Is a 25 year old guy too old for an 18 year old girl?

When my first husband and I met, he was 24 and I was 17. We were together for 7 years, married for 3, one child together. It was I who left him because he was less mature, less intellectually developed, etc. So, there’s no telling.

That age difference is not a big deal.

The fact he is a teacher and she is a student is more relevant. In many states dating a student is a crime, even if both parties are over the legal age of consent.

Yes although 43 is perfect.

As they both get older the age difference will matter less and less (when both people are over 25). But I personally feel that somebody who is 25 going out with an 18 year seems wrong. Of course it is legal and yes they are both adults. I’m not sure I can justify my reasoning but I can imagine it becoming a problem as they will have different priorities. If they are together in 5 years time, he will be 30 and she will only be 23. He starts to think about settling down and she is still having fun being in her early 20s.

I think there is such a big difference in terms of mindset for somebody who is 25 and somebody who is 18.

The problem isn’t the age. The problem is a teacher has taken up with a student when she was a minor (last year). Had he met her anywhere else and she was a legal adult at the time then it would be no one’s business but in this situation, people will talk and most of it won’t be positive.

I would be much more concerned about the fact that this substitute teacher is dating a student. If this guy is dating a student we have a pretty good idea of what his scruples might look like. She she run – not walk – away from this fellow.

Full Disclosure: One of my sisters married a teacher from the high school she attended when she was 18 and he was 37. 23 years later they are still married and have three grown children. They have had a lot of bumps along the way, and I would call them the exception that proves the rule.

I do not see a problem with this

Age is just a number. Unless he’s a creeper, than I wouldn’t worry about it.

About 100 years ago, I learned that one of the cheerleaders in HS was dating my old gym teacher. I learned about this well after graduating. They ended up getting married.

Later it was discovered that they had secretly been dating all through her senior year.

Too big of an age difference for what? Other people to handle? That’s what it seems like the problem is going to be, not the relationship itself.

The problem is that the teacher student thing being breached is a HUGE no no and may jeopardize his job. Even if she is out of school soon. This does not bode well for his ability for discretion and if I could talk to him I would say “Back up”..“Danger”...

@SeventhSense

But that’s the thing. She is going to be out of school soon. I don’t see why someone has to go and ruin the relationship now just because she’s still technically a student. Also, this is a substitute teacher; it’s not like he works at this particular school permanently.

@DominicX My school had permanent substitutes. That sound so screwy!

@DominicX The law doesn’t care that he is a substitute. School board probably doesn’t care either. Thanks to zero tolerance policies, if the school finds out, they almost have to fire him. And probably call the cops and have him charged too.

@DominicX
I’m just telling you as a former educator how it’s looked at. It’s not good even if it consensual and legal.
It’s like a boss/employee thing but worse.

@WestRiverrat @SeventhSense

I understand, but what is the advice then? End the relationship for good just because there’s a small chance they might get caught over the next few weeks or so?

well hes not a sub anymore he works for a radio station so is it still a big deal?

@DominicX, the lack of discretion would definitely jeopardize his staying in the sub pool. Kids like to talk, and word will get back to another adult who’ll take umbrage.

If the guy isn’t a teacher, the age difference isn’t a factor. I know that even at my college, TAs and profs were pretty much banned from dating undergrad and graduate students because of the power differential, not the age of the people involved.

They will have to show a little self control and wait until after she graduates. Then they can do what they want, especially if he doesn’t plan to keep substitute teaching.

@DominicX
Ya well at this point it’s a little late. Now just think, she knows, and her friends know and every kid in the school knows. All it takes is one with a grudge to destroy him.

This started last year when she was a year younger and that is a huge red flag. I have to wonder if he has other teenagers he is “dating”. We had a teacher in high school that did this same thing. He went out with a lot of the girls who were 16 and 17. This came out later, not at the time that each girl thought she was the only one. He finally got caught having sex at the football field house with a 16 year old, got kicked out of that school district and went on to another school district to do the same thing. He finally got banned from teaching. As a funny side note, he is on the dating sites here in my state and lists his age as 15 years younger than he is.

no one knows and no one will know until she graduates

@chyna
He sounds pretty creepy..

I always looked at them as pretty flowers that were not to be plucked.

last year it wasnt serious. it was a playful thing bc he worked at a club for little kids where her bro would go. he hangs out with people her own age too but he seems serious all that we wanna know is hes not a teacher anymore but is the age difference a bad thing?

