Will these couple's therapy session make things worse?

I believe therapy can lead to the relationship going either way. I’m curious, why would you be getting married to someone you find it awkward to have sex with or that you are not sexually attracted to? Have you ever been sexually attracted to him? The best thing you can do for the both of you is be honest. You both deserve to be in the relationship you want to be in. Lying about it to keep him in the relationship is not fair to either of you.

The therapist can help you see different ways to approach your incompatibility and perhaps resolve the differences, using suggestions you might have not thought of. As an outside source, he won’t have the so-called baggage or emotional blinders the two of you have.

If either of you do realize that your relationship isn’t really what you need in your life right now, perhaps a separation will be in order – but it will be because you have examined your relations from both sides, and you will make the choice based on knowledge, not on emotion.

If you have a good therapist then he/she will work with both of you to come to a place where you are happy.

I’m sure your fiancé would want to know how your are feeling and I’m sure you can find a gentle way to tell him. The therapist may have some great suggestions about things you and he can try that will alleviate how your are feeling.

If it is meant to be, then your fiancé will work with you.

@Seaofclouds At some point I was attracted to him. We’ve been together for 5 years. We’ve lived together for about 4 of those years. We’re very comfortable with each other. Almost too comfortable. Example, I feel totally at ease walking around naked in front of him but it’s not in a sexual way. Make sense? We’ve been planning this wedding for so long. Now all of a sudden we both feel this intense anxiety. And we’re realizing how long it’s been since we’ve had good sex, or any sex at all for that matter. Problem is, our wedding is a month away and we’re in a rush to figure out our issues and fix them. 30 days isn’t a very long time to do that!

@ItalianPrincess1217 I hope the therapist is able to help the two of you figure out what has caused the drift and find ways for the two of you to repair it. Good luck!

@ItalianPrincess1217 What do you think is going to change when you get married? It sounds to me like you both have some fears around that issue which may be causing all this other stuff.

Honestly the only reason this has become an issue is becase he finally spoke up and started asking questions. The lack of sex was an issue but not enough for me to call off a wedding. We really have no other issues and I figured I could live comfortably enough with him even though I wasn’t physically attracted to him. But he cares and it’s bothering him. He deserves to be with someone who gives him the same love/affection that he gives to me. And I know eventually it would bother me too. I do love sex. I do need it. At some point I’m sure it would start to eat me up inside but I think I’ve been ignoring the issue for now and hoping it’d get better on it’s own.

@ItalianPrincess1217 – ^ I am in the exact same place in my relationship. It has gotten to the point where he stops trying for fear I will reject him. I don’t outwardly reject him in a “I feel awkward or don’t want to be intimate with you” kind of way but more that I always have an excuse such as it is late and we have work in the morning or that I just had a shower and don’t want to get messy etc.

I understand how you feel about being compatible in every other way but just not being enthused about sex with him. It is hard for me to justify ending a perfectly happy relationship filled with companionship, trust, understanding, love, friendship and support simply because I no longer feel sexually charged.

Sex tends to play a major role in relationships. I’ve been on forums where people complain about the fact that their spouse doesn’t want sex as much as them. Majority of the time, it leads to other problems in the relationship. One person is hurt and then does things to hurt the other. Ignoring problems is never the answer. Obviously something caused your view of him to change since you are no longer sexually attracted to him. Did anything happen in your relationship that you could pinpoint to the time around when your view of him changed?

I hope the two of you can work things out, one way or another.

I know this is a very personal question so feel free to ignore it. Did you ever enjoy sex with him? If so, when did you stop enjoying it?

Well, it is very encouraging that he want to talk to you about it. It says to me he is willing to tell you when he is frustrated and dissappointed and that is very encouraging.

How did you come to choose this particular therapist? Was she recommended by someone who had success with her?

I think the therapist will have you focus on what will help you feel sexually attracted to your fiance, rather then you telling him your not. Maybe think about what you are missing in the relationship that would help you feel sexually charged. For some women they want help around the house so they are not exhausted, some women want to start with a back rub, etc.

