised from an infant.

When my kids were young (and I have raised four, now) I didn’t give them options. I just quietly explained what would happen, and it always happened, either with their cooperation or without, and rather quickly. Then I would introduce a reward when they complied. They soon just learned that when I said something, there was no use refusing, and the tantruming and refusals died off. Operant conditioning, 101.

I agree with @Seaofclouds – our 4 year old does the exact same thing your son is doing and he only gets either/or deals – if the deal is unacceptable to him, he can stand against the wall with no food/no toys/no one to pay attention to him for as long as he likes – he never lasts over there…I understand a 7 year old is different, I’d have him sit alone in an area with nothing to occupy him until he chooses one or the other choice you’ve given him…and I’d sit him down during a different time and ask ‘why the sudden change? are you feeling angry at me? at the changes that’s happened? do you feel out of control?’

When my kids went through stages like this I spent a day saying no to them for everything they asked of me.

No can sometimes be about a desire for control or autonomy. Sometimes, giving them a sense of control and autonomy (when appropriate) sometimes calms down the trying to take control through constantly saying no. For example, “Honey, would you like to help me clear off the table?” answer: “no” response: “okay”. In life sometimes it is okay to say “no” and sometimes it is not. Of course, it becomes very important to only ask questions you are willing to get a no on. In those times when it is not okay stick with statements and as has been suggested throw in a choice.

@john65pennington I have sometimes felt like I was angry enough to smack my kids, but I will not ever do it. While I am not judging those who do, I was physically abused as a child and no matter how mad I get at these kids I cannot bring myself to hit them. I just cannot do it. I do agree 100% that I need to nip this in the bud now.

I am not much of a time-out kind of mom either. I tend to lean toward punishments that are logical consequences. What I have tried with this is taking things away that are dear to him. He freaks out in the moment but he doesn’t seem to remember how upset he was and keep himself from doing it again.

@dpworkin I have been contemplating using more or a reward system than a punitive system. We are going to have a trial run tomorrow. If he makes it all the way through the morning tomorrow without a no then he gets some of the things I confiscated back. If he makes it through the rest of the day, he gets the rest. My two older boys suggested a behavior chart. I like that idea but it feels like I need to have something more you know, something to pull out in the moment.

Kids typically have more things they want than do parents. Require that they ask for anything they want to do. If them have been refusing to comply, refer to consent to their requests. That should shape up their behaviour. This puts you (back) in control of their consequences.

What do I know? I’m just a…....

I just read what you said about divorce. It might help to remember what is developmentally appropriate for his age. It is also common when children go through different milestones to re-visit past traumas. Not only is he personally developing he is up against the year anniversary of the divorce. Such things can feel overwhelming for any of us. If your instinct is that the divorce is playing into part of it then trust that instinct. (I say this as mom who has two children who have navigated the death of a parent and have diagnosed behavioral problems.)

It can be very exhausting to help our children navigate when they go through intense times of being resistant to direction or civil exchanges. It shows that you are a with it mom to notice the change in behavior and a need to respond differently as a parent.

Most kids understand examples. When he asks you for something say no. I know many will say that its stooping down to his level but he will understand that life is a trade of actions. He won’t pic up. Than you won’t make an effort to take him to the park. He won’t get dressed. Than he gets no tv till he does or video games. Whatever you know he really likes to do. Right now he needs to know who is in charge. He’s challenging you because he feels he can. I’ve seen a lot of divorce couples give into their childrens tantrums during divorce because they feel guilty. He doesn’t need your guilt, he needs to know you have things handled so he will feel secure and he can go on with being a kid. My husband would go on deployments and my son would always act out at first till I put my foot down. Then he would know that he had nothing to worry about because I had everything in control.

I use the choice method – Shall we clean up now, or are you going to take a shower first? Try – are you going to pick up or would you rather do the laundry? If he says no, then he needs to sit down until he is ready to choose. – It might be all night, be prepared.

Agree with @pandora The next time your kid says I want some________. YOU say no. When he asks for the next thing, YOU say no. When he asks why, tell him. It won’t solve anything, but it will be a good place to start. You teach people how to treat you. It may have been inadvertent on your part, but he’s learned he can get away with saying NO to you.

@snowberry I wonder if that can intensify a power struggle, or if a young child will see that as modeling? I would think at 7 years old they should be able to reason somewhat. If he says “no” maybe ask “why?” Make him explain. When the parents says no, they have to be willing to explain why. A parent will have answers, the child won’t if it is just a power struggle. It might help with critical thinking also. But, I don’t have kids so what do I know.

I also agree with avoiding yes/no questions and giving options.

Meanwhile, I am sure many of the suggestions sound good in theory, but I would guess in practice it is a different story.

