Should we automatically care for our parents in old age?

I would never place my parents in a nursing home. i have seen so many cases of neglect.

I am currently taking care of my 92 year old mother. she needs a lot of attention and my wife is feeling some jealousy, because of this. this is one of the problems that children of elderly parents face. i made a promise to never put my mother in a nursing home. this is a promise i may regret, somewhere down the road.

To answer your question, yes, i definetely think its an obligation for children to take care of their elderly parents. some children avoid this situation by moving out of the country or 3,000 miles away from home. this is a shame. when my mother-in-law could not take care of herself, instead of a nursing home, we took her into our home and took care of her until she passed away.

Wife and i feel this is only the correct move to make with elderly parents.

@john65pennington So does your mum actually live with you? Who does most of the caring? Is your wife feeling somewhat neglected?

Yes, we should care for our parents. I think people could do the nursing home thing if the parent had a medical condition with which the kids couldn’t cope properly, but a visiting nurse may be a good alternative.

Sorry, i should have explained more. my mother lives alone in her home. she is intelligent, witty and she cooks for herself. she is in a wheelchair because of an ealier hip replacement. i take her to the doctor, go to the store for her, refill her prescriptions, and sometimes do light housework to keep things clean. my wife now feels that she is No. 2, instead of No. 1. this is not true, by any means. my mother just requires a lot of attention, the same attention we gave her mother before the died.

@john65pennington Wow I admire your mum – and you of course. To be living on her own at 92 is something else. Good for her. I am sure without your help she would, out of necessity, have to rely on the care system. You should be really proud of your caring nature. Does your wife help at all? Perhaps if she was included she wouldn’t feel like No. 2. Thanks for your answer. I am sure your mum must be really proud of you!

I think family members should take care of each other as much as possible. It isn’t always possible to personally do it, but at the very least, we should involve ourselves to see that our family is taken care of as they age. I am referring to family members in every aspect of family; blood alone is not enough to infer responsibility.

I am a proponent of family caring for family. It just seems like the right thing to do. Nursing homes should be for the exceptions and not the rule. Having said that, there are times when a parent, who was abusive, needs family home care and family members wrestle with doing the ‘right thing’.

I think that family members who suffered mightily at the hand of someone now needing that type of help, shouldn’t feel obligated. Unless you care for someone with a free and loving heart, it’s not good for either of you.

I helped with my 99-year old grandfather…something I’ll always be proud of. He was one of the kindest, gentlest human beings to ever grace this planet. I still miss him so.

I think we should take care of our parents, but “care facilities” are not totally out of question. It depends on the circumstances. Facilities that have independent living, but also have medical professionals on site can be a good place for elderly people who are beginning to have some physical and mental problems. They many times have social programs, and other conveniences. Especially if the adult children live in small apartments and are unable to take in their parents realistically. However, most people would prefer to stay in their own homes. If this is possible with at-home care hired to help out, I think this is the ideal for everybody, especially if it is important to the elderly person to stay in their home.

If the children do not live nearby this is another thing that has to be considered. Do you move your parent to where you live? Or, try to get care for them where they live?

Mostly, I would want to honor the wishes of my parents. Some parents don’t want to feel a burden to their family. Some parents feel moving in with their children is losing their independence. Some parents expect to move in with their children. Some can’t bare the thought of leaving their own home. I think it is important to know what your own parents prefer.

My grandfather was in a nursing home for 20 years (my dad and his siblings were barely past 20 at the time and with my grandfather’s 2 strokes it was the only option because of finances and his medical fragility). Let’s just say they are ugly, ugly places. Luckily my aunt had the resources to have my grandma come live with her when she was diagnosed with alzheimer’s.

I would avoid putting my parents inn nursing home, we haven’t had the best relationship but unless there are serious issues (abuse, etc) I think being cared for by people who deeply know you is much preferable.

At my grandpa’s nursing home, he a mild-mannered man who was cognitively all there even thouugh he couldn’t speak was in the same unit with people with dementia who would be very agressive. His room was only about the size of my college dorm. A lot of the patients rarely had visitors.

Yes some care facilities are good quality, but these can be really expensive, and my grandpa never had a lot of money. Bad ones far outnumber the good ones. I think how we treat the elderly (especially those dependant) in this country is pretty terrible.

MissA, you will receive your stars in heaven for helping your grandfather.

I agree with what @MissA said.

I think we should care for our parents in some way. How and to what extent depends on many factors including their wishes, the nature of their health and your financial ability.

My mother has not contacted me since my father died two years ago. She is in her sixties and is a chain smoker. I’m curious if she will contact me and/or accept help from me when she gets ill.