I know you said you want to want to have sex, that you enjoy sex, but I was wondering, to just clarify, are you turned by anyone right now? Do you have any desire for sex right now, even if it is on your own.

@Rachienz Not that I’m happy you’re experiencing the same thing, but I’m relieved that I’m
not the only one.

@Seaofclouds Nothing happened that I can recall. A couple years ago there were some cheating issues (on my part). Not sure if that was when our sex life went down the drain or not…

@tranquilsea In the beginning of our relationship we had some kind of chemistry, or I wouldn’t have stayed. But it faded over time.

@JLeslie I’m very encourged that he wants to fix this and not just run away. But I also know he’s at the end of his rope. We either fix this or he moves on. If he were a stronger willed person, he probably would have left me awhile ago. But he’s put up with my crap for a long time. I just hope I don’t disappoint him.

To answer your question, yes. I do have the desire to have sex. Instead of seeking satisfaction from him, I’ve “taken care of it” myself for the past few weeks.

@ItalianPrincess1217 I don’t think I have any more advice. I hope it works out for you. I understand why you are apprehensive. I think you both are very mature to handle it this way.

As long as both of you trust the therapist, it should help. At the very least you should come away knowing whether this is a deal breaker or just a temporary setback.

Don’t let the current lack of intimacy put you off too much, if the therapist isn’t concerned.

It is not uncommon to fall in and out of lust more than once in a relationship. It could be the upcoming wedding is stressing you both a little, which could put you off your game.

I believe I once opined to you that a lack of libido is eminently curable, and is best addressed in a couple’s therapy setting. Don’t be afraid; be happy that you are getting ready to fix it.

And he never forgets or forgives

Forget the therapist. Forget that you have lived together for 4 years. Forget his feelings. Get out. Get out now. If this guy will not forgive and you marry him, you are in DEEP DEEP trouble. You are going to do plenty of things over the years for which you need to be forgiven.

That’s enough to get you out. But what you are describing above is a very sick relationship already. Please do not marry him. Save both of you a world of heartache.

I’m sorry to disagree but I certainly hope you don’t follow @plethora‘s advice. It sounds like you have something well worth saving, and you are about to take a very positive step. Don’t let any busybodies discourage you. You’ll know if it’s ever really time to leave. No one will have to tell you.

@dpworkin I agree. If I didn’t think my relationship was worth saving, I wouldn’t be wasting my time going to therapy. We have a lot more positives than negetives in our relationship and that’s enough to make me want to work things out.

I don’t understand how you can say he “never forgets and forgives” when you cheated on him and yet you’re about to be married. Clearly, he forgave you. A marriage is about trust, openness, honesty. Don’t you think you owe that much to your future husband? Honesty? You already violated his trust once. Hiding your true feelings will only hurt you and him worse in the long run. If you want this relationship to feel right, you need to open up about what’s troubling you. Your fiance might be sensitive, but you can’t withhold the truth from him. That would be cowardly and unfair.

Is there something about his appearance he can work on, perhaps? Maybe you will feel more physically attracted to him if he makes some changes—works out, different hairstyle, clothing, etc?

Greater honesty can only lead to greater clarity even if it is painful and a skillful therapist should not make things worse. I think it’s great that you are taking this step and hope it will help soon.

@ItalianPrincess1217 I do understand your apprehension about your couple’s therapy. There is no way to predict in advance how it will affect your decisions about the upcoming wedding.

The scariest thing I heard you say is that he is easily hurt and that he “never forget and never forgives.”

That is more cause for concern, based on my experience with couples, than anything other than problems related to struggles over money or power.

If you are not sexually attracted to him anymore and a satisfying sex life is important to you, you have good reason to be concerned about how things will work out in your marriage.
Having your mate find you sexually attractive is very important to most men. Their self-esteem can’t help but be affected by this. It makes no difference whether you admit it or he figures it out all by himself, he will feel inadequate and that will eventually lead to his feeling hurt and eventually angry. This does not bode well for a man who never forgives or forgets when their feelings are hurt.

