Should I move on from this guy I've been dating long-distance for almost a year?
I am really at a loss here. I am a 34 year old single mother of a 5 & 6 year old and started dating a 41 year old man who is a single father of a 15 year old last August. It has been a long-distance relationship and I wasn’t looking for any relationship. We’re both very cautious of who we allow into our childrens’ lives. I’ve flown to see him a few weekends and we just went away for six days. Other than that we have spent many, and I mean many, waking hours on the phone. Finally we both told each other about where we think this relationship could go, and found out that we were both imagining a future together. One of us (probably me & my children) moving. I have met his daughter and his mother.
Last month I started to sense him being a little distant, but it didn’t seem to have anything to do with me. When we went away we drove for ten hours with his daughter and dropped her off at her grandparents’ house. Then we went on our 6 day trip that we have been excited about for months. He kissed me one time, but other than showed little to no affection which is a vast change from how things have been previously. We slept in the same bed, but two feet apart, never held hands. Nothing. We did have a good time spending time together at the music festival. He gave me a few reasons for his distance which made sense one moment and made me more confused the next.
1— When I asked him about it he said that he feels distant from everyone right now.
2— We are both very intense (sexually) and he wouldn’t want to “just go through the motions”.
3— This is me caring about you.
4— There isn’t anyone else. ( we agreed to tell each other if we met someone else)
I told him that I love him, and he told me that he thought that I ran from 1st to 3rd over the pitchers mound. After thinking about it I understand, and kind of agree. I don’t think I did anything egregiously wrong, but it was too soon for him then I get that. He did say that it’s not that he doesn’t have feelings like that, but that he really likes dating. So now I am giving him space. He doesn’t call me the way he used too, and I am not calling him even though I want too. I feel sick. Can’t eat. I’m miserable because I do care about him but will move on if I need too. I refuse to allow myself to wallow though. My kids need me to be positive. He’s had some crazy stalker girls in the past and I am not “that girl”. I just want some more clarity. I started taking belly dancing classes and walking at lunch with a friend. I know these feelings will pass. It’s just not clear what happened. He’s been planning on coming up to visit family and see me in August and we were talking about going on a cruise in October. I don’t know what to think?
Do you think I should move on? Talk to him about it? Ask him if we’re still dating or if we’re done in his eyes. It makes me nervous that he got distant, and that if this blows over he will just do it again.
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24 Answers
The only way you’ll know what’s going on is to talk to him about it. It could be that he is scared because of you saying you love him already and he doesn’t feel the same way. Tell him that you need to know what’s going on with him and with your relationship.
After a year of emotional bonding and some face to face together time if he couldn’t even hold your hand, cuddle, kiss or just appear affectionate then I’d say, move on. I’ve never been with anyone who genuinely liked me that avoided physical affection, sex or no sex involved.
I see some red flags, particularly the comment you said he made: ”he really likes dating”
I second the moving on suggestion. I sympathize with how sick and upset you are, because you have invested a lot of time and built up these feelings for him in a natural progression. However, either he has cold feet and/or he is looking into other options, which means you should too.
I would definitely not go on any trips with him, because it sounds like it will be a platonic waste of your time, when you could better spend that time finding someone who values you more and is ready to take the plunge with you at the right time. Taking care of yourself and realizing your potential for a real lasting relationship is a really healthy direction. Good for you!
You’re going to end up getting hurt if you continue with this. He’s a good friend but a bad lover.
Yep, I am with @Siren
This is the problem with online romances ( I did it once, never again) lol
Some people are far more invested in the FANTASY side of online romance while the other party may be truly beleiving that what is said and discussed is real.
In my experience ( long distance..about 80 miles ) this person was all over me in fantasy but couldn’t step up to the plate pf reality.
Fortunetly I am a very emotionally healthy woman and as soon as I recognized the mixed messages and rift in words vs. actions…I called it quits.
Sounds like now that ‘reality’ bites…he’s a dog running scared.
I agree with the thread. Affection is important, so important, that I even want to ask you to be less afraid of letting new people into your children’s life. As long as you set healthy boundaries regarding who you converse, mingle, etc. with and how, but trying to be a bit more progressive with a smile on your face, life shall go on without too many pudorism and mostly a focus on joy. Loving is so important… both you and your friend need to realize that in a deeper sense… and if it isn’t happening it’s too long without it happening. Not the magical story we all deserve… unless you foresee a movie-like twist. I am a very touchy-feely type even if I don’t want it all the time. It hurts me to feel that void even from this distance.
