Stopping obsessive thoughts about fiances past lovers?

Welcome to Fluther. Have you had past lovers? Do you feel that your fiance has visions of you with them?

First, you have to recognize that this is about you, not your fiance. It is a self-esteem issue. You should consider getting counseling. It is not as easy as just turning the thoughts and images off.

Meanwhile, every time they start, tell yourself that your fiance chose you, loves you, and wants to be with you. Substitute thoughts of you and your fiance making love in new and creative ways.

The most important thing you need to do is not let your corrosive feelings leak out onto your fiance. If you don’t take care of this, you will wind up ruining the relationship.

Thank you MarineLife.

My predicament is this—I see a counsellor about it and practice the very methods you suggest. I am careful to not eek out onto her.

It helps to read, via another thread, that I am not alone and I have enjoyed the other thoughts. I am considering attempting hypnotherapy.

With my husbands past I would just remember one thing. His past relationships didn’t work so that is why he is no longer with them. Whether the sex was one way or the other isn’t the point. Sex is something that can always be improved upon and when there are deep emotions that go both ways than the sex is extra ordinary because you both aim to please each other unselfishly.
A persons real trial in any relationship isn’t the past but rather the now. Unless he lives in his past than you have no obstacle but yourself.
Hes not with them because it didn’t work. You should concentrate your efforts on making today work.
The past is the past, you cannot change it.
The future isn’t here yet and is never promised.
Today is all you got, so work with that.

Did you join Fluther just to ask this question? There could be things in his past that should concern you. But, it seems to me, what you are obsessing about will drive you crazy. If you cannot let this part of his past be just that, don’t marry.

If you do not learn to accept people for who they are, then your fiance will one day leave you for being so obsessive, and eventually, controlling.

Do you love your fiance? If so, then know that they are the culmination of everything they have experienced. Every one of those experiences has contributed to who they are as a person. If you love that person, then you should accept every one of those experiences, and be grateful to them for having made the person into who they are today… that being, the person you supposedly love.

But love is a funny concept. Quite often people misunderstand it, and use it synonymously with “control”. When some people say they “love” a person, what they really mean is that they want to “control” that person. If you cannot accept your fiance for who they are, then your motivation is not to “love”. Your motivation is to “control”.

Nothing good will come of this. You have some work to do on yourself. Consider that instead of concentrating on being with the right person, that you may be better off first attempting to become the right person yourself.

Learn to accept, and you will know love and life.

Insist upon control, and you will know spite and death.

I do think hypnotherapy may help.

I want to thank everyone for giving there thoughts. I am taking them all into consideration as I attempt to thwart this silliness with a real understanding of acceptance and love. Thanks again.

As a related side note, I think our culture has so many “standards” about sex and what it means to true love as well as a person’s “purity” that it makes it difficult for an albeit intelligent and best-intentioned person to see it as simply part of the person’s journey. That is my thought for today.

That’s a great plan @SamG

I do the same thing. I obsess over my husbands past all of the time. He recently checked my facebook page so I checked his email and found emails from an old girlfriend and I obsessed about it for weeks. I still think about it at times. Its so unhealthy but its like my mind takes control of me and I think the thoughts over and over again. I add things to them too. Like I make stuff up and I believe it. It all seems to fall into place in my mind and then I believe that this made up fantasy is reality. Its so dysfunctional. I am waiting for my insurance to kick in so I can go back to therapy. I also take Geodon but I am coming off that because I get insomnia from it and other side effects so I am starting depakote. Then my DR said he will put me on something for my obsessive thoughts once I get used to the depakote. I hope something works because its ruining my relationship.