It is not wise to proceed with a wedding because all the preparations and all the anticipation make you feel like it is too hard or painful to change your mind.

The high divorce rate in society occurs even though most couples feel very certain about getting married.

If you are Italian, you are likely planning to getting married in a Catholic ceremony. Italian communities are known to be tight knit and fairly traditional. How will a marital break-up later on affect you and your family?

I agree with @Dr_Lawrence

There is no way to predict the outcome of the counseling…but…you are right in being concerned that a 30 day stint is not enough time to do more than skim the surface and review what troubles you both.

Most therapy is once a week, so that is only 4 sessions. Not nearly enough time to even begin to untangle all the issues.

The ‘average’ length of couples counseling is 6 months, and, that is not including ‘tune up’ sessions which are often necessary as well.

I’d say that the first and most important priority is to postpone the wedding until you have a handle on where you think the two of you are headed in terms of resolution of the issues, or….the possibility of recognizing that marriage is not a good choice for the two of you at this time, perhaps not at all.

Many couples face these sorts of issues in their marriages, but if these are problematic areas now marriage will not improve things.

I would strongly advise an indefinite postponement of the nuptials….it CAN be done, and forget about disappointing others…don’t disappoint YOURSELVES for the sake of a planned ceremony!

People will get over it, the flowers can be recycled, the cake can be frozen, the gifts can be returned, the dress can be sold or put away, much easier to cancel or postpone a wedding than to get a divorce!

It seems a lot of couples have this same problem and I think a lot of it comes down to expectations.

When we’re teenagers, and we’re learning about sex and making the patterns we’ll follow later in our lives, our bodies let us know right away what we want. It doesn’t take much to get us started and nature takes it from there. This also seems to be true in the start of relationships, when everything is new and exciting.

Later in the relationship, when things become “comfortable”, maybe there isn’t always that burning desire. The one you love isn’t new anymore, you know essentially how things will go, and hey, if you’re not feeling it, they’ll be there tomorrow right? We think if our bodies aren’t on fire, it must not be right, and what’s the point if it’s “work”? We don’t want to be forced to go through the motions.

I think a lot of the stress could be alleviated if you think about it as something you do for yourself, your partner, and your relationship. A good analogy might be exercising, or education, or anything you do to better yourself. It’s hard to get started, but once you do it is a lot easier to keep going. You just have to take the first step.

The first step in this case can be therapy to get ideas, it could be letting him know what he can do to help you, it can be setting yourself up in situations where you feel “sexy” to give you both a chance to continue. What that first step is completely depends on you. If you don’t know what it is, take time to think about it and figure it out. It is important. And if you enjoy sex (as you mention), and he enjoys sex (assumed) it can only lead to good things for both of you.

Most importantly remember he loves you too. All of you. And wants to share his life with you. You both deserve whatever you want out of life and are forming a team to make that happen for one another. Whether it’s money, kids, a new house, or a healthy sex life, you’ll need to work together.

Good luck and congratulations on finding someone who cares about you.

@le_inferno Just because he chose to stay with me doesn’t mean he forgave me. And he certainly didn’t forget. He tends to hold things over my head for a very long time. He tries to keep things in but he slips up and let’s out little jabs here and there. I tried for a long time to gain his trust again but it’s hard when he is constantly making rude comments about mistakes I’ve made in the past. Can’t blame him. He’s a Scorpio. That’s part of who he is.

As far as his appearance, he’s already a good looking guy. My type of man has dark hair, dark features, medium build, tall, and always smelling yummy. He has all those features. So what’s the problem?!

