Anyone know any good jokes?

What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body blown off? He’s alright now.

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic athiest who spent his life trying to find doG?

No offense intended. Did I spell offense correctly? I truly can’t remember how to spell it!!

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Did you hear the one about the man who burnt his ear?
He answered the phone whilst he was ironing.

Do you know how he burnt the other ear?
Phoning for an ambulance!

what do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino? hell if i know.

get it?

@deni Very good, I had to look at that for a second to get it.

@Papayality – biting into an apple and fiding half a worm? do love that one.

all great jokes everyone cheers!

What does a biscuit say when it gets run over?

crumbs

Where do you find a one legged dog?

Where you left it

@deni GA :-)

A bear and a rabbit were taking a potty break in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit, “Say, do you have problems with anything sticking to your fur?” “Why, no,” replied the rabbit. So the bear picked the rabbit up and rubbed his bottom with him.

@bongo No.

Being raped.

Anything Dpworkin writes.

@papayalily HAHAHA. I know some very horrible ones. not sure if they are fit for fluther though…
ok this is a mild one and sorry to any massive michael jackson fans but:

did you hear about michael jacksons last request?

he wanted to be melted down and made into plastic bags so that he could still be a danger to children.

@bongo HAhAHA. I’m lovin it…

Jimmy Carr has some really great not safe jokes, like “when i was a child I was afraid of the dentist. He was a pedophile. I suppose that begs the question ‘How many fillings did he give me?’” and “What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? Glue.”

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, “I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly.”

Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, “Daddy!”

The old man replied, “Pinocchio?”

@papayalily if you like jimmy carr you’ll like this

How do you get a nun pregnant?

…Dress her up as an alter boy

Or

Bill and Duke were sitting on a bench outside a country pub watching a bull humping a cow in the paddock across the road.
“Gee i’d like to be doing what that cow’s doing” said Bill
“Why dont you?” said Duke “It’s your cow…”

Got one more you’ve set me off now @bongo I was supposed to be going to bed, you’ll have to make me something extra special for the barbeque tomorrow to make up for it.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

…You can keep the tip

@dynamic3 roflmao

you got to read this one…...

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

“You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.”

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with ‘hell’ and you say something with ‘ass.’” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can just stay there until I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?”

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

Only filth! :-/

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE
A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW
DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, ‘GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS
AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK,
I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE
CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, ‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL
WAS DEAD!’

‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’

HIS FRIEND SAYS, ‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’

‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER
A LITTLE BITE, THEN
SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!’

me : I heard that Olive Oil is good before going to bed
you :who told you that?
me : some guy named Popeye

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replies “150” and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, evidence against the official version of 9/11, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities of Amazon Basin tribes.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, “This is really cool.” He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, “What’s your IQ?” The man responds, “about a 100.” Immediately the robot starts talking about football, trucks, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women’s breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes out and returns, the robot serves him the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?” The man replies, “Er, 50, I think.” And the robot says, real slowly, “So….ya gonna vote for Bush again?”

There was this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was tanned all over with the exception of his penis, which he readily decided to do something about.
He went to the beach, undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other old lady saying, “There is really no Justice in the world” The other old lady said, “What do you mean by that?” The first old lady said, “Look at that…....
When I was 20, I was curious about it
When I was 30, I enjoyed it
When I was 40, I asked for it
When I was 50, I paid for it
When I was 60, I prayed for it
When I was 70, I forgot it
And now that I’m 80, the damn things are growing WILD and I’m too old to squat!!”