How to deal with a nagging wife?

First, how long have you been married? this is important.

You should tell her that the behavior is unacceptable, and that you are prepared to leave if it continues. You must mean it. Believe me, it will be healthier for you, and you certainly don’t want to inflict upon children the necessity to observe that kind of crap.

What things doe she nag you about? Is it about household chores, about paying attention to her, or something else? There are a lot of possibilities. You need to talk to her about your feelings and hers and try to get down to the root cause of the nagging. Once you know what the problem is, the two of you can begin to work on fixing it.

1. Sit her down and speak to her firmly and directly and tell her to work on reducing it.

2. Treat her in the same way so she may see how you feel.

3. If you cannot get it across, perhaps you could write her a long letter about how you feel and let her read it when you are not around so she can have the chance to think about her attitude while you are away.

You tell me there is no WikiHow on the subject “How to deal with a wife”?

Women tend to complain (or nag) when they feel that their SO is not listening to them, appreciating them, doing what they say they will do, etc. Have you looked at your own behavior? Why does she need to complain to you so much?

Stop doing annoying shit.~

We’ve been married for a couple of years already. She knows what she does and knows also that she nags. She says to me that that’s just the way she is. She says that she needs constant love and attention. I give her plenty of them both but come on now! Too much is too much! Shit..

She wants things from you, but you must accept her bad behavior unconditionally? Danger, Will Robinson.

Has she always been this way? Have you ever told her that you do not feel her nagging is acceptable in your relationship? When you say you give her “plenty of both” is that by your standards or hers? If she’s always been this way and you kept letting it go, you taught her that it is acceptable behavior in your relationship. You need to tell her how it makes you feel and that you don’t feel it is healthy for your marriage.

Does she have valid reasons for nagging? Does she nag about the same things?
If this is the case then perhaps you are not doing/saying the right things.
Instead of arguing about the issues you have, why not sit together, when you are both calm and discuss matters.
Listening, understanding and compromising should help things settle.

She sounds very insecure about your love for her. At least that’s what I’m hearing. And what is plenty of love and attention? Maybe she does not agree.

Well I’m guessing all the love and attention that I said I give her is to my standards. But if I go by her standards, she would never have enough of it. She is insecure. That might be a good reason for all of this. Now, how do I deal with that?

Get a new one.

Constantly reassure her by your actions.

Maybe if you actually did some of the things she asked you to do, she wouldn’t have to “nag”. Put up or shut up.

Damn, tough crowd..

Thanks for the advice. I think I’ll just work harder at pleasing her like some of you have adviced me to do. Hope it works.

Ok, before you get a new wife.
Does she stop nagging when you are having sex with her?

If so. Have more sex.

hire Chaz as a “hit man!”

@Junior_714 If it’s truly an issue of insecurity, that’s something you probably won’t be able to fix just by giving her attention. It’s something she has to deal with to become more secure. If it really bothers you, see if she would be willing to go to counseling (as a couple first then maybe individual if necessary).

I agree with @Seaofclouds. Insecurity is not something you can fix for another person. Tell her you love her, and want to make her happy, but that you can’t. Urge her to get into therapy, for the sake of her happiness and your marriage.

Tell her all the affection, attention and loving behaviour in the world from you or anyone else isn’t enough if she doesn’t learn to love herself. You can’t validate her existence or lovability. She has to believe this about herself from within.

Now if you’re saying you’ll do something and then back out, that’s something else entirely; she’s learning that she can’t put her trust in you. Either way, you two have to start talking to each other calmly. From your comments here, it sounds like she needs some outside help to get to the root of her insecurity.

So therapy looks like the best answer.. Damn!

It might be a good idea to see the therapist together, at least the first time.
They may suggest that each of you be seen separately at first and together later on.

If you don’t learn to talk to each other and hear each other, you cannot expect to have a happy life together.

@Junior_714 Good luck and welcome to Fluther!