This is when requests must become orders. Not really fun, but he has to learn that he may not tell you no. I had this experience and explained that the child was allowed to say “I’d rather not because…....” They need to know the adult cares what they think, but what the adult says goes. So, don’t “ask” him to do anything, tell him. If he refuses, continue to physically move him. Also, you may have to start taking away priveleges.

You say, I don’t take no for an answer. Then explain the consequences, i.e. penalties.

Since he has a melt-down after… I wonder if he is feeling powerless (divorce/visitation/etc.) and exerting power in a way that is obvious to him.

Can you give him “power” somehow?

Some kids need a warning. “In 15 minutes, I need you to change the litter.” and then “Don’t forget, you need to put your game down in 5 minutes to change the litter.” and then “OK, now it is time to turn off the game. You need to change the litter now. You can turn the game back on once you’re done with the litter.”

Can you do his favorite mom-alone-time activity with him (favorite restaurant? ice cream? park?) and have a chat about it? “I notice that when I ask you to do things lately, you’ve been telling me no. Why is that?” and listen. Let him know that while you want his input and care about his thoughts/feelings, etc. you are his mother and it is your responsibility to guide him. There are times when you are fully welcome to his input (ie. what to have for dinner) and there are times when he has to do what you say (ie. when it is time to do homework or go to bed). Be clear with him about what is negotiable, what he has input on, what he doesn’t. Find out if he needs more notice or options.

Good luck!! :) You’re a super mom, @SuperMouse.

@Cupcake Good point about the warning. I still want fair warning, I tell this to my husband all of the time. My mother always did that for me.

Is there some sort of child cage thing available….. kinda like a cell you can hang from the ceiling? :)

Supermouse. i understand your position, associated with your past. my granddaughter was going to the mall with some of her friends. i gave her $30 and that should have been sufficient for their plans. after she left the house, i noticed that money was missing from my wallet. not much, about three or four dollars. when my granddaughter came home, wife and i confronted her about my missing money. she admitted that she took the money. her punishment was no communication or entertainment for thirty days. this meant she was confined to her room, except for school and the bathroom. no tv, no cellphone, no music, nothing for 30 days. she did her 30 days and has thanked me many times and that she was wrong. i think you are on the right track. taking something away seems to get the message across, rather than physical violence.

Don’t give him a yes or no choice, rather give him a choice of what you want or the natural consequence. Don’t be snotty or condescending, just speak casually. Examples:

“You can pick up your toys, or I can pick up your toys. By the way, I keep every toy I pick up.”

“You can clear your dishes, or I can clear your dishes. By the way, kids who clear their dishes get to eat breakfast tomorrow.”

“You can take a warm shower inside, or I can spray you with the garden hose outside… but either way you’re getting bathed.” Make sure to use this one on a cold day

And always stick to your word. Never give a choice that you won’t back up.

You seem sensitive to the issues your son is dealing with. And his behavior tells you that a lot is going on with him. I also assume that your relationship with him is pretty good. What I would do in this situation (not really knowing that much about all of it—but just from what I glean from your question) is interject humor. And I would tell him to do as absolutely as little as possible. Let the room go. Unless he is really dirty, let the shower go. Create for both of you as few options for his “no” as possible. Then, when you really need him to do something, see if you can couch it in a fun way eg. “company is coming, let’s see who can get ready first,” ” let’s brush our teeth together and see who comes out with the sparkliest teeth,” or whatever. This is not to say you need to abandon limits, because children (and adults) need them, but humor at age seven (and earlier) is a wonderful salve to lots of situations. But that means that you need to realize that some of the things you are telling him are probably not that important really. So, figure out what you really want and focus on those.
Also, about the divorce, does he have someone to talk to about his feelings? It might be a good thing to have a person for him, to whom he can talk without hurting anyone’s feelings.

@JLeslie You can try it. Some kids are extremely manipulative, and will twist and turn every word you say to their own advantage, even at age 7. Others will get the point, and you have a basis of understanding. Depends on the kid.

You’re a good mom, girlie, and I know you’ll get this sorted out. I wholeheartedly agree with those who’ve suggested giving either/or options and reminders/time warnings. My oldest is about to turn sixteen, and we still use “2 minute warnings” to let them know it’s almost time to do this or that. That said, he may just be going through an obstinate time during which nothing much will work. (Been there, done that!) If that’s the case, choose your battles wisely and stick to your guns on those issues. If it’s not terribly important, let it go (I don’t mean you should let him tell you “no”, I mean don’t even ask him to do it for now.) Whatever the reason for his negative behavior, I hope it passes before you pull all your hair out! I still have mine, but it’s awfully grey. ;-)

I apologize for the mess in my earlier answer. I was obviously way too sleepy. Misspellings, wrong words are all evidence of exhaustion. Sorry for all that!