What separates monogamous people from people in open-relationships?
With some detail if possible, could you explain why you are either monogamous, or in an open relationship, and your reasons for feeling this way?
I hope I get people from both sides to compare and contrast each.
I agree with both ideas, but what I would mainly like to find out is what separates the two ideas like economic, moral, educational, religious factors etc. Thank you.
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49 Answers
Sex drive and/or some form of attachment disorder.
The inability to dedicate one self to another. Attaching some justifiable “logic” to it.
If it works for the individuals involved, great.
I have always been interested in a polyamorous relationship. I can “logically” make sense of it.
It’s getting the math to work.
@ChazMaz How can you both put logic in quotes like that and then say if it works, great – clearly, you’ve made up your mind to the point of being condescending about something you probably want and can’t make work.
@Blackberry To us, it is about principles – that of freedom, of absolutely openness and trust and of communication, it’s about compersion and living as individuals committed to each other primarily and to a life ahead of us but knowing that jealousy is petty and low and that we should rise above it and that we return to each other because there is no one out there better for us than each other but if there was someone, it is not our place to guilt trip each other into staying or build an elephant out of a fly because of secrecy and restrictions. When you have an open relationship, you have (in my opinion) a much more stable bond with each other – in that you can be with anyone at any point to any extent without repercussions but you continue (through all of life’s changes and our own personal changes) to come back to each other not because of vows or because of what you simply must do or because that’s what is expected of you but simply because you love each other continuously and no one can take that from you. So what if he sleeps with another? That act has nothing on us and will never ruin us like it can ruin so many other relationships, like the mere finding of a text or an email ruins other relationships. Please, we pay zero attention to frivolous crap like that, we cultivate a family and a depth of emotion that aren’t marred by insecurity and constant anxiety or spying or getting together with friends and bitching. But I would like to say that the ways people approach their open relationships are different and it is hard for some to make it work because they can’t even understand how to communicate with their own partner let alone enter into any mature connections with other people. And it will never work if you’re a guy that just wants to get off on two women having sex in front of you or with you – that is not an open relationship, that is a sexist entitlement that you have no right to demand.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir – It is called being honest. I can be guilty of that same “logic.”
Being honest enough to myself to see it and not be afraid to site it.
And, condescending is your choice of word. Don’t tack it on to how I am thinking, just because YOU take offense to it.
Also, won’t and can’t? Life is not over yet. My decision on MY time. :-)
There are more options than the questioner gives. I was in a committed threesome that was not “open”. My rationale for being in such a relationship was that the woman I loved very much also had a female lover. I agreed to the arrangement, we formed a single household; the “other woman” and I became very close friends. This worked out very well for over twelve years.
@ChazMaz I think it is personality thing that some people just do not have. Similar to people having different parenting styles or something.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir I totally agree. It reminds of the notion that small fights etc. do not matter because if your S/O was killed the same night, you would not care about that little fight.
@stranger_in_a_strange_land Oh yes I was aware there are other arrangements, you are right and I should not have grouped a situation like yours into an open relationship because it is still comitted between three people instead of two. But that is really awesome :)
It’s not something you can nutshell. All of life’s experiences have a bearing on decisions like those. I would like to have a monogamous relationship, but I’ve never been successful at it before. Not by choice anyway. I’ve been faithful because my options were limited to opportunities I didn’t want. I think having an open relationship is the right choice for some people. They trust their partner to remain emotionally faithful. Like all relationships, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.
I suppose the separation comes from what people want their lives to be with their partner and how they define partner. For me, a partner is much more than someone emotionally faithful. It’s a person with whom to share everything, the happy, the sad, the good, the bad, and the minutia of everyday life and problems that come with it. A person for whom I am the center of his life and he of mine. The person for whom I am witness to his life, and he to mine. The person with whom I will grow old, and take care of, knowing all the time one of us will eventually bury the other. The one person with whom, as a couple, physical contact, pleasure, fun, and silliness are satisfying, enriching, and forever grow the oneness that is only experienced by few.
Some people think of monogamy as a sacrifice. I think that to find the one person with whom to share your life in this way is one of the greatest blessings possible.
A boy or girlfriend.
We’ve been married for 44 years (almost). Fear is a good motivator. I wouldn’t fool around because I am pretty sure that I could not live without her.
@perspicacious: I don’t see what any of that has to do with monogamy or polygamy. Why can’t you have an equally deep and meaningful connection with one person or with many? Or if you do have that deep and meaningful connection, why would having other less important relationships have any bearing on that?
@nikipedia This discussion is about monogamous and open relationships, not polygamy which is having multiple spouses. You can do a search on this site and find a lot of discussion on your subject.
@nikipedia They are not the same thing. Thanks for the comments.
@nikipedia Except you can’t actually marry more than one person and you can’t actually marry a same-sex partner. Maybe you’re using the term loosely?
@Simone_De_Beauvoir: I think something got lost in the semantics here. I in no way meant to change the discussion to one about marriage; I meant to point out that plurality rather than exclusiveness in a relationship does not alter the presence or absence of the things @perspicacious was talking about.
@nikipedia ”...plurality rather than exclusiveness in a relationship does not alter the presence or absence of the things @perspicacious was talking about.”
Indeed.
Gee, I’d be very concerned the man would want to keep going with this. Not stop at ONE other partner. But I could NOT have any other man, right? (trying to understand how this “works”).
@GrumpyGram It’s only right if that’s the terms you agree to – in my relationship, if I can be with others, so can he. Obviously.
From my personal experiences of people I’ve known growing up around our family then the open relationship people were 99.9% the ones who weren’t able to be faithful and so the choice of open relationship lifestyles is what they gravitated to in order to be able to have something serious but on terms they could honor. I’ve never seen (one) last either.