This is a one side q – we don’t know since you’re not saying what it is that you do wrong leading her to nag – I can’t make a judgment as to whether or not it’s well-deserved. I can’t help you deal with a wife because they’re not all the same and you should communicate to your partner how you feel and decide whether this incessant nagging is something you can or can not live with.

Well I got laidoff from work a month or two ago. Haven’t been able to find a job since. She is the only one working at the moment. Maybe me not being able to find a job is putting more stress on her. That would make some seance. I am trying though… You know what? Maybe a new one isn’t such a bad idea after all! Jk jk

@Junior_714 Perhaps she thinks you’re not putting enough effort into the job search – you must really approch it seriously – apply to at least 10 per day, have different resumes set up, make a folder for the entire process on the computer, have cover letters ready, follow up consistently, set up an excel file. It’s what I did when I was looking for a job. Within a couple of months, I had 4 interviews and they all offered me the job.

@Junior 714 I was a bit taken aback by your quote of “how do I handle a wife” because, well by calling her “a wife” you’re turning her into an object. She’s not supposed to just be your wife, she should be your friend, your secret keeper, your partner in an “us versus the world” or “team us” so to speak. She should be the one person in the whole world who makes you feel great just by walking into a room (although just remember that you are supposed to be all of those things for her too). In other words you shouldn’t be able to refer to her (especially to a bunch of strangers… all be it wonderful jelly strangers) in the terms you used. its just hurtful. I think if I ever heard my husband talk about me the way you did about your wife I would just die inside. He’s my best pal and I pine a little when we’re apart even after all these years.

As fellow jellies have said, sit down and talk. Tell her how you feel but just don’t forget that its supposed to be a two way discussion not just you saying “you’re a nag, change”. Think about what it is exactly she’s saying. Things can look very differently on the other side of the fence. To you she’s nagging but maybe to her you’re not listening to her or breaking promises by not doing something you’ve said you’ll do. Maybe she just feels stressed out and scared, if she’s suddenly become the breadwinner, well thats not a natural state of affairs. Before feminists the world over, justifiably yell at me about women taking on the world and winning (which I agree with by the way) what I mean is that as little girls we are all told we’ll grow up and meet our charming prince who’ll whisk us away and take care of us. For good or bad it has always been seen as the man’s place to bring home the bacon so to speak, and even when their partners also work (and so many of us do these days just to make ends meet) the man is always seen as the breadwinner. Since these ideas are bred into us as we grow up I have always thought that men cope better with the related stresses of worrying about being the family provider (yes I do know women everywhere do this on a daily basis and just get on with it, I am kind of a feminist, albeit one who loves being “the little woman” lol.)

My point is, unless you talk you won’t know what’s going on in her mind. I know personally speaking that I would crack if I were the main breadwinner. I’m not that strong a person and I simply couldn’t handle the responsibility. Why not cook a nice dinner, maybe open a bottle of wine, and ask her how she’s coping? does she feel scared? nervous about your future? people everywhere are terrified about keeping their jobs right now, is she having bothers at work? is anyone bothering her? a hug speaks a millions words, start with one of those, followed by an “I love you”. Thats a good start.
hugs

Define nag…Like asking you to take out the trash over and over and over after you’ve already told her you would?
Take out the trash immediately, don’t make her ask you twice.

You’ll impress the heck out of her if you are the one to suggest communication classes.