@Trillian Yes I suppose there will always be circumstances when there is no other alternative but to seek nursing care.
@perspicacious Do you mean caring for in-laws as well?
@JLeslie Yes we do also have to take their wishes into account, while doing what we think is best for them. Never thought about if they lived away from us. Much to consider. Many thanks
@hug_of_war Yes I have heard of many many horror stories about care homes. But what is the alternative if they have a medical condition?
@MissA Aw such a lovely answer. I am sure your grandfather knew you cared so much @cprevite Did you have an argument with your mum? Would you wish to have contact with her? She won’t be around forever you know.

@john65pennington Thanks, John. and yes, @cprevite and, to @partyparty I’m sure he did.

It may sound corny, but I feel as though I was the benefactor of the care. He was a joy to be around my whole life. He led by example. You wanted to do anything…just to be around him. There was no effort involved, on my part.

I think we should take care of our parents as much as we are able to. If there comes a point in time where we can not care for them, I don’t see a problem with nursing homes as long as you thoroughly look into them. There are some really shady ones, but there are also some really nice ones. We would care for either of our parents if they needed it.

There have been some very well-thought out and sensitively given answers in this thread.

In answer to your question, should we automatically care for our parents in old age, I would say yes, of course. But I think there are a number of ways which that care can manifest itself, and not all of those options involve taking your adult parent into your own home. Sometimes residential care can be the best option, and I think it can be terrible for the adult children who are sometimes made to feel guilty by the more quick-to-judge members of society, who assume that placing the parent in a care home means they don’t care themselves, or couldn’t be bothered to make space in their own lives for that parent at their time of need. I don’t deny that this may be true for some people (sadly), but I believe that for the majority of people who have positive relationships with their parents, making the decision to place a parent in a residential care home is absolutely harrowing, done as a last resort, and done with love for that parent, and keeping their best interests in mind. In some cases, as others have said, for some people and in some situations, it is the most caring, dignified and kind solution. As @JLeslie said, I think it is of the utmost importance to consider everybody’s wishes in this situation.

I am the granddaughter to several grandparents (one pair are aged 93 and 91, and the other grandmother is 89). My 89-year-old grandmother who lives alone, in the last 15 years, has suffered the sudden death of my grandfather, knee replacements, a hip replacement, a severely broken thigh bone, cancer of the tongue (her tongue was replaced with part of her forearm, which was replaced with some tissue from her leg, and whilst she is cancer-free now, she cannot eat solid foods or taste food properly), severe arthritis, osteoporosis, vision problems, and now, some early signs of dementia (intially calling family members by the wrong names, but now, forgetting conversations and having them repeatedly, etc).

She chooses to live alone (although she has a hot meal delivered to her daily) and is housebound (she requires the help of others to get out and about). A few years ago my uncle and father were looking into care homes for my granny, but they didn’t find anything that met their requirements. I honestly believe that a residential home of high quality, that allowed her to live with dignity, freedom and peace of mind would be the kindest thing for her, as I think the increased social interaction would benefit her, and knowing that people were on hand to help 24-hours would really improve her confidence to try things – she is currently (understandably) very nervous about her mobility. She lives on the other side of the country from my father, and whilst we try to have her to stay regularly, it would just not work for anyone if she lived with him full-time – there are a huge number of practical reasons that would inhibit this that I won’t bore anyone with. Having said that, I think the biggest reason for her not coming to live with us is that she simply wouldn’t want it. I know she would hate to think that the youngest members of her family were putting their lives on hold, or giving things up for her comfort, even if we told her this wasn’t the case. So we do what we can to support her as best we can, even though it doesn’t involve having her come and live with my father.

I think everyone should take care of their parents to the best of their abilities. My grandmother showed us the way in how she cared for her dad and I plan on doing the same for my parents.

I would’ve taken care of them had they lived to need it…I used to tell my mother she was going straight to the home if she didn’t straighten up and fly right ;)))

@reverie Oh what a beautiful answer. I feel quite choked! Yes I think in certain circumstances nursing care is the best solution.
@Cruiser So you are following on by example from your grandparent. Lovely answer thanks

@partyparty Yes, if you are married, you and your husband should feel responsibility for both your own and his parents and other family members. That’s the way I feel about it; not everyone feels this way.

