Is the truth always the best?

Truth is truth. Truth isn’t inherently good or evil, in my experience. An old teaching says that before something is said- it should pass through three ‘doors’. Is it true, is it kind and is it necessary.

What good would come out of bringing all of this up? Is there anything to gain besides feeling momentarily ‘besting’ someone else?

I think that although it may be painful, the truth should come out here.

Usually, the truth is best.

Unfortunately, remember that sometimes people want to kill the messenger.

Which truth are you talking about bringing up? The fact that they are naming the baby after someone that isn’t biologically her husband’s great-grandfather? Why does that matter? If this is the only grandfather that the DIL’s husband has ever known, then he is that to him. Does the DIL’s husband already know that his grandfather isn’t his biological grandfather? What does your wife think? Does your wife want to tell them that their grandfather wasn’t their biological grandfather?

It’s always best to be honest with people, I just don’t understand what honesty and truth have to do with who your DIL chooses to name her child after. Regardless of the blood relation, I’m guessing that this man was the only grandfather her husband knew (since your wife doesn’t know who her biological father was). I doubt the lack of a blood relationship is going to change your DIL’s mind as to what she names the baby.

Depends on your concept of what truth is.

Sometimes, silence is golden.

What would it accomplish was my first thought! It would only cause a lot of hurt feelings! I would let it go!

Since it is not your truth to tell, remain silent.
Concentrate on being truthful about what you do, no matter the pain it causes you.

You are really the only one familiar enough with the family dynamics and people here to be the best judge of what to do.

A few questions you may want to ask yourself.

What purpose would it serve to tell the truth rather than letting it lie ?

What are your motives here ?

What is your wife’s opinion on this ?

Since it involves her relatives, wouldn’t it be her place to reveal this rather than you ?

(but if you’re asking the question on behalf of her, then obviously the last part doesn’t apply).

But if anyone’s going to be spilling the beans here, they just need to be really in touch with their own motives.

Whatever is going on with the bossy Mother is really irrelevant to the broader issue.

@Dr_Lawrence very good answer!

So, if I have this right, your wife has a son, and his wife wants to name their baby after her husband’s grandfather. His mom, the one with the different biological father, who is also your wife, feels it is fine to name the baby after him I would guess. I also assume that her dad is the person who raised her, even though he is not her biological dad. I think it is up to your wife or her father to tell the “truth.” And, I don’t see how the truth would affect the baby’s name?

I would rather the truth be out, because generally I don’t like secrets in families. I think many times they are kept out of shame or worries of scorn, which many times are unnecessary burdens in people’s minds that are not part of realty. But, I really don’t think it is your place to tell the secret.

Two of the other factors that enter my mind is that my wifes sister is a family history nut and has filled up folders full of data about the family tree etc, and she often wonders why my wife doesnt show more interest and Ive to keep my mouth shut on why.
Also my wifes son has two cousins, and if in the future they had to take a dna test for medical reasons, then truth would out. One of the cousins may require some sort of grafting in the future, so its a possibility. The reason that looms in my mind is that that actually happened on my side of the family.
Its not just about naming a baby.
The comments are correct that its not my secret to divulge, but if it were to come out by default it would be horrible.

@Sandydog So the big question in my mind is, why does your wife want to keep it a secret?

If I read you correctly then the woman was once told her supposed father is really her stepfather and she still wants to name her baby after him. I don’t see a problem with that. I was raised by a stepfather who by all means is the only father I’ve ever had and no one would blink an eye in my family if I chose to name a child after him. Well maybe they’d squinch their eyes real tight and cringe but no one would tell I shouldn’t do it just because he and I are not blood related.

Is the truth always best? NO. Here’s an example:

Man takes gf to a restaurant for her birthday. She asks him how he came to choose the spot and he tell her it was a favorite of he and his last gf’s and that the woman might be there at the very same moment. <<<<BAD

Man takes gf to a restaurant for her birthday. She asks him how he came to choose the spot and he tells her it’s always been a favorite of his and he is happy she is enjoying herself there with him. <<<<BETTER If pressed he could say a friend recommended it a time back but you see where it’s best to leave out some stuff.

@Sandydog In regards to your wife’s son’s cousin needed grafting and her son being tested, there is a possibility that he would match even if they had the same grandfather. They have different parents and they could be unable to match just because of that. Family doesn’t always match.

If your wife wants to keep it a secret, I think you should honor her decision. It is her secret to tell if she ever wants to. Aside from her stepfather, the rest of them are all blood relatives (even if it is half-siblings). If it really bothers you, talk to your wife about it and see if you can change her mind.

I never thought of this as being a big deal, but my son will be in this position some day. My husband is not his biological father (but he is planning to adopt him) and my son will most likely have half siblings some day. The thought of him ever telling his children that my husband is not their grandfather never crossed my mind (even though biologically he won’t be). It will be my son’s choice, but I don’t honestly see any reason for the distinction. My husband is the only father my son has ever known and will be a grandfather to his children when that day comes.

Parents often name their children after people they love and respect even when they are not relatives at all. Honouring someone by naming your child after them is an extraordinary tribute.

