Should I talk to this 11-year-old?

Unless the parents have an objection to it, you should be fine. You know the kid and the kid knows you. Keeping up with camp counselors isn’t some evil thing, and is pretty common in my circle of friends.

If you want to stay in touch with her, ask her to get her parents’ permission to chat with you online or email you. Ask for them to call you or email you. If they don’t have a problem with it and can monitor her online activity, then by all means continue to be a positive role model in her life. :)

I don’t think there’s gonna be trouble unless you chatting with her involves partial nudity and a webcam. You should ask her parents first, to be sure.

My advice: Don’t. One accusation of improper contact and your life is finished, especially if you work in paedagogy. There was one case of a young female teacher who also gave her private email to one of her male pupils. Then some day that pupil bragged about having had sex with the teacher. Now her carreer as a teacher is finished, her life destroyed.

@ragingloli Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m worried about. I do want to go into teaching. I guess if I do talk to her I’ll save all the conversations to prove, if it’s ever necessary, that it was innocent.

@ragingloli you were the boy, weren’t you?

I think, given your hesitation, that you should make sure talking with her is okay with her parents. And make sure, in your talks, that you say nothing that could be construed as taking advantage of her. But, assuming innocence, it is really great for a young girl to have a person she admires and looks up to to talk with.

What is the world coming to? A young woman can’t be a mentor for a tween girl? That you are even considering not talking to her because of your career is one of the saddest things I’ve heard in a long time.

Reality (or presumed reality) be damned! I say do what’s right and be a role model for this girl. That was you job at camp and if you are willing to do it off the payroll, go ahead and do it. It’s the right thing. If you want to do the safe thing, you’ll be cutting yourself off from some very nice opportunities and relationships for the rest of your l life. I hope you don’t choose to live that way.

Honestly, in today’s society, you can’t be too careful. You can be the most innocent person and have the most innocent desire to be of service, but one wrong move, or thing being misinterpreted and you are toast.

If you feel you still want to communicate, then you need to tell the parents that you want to keep in contact. I loved, loved my teachers when I was a kid and had very close relationships with two or three of them. I wouldn’t have made it emotionally without the help of my teachers as my parents were quite self-absorbed. So, I don’t want you to cut her off——she may need your input. I definitely would keep everything you write and ask the parents for permission to keep in contact.

This is a sticky wicket. I hope other Flutherites have some other ideas. Best of luck!

I’d say get parents onside too, that way they can’t say you have done anything in secret, I think it’s good that you wan tto mentor a child good on you :)

@envidula61 Hey, that’s a little harsh. One can be concerned without cutting herself off from relationships. I agree with you, but there have been so many scandals, even between females. This one decision doesn’t dictate how I “choose to live.”

Ask the kid for her mother’s email address and email the mother telling her the kid is corresponding with you and asking her permission to answer.

@envidula61….I don’t know about the USA…but here the situation is very, very tenuous. I agree, it’s fairly awful that people cannot help students. Do you know that in the UK, you have to undergo a criminal check to do anything with kids? They even were attempting to pass laws (not sure if it happened or not) that if all you did was drive your children’s friends to and from school or if you_ had children’s playmates at your house_ you had to undergo criminal checks, too! That’s the world we live in…unfortunately.

I used to spend the weekends (no kidding) at my teacher’s house (she and her husband) with my parents permission. I ran away from home once…to one teacher’s house. I felt she was the only one who could understand me. (I was an honors student——but my parents were really like strangers to me.) My teachers kept me going. So, I know what you are talking about——as I had a mentor. And I’ve been a mentor.

Since you’re concerned, you could politely express to her that you can’t stay online long, say hello and that’s it. Check with the parent at the next possible moment, and next time, you will know whether or not to chat freely.

@DarlingRhadamanthus It’s like that here too! I’ve had so many background checks, and one done in one US state is not valid in another. My dad just retired as a high school teacher and once had a stressed teenage girl try to give him a hug, because she needed one, but he had to avoid it because of how many scandals there were at the high school. So sad.

I agree with @ragingloli Don’t! If you do you must get the parents permission and funnel everyone of your exchanges through the parents e-mail account or a CC to their account for your own protection. Always include every word the child wrote back to you in your replies that is the protocol we do here for scouts and should keep things on the up and up.

I’m sorry. It’s just that it pisses me off so much that this has happened. And I think it is mostly needless. From what I’ve heard, the incidence of child molestation is no higher now than it was in prior to the internet. It’s just that the incidences that do occur get such high media coverage that everyone feels like it happens all the time.

So even though it happens, say 50 times a year in a country with fifty million people, people react to it as if it happen 5000 times a year. It’s an overreaction, but you can’t convince anyone of that. Even if you have the numbers right in front of you. So people behave according to their emotions instead of facts. What else is new? But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. And it doesn’t mean that I can’t urge people to do what’s right despite any law against it.