Side note:
There is something I noticed that seems strange to me. My last relationship was pretty bad. The only good thing about it was the sex. It was amazing. We had a great physical connection. Here’s the weird part…he wasn’t as good looking as my fiancé. He wasn’t even that hygienic. But for some reason, even if he wasn’t showered, and hadn’t brushed his teeth all day, he’d still smell sexy to me. I’d still hop in bed with him. I don’t have that same urge with my fiancé. Even when he’s freshly showered and smelling good, he doesn’t smell sexy to me. Am I nuts?

@ItalianPrincess1217 Why do you want to marry someone whom you know will never forgive you for anything that you will (because you’re human) do?

Sex is nothing when you are getting it, it’s everything when you aren’t.

@ItalianPrincess1217 Wow – a lot of issues coming up. It’s good that you are going to therapy.

Note: @ItalianPrincess1217

I think it important that you understand that I, as well as some of the others are not being doomsayers based on whim.

I am speaking from the voice of experience.

I divorced after 22 years and by the time we went to couples counseling it was too late…for me. lol

Issues and resentments usually build for YEARS…to be facing issues such as these even before the wedding is not a good sign of things to come.

I dated my husband for 4 years before we married, felt like newlyweds for the 1st five..and still…things went south longterm.

I would like to be very clear that MY contributions are based on wisdom hard earned. ;-)

@ItalianPrincess1217, Could a lot of this come from the wedding being such a big production, and all the drama with your relatives, the caterer, the dress. After living together as if you were married for 4 years, perhaps he’s feeling overwhelmed, and wondering if he’s just the guy on the top of the cake. It’s not uncommon to get cold feet before a wedding.

Couples counseling is not about finding fault, but about finding better ways to communicate. Sometimes that communication leads to difficult things being said. Hear it out, and think before you speak. Don’t put the money spent on the wedding ahead of the relationship. The money is spent. Do what you need to do.

As for the smell thing, that has to do with the pheromones. You actually choose a mate by smell, wanting to genetically attract someone with a different genetic composition. Someone with the same make-up as you does not smell attractive, it would be like dating your brother.

Listen to @Dr_Lawrence and @Coloma

I did not read the whole thread.

You would be doing the man you love more of a disservice by not being completely honest about your feelings for him and your relationship than you would trying to skirt the real issues. Therapy might be able to give you two strategies to deal with your issues. But, being completely honest, a true love and a good partnership shouldn’t be so hard to maintain. I think that talking, openly and honestly doesn’t need to be done in front of a therapist, but it doesn’t mean that therapy will make it worse.

@tinyfaery Agreed, good comment. I would note, however, that it is not at all unusual for therapists to take sides against one party or the other and it is particularly unfair for a therapist to do that. I have benefitted from counseling, but have experienced this behavior myself.

Are there still convents she could flee to? Because in my experience every human relationship has its difficulties, and some of those difficulties are best addressed with assistance. If we are to take the view of the Nay-saying big three, everyone would be better off alone, or only with a perfect man, and the only perfect Man of whom I’ve heard is Jesus.

You’ve had ‘cheating issues’ and he’s still with you- therapy probably won’t cause him to leave you. As far as not feeling sexual- he probably already knows.

One of my favorite quotes is, “In every relationship, there are three sides: his side, her side, and the truth.” A good therapist brings the truth to the table.

Every relationships does have it’s challenges, but…to blindly forge ahead with a wedding when one person has forgiveness issues and perhaps unresolved pain from an infidelity situation, and the other has zero sexual attraction..well…that is NOT going to be a union forged from heaven!

Far too many couples are blinded by the IDEA of marriage and are in far too big a hurry to cement a commitment under the illusion that, somehow, the act of marrying will be some sort of magic elixer for problems.

Many do the same with having a child…’ well..after the baby comes things will be different.’

No, they won’t.

Facts are facts, and marriage solves nothing if it has not already been solved.

@Coloma They do not seem to be blindly forging ahead, they have decided to go to ttherapy before the wedding takes place.

