Do you ever feel manipulative?

Unfortunately, I have a prime example of manipulative behavior in my life. My mother is totally manipulative. Sometimes I have seen it in my own behavior (after all we are what was modeled for us), but when I do I am ashamed, and I usually work to reverse it.

It does help me spot it more easily in others. When I do, I am apt to react badly so as not to feel played.

@marinelife This is how I finally discovered this in myself. I had been thinking of this with my father for a few years and then I put the magnifying glass on me and what do you know I’m doing the same things.

“Persuasion” and “manipulation” are similar in definition. The former is a more positive term, whereas the latter tends to have negative connotations, even though that is not necessarily the case.

To answer the question, I think that most, if not all, people are manipulative to certain degrees. And in some cases, it may be acceptable as long as it is for a positive benefit for all. If lying is involved, then that should be a red flag for using it.

I was manipulataed by a member of my family all my life. It wasn’t a nice feeling. I felt I was being used all the time.
Now I am extremely careful not to act in that way with my daughter. I am sure she appreciates being her own person, not what I would want or wish her to be.

Oh, and can you give us an example of when you have used it in a situation where you have questioned how you handled the conversation/situation? That would help.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
– Sun-tzu

@Everyone and @Pied_Pfeffer Example:

I’m worried about my wifes health/weight, I’ll read, and watch articles/shows about health and about weight I’ll then extrapolate idea from the articles/shows and over a period of time days/weeks mention a thought that “I remembered” from the article/show. My intent is that this tends to plant a seed in the persons subconscious that as I mention here and there over time they start approach their own choices with this new information that becomes the model they live their lives on. This is noble in one way, but not so in others. Noble in the fact that her health/weight might improve. Not as noble in the fact that, it would be helping me to have a healther wife I’d benefit from her being happier making a happier home, her being there for the kids more, her increased self-esteem might mean more sex, etc….

I’m actually having a tough time remembering examples, I think I do it all the time so it’s just become part of the landscape. I can remember another one but I don’t want to mention it out of guilt or getting back to the person even though that’s 99.99999% not going to happen.

@limeaide everyday….how long have you been Fluther? Chaz only comes here to manipulate. Everyone in town talks about it.

btw, watch out for @partyparty also…believe it or not, she is worse than Chaz!

“Chaz only comes here to manipulate.”

OUCH! LOL

lmao…

@BoBo1946 You are so very, very naughty… I am totally innocent LOLL

@partyparty loll..

@BoBo1946 Could I perhaps manipulate you to tell us one of your famous (or should I say infamous) jokes :-)))

@partyparty you want a good funny clean one or the other kind?

@BoBo1946 Just throw it at me however you wish!!! I’ve had a busy day working at my computer all day. I need some joviality.

Having being manipulated by people in the past, it’s something I watch carefully in myself. It’s an undesirable quality that I don’t want to act on. We’re all capable of it, but it’s negative and unnecessary. I was quite manipulative when I was younger – a learned thing, which I’ve tried to unlearn.

The worst part about manipulation, is that it removes the manipulated’s free will. I try not to get in a dance, either way, with that one.

No. Unfortunately I’m a born manipulatee

Not in my personal life.

I have an allergy to manipulation, nothing and I mean nothing, pisses me off like someone trying to work me. This allergy has created what some would call a negative side effect, I am incapable of manipulation, I’m blunt to the extreme, nothing artful about my delivery.

It’s pretty much my job. I am the Executive Manager of my family, also the Mom and the Grandma, so I do a lot of that.

@YARNLADY I would prefer to think of you as “the traffic cop”.

@limeaide
Did your little hints and “seeds” work on getting your wife to shape up and give more sex? Most women I know deeply resent these types of constructive suggestions by their partners and see through them as a weasly way of saying they’re becoming unnattractive.

As for your actual post, I think most people are manipulative each day if they have children, pets or go to a workplace.

I am a teacher and a theatre director. So I spend a lot of my waking hours figuring out how to direct people’s motivation, attention and feelings. My job is to create an experience that will nudge people in the direction I want them to (learning, being on task; or—in the case of an audience—emotionally to feel what I want them to feel). I don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing; actually, it’s pretty much part of the work.

When does someone become manipulative? I guess “manipulation” has the connotation of selfishness, when you are doing something that is not for the other person’s higher good; or you deceive them. So I would say, it’s not the technique (planting seeds, choice of words) that is moral/immoral, but it is your purpose behind it.

I prefer to think of it as being “charming.” ;-)

Sometimes I’m diplomatic…

Would sucking up be a form of manipulation?

@ilvorangeiceblocks Yes, technically, if not absolutely, sucking up is a form of manipulation. But only if those who are having their asses kissed aren’t aware that you are simply kissing their asses. Though, I do think there are some people who want you to kiss their asses just for the sake of kissing their asses, even if it isn’t sincere.

@Neizvestnaya Like I said I’m very good at this, so no one usually sees through it, although it has happened. In case of my wife, it has worked as far as changing some of our eating habits. More sex is still a challenge, but there are some other things going on there that make that challenging anyway little kids, current health issue (unrelated to weight).

When you accumulate certain kinds of skills as a cognitive behavioral therapist or animal trainer you quickly recognize that you have the kind of information that could easily be used solely for meeting your own agenda. That is what manipulative means in essence. Using skills of persuasion or psychological tactics in order to serve your own ends without taking into consideration the other persons feelings or needs. I am very conscious of being able to shape the behavior of others and constantly question who I am doing that for…myself, them, the group or in service to all involved. In some ways it becomes a detriment to someone who is conscious of their ability and avoids manipulating as a result. I lost a lover in part to someone else who was manipulative times 10 mostly because I kept attempting not to influence them and their thinking process.
I work in an environment where people with dysfunctional behaviors constantly try to manipulate. Sometimes you can use that to your advantage…but you have to be able to out maneuver them in your thinking and planning and have beneficial change as your motivation.