Did you give up your friends of the opposite sex when you got married?

GQ! Some of them – but more after the divorce.

It completely depends on the people in the relationship. I would not ask my husband to give up any of his friends. There was one female friend (really the wife of one of his best friends) that I had an issue with, due to something in particular she said about me. We discussed it, but I never asked him to stop being her friend or being around her. He did cut back some of his contact with her because of the fact that she hurt me. His friend ended up getting divorced shortly after, so it doesn’t even matter anymore. My husband has also never asked me to give up a male friend. I had one male friend that would constantly put little ideas in my head when my husband and I were dating. I made the choice to stop talking to him on my own because he was causing problems in my relationship. I still have other male friends and my husband still has female friends. Neither one of us would do anything to disrespect the other and we both agree that our friends should respect our relationship (male or female).

Some people are okay with their SO’s having friends of the opposite sex while other’s are not. It is definitely something people should talk about while dating so that they know where each person stands on the issue.

No, I gave up no friends because of my marriage – I consider that to be an idiotic thing to do, no matter the gender of the friends in question (and since I’m queer and into all sexes and genders, I’d have to give them all up as potentially, I’m having impure thoughts about everyone) but especially if your partner is insecure – one’s marriage shouldn’t start off in this way. And my best friend is of the opposite sex – my partner (s) always knew he was the single most important person to me and that if they were to marry me, they’d be his equal and not above him.

If there are people who are detrimental to my marriage (beyond the two of us) then they should be dealt with on an individual basis and not based on their gender. What if my best friend was male and would do anything to support my health and my marriage? Why should he have to pay for what other people, in other marriages, might do?

If I want to get laid I will probably go to the bar and hook-up with someone that is drunk and doesn’t know my real name. Basically, if you are going to cheat nothing can stop that.

I kept them for a while but we all eventually eventually faded away due to marriages, children, jobs, and maturity.
They would be the first ones I’d call if I ever wanted to remarry.

I had friends of the opposite sex who distanced themselves from me after they or I got married, and it seemed sad to me but I never brought it up. I felt it was best left alone, and perhaps those friendships hadn’t been as strong as I thought in the first place. I accept it, as I know how tricky the dynamics of marriage and long term relationships can be.

As for myself, I would never actively seek to “drop” someone for that reason. If I ever had any feelings other than friendship for anyone of my existing pals, we would have/have acted on them long ago! If I ever have feelings of those kind for a new friend, I shall just ignore them (or indulge in some harmless flirting).

No, I didn’t give up male friends because I got married, but I would say the only ones that really stuck were the men that really get along with my husband also. The thing is by the time I met my husband, I was 23, male friends were fewer and far between. Female friends took up most of my time, and were who I really leaned on, so it was not much of an issue. I have been married 17 years and I am still in touch with some male friends, but we probably communicate only a few times a year to catch up, and we get together on rare occasion. I developed a male friendship during the time of my marriage, we live in different cities now, my husband and I just saw him last week while we were on vacation. I love spending time with him, he is smart, interesting, successful, and one of the most giving pople I know, but he is not someone I would go to with a personal problem.

I agree it is important that the couple agree what is ok for them as a couple.

“Every couple has the right to decide what’s best for THEM.”

Exactly.

I’ve found the key to be making sure you decide together (sounds obvious, but I can’t even guess at how many people I’ve known who somehow manage to forget that part) with openness and clear communication.

For us, we each still have friends of the opposite sex. In fact, my closest and dearest friends are all of the opposite sex. This was an issue that we addressed early on after we started dating and haven’t needed to look back since (not to imply it didn’t take some time, it did). As with many things in a relationship, it comes down to trust, communication, and understanding.

No – but many of them were also my wife’s friends – so that made it easy.

There was only one female friend from college I abandoned for my wife. As she kept offering to sleep with me, my wife had a valid point.

My Vicky and I kept most of our friends of the opposite sex when we got married. The deciding factors on who to hang onto and who to let go seem to have been:

* Were you ever intimate with the other person? Let them go.
* Do they live relatively close? Let them go.
* Do they live relatively close to family whom you visit? Let them go.

Other than that, I can’t think of any limiting factors.

No.They are my friends!

No, my husband and I did not give up friends of the opposite sex. We talk openly about those relationships, though, and we know each other’s friends. Sometimes we all do things together.

We don’t go out one-on-one a lot.

Each couple is different and is governed by a different set of “rules and regulations”, they both agree with. its okay to have friends of the opposite sex. just as long as there is nothing more than conversation with each other. just because a man or woman has friends of the oppositie sex, does not mean they are girlfriends or boyfriends. they are friends and thats it. after 44 years of marriage, wife and i have lived by “our set of rules and regulations” very successfully. we know that to “cross the line” would be detrimental to our marriage.

Life is what you make it and so is your marriage. you work at making marriage work. its kind of like a second job.

Like most people said, couples have to decide for themselves.

That said – I tended to drift away from all friends, of both genders, when I got married. It wasn’t a purposeful decision, it just sort of happened. I already had my best friend with me ;), and I found that was enough, most of the time. I do keep in touch with some of my old friends on Facebook and such, but I don’t really hang out with them anymore (and when I do, it’s usually a spouses-included event). It’s not gender-based, though, and heck, most of my guy friends are gay anyway.

