Wedding etiquette: What should we do?

If you want MY opinion, don’t go. Use the money that you would have spent on a babysitter and a gift to go to a nice restaurant over the weekend (when your parents can babysit for free).

I say he goes to the wedding, then picks you up for the reception. That’s my 2 cents, FWIW.

My first inclination would be to wait and both attend the reception so your husband doesn’t lose out on money. The RSVP is mainly for the reception anyway. You can make this a date night, maybe have a really good time at the reception by dancing and eating and visiting with people your own age for a change.

Lots of people go to a reception and not to the actual ceremony. In fact, I have a wedding coming up in a few weeks where I intend to do just that. My husband isn’t able to leave work in time to go to the ceremony, but we’ve RSVP’d for the reception.
I’m not sure the bride & groom are really worried about who is sitting in the crowd for the big moment, they are way too wrapped up in more important things… like each other.

Take the baby with you, and schedule another night out when the sitter is available.
Weddings are nice places to show off a new baby.

@filmfann – ROFL! I’m sure the bride and groom will love your advice to @casheroo :-p

@filmfann We have an almost 3 year old as well. He is NOT coming to the wedding.

@TheOnlyNeffie has a point, unless you’re very close with the bride/groom, it’s totally acceptable to only go to the reception.

Just go to the reception (both you and hubby not him going sooner), that is the fun part. You will be there to show your support and you have a good reason for not being at the ceremony. Just give the cousin a hug and say sorry you couldn’t make it earlier for babysitter reasons but you are so happy to share this time with them. As a side note you can always get a sentimental gift (i.e. cheap, haha, say a picture of you and them together or a peice of local art symbolizing love).

Well, I’m with @janbb Your husband should attend the weddin, it is his cousin and both go to the reception. If you didn’t want to go, it’s kind of too late now, you R.S.V.P.d and if there’s any way you can go, you should. The bride and groom will be out money if you don’t go to the reception. They have already paid for your meals, the cost is based on the number of people who said they would attend. And don’t take the baby with you, but you already know that.

Try to find another sitter. If no luck, one of you should attend the wedding, then both can go to the reception.

I am surprised and rather upset at the notion that people would attend a reception for wedding guests when they have not attended the wedding.

Send your husband to the wedding join him at the reception later.

@Jeruba I’m with you on that.

@Jeruba So even the option of me not being able to go to the wedding would be rude to you?
My husband and I definitely don’t both want to miss the wedding, but if it came down to it..only sending one might be the only option. We’re also lucky, that even though it’s a catholic wedding, they aren’t doing the mass so it’ll only be a short ceremony.

I would have your husband attend, and pick you up afterwards. Sitter issues is valid reason for you both not to attend the wedding. If the sitter thing worked out as planned, he wouldn’t have given it a second thought about having to miss work, so that’s not a valid reason now.

Perhaps one of your parents could drop you off at the reception, so your husband doesn’t have to come all the way back to get you?

If you didn’t mention that you’re taking the baby on the RSVP, you shouldn’t take the baby. In general, I think you can get a sitter on short notice (maybe I’m wrong) and go anyway, but not stay a long time since you don’t feel like going, to begin with.

Either way, it’s not working out very well, is it? If the reception is a dinner and you have said you will come, the host is paying for the dinner. Letting it go unused would seem very rude to me too: allowing someone to incur an expense on your behalf that you have broken your commitment to use.

If this were my dilemma, my first choice would be to look for another sitter, maybe even just someone who can cover the gap of time between when you have to leave and when your parents are available. Second choice would be what @janbb and others have suggested: let your husband attend the wedding, and both of you attend the reception, calling as little attention as possible to the arrangement.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir The issue with us getting a sitter is that my little guy has been refusing a bottle, and I really don’t trust people other than my parents or my husbands mother to watch him. I love my friends, but none of them have kids and I know they wouldn’t deal well with a screaming baby. :(
We hope to have this all figured out tomorrow! I still need a dress since nothing I own fits :(

@Jeruba I don’t see how it is rude to go to the reception if you can’t make the wedding.
@casheroo I don’t think you should get a sitter if you aren’t comfortable with it. Baby comes first.