@ItalianPrincess1217 Your side not above does give me pause. You say the relationship previous to this one was pretty bad. I am going to assume that mean your ex was controlling, possibly abusive, and a lot of fighting. Now you seem to be with someone who lets you feel in control, he willing to put up with more, and is fairly passive. Maybe I am off base here. Anyway, probably most of us on this thread understand how the pendulum can swing from one extreme to another, we finally leave a relationship, and the next relationship has the very opposite of some of the things we hated in the previous one. This is many times called the transition relationship. Does that ring true for you? Is you fiance the opposite of the ex in many ways? Many times what happens is finally the next relationship after that is more balanced, we learn we don’t want either extreme.

I think therapy can help this, there does not necessarily have to be a third relationship/person but will change your relationship a little probably. I think it will change him more than it will change you is my guess. I think if you are the more powerful one in the relationship it will help even things out, which is a good thing. I think he is not feeling good about himself possibly.

A lot of what I just wrote is assumptions and guesses. So, I could be way off.

@JLeslie

Yes, of course..a good move..but, as was discussed..4 sessions on a 30 day timeline is most likely, highly unrealistic to solve longstanding issues.

@JLeslie You hit the nail on the head. Your assumptions were 100% correct. My fiancé is the complete opposite of my ex. The ex was controlling, and emotionally and physically abusive. He didn’t put up with any crap from me. My fiancé is the opposite. He let’s me control the whole relationship. He let’s me walk all over him. He had low self confidence, which tends to turn me off. I prefer when the man is in control of the relationship but it’s hard to balance things because I have an overpowering personality. I need him to push back sometimes instead of rolling over and taking it. I hope what you said about the third relationship being the most balanced isn’t true. But it does make a lot of sense…

@ItalianPrincess1217 You just articulated to me what you need to feel sexually attracted, you do know, that is very encouraging. I still think it is a good sign that your fiance turned to you and told you he was unhappy and you both want things to work out and be better. I am no expert, but the way I see relationships, is when they hit trouble, we can learn to be better in our relationships with that person who we have a long relationship with, or we can break up and do better with the next person. Both are possibilities, and the way it works when you want to stay in your relationship is both people need to grow and change, and it seems you have a good chance of that with your fiance.

I think the therapy will give you a chance to give you fiance permission for him to stand up to you. He will see that he can talk to you about his concerns or discontent, and you will listen. He may feel very insecure and have a trust issue. He may feel like he has to do everything right and not upset you or you might leave. But, he is realizing he is not really very happy playing this part is what I guess, so therapy for him is probably going to get him to evaluate what he really wants in a relationship.

Here is what I think is the good news. He probably wants to feel he can have more of a backbone, and you need someone who will stand up to you to feel sexually attracted. So, it could be a real win win if you guys work through this. Not that he should be all powerful and controlling like your ex, but that you need more of an equal feeling in the relationship, that you both have power, you both mutually respect each other, you both support each other, you both can trust each other.

@JLeslie Thats very true. That’s exactly what I want/need to be sexually attracted to a man. If he can manage to start sticking up for himself, and “grow a pair” I think we’d be a lot better off. Because even though he thinks that standing up for himself will ultimately make me leave him, it’s just the opposite. A man who can’t defend himself and allows the woman to control the relationship is so unattractive to me that I’m much more likely to leave him over that. I finally feel like maybe we’re getting somewhere. There’s still hope!

@ItalianPrincess1217 Not to be confused with being attracted again to an asshole. You can be attracted to a nice man who respects you. Nice does not mean he is a wimp, it is two different things.

@ItalianPrincess1217 You want him to stick up for himself and “grow a pair”? It doesn’t sound like you have much respect for him right now. I hope therapy helps you guys before you marry.

A small knowledge can be a dangerous thing.

I have a feeling it may be time for all of us to stop speculating and let @ItalianPrincess1217 and her fiance get on with the therapy. Just my humble opinion.

