Is it normal to have feelings of jealousy towards your "first love"'s relationship, years after you've broken up?

Uh, pardon me but: “but when I see my ex talking to her new lover on facebook or saying the things to her that she used to say to me, I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can only describe as deep-seeded jealousy.”

Why are you facebook friends? Why are you following what she says to her partner? Are you also in touch with them in real life?

You should put a little distance between you. This sounds unhealthy. Maybe I need more info.

@zenele When I first got on facebook I added everyone I knew as a friend, including many of my ex’s, because most of them are still really good friends with me, and I wasn’t thinking in terms of seeing everything that she says to her new love – I just wanted to maybe say a friendly “hello, how are things?” Before I asked this question I did delete her from my friends list, though, because I realized myself that I’m not getting anything out of being her friend on there.

(Also, I’m not on her page reading everything she says, but it comes up in my newsfeed sometimes)

I haven’t personally experienced something like that, but it makes complete sense for you to feel that way. You have absolutely no closure, so you’ve been wondering for the past 3 years “what the hell happened?!”. It’s very difficult for anyone to move on without some kind of explanation, closure, or reason.

What you need to do is stop checking up on her on Facebook. If she’s on your friend’s list, remove her. The longer you keep checking to see what she’s up to (even if it’s only now and again), the harder you’re going to make it for yourself to move on.

The situation sucks, and I’m sorry it happened. You said the relationship you’re on now is more fulfilling that the one from the past, so hold onto that. Know that you’re in a better place than you were. Though you never got answers, it’s time to look forward, not back.

Oh… You posted right before I put that. Good for you, you’re doing the best thing for yourself. :)

I hate facebook – that’s just one more reason. I lived close to someone I cared for and separated from for many years. It wasn’t easy. Closure and healing need distance..

It’s totally normal. It’s often hard to see someone who cared for you, care for someone else in the same way. You’ve been replaced—it’s not easy to be ok with that. It’s no matter if you’ve replaced her; that doesn’t make it hurt less. I can understand why it would make you feel insignificant, maybe. Why is it so easy for her to apply the same thoughts and feelings that were once exclusive to you, to someone else? You were very special to her, and now someone else is. It seems like you become forgotten, your importance diminished. It can be a shitty feeling, I get that. It makes sense that you reacted that way.

@le_inferno Glad to hear that someone can understand what I am going through. I forgot to mention it before, but I also have a sneaking suspicion that she was cheating on me with the girl she is currently with. Just this year my girlfriend was cleaning out the trunk of my car and found a photo of my ex with the girl who she is with now.

Something is being left out of the story. There was a major fight or somebody had another lover or something before she moved out. Since your heart was the one ripped in two it would be natural for you to feel pain when you’re reminded of her. I’m sure you know it will fade. Try not to dwell. And FYI both deep and seeded are words so you didn’t get the spelling prompt, but the term you’re looking for is deep seated.

i dont think it is normal, only because you said it was years ago, and that you wouldn’t want to get back with her now even if you could. if you have no desire to be with her, why do the jealous feelings even form? i too feel like something is being left out of the story. and with a bad break up like that….i would rather not keep in touch with this person, especially now that its been so long and you know things wont just blow over and you’ll get back together.

I do think that it’s normal, but I don’t think that it’s a terribly healthy emotion, and it sounds as though it is causing you some concern.

As a number of other people have said, the event you describe sounds fairly traumatic and like it was a considerable shock for you, and it’s entirely unsurprising that you might find yourself experiencing difficulties letting go and moving on from it. Perhaps that is where the jealousy is coming from; if you still feel emotionally connected to her in some way because of the pain you were caused by her departure, and if that pain still feels uncomfortable and raw, it makes sense that there would be a whole load of other confusing and distressing emotions still there. I think because there’s also this unresolved issue of whether or not she was being faithful to you, it sounds as though it would be all the more hard to let go and move on from. I don’t mean to sound all psycho-babbly at all, but this is just my perspective on what you wrote.

I think the hard thing in this sort of situation is that all of the moving on and closure, or whatever you want to call it, has to come from yourself, and yourself alone. I think you’ve taken a positive step by deleting her from your Facebook account, and perhaps it would help you some more to address all of the “outstanding” issues that you have about this relationship, by writing them down, or talking to someone you trust – whether that’s your current partner (if it wouldn’t cause distress), or a friend or family member. I wouldn’t encourage you to ruminate or dwell on this issue, but it might help you clear your head a little. Then, as others have said, in time, hopefully these sorts of feelings will fade.

I’d like to point out that there was nothing left out of the story, as far as I know. There was no huge fight – that’s why it was a shock. We had a normal relationship with normal ups and downs, but nothing too major on my part. That’s why I think she may have been cheating or something.