What should my next step be?

I guess you should go to breakfast and see what it’s about… what she’s about. Maybe that will reveal something? And I don’t think giving ultimatums is healthy but you may have to in this situation, or demand another therapy session, or weekly sessions. Whatever you feel will help you get your point across. It is certainly not fair that he isn’t respecting you, or your marriage. You know what you need and deserve. And hey, worst case scenario – get even! Go out with an ex and see how he feels… again, not the mature approach, but another option for sure. Hopefully someone will have better advice than this… but just remember to always put yourself first.

Wow, what a fuck wad. Easier said than done, but you need to let this one go. He has cheated on you your whole relationship and now he is throwing it in your face. What exactly is it you want to save?

Unless we are missing part of the narrative (and one assumes there are two sides to every story), his is a gesture of contempt, and he is probably encouraging you to reevaluate the state of your relationship.

I would like to share my own personal experience on this subject in hopes it might help you in some way :)

When my SO and I met I was made aware that he had a female roommate. Now, I was fine with this, heck I had a male roommate at the time. Then a couple dates into our relationship he told me that his roommate was his ex girlfriend from 7 years ago. They had lived in this house together for almost 10 years. He explained how they never should have dated and make much better friends than a couple. I was nervous and skeptical about this, mainly because of how unsettling it was. Well, we continued to date and I met her eventually. Turns out she really is a great girl but I can see why they never would have worked, they we’re opposites and would normally act like siblings over friends. Eventually my caution was alleviated and just a little before our one year anniversary I moved in with the two of them.

The reason why it has ended up the way it has is because 1. I trust my SO and 2. Getting to know our friend/roommate has clearly shown me that they truly could have never been happy together, just like my SO explained to me.

I agree with @Samantha_Rae in that you should go to breakfast, but with an open-mind. Meet this woman and above all trust your gut. Once you have met and gotten to know this woman, if you still feel threatened by her then I feel that it is your place to gently ask your SO to respect the most important relationship (that is your marriage of course) and either stop seeing this woman or limit the meetings to group events. If you have honestly tried to accept this friendship, gotten to know the woman and are still unsettled then I feel you have the right to voice the opinion and say no.

Men have female friends and women have male friends..

Go to breakfast. Watch their body language. That should tell you everything you need to know.
Then you can start to make your own decisions as to where your relationship is going. Good luck

See the thing is I already have a bad feeling about this whole situation due to the lying he has done about it since he has told me about it, first she was just a friend of a friend then he had dated her and slept with her then he will tell me he hasnt talked to her every night he has worked but I see he has when I check his email. She sends him facebook messages about how great of a time she has talking a little wink symbols and sends him messages about her phone dying and call her back on this number, It all feels wrong.

It feels wrong because it is wrong.

@leezer30 : If he has lied about this then he has burned any bridges for being able to keep this friendship AND his marriage. I think @chyna put it perfectly “It feels wrong because it is wrong.”

My ex was sooooo “thoughtful” for asking me to lunch with him and a female friend. I was very uncomfortable. Turns out he was hanging out with her only to boost his ego. He never liked her romantically but she was nuts about Him. And he liked that. Idiot.
They are going to do what feels good to them with or Without counseling. The one and only way they’ll stop this crap is if they’re scared to Death of losing you. I wish I had encouraging words for you. Let him do what he wants. You cant stop him. He’ll make excuses forever to justify his actions. Give him all the freedom he craves while keeping your own options open. It Is wrong.

Yours is a tough situation but you are not the first person in the world to go through it.
Don’t give ultimatums. You already did and he ignored it – because he could. It makes you look weak. Stop it.

Here comes the hard part. For the next month just keep acting like you have been. Do nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing! However:

Start working out, now! Think of it as training for the next relationship.
Start making records of everything. If you can, copy emails – do it. Keep print copies. Sign and date them. and preferably have someone witness your signature.
Take screen shots of Facebook messages. Keep print copies, not files
Learn about the all the bank accounts and how to yank the funds quickly.

Do you really want to know if he is cheating? Will you act if the answer is not the one you want to see? Are you so desperate that you will accept him lying and cheating? Only you can answer these questions (Don’t do it here. That is private.)

Does he know your screen name here? If yes then make a new one and come back.

Now it gets really bad…
If you decide that you have had enough and your self-respect will not permit you to be treated this way then…
Do you have access to his computer? If yes, then install a keylogger.
Do you have access to the cell phone? If yes, turn on the detailed records function . You will have a one month before it shows up.
Pay the 10 per month for cell phone location tracking and keep the records.
Get your own computer, password it and make sure it is clean. You can keep all electronic records there after you make the paper copies. .
All this will be valuable in court.

Are you employed? Can you support yourself? Start making sure you can answer “Yes” to one or both of those questions.

Good luck. You will need it.

(I never had to do this stuff but I had a friend who did. It was painful to watch. )

@chyna – Yep, fuck wad.

You need to decide what you want to do. He has already shown you what he is going to do. You can’t control someone else’s behavior. All you can do is react.

I say you are worth respecting. I say you are worth his not seeing her and continuing to talk to her.

I think you should leave him.

@HeatherGrace The big difference in your relationship and @leezer30 is that your SO told you from the beginning. @leezer30‘s husband has lied all through this, snuck around with emails, facebook and phone calls. Her husband is aware it hurts her, yet continues the “friendship”.
That is showing @leezer30 that his friendship with the other woman means more to him than what his wife wants.