Some facts are no so much secrets as matters people choose not to discuss.
Genealogy and family history need not coincide.

MYOB

I have GA’d all first 9 answers.
It really sounds like you want to tell the secret.
It sounds like your main motive is anger towards the grandmother.
You have this story of “how hard it is for you to keep the secred” which you tell yourself, and diffrent stories of “how they might know in the future and what effect it would have on them to find out that way”, (which, I would leave to god) but it sounds like they are just excuses not to be minding your own bussiness. Rightous excusses.

Whether you agree with this inconvenient truth or not, I am sure you will agree that finding out this truth in these circumstances would have a devestating and sadening effect on the new father, therfore his wife and child, a sadening effect on all three brothers, including your wife and will draw fire to you from the mother at the very least, if not from your wife and the rest of your family. All that in the name of, truth?

@Marva (edit! Just re read your post!)
I agree with you. What I’m seeing here are the wise people asking a series of important questions, also laden with truth:

“What purpose does it serve” (None)
“Why do you want to do this?” (No reason that can be given)
and “What does it really matter???” (It doesn’t.)

In counter point “What harm can it cause?” (A lot.)

I think @Marva makes a really good point, you will be possibly delivering news that will cause the family to turn on the messanger. I am in this spot with my husband’s family sometimes. I want to tell, because I think sometimes they treat me so awful, and are so self righteous at times. Not that I want to get them back or hurt them, but I feel like I want to show that there world is not so perfect and they should stop being so judgemental and mean. Like I want to teach them something, hold a mirror up; but, be warned you never win, you wind up being the shit relative.

What purpose would starting a squabble over “you’re not really part of this family, so don’t name your baby after our relative” serve? Do you want to hurt her feelings and make her feel bad? Vote her off the family island, kick her out of the family nest?

Her own father was a sperm donor, not a parent. Usually truth is a good thing, but in this case, it’s just being pissy.

Tell your wife the truth

Communication should always be open and honest between you and your wife, but eventhough, you discuss stuff, some issues are not for you to divulge, it is up to her what she wants to come of this life transistion. You are privilidged to share life with her, also remember that older people were raised in a different enviroment, Socially many issues that today are easily resolved, in her maybe twenties would not even be discussed. Have a wonderful day! ;-)

You bring up an interesting general question. Is it always best to tell the truth? In your case it is just a matter of truth versus silence. In many other cases in daily life, it is a matter of telling the truth or telling what is considered a “white lie.” We pay lip service to the idea that the truth will set you free, but in practice we often find it prudent to hedge on the truth. I read this book, The Varnished Truth , that discusses the issue.

I don’t know if I read it in this book, but I read somewhere that men and women have different lying patterns. Women, sensitive to people’s feelings, are more likely than men to tell small lies, while guys, being guys, are more likely to tell whoppers. I think sometimes women get carried away with avoiding the truth. I remember one time sitting in a conversation among some women discussing “what shall we tell her?”, over what I thought was a fairly petty matter. When I suggested telling the truth, they looked at me as if I had just dropped in a from some distant planet.

I think the main question I asked was is Truth always best? I was wanting to know what others thought apart from the specific example I was giving, so thanks to all who answered. I should have included the fact that my wifes “dad” passed away over 20 years ago, so for her son he would only be a vague memory apart from some pictures. Asking the question has in fact been like pricking a baloon ( in a good sense ) as I myself only have other family in Canada so it was good to have the discussion.
My wife had said in the past that she intended to tell her siblings the truth after her mum had gone, but whether or not that will happen will be up to her.

@Sandydog Have you told her it bothers you that the whole family doesn’t know?

@Jleslie. My wife knows my feelings about her letting her mother talk to her as if she was still a child at times.
I know when she was given the news at first that it had a deep influence on her overall Self-confidence.

@Sandydog But, your wife doesn’t know that it bothers you that only you, she, and her mother know she has a different biological father?

@perspicacious His wife knows. It’s her step father we’re talking about.

@LostInParadise You bring up a great truth in itself, but personality and enviromentally how we are each brought-up, takes a toll on each individuals choices, oviously, Some of us are stronger in character then others, like example that you brought up about the women, the saying “Birds of feather, flock together” in that case, don’t you think?

There are definitely times when it is best not to tell the truth. A captured solider is considered heroic for not divulging information under torture.

@LostInParadise Yes, ofcourse in that instance, but in the initial question that was posed to all of us, it is not the same. But truth and lie is what the individual that has to confront it must make that decision if he or she has ownership of the next card to deal.

Not telling the complete truth and knowingly allowing people to be misled is lying. In your terms, it is a sin of omission rather than commission, but a sin just the same.

It’s difficult to discuss because we think we know the truth about deeper ideas about life and this one is important yet a tad controversial to a degree i’m beginning to see. lol

@LostInParadise I agree with you and I rather like the concise way you put it. Thanks!

Well, what does your conscienous tell to, what can you live with? Each of us chooses to say certain things for our reasons, and sometimes it is because the truth is the best alternative.