It could have happened when you were together last time. It could have sparked. But it hasn’t… so enjoy the opportunity of opening your horizons. Hey, you can even offer some polyamory to him. You can try being primary relationship and then you are free to meet local new people. If as it unfolds you still really prefer the distance person, well, then put some more thought into one of you moving to live with the other.
Otherwise, be the most sublime human that you can certainly be with everything you got.
Femininity: Skill in attracting resources from men + Belonging to a purpose greater than yourself
– Dr. Paul Dobransky @ “The Three Brains Of Mr. Right”
Bliss of serene happiness :)
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Response moderated (Off-Topic)
A relationship that starts out from two people living in proximity to one another, and then one person moving away, and the couple maintaining a long distance relationship is a long distance relationship.
A relationship where two people have never had sustained daily interaction in person for a year, is a long distance friendship punctuated by periodic visits. It’s not a “relationship” in the sense that the first case is a relationship because you have no independent discovery about each other. When the relationship is initiated from a distance and maintained over a distance, you only know about the other person what they present to you.
Six days with this person, and you find a side to him that is his real self, and it doesn’t mesh with your idea of who you thought he was, and what you need from a relationship. In all likelihood, if he lived near you, and you started dating on a weekly basis, you would have probably moved on 9 months ago.
You’ve been friends. Your still friends, and will stay friends. But, yes, you need to move on.
My advice, take it or leave it: Get out now.
How long have you two been talking? Though the “long distance relationship” factor is a variable, I dont think the problem you’re talking about has anything to do with that. “He really likes dating…” – dating you or just the idea in general? Does that mean he doesn’t want to move past the stage of “dating”? Is it him that plans on coming up to visit you or is it you planning on him coming up to visit you? He says you’ve moved from 1st to 3rd base… to me, that’s polite but irresponsible way of saying “Sorry, but I dont feel the same”.
Love chooses us, we dont choose it. We have to get over the wanting and get onto fate. I think by now (assuming you guys have been doing this for awhile) if it were meant to be, he’d be showing you that there isn’t anything to worry about, not telling you. Don’t ever think about what it “could be” and “should be” – analyze the situation and think about what it actually is.
You know what you are doing…nuff said.
@Disc2021
Brilliant!...and true!
Whenever one gets stuck in the what ‘could’ be, what ‘should’ be…..yep…time to take a long hard look at the what IS-ness! lol
GAWD….I am so thankful that I have moved past dysfunctional relationship drama….to be free and clear is worth it’s weight in gold and then some!
Paramount sharing…..bowing, bowing to the master! :-)
Move on. This guy is speaking loud and clear. In reading your comments, as soon as I saw there was a 15 yr old, I figured trouble was gonna be brewing. Farther down, when I saw it was a girl, I was pretty sure of it. Can’t say for sure, of course, but I’d put money on baby girl having daddy wrapped around her finger.
Whether that’s true or not, he is certainly telling you he is done. SIX DAYS AND NIGHTS AND NO AFFECTION?? That’s called very clear non-verbal communication.
Sorry for all the time and emotion you’ve invested. You are very right that your kids need you most. LDRs mostly end up like this, in my experience.
When you love someone, being a distant person is a red flag to the other party. i have to ask this question…......why did he and his other wife divorce? your answer will add information thats needed to determine exactly where he is coming from. something has changed with your relationship. you know it and i am sure he knows he. tell us more.
bravo for both @rexpresso and @Disc2021 who’ve nailed down the exact points to consider! Having read the answers here, I’m sure you’ll know what it is that you need to be doing.. best of luck! :)
I wouldn’t stick around.Life is too short.
Kudos to @Disc2021!
”...if it were meant to be, he’d be showing you that there isn’t anything to worry about, not telling you. Don’t ever think about what it “could be” and “should be” – analyze the situation and think about what it actually is.”
Yep….it’s amazing how so many people..( especially women ) cling to words over actions, it’s as if they ‘get it’ intellectually, but, emotionally are hellbent on rewriting reality. lol
( Not being unkind…just laughing at the irony that is all too common. )
It sounds like he just wants to be friends.
@Coloma You are so right
@answerjill This guy is not acting like a friend. He is acting like an enemy.
I sure empathize with your pain and self-doubt.
I believe you want and deserve more than you can realistically expect from this guy.
Accept the facts and open yourself up to a relationship that can offer you what you want and need.
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Are you still long distance after a year? Why? Is he in Iraq? If he’s not your soul mate, move on,
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