@Neizvestnaya I think everyone can be faithful, no one is forced to cheat. But, open relationships have nothing to do with cheating. For me, it’s about not denying that other people other than my husband can inspire me and that I can love them and that that love takes nothing from the love I feel for my husband.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir
I believe all people are capable of being faithful but some can’t do it for very long before they grow restless and uninspired by just that one partner. The longest I’ve known a first hand open relationship to last was about 6yrs. Good luck to all.
Nothing separates us. We love who we love.
why make it difficult
@Neizvestnaya If I grow restless and uninspired by a partner, they are no longer my partner. Yet I am in an open relationship with my husband and have been in such with him from the beginning of our relationship and we have never been more inspired – in fact, his openness to the idea of open relationships and our working through it to make it work is even more inspiring, to me – not many people have the emotional depth for it. And maybe you and I will still be friends in 3 years so that I can tell you we’ve lasted longer. PS: did they break up because theirs was an open relationship or for other reasons? Because I love how people say these relationships never last like their relationships have all lasted..oh wait..
@Simone_De_Beauvoir
You’ve got a point in that most people don’t have the emotional depth to take on such an arrangement. It’s a lot more than just having the greenlight to sleep around. The people who didn’t last broke off mostly because at the root of them was that want to partner up with one but they didn’t have what it took to stay with them, that’s why I say I personally believe most people enter open relationships as a cover and not as foundation for wanting to share more love. A few couples broke up because they met “the one” and then went on to a conventional marriage, one couple I know of is still together but long since past the idea of open relationship.
@jonsblond I’m making it difficult (or what I call, being inquisitive) because it seems apparent that it does matter who we love, and that separates a lot of people, especially if they love more than one person : )
I’m going toss an example out there, and I know that it is not going to be the exact same, but it is the only example I can think of at the moment.
But is it possible that people that can handle open relationships are a minority that is so small that the majority simply can not understand it at all? Similar to secular-minded people emerging during the Enlightenment? It totally goes against everything we have known for so long, but more people are starting to be more relaxed and understanding to the notion of loving/liking etc. more than one person?
It’s not a matter of these people “emerging” per se. Just like the Enlightenment, people had these ideas, they were just afraid to go against the grain and admit it. It was also a crime in some cases. I think the same thing is happening here that more tolerance for alternative lifestyles is coming around, therefore more people are willing to admit that they feel this way. The weird thing is that this is happening when STD’s are running rampant. This should be pushing this behavior away, but it doesn’t seem to affect it.
I don’t approve of the lifestyle. If I am happy with one person, there is nothing else someone new can do for me, sexually. I find the sex better with people that know you and your body, and the two people learn about each other, knowing each other’s “spots” and what they like. And throwing in something unexpected ever once and a while. While the intrigue of someone new is exciting and unknown, it’s just not worth it. Putting the time and effort into loving one person is more beneficial than loving many without as much effort. The connections are not as deep. It’s like anyone who does physical laabor. If they have one project to complete, they can spend all their time and effort into it and perfect it. If they have more, they have to divide their time and get confused as to what they did where and the perfection is impossible.
@Ponderer983 Yes the STDs are a major problem; to be honest, that is one thing that prevents me from exploring this lifestyle, along with the whole problem of finding other people that can deal with the lifestyle.
@Blackberry Oh. I didn’t mean you making it difficult, just people in general. I’m actually enjoying this question. :)
@Neizvestnaya – “The longest I’ve known a first hand open relationship to last was about 6yrs.”
Sorry to hear that. I have know people that have celebrated their 60 year anniversary.
And, growing restless and holding on, is The beauty that comes with that dedication.
Some can have that control, others can’t.
@ChazMaz
I’ve known and know more couples in conventional exclusive relationships who have thrived to celebrate many anniversaries, it’s the stuff of my dreams.
@Neizvestnaya Wouldn’t the sucess of these relationships depend on the amount of people that are monogamous or open-relationship people? Of course there are more monogamous people, so you are going to see and know more about monogamous relationships.
@Blackberry
Maybe in the general public. I’m the child of hippie parents and grew up with an interesting cast of characters.
Um, there are plenty of ‘long-lasting’ relationships where 1) they’ve gone outside once or twice 2) they go outside still 3) they’re staying not because they’re happy.
Um , so what if I want 3 or 4 men but they can’t have anyone else in their lives but moi ? That way, I’d get what I like Plus I’d not have some other broad in the kitchen and “borrowing” my clothes. Is that feasible? Easy for me to cook for a crowd, do laundry for the YMCA and make sure things get done around here!
No? ok.
@GrumpyGram That’s not an equal or fair arrangement and you know this. I’d think those men would be fools to be with you.
I think the only thing that separates the people in monogamous relationships from those in open-relationships are their feelings and beliefs. Some people are raised that monogamy is the only way and have a hard time changing those beliefs.
For me personally, I am monogamous because I do not want anyone other than my husband and he is monogamous because he doesn’t want anyone else. We both feel very strongly about it. We have talked about it before and we both feel the same way. If something were to change down the road, we would discuss it again before making any changes to our relationship.
@GrumpyGram That’s up to your partners to decide. When I was with two people, they were both equally able to be with others.
@GrumpyGram I will, maybe someday. These days, as all my days, I’m too busy living my incredible life.
Nothing, each is living their lives as they see fit. It’s a personal choice and neither one is any better than the other. One is more socially acceptable, but I think society is overstepping. I don’t believe in a moral majority in this particular case. MYOB
It is a personal choice.
And, as long as those “personal choices” don’t infringe on the “personal choices” of others. :-)
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