You can try getting the book, Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars, or vise versa. Don’t remember how the title went exactly. But it did help some of my friends develop a healthy relationship. If you both read the book it will give you each some insite about the opposite sex and hopefully she will feel less insecure. Sometimes in a marriage people do or say things that they don’t realize annoy their partner and let it build up till its a mountain of crap and too late to communicate because one of the partners or both have given up on the marriage. I see you want to make things work. Sit down with her and explain this but explain that you both need to put in 100% to make things work. Tell you you certainly can try and will try 100% but if she doesn’t agree to do the same it will be pointless. Ask her too read the book along with you. Sometimes nagging can be as Silhouette suggest, simply your point of view but not quite accurate. She probably doesn’t want to act like your mom and wants you to help around without being asked. If you see the trash is almost full, tell her your aware its almost full and will through it out when it is. If she spent hours cooking and cleaning, offer to help with the dishes. Nagging sometimes comes from asking for the same help over and over and knowing that it isn’t till you can take it anymore that you finally get up from watching tv to help. Especially if she is working a full time job. Then all chores at home should be split equally or at least to each others strengths. She cooks dinner you clean the bathrooms. She does the laundry , you help vacuum and dust. Etc.

Recycle her

I shot mine & did the time :-/
I’m a free man now in every sense of the word!! Lol…. Just kidding …;-)

@Pandora I, otoh, and all of my friends hate that book and think it’s bs – so it’s not for everyone.

The True Tale of the Nagging Wife that Can Never Be Pleased

“Elmo, did you take out the trash?”
“No…I’ll do it later.”
(Three hours later)
“Elmo, did you take out the trash like I asked you to?...They are coming to pick it up this afternoon.”
“I’ll do it later, I’m watching the World Cup.”
(Two hours later…she starts taking the trash out herself.)
“I told you I would do that…”
“You always say that Elmo, but you never do it when I ask, it would have taken you five minutes to get the damned bag and take it outside… it’s like when you told me we would go to Spain on our anniversary and we didn’t go….like you said that you would paint the garage doors on your vacation and you didn’t…like you said that you would never cheat on me and then you spent the night with that skanky barmaid, Wandalfa…like you said we would share all the household expenses and I end up making half what you make, but still end up paying half of all the bills…”
“You are a stupid cow,Lurella . You are always a nag. Wandalfa didn’t nag me ”
“You were with her for_ two hours_…had you given her three you would have called her a nag too.”

Nagging? A blanket word that usually covers a series of events where a person has been asked repeatedly to do something….remember a birthday…remember to brush his teeth before lovemaking…wash the car…take out the trash….help children with schoolwork…and the man has repeatedly not pitched in to help or has been so self-involved that the woman has done the brunt of the work. At times, the neglect of household requests is done on purpose——simply as a power play and then to “be right” about having someone nag. Nagging is often just a repeated request to a partner that goes ignored.

What’s the real story? What’s really going on here? Who is in charge? What is the power play going on?

You need to get to the bottom line: Am I pulling my weight in this relationship? Or does my partner have a real gripe with me? And you know what? Both parties have to be honest enough to ask themselves these questions.

Despite the fact that women have been “liberated” or so it is said (I think that’s a myth)...they still are required to do the majority of housework, work outside the home and raise children.

No wonder women are exhausted.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir It may not be for everyone but its a place to start and at least notice there are differences in how each sex sees the same situation. Especially if neither wish to do couples counselling. Which would be the idea place to start.However, just tossing ones hands up in the air or having strangers giving input on how to resolve a nagging wife is useless since none of us know what is the real problem. Is there really a problem or is it his perception that is all wrong? They are the only two in the marriage who can really figure out what is the problem. I agree not all in the book is correct but he does offer some reasonable solutions on how to try to resolve issues through communication without playing the blame game.
I remember when I first was married. I did exactly what he did. Ask people for their opinion of how I can fix this or that. All this did was agitate the situation. Finally he told me one day that he would appreciate it if instead of talking to everyone else, I talk to him. Even if it ended up in a yelling match. He pointed out if I wanted to understand him better and figure out a way to make things work than its best I start at the source of the problem. He and I. Not anyone else. They were not in the marriage and did not have the vaguest idea what he was thinking or what we each expected from the marriage. He was right. I cut my friends out of the loop and put him back in the loop. It wasn’t their marriage and what works for them. It was our marriage and what works for us and our expectations of what a marriage should be.

@Pandora Well yeah of course they should be talking to each other. That’s obvious.