I think there’s a reason that spouses/lovers/boy-girlfriends are called “more than friends” (as in, “I don’t want to be just your friend”) – it’s because you do with them things that you probably don’t to with “just” friends. There’s a line in the sand there. And if you’re going to cross it with a friend, chances are, they’re not a “just a friend” anyway, and that would be off limits.

I’ve been having talks with my husband about this. In my mind, I’m totally fine with all the women he knew prior to me, but once we got married…developing certain relationships with other women makes me uncomfortable. I don’t mind work friends, but when it spills into the rest of your life…that just bugs me.
Neither one of us gave up anyone. I still talked and do talk to my exes, and he does too (well, he didn’t at first..but that took time on their part)

Friends are friends, regardless of whether I’m going to be married or not.

Can I ask a question of those who did give up friends because they married? Were you friends with those people ‘just in case’, meaning you were friends with benefits, or weren’t really friends or what?

The friend that I got rid of was causing problems with my relationship. He was one of my best friends before I met my husband. He was attracted to me and wanted more, but I never was attracted to him. We were never going to be more than friends and he knew that. When my husband and I first started dating, he was still being a really good friend. Then when things started getting serious (talking about marriage and moving away), he started saying little things like “he’s only saying that because ______” or “he’s lying” or “that’ll never happen”. Things that caused me to question my husband and upset him. When I finally told him where the thoughts were coming from he was upset. I talked to my friend about it and he admitted he was trying to break us up because he didn’t want me to move away and he was still hoping I would change my mind about us. That was the end of the friendship for me because he didn’t respect the relationship I was in with my husband.

@Seaofclouds Yeah, clearly he was not a good friend. But, in this case, he was the one that instigated this chain of events because you were getting married – it’s not like you decided to drop him because you were getting married.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Right. I just figured I’d explain it. :)

@Seaofclouds thanks!

When I got married then I did cut ties with most male acquaintances who had been lovers or potential lovers. I did keep one friend who was also a former lover and he became a friend to my then husband as well. Playing it by ear is best, weighing the extent of the “friendship” against any awkward feelings your spouse might feel.

Opposite sex friends or acquaintances whose main character is party pal usually weed themselves out of the picture once others become coupled. It’s like I’ve asked my bf before, “is so-and-so the kind of friend you’d invite into our home along with other friends for a dinner where any of our parents might also be present? No? Okay then.” That’s my personal filter- if you can’t hang with my family or longterm friends present then you’re out.

“I also don’t think it’s a big deal with a boyfriend or girlfriend. There’s no commitment there and you’re free to do whatever.”

There is commitment if two people dating have agreed to it. Just because you’re not legally entangled does not mean you are not committed. I agree everyone is entitled to their own beliefs here, and maybe yours and mine do not agree, and that’s fine. I just wanted to point out that this is not a universal truth.

“Every couple has the right to decide what’s best for THEM.”

Exactly.

“They would be the first ones I’d call if I ever wanted to remarry.”—@worriedguy

A good reason why you’d want to – or be expected to – stop talking to your friends of the oppo. sex when you commit to someone.

However, I know it is possible for women to be truly platonic with men. I have yet to meet a dude that can do this, though…they always want more.

When Rick and I started going out, both of us were deeply convinced that we’d somehow attracted the one most fabulous human being ever built.
Therefore we were each very wary of any other man/woman approaching me/him for a few months or so. Then we figured out that since there was no one who thought as highly of either of us as each other, we were safe; and after that neither of us ever worried about either a) old friends b) old lovers c) new friends or d) people who stupidly and blindly came on to either of us. Oh wait. I forgot about two men I had crushes on. Rick said about each one, “Oh that guy. He’s an artist. YOU’RE an artist. Spend more time in the studio. You’re not interested in him – you just miss yourself.”

If you consider the traditional constraints of marriage applicable, then it is probably a good idea to avoid the opposite sex; however, the idea of one man and one woman remaining together in perpetuity definitely creates some logical dissonance for me.

I have friends that I would never give up for anyone. The same goes for my friends though in that I wouldn’t give up my husband for my friends just as I refuse to give up any of my male or female friends for my husband. That thought is just ridiculous to me. As the relationship progresses there is supposed to be more and more trust built, by the time 2 get married they should trust each other 100% and that seems backward to have so little trust at the time of marriage that that is when you ask each other to give up friends of the opposite sex. If my husband asked me to give up a friend just because he was a male there would be some big problems, bu the would never do that. We have talked about that. I am also allowed to make new friends of either sex as I please, just as he can make new female friends or male friends also. We love and trust each other enough to not get jealous about this stuff.

My friends of the opposite sex were also friends of my husbands, so no. I never did things with them without my husband, though.

Thread meta: we mostly sound pretty fearful (except for of course Simone). Purdah for everyone would hardly make a dent in this crew.

It certainly reduces the chances of screwing up your marriage with one of ‘em.

Best is to see if they can be your spouse’s friends as well.

No, of course not.

@susanc “Oh that guy. He’s an artist. YOU’RE an artist. Spend more time in the studio. You’re not interested in him – you just miss yourself.”

Brilliant. That opened up a whole new room in my brain. Thanks for sharing that.