@Morgan11Lynn
Well then it’s basically what they decide it to be. I don’t think it’s that significant but for someone my age 43, all jokes aside, I would be uncomfortable with it.

ok ur 43 so would you date a 36 years old?

@Morgan11Lynn That type of age difference after you are 30 is no big deal. I have dated guys 13 years younger and I am 52. I would not have done that in my 20’s. If he is no longer a teacher, it is a different story. If he were still a teacher, his job could be on the line.

I’m surprised no one has said yet that 25 is too old for an 18 year old. That’s what the question is about, not about the appropriateness of a student/substitute teacher relationship.

Anyway, the age gap is just a little staggering. A fresh high school graduate still has a lot to learn about life and the world. Even if she’s exceptionally mature, or the guy is immature, the two are just on different planets when it comes to their place in life. The 25 year old is done with schooling, has a career, and the 18 year old is only just starting college. One is an adult, and one is on the fringes of becoming a young adult. They are at completely different life stages. This doesn’t work, in my opinion. The 25 year old shouldn’t be looking to bang high school graduates, he should be getting ready to settle down and have a serious girlfriend who’s ready to make the same settlements as he is. Moving in together, starting a family, etc. I’m not saying this is a cookie-cutter life for everyone, it just is impractical for these 2 to be together.

For a guy to not be considered a “pedo” we use the rule half his age plus 7 lol

Yep, age may be just a number..but, the student/teacher thing is a breach of ethics.

Reminds me of that old 80’s song…‘don’t stand, don’t stand, don’t stand that close to me’ lol

@Morgan11Lynn
Definitely. No problem there.

Oh wow but there was my 20 year old Fluther Lover.…
shhh don’t tell

You’re right, age IS just a number… except when teachers and high school students are concerned. Clearly, you don’t know any better, but I would have hoped that HE would since he was the adult. It doesn’t really sound like anyone is an adult here. Even if your friend is 18, and an adult by law, he still should not be dating a student at the school he sometimes teaches at. Even at some colleges, there are rules against professors dating students, even though obviously everyone is of age. It’s a conflict of interest. I find it pretty unsettling that this guy is dating a high school student, I’m only sorry we can’t turn him in. No one who is reckless enough to carry on with a student needs to be in a position where he is teaching them.

If they weren’t teacher and student, it wouldn’t be a big deal. Later on, she might realize that he wasn’t the greatest guy for dating her when she was his student.

A lot of the time when students crush on their teachers, it’s really because they look up to them, want someone safe to talk to, or want a mentor. But our society is so sexual that in a way it’s a lot easier for a girl to admit she has the hots for a teacher than to say that she wants a mentor. If a girl says she has a crush on a teacher, she seems bold and mature for her age. If she says he helps her with her problems and gives great advice, she looks less independent for needing so much help. Also, feelings like admiration, respect, and trust can get all mixed up, so it feels like you have a crush when you really just look up to them. When you’re in high school, especially if you think you’re really mature, a teacher can be very magnetic.

When I was in high school, I had a huge crush on a teacher for almost two years and finally dated him. (He was a teacher in an advanced after-school program I was taking, not in my regular school.) Looking back, there were a lot of things that went into my crush that weren’t just about him. He was sensitive and interesting, but seriously, part of it was also daddy issues. My relationship with my parents sucked and I really needed a safe adult to talk to. Part of my crush on him was that I liked the attention from an older guy.

I could tell we were attracted to each other, so one day I asked him out and persuaded him that the risk would be worth it. Dating him was a great learning experience, but if he’d been a better guy he should have never said yes in the first place. The fact that he was willing to date me when I was 16 definitely tarnishes my memory of this guy. It makes me wonder what the hell was wrong with him. It’s natural for a teenager to have a crush on their teacher, because they’re mature, interesting, and have more freedom and experience. What does a teenager offer? Even if the student has the biggest crush in the world on their teacher, actually going through with it is a betrayal of their trust.

When two people are adults… Who should tell them what they should do together?

I think you are asking whether it is legit. I say yes.

Now, if you are asking about a success ratio then who can say? Humans are too different and complex to use age as the statistic cruncher for whether that pairing will be complementary.

The teacher/student thing is definitely something to worry about, but the age gap is alright. Its something I would never do personally but everyone is different. I just think that they are going to find a lot more obstacles in their relationship than they expect.

I’m not as concerned with the ages as I am the fact that he’s her teacher. That is very unethical. I hope her Dad kicks his ass.

