How do you deal with maternal/paternal issues? (details inside)

For me it comforted me to know that all of my friends went though some sort of crazy dysfunctional shit in their families also. Keeping things in perspective, not dwelling on the bad times, and realizing most of the times were good, and that everyone had good intentions, even when they caused other people pain. The people who I know who are drenched in hate and anger about their childhoods (barring any really hidious circumstances) feel jipped, like they were given a raw deal in the parent department and everyone else had it better. Also, just getting older, most people start to understand that life is hard, adult decisions are difficult, no one is perfect, and that we want to be forgiven ourselves when we make a mistake. Also, getting to know what my parent’s childhoods were like, how they were thinking during certain events in my childhood, their perspective, helps. Understanding them brings understanding overall.

Forgiveness and acceptance are often listed as the key to accepting what was and moving forward. What they neglect to say is that the critical part of this is that the wrongs be acknowledged.

If you were treated poorly by your family it is critical that they acknowledge how this made you feel. If they don’t acknowledge that, despite what they call their best efforts, they fell short of the mark and harmed you then to forgive them without buried resentment is nearly impossible.

It is the attempt to leapfrog to acceptance and forgiveness without the issue ever being acknowledged that creates that not so fresh feeling of selling yourself short to keep the peace.

I think we want to move away from the uncomfortable feeling of being at odds with our loved one’s so much that we tend to try and bury or shove away what are, in many cases, appropriate feelings of resentment and anger.

I’m a believer that you must feel all the feelings the experience created in you, be able to share them honestly (not hatefully) and to move through them in order to truly put the past behind you.

Sometimes you just can’t maintain the relationship. I tried to maintain a relationship with a family member for years, but eventually I realized that I can’t do it on my own. If they don’t have an interest in maintaining a relationship too, it won’t happen.

@stardust I wonder if you care to elaborate on the things from childhood that bother you? And, how old you are?

I was raised to be a bigot, putting people in pigeonholes based on their color, religion, dress, speech, sex, etc.

I got over it after I seen for myself how wrong my parents were.

@Merriment
You made some very good points. I know that the key in some instances is for the wrong to be acknowledged, but in some cases that just doesn’t or can’t happen.

In my case, in order to deal with and get past certain childhood issues, I have found that it helped to strive to understand the reasons for the behaviors. In other words, learning what might have caused the parent to behave in a particular manner can allow a person to let go of the anger.

I’m aware of circumstances where the parent has mental health issues, which might have stemmed from severe neglect and abandonment. Knowing this, the abused person has been able to let go of the anguish, and the concern that the abuse may have been caused by some lack in themselves. Not that there has developed a warm and nurturing relationship, but the “victim” of the abuse is no longer suffering from it as they did prior to achieving understanding of the probable causes. Sometimes that’s all we are going to get in this life.

I know that it’s not impossible to forgive someone without their owning the guilt, because I’ve done it, and so have others I know who have suffered more severely than I did. As has been stated many times here, the anger is crippling to the abused, so with resolution of that anger comes relief and peace.

@Merriment Tank you. This is part of the problem. There’s no acknowledgement and it’s something I feel I have to reach closure on myself, without the involvement of either parent. I’m trying to feel the feelings, but there is that urge to escape. It does make me hopeful that I can move past this, without resenting either of them, so thanks again.

@JLeslie I agree with a lot you’ve said. I know some people who have a chip on their shoulder due to their upbringing and feeling like they got the raw end of the deal. I know this isn’t helpful and ultimately they’re only bringing further pain on themselves. Everyone I know grew up with some level of dysfunction – that’s families. It’s frustrating for me too that I understand that both of my parents had extremely tough childhood’s, yet I cannot seem to reach the point of forgiveness. However, after reading @Merriment ‘s reply, I can understand that more clearly.
I’m working through issues I have with both parents around abuse and neglect. I’m feeling resentful about the lack of physical, but more importantly emotional lack of security. I know I haven’t elaborated hugely there, but maybe it helps? I’m in my mid 20’s and I am seeing a wonderful therapist & making good progress.

@eden2eve Thank you. This is so very helpful. I’m going to work on that more. I certainly want that peace.

@stardust I think it is very normal in your twenties to be pondering things like this. Working them through now is a worthwhile cause. I would say most of my friends by their 30’s were able to reach a place where they were forgiving and understanding of their parents. Some of it is maturing oneself, part of it is becoming busy in ones own life, and the biggest can be having your own children, and gaining more perspective as a parent. I know a few people who even in their 40’s and older dwell on their shitty childhood and they are fairly unhappy, and I would say even a little stunted in their own lives. They frequently try to blame others for everything that is wrong in their life and psychologically have to make their childhoods even worse in their mind because it is justification for everything that is wrong in their life. They don’t do it consciousely, but they do it, and it only hurts themselves in the end, because they have bad memories of childhood alive all of the time in their minds.

