My sister says my ex is her best friend, and now she's including his girlfriend?

You have no right to discourage others’ friendships. Bear it with dignity. Maybe one day you will like her too.

He doesn’t support his kids? Personally if it were my sister having to work all the time to support the kids he fathered I don’t think I’d have a whole lot of use for the guy. Unless I’m missing something?

If the father of my children wasn’t helping to support them financially and my sister considered him a best friend, my sister would most likely be out of my life. If the guy was nice and friendly, and not a deadbeat dad – and things simply didn’t work out between us – I don’t think I would mind as much, or I’d at least try to grin and bear it. But with no financial support from him to help with the kids? No way… You have a right to be upset.

As someone who has maintained relationships with my daughters’ former boyfriends after the relationship ended, your sister is over the top. Is she aware that he doesn’t support his children financially? What do your parents have to say about it?

it’s not a matter of liking the new girlfriend…she seems fine. she’s nice to my kids. it’s a matter of putting a strain on my relationships with my family, my sister etc. i have no ‘safe’ ground. she expects me to be ok hanging out with him (and his girlfriend) at a party…well…there are a few good reasons we’re not together, mainly, i don’t want to hang out with him. if i have a glass of wine, it’s too much. if i laugh, i’m flirting. 15 years of judgements leave a bad taste in the mouth. my mom has finally come to understand what i’m going through. it’s just hard. i’ve been bearing it for 4 years, including daddy in holidays, frequent meals all together, but honestly, shouldn’t it be MY decision to include MY ex in MY family functions? she can go out for drinks any time she’d like, but why is he still around???

@judymcb – What does your sister give as her reason for having to have him at all the family functions? His being her “best friend” can’t be it…I know my best friend isn’t invited to or welcome at all my family functions. Just as I am not automatically included in all of hers.

If it is that she feels that as your kid’s father he is and will always be a part of the family I understand that…to a point. The point being that if it was making my sister miserable I would seek to balance out the need to include him with the need to not make my sister miserable.

If it’s that she enjoys spending time with him there are plenty of other times when she can (and apparently does) see him. So why not make some family functions a safe zone for you?

Wasn’t he court ordered to help support the children? If he was and he doesn’t I can’t imagine any one in your family being happy with the guy.

Yes, ultimately, it should be your decision to include your ex. Maybe you could illustrate the stress of this for your sister by inviting one of her ex boyfriends to every function for a while.

No. He is your ex. You need to have an eye-to-eye with your sister. Lots of silence. If you were the weak sister, you need to not be on this issue, if you want to right the ship.

Dignity indeed. They do this to you because they can – because you let them. You need to preclude it.

Don’t be a loose leaf. Confront and adjust what is not right in your life. If you’re not properly letting your sister see how this hurts you, then you are actively condoning it. Why are you doing that?

i guess you didn’t read the parts where i said i’ve repeatedly told them my feelings. my question is, short of removing myself and my children completely from her life, what is there to do? at this point, if he is invited to her wedding, i don’t see myself going. a) i simply would not enjoy myself, b) she is actively hurting me, and knows she is and why would i help celebrate. i don’t want to make a big ‘thing’ and ruin her day, but i’ll not subject myself to torture.

Darling – you “told them your feelings” means bupkus. I assure you, they care more about your actions.

Alas – weddings are important and “loaded”. You may have to suck-it-up for now and then methodically improve your lot after.

i’m not your darling. thank you for your time. and you’re not helping

Oh – you want emotions.

Even you pointed out elsewhere that guys “want to fix”

Sorry for trying.

@judymcb, if i have a glass of wine, it’s too much. if i laugh, i’m flirting. 15 years of judgements leave a bad taste in the mouth.

There is probably the answer. What you described in that sentence is someone with control issues. Your ex is using your sister to control you, by flattering her into thinking she’s his best friend. What is stopping you from taking him to court for child support? Do you have joint custody?

Has your mother talked to your sister about her relationship with your ex and how it gives him control over you? It seems like everyone in this relationship gets to move on but you. If your mom can’t help with your sister, then perhaps you might want to consider going to counseling with your sister, and find out why her loyalties don’t lie with you. What exactly does she think she is doing or helping with her actions? She has a fiance, your ex has a fiance. What is this relationship really about for her?

To @ipso‘s point, what you’re saying about how this affects you and what your sister is hearing are out of sync. This needs to be a conversation that needs to be had with a disinterested third party mediating it, at a moment that is not in the throes of an instance of your ex butting in, but in a neutral moment, so that logic can prevail.

Your issue is with your sister not your ex and his new girl. Yes, it should be your decision to include your ex at standard family functions, bbq, drinks, diners. It should be your sisters decision for her wedding and if you want to be a better sister to her than she is to you, you’ll swallow your resentment and help her have a wonderful wedding day.

A little Brokeback Mountain wisdom: If you can’t fix it, Jack, you gotta stand it. ...

@judymcb – I awoke wondering how much I might regret being insensitive here – a tad of FUI shame, just so you know.

@silhouette, it is SINCERELY with my sister, although, my ex- should have some respect for the mother of his children too. the sister…well…i don’t even know what to say about her. i should suck it up, to a point, on her wedding day.

@ipso nothing wrong with “subtle as a steam roller”

@pandora a 3rd party may be a good idea. i don’t know anyone who things this whole situation is healthy or beneficial (for me…and right now, i’m just about my kids and me). im pretty sure my sister has some strong co-dependency issues, she just can’t let go. i’m just in a ‘something’s gotta give’ situation. and i’m sorta tired of it being me.

thank you all

I too have the same issues. My sister and my ex husband are the best of friends. I totally agree that he should have more self respect (if not respect for the mother of his children) and not even want to attend our family functions. My issue is more with my sister than him because that’s one reason why we are not together now. He was a lying, disrespectful man. Always self-centered. Now, sister on the other hand. I think she’s always wanted whatever I had. Yes, she knows I hate their relationship, but her life is so miserable—I assume she wants to make mine that way. So although I don’t have a lot of advice, I will offer this – Live your life and be happy do NOT allow her nor him to have any power over you.