@evandad

He’s a substitute teacher who’s probably taught her class once and doesn’t even work as a substitute teacher anymore and she’s an adult. Not the same thing as a full-time teacher screwing a 15-year-old after class, but I can see that’s the only thing people are thinking of when they see this question.

Normally, I’d say it doesn’t matter. The teacher/student relationship is a problem though.

However, I’d say make sure your friend is careful, at least as first. There are guys out there who like to take advantage of younger girls.

Age isn’t too bad.

Up to about 40, you can use the formula, Age = ½(your age) + 7 to determine more or less the younger end of your dating pool, and Age = 2(your age) – 7 to more or less determine the older end.

Now wait just a second Nullo, I want my GA back! In your formula, the younger folks get to pick the more choice elderly types, but the elderly types don’t have it quite as nice as evidenced in the following math!

29/2+7=21.5

18(2)-7=29

No GA back for you.
The formula was originally just the one to find the lower end of your range. I monkeyed with it to get the other end, setting your age as the lower end of the range and working backwards from there.
It is entirely possible that I made a mistake: math and I are not the best of friends.

If you do not like the formula, you are welcome to change it as you feel is appropriate. My words have only the authority that you give to them.

As a substitute, he’s allowed to turn down assignments. As long as he turns down the teachers she has, then I think it’s no big deal at all.

If, however, he accepts that assignment (subbing for a class she is in), then that is somewhat creepy and unethical.

I realize he may have subbed for her in the past; I’m talkin’ about the present.

But, they’re both over 18, so I think their mutual secret should be maintained.

And I think a 25 year old dating an 18 year old is fine and normal.

@Nullo I still like your formula!

If she doesn’t mind . What are you worried about . Go chasing her.

The fact that he is a teacher breaks confidences that parents put in teachers. You send your kid to school to learn not to date teachers. You expect they may crush on a teacher but rely on them not to be a possible predator. Young girls flirt and so do young boys but you desire teachers who will not take advantage of that and not see students as a possible dating pool. No, 25 is not a big deal especially if she is mature for her age but where do you draw a line for a teacher dating a student. Does he have to be 40, 35,30, 25, 21? What if she is really immature for her age and easily manipulated and that is why he chose her over other students? What if he’s dating several students.
This guy has already proven he can’t be trusted to control himself around minors. I wouldn’t trust this type of person ever. I hope she drops him and he gets found out.

It’s not only a question of age alone. It’s also LIFE STAGES. He is already post-college. She hasn’t even been.

If this interferes with her plans to go to college, that’s a serious problem for her future not his. If he later dumps her for someone younger, she has the catching up to do. He’s already in the job market with his education under his belt. Her quality of life will decline, not his.

Is he willing to accomodate her need for a college education or is he ok with her scuttling that just to be with him?

If they were both finished with their educations, the same age difference wouldn’t be nearly as meaningful. They would both be working a job and on a more level playing field. Number difference ALONE is NOT the issue.

And if she were coming to me for advice, I would point out to her that his eagerness to breach professional ethics to date her (last year) does not speak well for his judgement. He could have waited till she was of age and no longer a student. But he didn’t.

That’s not good judgement. He was the adult with the power in this situation. It was his responsibility and professional obligation to make it clear to her that nothing could be done until she was out of school.

If it’s TRUE LOVE then it would still be true love a year later. That’s the plain truth of the matter.

The other matter is that it’s obviously very selfish of him. And if she dropped any plans she may have developed during last year to pursue her education, even more selfish yet. Even if she’s got her eyes so filled with stars because of her crush and says she doesn’t want to go to college, he should insist that she do so. That would indicate love rather than selfishness.

If he doesn’t, then it just confirms how selfish he really is.

The part of the brain responsible for impulse control, realizing consequences, and long range planning isn’t finished growing in the part of the teenagers brain responsible for those critical thinking skills.

At his age it is, and the fact that he is ignoring it doesn’t reflect well on him.

The specific numbers are not really the issue. His willingness to ignore professional boundaries and his selfishness are. He certainly isn’t someone high on my list of candidates for the father of her future children.

But I doubt that’s enough to overcome her crush. But about five years down the road when that part of her brain matures she may well end up regretting being involved with a man this selfish and with such poor judgment.

Those years are difficult to reclaim later on.

My Niece dated her HS teacher and married him while still in High School. He lost his job. Fast forward about 8 years and three children, she found him in her bed with another woman. I’m sure these things aren’t 100% predictable, but…. I’d think some caution is in order. A man who dates someone underage can be immature, and certainly has shown himself to be willing to break conventions. Not necessarily a great prospect for a long and happy future.