@Jeruba I have been to weddings where I was only invited to attend the reception and the ceremony itself was just attended by close family. But since you already RSVPed @casheroo, one of you should go to the wedding and you should both try and make it to the reception. It’s hard to trust someone else with your child: I don’t live near any family so I can certainly sympathise with that, but the kids will survive for one day without you. I find that my son eats much better and is generally less fussy with babysitters than he is with me!

I must live in a different world of morals and etiquette than the rest of the universe

@RedPowerLady You are right, it’s subjective to a certain extent. Ultimately only @casheroo can really decide if it would be terribly bad form to only go to the reception, as only she knows the people getting married. But if it were my cousin, I know they they would be upset if I RSVPed yes, only to change at the last minute.

@jeanmay Anyone would/should be upset if someone RSVP’s and then changes their minds at the last minute, except under very extenuating circumstances.

@lillycoyote Disagree, I know people who just don’t worry about such things!

@lillycoyote Hmm, on second thoughts, I’m not totally convinced actually. Maybe in other circumstances, but not a wedding.

@lillycoyote No I don’t think anyone would be. I wouldn’t be upset if someone RSVP’d and then showed up later for the reception especially if it were a cousin. What affect does it have on the ceremony, it’s not like they are paying for dinner at the ceremony? I simply don’t understand why it would be upsetting for someone to RSVP and then show up at the reception. In fact I can only think of one person in my life who would be upset at this out of the several bazillion people I know.

btw how completely selfish is it to not be understanding if someone can’t find a babysitter. For those of you saying it is rude to rsvp and then not go or go to reception I have a question. My question to you is if it were your wedding and a family member rsvp’d but then legitimitly couldn’t find a trustworthy sitter would you really be upset with them for showing up late or not coming? Or would you be compassionate and understanding? Perhaps a bit sad they didn’t show but get over it? I mean come on no reason to call it rude. It seems like many people are over dramatizing the entire thing.

@RedPowerLady Because presumably the people you invite to your wedding are people who you wish to witness the ceremony, the coming together of two people. As I understand it, @casheroo is saying that one of them could still attend, even without a babysitter, so why would they both miss it?

@jeanmay so why would they both miss it? Because they are a family. No reason to cause stress on the family when they can still congratulate the couple and share part of the day with them. You don’t have to witness the actual ceremony to share in their joy. I would not expect one person of the family to come simply to “save face”. I mean this is just silly in my opinion, what people are presuming as rude I mean. Why unduly burden your family over silly presumed moral obligations when common sense says that it is a bit over the top.

I understand what you’re saying and I sympathise with the dilemma. We will just have to agree to disagree. I would only feel comfortable if one of us went in that situation, for better or worse.

One person should go, because it is a family member, and in the scheme of family politics, it’s prudent not to miss, because the absence will cause concern and draw attention to the absence. Both not attending because of sitter issues looks like @casheroo and her husband didn’t plan well for the event, when they did. Having the inconvenience of having to go back home after the ceremony demonstrates 1) that the ceremony was important, and 2) that the sitter difficulties were beyond your control.

Breaking in a new sitter on a 3 year old and a 12 week old baby is extremely stressful, and shouldn’t be done when you have an event that is dictated by an exact time to be there.

I would think that it would be reasonable to expect that when your parents get there, your mom comes in and watches the kids, while your dad drops you off at the reception.

@PandoraBoxx GA.
Thanks everyone. We’re still working on the solution to the issue, but as of now, my husband will attend the wedding and then I will attend the reception with him.
Funny thing about that is, my husband has to work all holidays so I go to all his family events without him. I go because I want our children to still be involved with him family, even if he can’t be there, plus it’s fun! They’re so used to just seeing me and the kids, it’ll probably be a shock to see just my husband lol. But, I know it’d be more important if he attended than me.

@PandoraBoxx Very GA!
@casheroo Hope it all works out and you have a great time.

Well whatever happens I hope you both enjoy your day :)

Just an update: My mother is going to leave work early! So, we’re both going to the wedding and reception (first date night since LO was born!) Hopefully little guy is okay with it, he seems to hate taking bottles. (as a side note: they would have no problem with us bringing the baby, especially because I’m breastfeeding and my husbands family is very supportive of that. A couple of my husbands Aunts are nurses, and have always given me encouragement.) We wanted to go without the children though.
And I got a dress that I feel comfortable in, so I’m hoping it’s a fun night.
Thanks for the advice :)

Have fun, I know you will look fabulous!