My mother has already informed the family that she won’t be taking her mom into her home and taking care of her. They can’t stand being around each other for more than an hour. Nobody can really deal with my grandmother for over an hour. So either another family member will have to take her in or she’ll be sent to a care facility. It might seem selfish of my mother to treat her mom like this, but I completely understand where she’s coming from. I’m not sure that I could take my mom into my home when she’s too old to care for herself either. If she was able to live on her own, of course I’d stop over all the time and run errands for her, etc. But to actually have her living under my roof…I just can’t see that bring pleasant for anyone. Sometimes nursing homes are the better option.

Everyone’s situation is different. I’d never want any of my eldery relatives to end up in nursing homes and the such but certain independent living facilities are pretty great. I don’t think they’re for my family members and when they’ll need me to take care of them, they will move in with me but at this point in my life, I feel justified in leaving them so that all of our relations will be for the better and my family will have their own place (my husband and kids).

@ItalianPrincess1217 You’ve been brutally honest.

@lucillelucillelucille Oh… you are so naughty LOLL
@ItalianPrincess1217 Well I am sure you have your reasons. Thanks for being honest.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir Yes I suppose everyone has different situations, and different ways of dealing with this kind of issue. Many thanks for your answer :-)

There seem to be many adult children who are estranged from their parents, so they wouldn’t be taking care of them. In most cases, when you grow up in a loving family, it’s not really a question of should you, but how can you make it happen. My father had the foresight to purchase 100% care insurance, so his final days in the hospital were his own choice and completely paid for.

My Father-In-Law had in home care paid for through the Veteran’s Administration, and after he passed on, Mom continues to have the in home care worker come in twice a week and pays out of the life insurance policy he had.

We bought a rental house for my sons family, and his Mother-In-Law and her mother are living with them. We are having French Doors and a handicap ramp installed for them in the bedroom they share.

@partyparty: No, my mother and I did not have an argument. She is a difficult person who lies as easily as she breaths, manipulates those she loves, and possess a volatile temper. Were she not my mother, I would have had nothing to do with her long ago. But that and the wishes of my father kept me (mostly) silent all my life. When he died, my mother and I had many discussions about our relationship. I agreed to carry on with her so long as she acted appropriately. She said she had no intention to change and I could “take it or leave it.” I told her she knew where to find me should she change her mind and pulled away. I haven’t heard from her since.

I feel to an extent, yes. Provided they don’t have Alzheimers then I feel anyone who cares for you some years should have the minimum of those years in care from you if you’re able.

I was already living out of state when each of my parents died. My dad passed first, and he lived at home until he went to the hospital and died there. He had had a lung removed due to cancer, and survived another two years. I was able to take an extended several-month vacation and help him finish some of his many projects around the house, and we caught up on a lot of adult father-son time. It was difficult for my mother, but she had the support of four of our siblings who lived nearby, and many grandchildren. After Dad passed, Mom sold the house and moved into a nice assisted-living facility, where her next-door neighbor was her sister. It was totally her choice, and the two ladies were very close, and many of their lif-long friends were in the same building.

I’m experiencing a phenomena in my family lately. My mother’s generation of relatives are in their 50’s and 60’s and have begun reaching out to one another to reconnect sometimes for the first time since early childhood. This has mean some wonderful meetings and new friendships along with talks of a few of them agreeing to be together when they start ailing or don’t want to live single any longer. The idea is for them to not feel going to a care home is the end of the line.

@Neizvestnaya My college friends and I talk about being the Golden Girls in our old age and hanging out together like we did in the dorms. I wish I could do it now.

@JLeslie
There was a time when several of us couples friends were living together in the same apartments and then condos. We were shopping together, fixing meals together, entertaining together, taking trips together, carpooling to work, etc. It’s been a spot in my mind to get a decent property with a few homes on it and gather the couples together to share resources as we once did so we could all maximize our free time together.

@Neizvestnaya Husbands are invited to our commune :). I have fantasies of a condo building in FL…and then I switch to cottages on 20 acres with a central “rec” center where we can have meals together, tennis court, and a pool out back. One of my close girlfriends wants to buy an island LOL.

@YARNLADY Yes it would seem there was lots of forward planning to care for your family. A wise decision.
@Neizvestnaya Yes it is always difficult for family members if a parent has Alzheimers or a similar condition. The kindest decision has to be a care facility don’t you think?
@Yetanotheruser Aw that is lovely. To live so close to a family member has to be a win win situation. Good idea that the family are making plans for the future. Thanks

@partyparty
With my grandfather we resisted a care facility up unto the point he was becoming dangerous to himself and getting out from our control. It was very sad because he lasted barely a year away from us and made a point of refusing food and sneaking pills from other patients. We were amazed how he found breaks in his dementia to do some very focused and determined things to end his life.

@Neizvestnaya That is so very sad. Thanks for sharing it.