Been there, done that, it doesn’t work for the long-term.

This age difference is perfectly acceptable.

Relationships don’t have to be a long term thing.

This is just a lifes experiencing. They may enjoy each others company, they may enjoy having sex together. It doesn’t mean that both will regret the relationship if it doesn’t work out in the long term.

The old rule I used to go on was half my age plus 7. That would mean the youngest I could go now would be 22.

If a friend of mine the same age as me was going out with an 18 year old I would think it was a bit odd because of the probable difference in maturity levels, but I would still congratulate him on his achievement (assuming they were having sex).

The substitute teacher should be reported to the school principal and the local school board.

I agree with @Buttonstc and @le_inferno (as well as several others who I forgot while reading through the thread), 7 years is not that big a difference if both people have a similar education level. However, when one person is fresh out of high school and the other has finished a bachelor’s degree (or higher), they are usually in different places in life. Right after I graduated college, I (briefly) considered a relationship with someone 12 years my senior. It wouldn’t have worked out because we were looking for different things – he wanted to settle down and have kids; I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but I certainly wasn’t ready for something like that.
The other issue is the power dynamic created by him being her teacher (even if only for a few days). When the older member of the relationship is in a position of power at the beginning of the relationship, it can be difficult to break out of that dynamic, and for a relationship to work, both people involved need to be on equal footing.

The age difference between someone 50-years-old and someone 57-years-old is meaningless. There really is no difference. There’s a gaping chasm, however, between a high school student and her adult teacher.

Wait until they graduate. I dated a 27 year old when I was 18. Just as long as everyone is cautious and mature about it all, everything should be fine.

@meagan Really, do men ever mature?

@DominicX You’re not getting the point here. Irregardless of whether the man is a full time teacher or not, he is a TEACHER, period. Therefore, he is in a position to influence young people, and has the trust of the parents and school board that he will not take advantage of that fact. Clearly, he is. It’s the principle of the situation, he has done something completely unethical, and if any of the parents or his coworkers found out, I guarantee you he would lose his job, and possibly his teaching license altogether.

@DominicX – I completely agree with @primigravida. The guy is using the situation like a Svengali to take advantage of the girl. The law doesn’t really matter here. He’s being a creep.

@primigravida

According to the OP’s follow-up posts, he doesn’t work as a substitute teacher anymore. And the other point I’m trying to make is that there are only a couple weeks of school left. Should they end the relationship now just because there’s a chance someone might find out over the next couple of weeks?

My concern isn’t the next couple of weeks, it’s the years after that. If the girl has no intention of pursuing a long-term relationship with the teacher, and can handle any possible indiscretions on his part, then she should probably go for it. He has already proven himself to be indiscrete and she might assume that this won’t change.

The teacher is not doing anything wrong. The female in question is 18 years old so she should be allowed to straddle him if she likes without any wrong doing on his part. The girl has reached adulthood so has to be expected to be capable of making any such decision herself.

In D.C., the age of sexual consent is 16. This doesn’t mean that it’s perfectly ok for a grown person to have sexual relations with a 16-year-old. How many ways can we spell “creepy” and “inappropriate”?

At 18 she is adult. At 16 she is not. Besides older guy may be able to teach her a few tricks that a younger guy wouldn’t have the experience of. He could continue to be her teacher, but in a new role.

Besides older guy may be able to teach her a few tricks that a younger guy wouldn’t have the experience of. He could continue to be her teacher, but in a new role.

I just took a nice, long shower. After reading these sentences, I feel as if I need another shower, but this time with ammonia and a steel wool pad.

I agree completely with @Buttonstc. Call me old-fashioned, but I think a 25 year-old man is too old for an 18-year old girl. I’m not saying it would never ever work but I would be extremely wary. She has a lot to lose.

Maybe I’m just a bit old-fashioned, but I do think that is a bit too much of an age difference. But then again, these days it isn’t so unusual. I agree that sometimes age really is just a number, especially with men. I don’t mean to discriminate. Trust me, I love my man :) But some older men are just as immature as the ones you grew up with. I guess it just depends on the two people. Sure people can say it’s right or wrong, but it’s perfectly legal, and if they really like each other they should go for it :)

Yes, it’s too much of an age difference. It’s not just a number when you’re that young. A 25 year old is at a completely different maturity level than an 18 year old, and that is something you won’t understand until you’re older (sorry to sound old fashioned, but it’s true). It’s likely the 25 year old will want his 18 year old girlfriend to participate in activities he is perfectly able to do legally (like drinking, clubbing, etc), but the 18-year-old will not.

