How Do You Deal With Nasty, Demanding Children Who You Love?

Discipline them.

Many people make the mistake of conflating love with permissivess and overindulgence. This can result in children who take everything for granted and have an unrealistic sense of entitlement.

What if you can’t discipline them because they no longer live with you? I guess I should have explained brattiness and being demanding over facebook and emails. Aggressiveness and total disrespect.

@Aster: How old is the child in question?

boy 12; girl 45. Both are just Terrible!!

About all you can do is express your disappointment in their bratty behavior and from there ignore it and praise any good, nice behavior they exhibit. Kids crave attention and they will soon realize that the only attention they will get from you is when they are respectful. Give it a try!

They are not only Demanding that I mail them something I kept and protected for them but saying I “have to replace it” if I LOST IT right after I told them that I had it safely here after searching for it today!
I am crushed. Now I don’t want to mail it and would feel like a Total Fool if I did. (depressed)

I would send them both individual eMails or letters explaining that you are disappointed in their behavior toward you. I would then outline the type of behavior you would like to see. Be careful not to get caught up in minutia – stick to the major themes.

Before that, I would take a look in the mirror and ask myself, “What is it about me that makes them think it’s ok to treat me that way?” Odds are, there’s something in this situation you need to own to.

Once you admit that to yourself, you may want to add it to your letters.

These things are rarely a one-way street.

If my son disappoints me with his behavior, I tell him exactly that. It’s enough to make him stop whatever he was doing and act right. If he tries to demand that I do something, I tell him no and that he needs to ask properly before I will do something for him.

@cprevite I have no idea why they would and continue to talk to me like this. They act like I’m a doormat . I purposely kept this thing for them including a nice piece of jewelry I’d Never wear, in my closet, for safekeeping since her things are constantly being lost or stolen.

@Seaofclouds So regardless of how he’d talk to you and for how long he’d do it, if he asked nicely you’d instantly grant his wish???

@Aster It would depend on what the request was. If it was something that he genuinely needed me to do for him, I would do it once he asked nicely. If it was something he just wanted, I’d still say no (the point is for him to learn that he has to ask for things nicely and not demand them). He doesn’t talk badly to me for long because I stop it as soon as he starts. (He is only 8.)

”They act like I’m a doormat”

For how long have you allowed them to treat you as “a doormat”? I’m guessing with the 45-year-old, it’s been a long time.

This is learned behavior because you, more than likely, through your behavior taught them that it’s ok to treat you poorly. That there’s no consequence for their actions. That you are easily pushed around.

It’s never too late to stand up for yourself and start earning some respect. Just don’t expect it to be easy after all this time.

I agree with the recommendation that you write to each of them and tell them of your disappointment in their behavior and how it makes you feel. I would not send the thing you are holding for them until you feel their respect for you. Don’t be a chump, even if this is a pattern you may have created.

Let them know that when you are ready to give them whatever it is they wanting, then you will give it to them. Until then ask them not to mention it again.
Be firm but friendly, and explain to them that their behaviour is disrespectful, and you will most certainly not tolerate it. You are family and would never behave in this manner towards them. Explain you find their actions deplorable.

@partyparty GA but I cannot explain to them their actions are deplorable and disrespectful in a friendly manner. I told them pretty much close to this an hour ago and it was NOT friendly! Believe me: if they could, they’d call me twelve times a day about it. Neither one of them has any interest whatsoever in being civilized or in the concept of getting off my case. They are unstoppable and told me to “leave them alone” (which I’ve been working on) when I had not said one word to them. I was eating and they started emailing. Now I fear they’ll start calling my other daughter who doesn’t deserve this.

Has this been a lifelong pattern with them?

”…I cannot explain to them their actions are deplorable and disrespectful in a friendly manner.”

Stop taking their calls and eMails – calm yourself down – then write them as described above.

Don’t get swept up in the drama.

Yes I think @cprevite is absolutely right. Stop allowing them to upset you.
Give them your answer – your final answer – and tell them that is your decision.

@cprevite Thank God they dont know my phone #.

If they want you to “leave them alone” – do just that.