@envidula61…..... I really do agree with you. I don’t like it either. I still hope for a return to sanity in this world. I really do.

I’m not sure about gmail chat but I have a log of all my iChats and if anything were to ever come up, I have a log of all chats. This girl may need a role model and you could be it. I would seek the permission of the girls parents first. Just ask the girl to have her mother call you. If she doesn’t have permission to be using a computer for chatting, you won’t get a response. If she does have her parents permission, you will get a call. Explain to the parents what is going on and you should be fine.

Sure. I think it’s fine.

Be sure you cc the parents with every communication.

@envidula61
The numbers of actual molestations may not be up since the advent of the internet (I don’t know) but what’s at issue is the risk of being accused of anything untoward by anyone who comes by knowledge of the e-mails, not necessarily the student. Would you risk your own reputation with your family, friends, co workers, community, etc.? I wouldn’t.

this thread is sick.

It’s a shame that you even feel the need to ask this question. I’m not sure what @cazzie is trying to say, but i think that if you contact the parents first and get a green light you should be ok. I don’t know about the cc. I guess it’s a good thing to cc your transmissions, but I wouldn’t do it for that of the child, as it would be a breach of trust.
As long as you are up front with the kid from the start, and yes, save all exchanges in a folder, you’re good to go and being a good influence on someone. She’ll remember you fondly years from now. Speaking as a person who has a difficult time relating to children, I salute you. Thanks for your dedication to an increasingly tough vocation.
((()))

Thank you all for your answers! I’ll be seeing this girl’s parents at her sixth-grade graduation on Friday so I will talk to them.

It is sad that @sliceswiththings has to have the concerns she does, but she’s wise to have them. This world has gone plumb crazy.

My knee jerk thought, before I read the posts was, “Check in with the parents,” too. Good call ya’ll. Great, great answers. Let us know what they say @sliceswiththings.

And I wonder what was up with @cazzie‘s post too…..?

Yeah, for Cazzie I’ve narrowed it down to:
1. Awesome, because of all these insightful answers;
2. Terrible that the world has come to this that I have to be concerned; or
3. Cazzie didn’t read the details and interpreted the question as my debating pursuing a preteen.

@sliceswiththings Yeah, or came in in the middle and just caught the parts about molestation….you’re spot on, I think.

I think that I’d bow out with email/chat…tell her that your schedule prevents it. I’d suggest that she write snail mail. It won’t be frequent…but, it leaves her with an open door. Of course, if there is an emergency, let her call. Teachers can’t be too careful these days. Sad. The fact that you’re asking, should tell you the answer. Good luck.

Accept the emails, answer occasionally, copy to the parents email. I would not chat

I think it’s okay to interact with her over emails as long as you remember you’re the adult and she’s the child, and not to give her too much personal advice or act as if you’re her parent. Keep it on an impersonal, objective, level, but don’t be afraid to be funny. Don’t tell her where you live, or ask her where she lives or pry into her personal details.

I was just thinking——can you imagine what sort of response you’d get here if you were a man? “Off-limits”! Sigh.

Its nice that you want to be a role model for her. Explain the situation to the parents and get written permission for them to email her. Explain to them that you don’t want her to feel brushed off and have no problem being a mentor to her. I agree with @josie. Keep the chats simple and if she runs into some difficulty that you feel would be too personal, than suggest that she see a school counselor and discuss the problem with them because they are there to help the students and have the appropriate skills to help her or for her to talk to her parents if they are not the issue.
If everyone is ok with emails than be sure to copy each email you recieve and send to a flash drive so if anything ever comes up you have evidence of all emails sent and recieved.
If thats too much trouble than forget it.
You can always help out by joining a Big Sister program for children who could really do with a little help.
My husband did a young marine program and the change those children had was amazing and he was so happy being a mentor in their lives. In these programs there are often strict guidelines that help protect the youth and the mentor.

Sorry… it just made me so sad. It’s number 2 on your list @sliceswiththings.

I would probably say something to the parents, regarding her computer activities… like, ‘Do you talk to your daughter about the info she posts online…etc…’ a bit of a ‘be careful’ thing and then mention that she’s initiated some contact with you online, let them know. And don’t get into the heavy stuff with her, like Pandora said. Encourage her to talk to her parents or a councillor at school if things get dramatic. Be careful what you share with her.

You could always go to a school councillor and ask what they think would be appropriate. I’m sure they’re trained in these matters.

Seems so sad that so much precaution has to be taken with something so normally natural and wholesome. That’s the part that makes me sick.

I agree with @jodie. Sums up just what I would suggest!

@cazzie That’s a good thought too…Mom and Dad need to know that she’s handing out her email address rather indiscriminately….

Ooops. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded @sliceswiththings! I meant, who knows who else she gave it to.

@Val123 No worries, I interpreted it how you meant it:)