Work through your pain from childhood and then decide that it is chapter one of your life and you have turned the page and started a new chapter. It can include being able to have a different type of relationship with your parents now that everyone is an adult.

@JLeslie The thought of venturing any further and not having worked through this stuff scares me more than actually working through it. I can’t imagine having a family of my own while still having that kind of anger within myself. Thanks for that :) It’s comforting to know I will close the page on this and start something new soon.
Thanks for all of the repsonses. I appreciate it very much :)

@stardust Sometimes I think having children is what helps people get over their anger, not sure if I communicated that well in my previous post. Not that I am saying run out and have children before you are ready, just saying that if you fear repeating mistakes your parents made, then work on alternative ways to handle situations with children, but I think it will help you understand your parents more when you have kids, even if they handled things badly.

@JLeslie Not at all, I got that from your post and I tend to feel that way at times. I look forward to having children – when the time is right of course. And yes, I do feel it could only help in understanding my parents decisions more.

@eden2eve – I agree that it isn’t always possible to get acknowledgment of past wrongs. My position is that if you find that you are struggling to maintain relationships with people who are mentally capable of, but unwilling to even acknowledge how their actions made you feel then you are struggling to maintain a relationship with someone who not only isn’t capable of remorse but who in may feel none.

I worry when people say they have been able to forgive someone without some form of effort on the part of the victimizer. There is such a movement of “forgive your abusers or you will suffer” that I always wonder if it is forgiveness or burying the conundrum that can come from allowing the justified anger over abuse eat you alive while waiting for the abuser “to do the right thing” (Something that they obviously have trouble with doing or victims wouldn’t be in the position they are in.)

I think you and I agree on not giving the abusers any more of your life by allowing their actions to wreck the rest of your life.

I also see where you mention that the people you know who were able to “forgive” absent of any acknowledgment did so with no goal of maintaining a loving relationship with these people. That’s what I call letting go of the anger as opposed to “forgiving” them.

I think it is possible to let go of the anger while still holding the unrepentant abuser 100% responsible for their actions. I think current psychobabble mixes this ability to let go of the rage with having to “forgive” your abuser.

@stardust – if this is something that you feel is never going to be heard by the guilty parties then you have to ask yourself what, if anything, is it that they actually bring to your life? Are they good for you and to you currently? A relationship is about more then shared histories..it is also about supporting and helping your loved ones get where they need to get in the future.

Are you maintaining a relationship with them based on any feelings of love and joy that you receive from them now or is it more that you are honoring your wish to “do the right thing” by treating them the way you wish they deserved?

Are you the only one bringing this acceptance and love to the relationship? If so, despite the gasps of horror that this engenders in many, it is okay to sever ties and live your life without those people.

Personally speaking, the hardest parts of my own journey were these:

Understanding and acknowledging that the abuse existed. That if it harmed me that was a “good enough” reason for me to feel unhappy about it.

Stopping trying to find a “reason” for them doing what they did. One that would mitigate the horror of it, instead of just acknowledging that it sucked.

Grasping that they weren’t then and were never going to be who I wished they were. And that the sorrow I felt over “losing” them was mostly sorrow over losing who I wished they were.

It’s good that you are seeking the answers to this now, before you have kids. Having kids and seeing their perfect loveability and feeling how they deserve only the best from you can really bring the injustice of your own abuse rising to the surface. You were once just as lovable and just as deserving.

@Merriment

I agree, it’s not always reasonable to continue in a relationship with people who are unwilling or unable to recognize their abuse. In my thought process, I can “forgive” without “forgetting”. I do hold the perpetrators 100% responsible for their actions. I’ve said to other interested people, I understand the “reasons”, but that is no excuse.

I forgive when I stop letting the past affect my present. For my healing, I just needed some answers as to the causes, and then I can let go of requiring changes in people who will believe as they choose, notwithstanding my desires that they recognize and change. And I can also choose to avoid those whom I would expect to continue the abusive behaviors. I don’t feel angry, and I don’t need them to have consequences. That is a big relief for me. And that is what I call “forgiving”.

People will have to do their own work to resolve their wrongdoings, I can not do that for them, but I don’t choose to let their negative behaviors control my life, nor my process towards gaining peace about my past. It’s not always easy, but I can be unencumbered by their actions if I don’t let their actions rule me.