They can have their things when they show up on your doorstep and take them from your hands. Until then, they can contact you when they feel like returning to civility. You don’t need such negativity in your life. That girl can grow the hell up.

If all else fails, tell them you will get your delightful dogs to bite their ankles LOLL

…or poop in their living room.

@cprevite I Needed that laugh! thank you!!

Explain to them in no uncertain terms that you will not communicate with them in any way until they learn to treat you with respect and then, do exactly what you said. Unfriend them on facebook, don’t take calls, if they show up and are rude to you, do not open the door. They will learn quite quickly to treat you with respect.

@Seek_Kolinahr I can say with all honesty that she will Never, Ever grow up. Nothing about her is grownup. She acts like a spoiled teenager. Imagine crashing with losers and not working at her age.
It’s a nightmare and you guys have helped me SO much!

Please tell me how to “unfriend” on FBook.

“when you’ve done everything you could to be nice and understanding with them?”
Sounds like you are being a pushover. When your responsibility is to be a parent.

@ChazMaz We, not I , have done everything in our power to help both of them for Many years. Incredible amounts of time, work and money to get them on a decent track and it all blew up in our faces.
I cut off communication for the most part just this January then today I get the emails that I “must replace it if I lost it” in big caps. I’ve basically lost interest in being a parent to the Gestapo. Which includes her father, Chaz. Most accurate way I can put it.

I think if I were you I would continue to keep communication cut-off, unfriend them on FB and not open their e-mails (or see if you can get them sent directly to spam.) I don’t see where there is anything you can gain from this situation at this point but pain.

How do you unfriend on Facebook? I can block emails I think. I’m a little fragile, at best. My nervous system can’t stand a whole lot of stress at this point. It’s just too much. I do not want to sound like nobody else is under stress; I know better.

I haven’t done this yet, but it looks like if you go to their Wall, on the bottom left there is a box in which you can choose to block them or remove them from your Friends.

@janbb I’ll try it now then off 2 the store. thanx!!!

++it worked @janbb !!++ what a relief !!!

Yay for you!!

I feel your pain. I (well my hubby did) went through a similar situation. His daughter was very disrespectful toward him. I will QA about that at a later time. In your case its not about discipline, a 45 year old woman should just know better. She obviously have no respect for self and therefore do not know how to respect others. Sometimes its just better to say your piece and let go.

”...I purposely kept this thing for them including a nice piece of jewelry I’d Never wear, in my closet, for safekeeping since her things are constantly being lost or stolen”. You are also not obligated to give them whatever they are demanding of you if its not legally theirs. If it is, make them take you to court to relinquish it.

@AmWiser I do not minding giving them what’s theirs. What I mind a lot is mailing things that belong to them when THEY RUDELY DEMAND IT. She cannot take me to court. lol She’s broke and there is so much against her morally and legally it would be too risky. I don’t want her stuff. It’s not “my taste” and besides, I’m not a thief. When I DO get things to them they never mention it.

@Aster Then why don’t you let them know you will pack up all their things and ask when can they pick them up or send for them. I would think that you would feel better if all their belongings were out of your hands and they would have no reason to contact you for anything else.

Mailng them everything would cost a bloody fortune! She has always left TONS of things in my garage! Big Piles of clothes and junk and now HE started it. It’s a long, stupid story. They can’t drop by; they live far away now.

Tell them if they do not get their stuff from your house by a set date you will be taking their stuff to Goodwill. When they come to get it have it sitting in front of your house.

^^ This, except for leaving it in front of your house. You would then be legally responsible for anything that “turns up missing”.

(You lost me at the girl is 45 part….)

If she puts it out the day they come and watches the stuff, I think it would be fine.

@Val123: Yeah,,,I blinked at that too.

thank you. It has Never been my intention to goodwill or throw out any of her things. We have kept them in our garage for many years. And , when we moved I ACTUALLY BAGGED THEM UP AND BROUGHT THEM TO THIS GARAGE. Her dad took 2 huge black leaf bags to colorado for them but I still have more than twice that much left. I don’t mind, really. She has So little. No car, no house or apartment. she is healthy physically but will not work. She just sponges.
We have the space. This is all about attitude and hurting my feelings—not about her things.