And, he is a fuck wad.

Breakfast with the girlfriend?

Sounds like a set-up for a threesome.

Are you cereal? Walk the fuck away. He is a schmuck who obviously wants it both ways. Don’t give it to him. Forget the ultimatum thing, he has made his position abundantly clear. He wants out and he wants you do be the one who leaves. He’s going to keep giving you reasons and they’re going to get more and more painful and all the while he has already withdrawn his emotional investment in you so he gets to feel no pain at all.
Fuck him and anybody who looks like him.
Get out and don’t look back.

He may be telling you the truth. Go to breakfast with them and see how they behave. If there is some intimacy, you’ll probably pick up on it.

@evandad – There is intimacy. The constant phone calls and breakfast is intimate enough.

@evandad To add to what @ChazMaz said, phone calls, facebook and lying about it. He also has had sex with her. Can’t get more intimate than that.
As for the other woman – some women love this sort of game, pretending to be friends with the wife while boinking the husband. I have personally known of this situation to happen. The smugness of the other woman! Ugh.

@chyna : I agree with you 100%, mine and her situations, although similar in one way, are completely different in the part that truly matters. Had my SO lied to me, or kept the information from me, well things would have ended up very differently.

@leezer30 – Where do you live?
I’m going to come over and kick his ass.

Thank you everyone for your great advice and help with this, just talking and hearing some feedback that doesnt involve telling me im crazy for feeling the way I do feels so much better. I have been so caught up in if he is happy and how I can do more and what I am doing wrong that I havent cared about my own happiness. You guys are completely right, he does want to do what he wants to do regardeless of how it affects our life together and without thought for me. He is selfish and manipulative and he will continue to be that way. Im done believing I am the one who is in the wrong for not wanting my husband to chat with woman on the phone at work and plan dates because I should trust him, I should be ok with him being able to do whatever with whoever because “Im the most important person to him”. LOL

@leezer30 : I can’t help but say this… “YOU GO GIRL!!”

^^ I second that!

See my answer above. ^ It starts today!

Leezer….first of all…..biggest, biggest ((((hug)))))) possible.

You told him that it wasn’t right…and he continues his behavior. That says a lot.

I don’t know where you live…but I can share a story. And that’s why this whole situation bothers me. I noticed this in the UK, anyway, it may pertain to the USA, too…but I never witnessed this thing in the US. When the mistress helps with the cover-up by meeting the wife/fiance. (Well, sometimes a man cheats with a woman’s friends, but that’s a whole other situation. I had heard of that happening.)

I was engaged to someone once…and suspected that he had been cheating on me. I confronted him. He denied it and said, “She’s a friend, nothing more”. Then he said, “Do you want to meet her?” (That’s why I am upset for you.) It was said in a way that was supposed to somehow make it all okay. I said, “No”.

I found out for sure and finally because he mistakenly left a bill on the kitchen counter that had hundreds of text messages to one number. (I already suspected). I called the number. And voila! The suspected woman answered…..and told me everything…..including where I had been the weeks before…naming places I had visited…when I had been away, etc etc etc It was so creepy as I had no idea that she was even in the picture, yet she knew all about me. I told him I had spoken to her , he said there was nothing denied everything and then got extremely angry with me that I had called her. (This, after inviting me to meet her!)

The icing on the cake was that once again, he was slippery and left his cell phone on the counter. It was unlocked. And there was the telling message: “Even if your fiancee knows…it’s okay with me. I still want to be with you. I don’t care what she says or even if you can’t leave her I’ll still be here.” She was going to be part of the deception, too.

Well, that said it all. That’s why it bothered me so much when he said for you to meet her as if that would make it all right. It’s possible that she is just wanting to help throw you off course, too.

I want you to be strong and do the best for YOU….go to therapy and bolster yourself up then do what @worriedguy says.

If it was never anything more that “just sex” then what the hell do they have to talk about over breakfast now?

I don’t know too many people who break bread on a regular basis with their old fuck buddies.

Seriously this man can tell you whatever the hell he wants but you know it’s not right because you feel it in your heart. Don’t let his slick manipulation make you doubt what you already KNOW to be true.

My guess is he is testing you with the invitation to breakfast. And it will probably either A. suddenly get canceled if you accept or B. You will be made to feel uncomfortable about being there.

Or, and this is the one I would suggest:

C. You go and refuse to feel like you are in the wrong for being there. You chat pleasantly with this woman. If they attempt to “tease” you about your concerns over their possible involvement just say “Oh no, don’t be silly! Once my husband explained to me that you were never more than sex to him, I didn’t mind in the least!”

Sit back and watch the death glare laser she directs at your husband cut him down to half of the half a man he already is.

Then finish your lunch and take yourself out for a movie :)

@Merriment : Your GA made me giggle, I rather like this idea :D

oh man, do what @Merriment suggested and let us know how it goes!!!!

Wow, I read your first post and got the impression you weren’t sure they’d ever been sexually active together and now you say they definitely have so… you’ve got this scenario.

He’s cheated on you.

You stayed with him.

He’s cheated again because the sex was without your consent or knowledge.

You brought it to his attention you want a faithful relationship and reacts by continuing to talk to and see this person he had the cheating sex with.

He doesn’t want to be exclusive to you. He’s doesn’t value that. He doesn’t respect your feelings. He doesn’t have any empathy for your hurt feelings. He doesn’t respect you at all.

And I agree with someone who wrote that there is no such thing as meaningless sex.