@all I appreciate everyone’s advice. It’s difficult to sit here and explain my relationship in great depth and detail without boring everyone to death. @chyna Maybe I was too harsh in saying “grow a pair” but I just meant that I think it’s attractive when a man is sometimes in control. And no, not a complete asshole. I don’t want to be disrespected. I just want less weight on my shoulders to control every single thing in our lives and have to initiate everything sexual. We both need to work on ourselves. Neither of us are perfect. At least we both agree on that part. We’ll see how therapy goes today. But again, thanks so much for all the advice and encouragment. I’m sure of only one thing at this point…life has a way of working itself out. And I’m confident that no matter what the outcome of my relationship is, it will all turn out for the best.

All understandable. Good luck and I hope all turns out well for you.

I am wondering why this thread is talking so encouragingly of the benefit of therapy in this case. While I would agree with the benefit (having experienced it myself), in this case, the OP and her betrothed are literally a matter of days away from the wedding. Therapy is not done in a day or a month. Realistically, therapy could make the situation worse in the short term. The benefits only come over time. There is no time. Therapy should not even be up for discussion and it certainly should not be held out as a possible solution….not in this short time.

Anybody here ever had a problem this serious resolved in 30 days. If so, I yield.

One would hope that if progress is made in therapy, the deadline would be extended. My optimism stems from the fact that the OP seems most concerned (by my reading) by her sexual anhedonia, which is devastating to experience but usually trivial to treat in the absence of anything organic. The other problems seem largely quotidian to me in terms of the chances of them being resolved by a well-trained therapist. But if not, what really has been lost if they try?

I see both sides here. I understand what @plethora is saying about there only being 30 days left. I know it’s not enough time to fix the issue. But it’ll at least give us an idea of whether or not there’s any hope of fixing it. As long as we’re both committed to working on this together, I don’t see why we shouldn’t try. Many couple have issues that arise after 5 years of being together. A sexual issue isn’t the worst thing that could happen. It’s a bump in the road but I don’t see a reason just yet to completely call off our wedding because of it.

@plethora Also, I think people run away from issues too often. I have done that in the past and later regretted it. I have a great man in my life. I could just end things now. I could call off the wedding, move out of our house, and save us some money by not attending therapy. But what would that accomplish? That’s the easy way out in my opinion. I would have wasted 5 years on a relationship that ended abruptly because I decided to give up before even trying. We have too much invested in this for me to turn my back now.

@plethora Therapy can help them communicate more openly, honestly and confidently. They are very young, and learning how to sustain a long relationship is, well, a process. Many people are married for years and never develop good communication skills, or they go from relationship to relationship, repeating mistakes. I think her relationship could have major positive changes in just a few sessions, because from what I have read @ItalianPrincess1217 and her fiance seem to be willing to work through the process, learn and grow. I don’t get the feeling from her statements here that they need months of therapy. The timing is not ideal, but it is not the worst it could be either. And, if the worst is true and they decide they should not get married, at least they have decided after giving the relationship a chance.

There’s no reason why the therapy once started shouldn’t continue beyond the wedding. It’s not “pre-cana.”

what does pre cana mean, please, @janbb?

@dpworkin Pre-cana is the pre-marriage couples counseling required by the Catholic Church in order for a couple to get married within the Church. It covers marital issues such as communication, sexuality, etc.

@janbb

I agree with stopping the speculations, more than enough opinions have been tossed into this relational frying pan. I was actually, just about to say the same thing.

This has been discussed to death…now it’s time to let the horse recover from the beating so to speak, and remember…it’s their journey…and it’s gonna be what it’s gonna be.

Good sharings and discussion but…over and out on this end. :-)

@ItalianPrincess1217

Here’s wishing you the best!

@ItalianPrincess1217 My best to you both. The tide of wonderful results from therapy is high on this thread. However hoping is entirely different from projecting. And I am seeing projections here. Any decent therapist will tell you to project nothing. One never knows how it will turn out. If you are in enough pain to need therapy, then you are in enough trouble not to make any major changes in your marital status. I will put my money on the pain being even worse after only 30 days of therapy, with the pressure and expectations of marriage also imminent.