How do you deal with a friend who's great until you need support and then they're gone?

Well, it’s kind of a difficult call. He’s sounds kind of insensitive, and I am very often quick to judge, but sometimes the trick to maintaining and nurturing friendships is to not ask more of a friend than they can give. Maybe this has just made it obvious that he shouldn’t be a “go to guy” for relationship problems. I’m sure he has other qualities and things he can offer you in a friendship. It’s up to you. This could just be one thing he’s not good at or he could just be a jerk. Time will tell.

Got no great advice, but I feel for you and understand where you’re coming from.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be behind bars saying “Dammit, we got caught!” A real friend sticks with you through it all, & you aren’t just there for entertainment.

You have a different definition of friend than I do.

He really doesn’t deserve you. You’re acting like some kind of masochist when you stick by him despite the way he treats you. If you have any self-respect, you’ll drop him fast and go on with your life.

That’s just an asshole thing to say. If you do decide to ignore this and keep your fair-weather-friend, though I see no reason why you should, do not entrust this guy with anything meaningful or important to you.

Do not sell yourself short. You deserve real friends.

Some people don’t have sentimentalism inside their life. It’s just useless and worthless. People need to grow stronger from time to time or they’ll never grow up. Don’t make him as your best friend if you think he doesn’t deserve it. Just make him your ‘ordinary friend’. Or accept him the way he is if your really respect each other differences. No one is perfect after all.

I dunno..I see both sides of this situation because I have been there.

I am never unkind, but, have gotten really fed up with a friend and her relationship drama.

I agree with @lillycoyote

No one human being can deliver all things to another.

Obviously this area is not a strong point for your friend, take your troubles to the ones that are more empathetic and willing to hang with you while you remain stuck in this state of non-acceptance.

Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water if there are other commonalities.

It also depends on the situation…if you are still grieving and it’s only been a few weeks or a month or two, well, he does sound insensitive…on the other hand, if ( as with my one friend ) it has been 2 years of drama….well….can’t blame him for being burned out, and, to insist he respond differently is not fair on your part.

Sometimes, no matter how much we may care for someone we get saturated with their stuff and need to be true to oursleves.

You: If I can’t get any pity could you at least kick me down a little patience? What would
it cost you?

It’s not easier said than done for any of us but it’s worth it. Dont let your “friends” be mean to you.

@Coloma: It’s been a few months. And it’s not relationship drama… I just get really down about the breakup. We’ve only discussed it twice. The first time he was alright because it was obvious I was extremely unstable. But by the second time, which was a good month later, he was already being sort of dickish. This would be the third time.

@poofandmook

I’m sorry.

Well, guess you know he’s not a shoulder….so lean on the ones that are solid.

Perhaps he thinks that is what you need to hear. I am not saying it is right, but I do know some people that just think people should pick themselves up and move on right away. They have very little patience for people that are unable to move on from a particular issue. That could just be the way he is. If you value his friendship for other reasons, perhaps this is just one area that you know you can’t rely on him for support or encouragement. If you don’t value the friendship, don’t waste your time with him at all.

And @poofandmook Do you know if something is maybe going on with him? You said you were having a rough night and he said “aren’t we all.” Is there something going on with him too? Sometimes people can be less than sympathetic if they feel like they’re not getting the support they need either. Maybe you could ask him.

@lillycoyote

Excellent point. Alway’s has to be a devils advocate. lol

We should never assume without asking.

@poofandmook people behave according to how they are taught. Somehow this friend of yours learned that this is the best way to respond to someone in the situation you were in. If you teach him that this response is unacceptable, he’ll learn that such a response is unacceptable… but you better have a damn good suggestion for him to learn from. Sometimes just walking out on a person is enough for them to figure out where they went wrong and correct their own behavior but sometimes not.. some people need to be spoon fed.

Either way, he won’t unlearn his bad habits without opportunity to do so.

Yeah but on the other hand, isn’t a friend supposed to be able to give it to you straight? If this is a guy we’re talking about, and you don’t really have a “friend” relationship where you have coffee together on Saturday morning, your relationship just is not on the same level as a girlfriend. Guys are notorious for wanting to just fix things and they do not relate or communicate on the same level.
He can’t give you sympathy because he truly doesn’t have any. He is being straightforward with you, and not just telling you what you want to hear. He’s getting your back in the only way he can relate to you. It’s no different than WoW. He can’t carry you and he might have to go in a different direction and he can’t leave you if you can’t walk. You’re inability to focus is endangering the mission, so to speak. He just wants you the way you were at the beginning, not broken or inoperative.
I could be wrong, but I’ve known a lot of men with this attitude, they seem to flock to the military. It took me a long time to learn how they think, and I had to have it explained to me. They really don’t mean to be insensitive. They just live on a different plane of existence.

@poofandmook Do you think it’s at all possible that he somehow has feelings for you?

Mars/Venus….it’s all so exhausting….and, it’s your responsabilty to not go looking for cookies in the meat department. haha

He’s letting you know the limits of his relationship with you. In my estimation it stops well short of being a friendship.

It looks like a take-it-or-leave-it choice for you, and if you take it, you’re taking it on his terms, which means no sympathetic shoulder. Better stick to the common ground you have or else forget about this one.

I have a few fair-weather friends. I’m aware that they’re only there for the good times, so when I need someone to lean on, I don’t go to them. I also don’t allow them to pile their problems on my shoulders, either. If you want to put a positive spin on it, don’t call them fair-weather friends. Call them fun-time acquaintances.

@DrasticDreamer: We’ve flirted, but I don’t know. I’m usually good at picking up on that stuff though. Lately though, not so much.

He’s been there for me and given me advice on the relationship I was in before this. We actually had a few heart-to-hearts about it because we were both in relationships we didn’t want to be in, yet couldn’t end because we were chicken.

He may have been going through something, but he’s always a little grumpy… so I don’t know. He usually tells me if something is going on, but he didn’t. It’s all so confusing.

@poofandmook Hm. Maybe he was just extra grumpy because he does have feelings for you. Not necessarily, but that’s one of the first things that popped into my head after reading all of the posts on here. I’m sorry you’re going through this, though. I wish you the best of luck!

@DrasticDreamer Y’know, that sounds like it could be it! Maybe he wishes her feelings were directed toward himself. Hmmm….?

Ugh. Never. Not now.

@poofandmook Oh, we’re not saying to jump into another relationship! I tried it before. Bad idea.

@Draconess25: I can’t. My heart belongs to one person, still. I haven’t the ability to love someone else.

I’m just saying that after this little glimpse into what he’s really like, I would never be able to have those kinds of feelings for him.

@poofandmook I felt that way before, too. Like I could never love somebody else. Now that I found Rachel & Ellie, I wonder if I every really did love him. Time is the only foolproof healer.