@eden2eve – To me forgiveness means more than just letting go of resentment over the past (although I realize the dictionary may disagree with me). To me the act of forgiveness implies that I would willingly lay my neck on the block again with no reservations about that ax they are holding.

I found letting go of the anger made it possible for me to move on without ever getting the answers or expecting changes from others (good thing too, since there were no answers or changes forthcoming). Something that seeking to “forgive” made nearly impossible. Letting go of the anger made it possible for me to take the reins of my life just as if it were really my life and to function from that vantage point.

@Merriment

If I applied your definition to the word forgiving, then I would never forgive. That expression… “once burned, twice shy”, could be my mantra. I guess I am cynical enough to believe that if a person can do it once, they can do it again, and my neck will never be on that chopping block.

I guess it’s whatever works for each individual, I’m just glad that we can take away the power that these people had in our lives and be healthy in spite of their efforts to destroy that health. I’d rather be me than them, at any rate.

As I grew older, they grew smarter, or so it seems. I was glad to have achieved rapprochement with my father and a close friendship with my mother before they died. I think of them now only with love and gratitude, past conflicts forgotten or irrelevant.

@eden2eve _I’m glad we don’t have to live the rest of our lives according to the shitty script we were handed at birth too. : )

If I applied your definition to the word forgiving, then I would never forgive. That expression… “once burned, twice shy”, could be my mantra.

I don’t think I was very clear, allow me to clarify.

My first line on the last comment should have read:

To me forgiveness has been represented to mean more than just letting go of resentment over the past. To me the act of forgiveness has been represented to imply that I would willingly lay my neck on the block again with no reservations about that ax my abuser’s are holding.

The dictionary defines forgiveness as one thing but society (and religion in particular) defines it as something else.

What I was trying to say was the disparity between forgiveness meaning simply letting go of resentment rather than jumping right back into the fire is sorely overlooked.

So, for me, I choose to define the letting go of resentment as something other than the “forgiveness” I was sold as a child and young adult. I know others have also been sold this version of “forgiveness” which is why I seek to clarify/separate the terminology.

I look back now and realize that there is nothing to forgive. My parents were stuck with a child who exhibited bizarre behavior that neither they nor experts could diagnose. Their attempts to force me to socialize were based on expert advice; it wasn’t their fault that those experts had no idea what they were doing. This was all 25+ years before Aspergers Syndrome was heard of. It’s just unfortunate that those “experts” were recommending actions that were the exact opposite of what is now considered effective treatment.

When I was growing up, I felt so sorry for myself that I didn’t have ANY semblance to a ‘normal’ or ‘regular’ family. There was mental and physical abuse. Fast forward to starting my own family. I learned that you get a second chance at the parent/child relationship, when you have your own.

I try to show my love to my grandchildren, not by buying them ‘things’...but, by making them feel special. Introducing them to great books…growing things from seeds and cuttings…making sure they experience cultural events of all kinds. And, when they get my attention and speak, I stop whatever I’m doing, and l LISTEN. The greatest gift we can give to others is our time. It’s the most we have.

My daughter and I always say that we are ‘starting tradition’. Yes, I would liked to have been the daughter who was loved. But, it was not possible. It feels good to be the parent who loves. I hope that makes sense.

I realize now that my father couldn’t help being a horrible parent. He put his wives and girlfriends first…that’s what he knew. Now, he has regrets about the way I was treated…so, I acknowledge that, yet I still keep him at arm’s length…call him on special occasions and that’s it. It’s friendly, but not affectionate. I help him where I can…but, do not invest emotionally.

Relax. Most of us forgive out parents by the time we reach age 50.

It took me a good decade to accept and be comfortable with the idea I needed to stop wasting my time trying to prove my value to my parents and to ellicit a positive response from them for things I felt “should be”. Instead I put my focus on the people who were supportive and nurturing of me, made my own family over time and all has been a lot better since. I know both my parents are good for some lip service but I don’t ever let it snare me into believing it too deeply unless it’s something already recognized elsewhere. It made sense to me to leave off of them and I tried many times not to be hurt or angry but only the passage of time brought me to really believe in what made most sense.

Some “parents” don’t deserve a chance to have these ‘issues’ worked out. Some people are like a cancer. They’ll keep feeding on you until you cut that shit off. Maybe this is what you should do, maybe not. Only you know whats really going on and how you should work things out.

I continue to have issues with my biological family. I don’t know when they will end.

I think at this point, I need to put more focus into getting the support, etc from the people I care about and who care about me in my life. If I can get that from another source, maybe it’ll make things easier for me.
There are family members I’ve already cut out of my life – it was best for me.
Thanks for all of the feedback :)