It’s okay to go for an older man, but… Until she’s over 25 herself, try to stick to an age range of 3 years or so.

Just for reference, my sister dated a 24 year old when she was 16. They were together for 3 years. Because of him, my sister started smoking weed and drinking, sneaking out at night, and she lost many friends her own age. Oh, yeah, and two months after they broke up he tried to kill her. So yeah, I have reasons behind my opinions.

@chyna They do eventually. With age I suppose.

@beautifulbobby193
I’m sure she can handle the straddling ok but it’s the fall from the horse that she might not be ready for.

@DominicX I REALLY suggest you reread my post. It is entirely irrelevant if that boy is a teacher at the current time. What IS relevant is that he completely abused his power as a teacher and the trust of the people who put him in that position, and it absolutely does not matter ONE BIT that there was only a few weeks left in the school year. Even if he had only one day left as a teacher, he is STILL a teacher, and needs to remember that. Unethical, is unethical. If you cannot understand this, I really don’t see any sense in wasting my time or yours trying to explain it.

@beautifulbobby193 So you’re saying that you would be perfectly happy if your 18 year old daughter came home from high school and introduced you to her new boyfriend, the math teacher? Wouldn’t you feel the least bit violated that the teacher ignore what are probably rules set by the school that forbid this? There is a REASON this sort of thing is frowned upon in school systems and that teachers get fired over it, don’t you think?

@primigravida

You’re trying to make an absolute argument. You’re making an argument from emotion and not looking at the individual circumstances.

Again: He’s a substitute teacher who no longer works as a substitute teacher. He has nothing to get fired from. He’s not a substitute teacher anymore. Try reading the follow-up comments posted by the OP. He works at a damn radio station.

@DominicX

oi. Let me ask you something. If this got out, and the school boards knew, do you believe this guy would ever be hired as a sub ever again? No. Do you understand why? What he did was WRONG and it DOES NOT MATTER if he is no longer a teacher. He did this WHILE he WAS a teacher. You are completely missing the point and I am tired of reiterating something you are just not getting.

I DID read the follow up comments, and to be honest those posts make the whole situation seem fishy. Like now the OP is lying and pretending like he’s no longer a teacher, once she saw how much people were disagreeing with the situation. of course I cannot prove that to be the case, I’m just saying that’s how it appeared to me. And again, I ask you, read MY posts, and try to figure out the point I am trying to drive here. Many others have understood, why can’t you?

Oh, and my argument is hardly based on emotion. It’s based on pure right and wrong. Teachers in a high school setting have no business dating their students, which is precisely why they are usually forbidden from doing it.

@primigravida

I really don’t care enough about this to continue. They’re both adults and they can continue the relationship if they want to, regardless (not “irregardless”) of how “unethical” anyone thinks it is.

And that’s the convenient thing about an “it’s unethical” argument. You don’t have to explain why it’s unethical, you just say “it just is” and the argument is over, without any atttention paid to the individual circumstances of an adult who is leaving high school dating a radio-station employee.

I am looking at this from the perspective of the relationship itself.

To me the age difference isn’t that great. The real problem is that when someone is in a position of authority over you it changes things, however a teacher is there to teach not to date the students.

I wouldn’t see any problems if both of you met at a place where you were both employed, at a club or somewhere else.

There are many cases of older women teachers dating/sleeping with their male students i’ve been reading about as well and it definitely seems men are looked at in a worse way than women for doing this.

@DominicX – I’m glad to hear he’s not teaching anymore. All male teachers must be able to deal with the crush/admiration that naturally happens in the classroom. Your guy failed in that. He should not be put in a similar job situation again. I’m quite sure he prove to have no character, repeatedly.

To me it is, but to some people they like dating older men because it gives them a sense of comfort.

They shouldn’t be dating at all until she graduates. For a teacher he isn’t very smart. He should know you don’t shit where you eat. What does the mental midget teach? After she graduates I think it’s okay, with any luck at all they will not get caught before she graduates. I know if I were the parent of this girl and I got wind of it I’d raise hell all over the school. There is more at play in this situation than their ages.

@DominicX
You make a good point…as you often do. It’s not just blanket wrong although it’s hard for me to imagine any compatibility. But, who’s to judge.