How do i tell my girlfriend she is getting heavy without being an A-hole or ruining her self esteem?

Well, I don’t think you’re being unrealistic. You entered into the relationship with someone who, it seems, was exercising and eating right, so for her to suddenly quit doing those things it might be a little perplexing to you. On one hand, take it as a compliment; Couples, once together for a while, tend to go through periods where both people might gain a little weight – because it shows that they’re truly feeling comfortable in the relationship.

That said, have you asked her if she wants to work out with you? Maybe don’t even put it that way and simply ask if she wants to go on a bike ride with you (or walk, jog, etc.). Or say that you’d really like a workout buddy, since it makes the time pass a little faster and maybe also throw in that you really enjoy her company. Then throw in something about being able to take a hot shower together once you’re done, to make it fun and to indicate that you do, indeed, find her appealing.

There could also be other reasons she stopped exercising and started eating more. Is she stressed or maybe a little depressed over something? There’s nothing wrong with asking innocent questions to find out what might be up, when you’re in a relationship with someone. Be open and honest, and don’t be afraid of talking. :)

Tough call. My guess is that if she was, at some point, interested in exercising and being healthy that she’ll get back on the wagon when she’s ready. I’m pretty health conscious myself, but I like to slack off too. I say give her a couple months before you say anything. In the mean time, lead by example. Exercise and eat healthy by yourself and hopefully you won’t have to say anything… she’ll want to join you.

I never needed anyone to comment on my appearance for I am aware of what I look like and can handle my own fitness needs.My guess is that your girlfriend is well aware of her weight gain.
Why don’t you just do activities with her that involve exercise?

I think you can legitimately tell her your worries, like you said here to us, but i hope that you have more worries then just the fact that she is getting less sexually attractive for you.
Like her health and her (possible) mental health.

@DrasticDreamer: I think she is very stressed out about work, but I don’t know what i can do to alleviate that except trying to be there for her when she’s off work. Also i know she is having problems with her birth control pills which is probably stressing her out too.
@silverfly: I am somewhat leading by example, by doing regular excercise and loosing weight over the last year, but I will try to amp it up, ty for the good idea.
@lucillelucillelucille I would, but she is in to running and gym, both of which are excercise forms that i dispise.
@rebbel: I don’t worry about her health yet as she is only late twenties, but certainly i worry that she is feeling sad and more depressed than needed.

@Popconnection Okay. I think what you need to do is openly express your concern for her. If she’s upset emotionally, her eating habits and lack of exercise definitely make sense. Be a pillar of strength when she needs you to, just as she should be willing to do for you, if you ever need that kind of support. All you need to do is ask what’s bugging her, and then listen, even if she rants. It shows that you care about what she has to say and what she’s going through. That alone is a big thing that you can do for her, and most people really appreciate it.

As for the birth control pills, it’s been said that some of them can make women gain weight. I don’t know the true facts behind these claims, but I’ve had many friends who swear up and down that their BC made them gain some weight. If she’s having problems with them in general, she needs to talk to her doctor until she finds a kind that she’s comfortable with. There are a lot of options out there for women now, so she doesn’t have to – and shouldn’t – settle for BC that isn’t right for her.

As for despising the kind of workouts she is interested in, if you’d really like her to start again, you’re going to have to compromise. Is there any way that she was working out with you, doing what you liked, even though she possibly despised your routine? If that’s the case (and I’m not saying it is, only “if”) then a trade-off might be necessary. Some days, you do (with her, that’s very important) what she likes, and other days, she does what you like. Ya gotta give and take, it’s never a one-way street.

Sometimes sudden weight gain can be signs of an undiagnosed medical condition…have her visit her Gynie or Dr. for a check up. Could be depression too. Good luck!

She already knows and feels worse than you do.

@Cruiser Yeah she’s doing regular checkups and has one like next week, and we’ve talked through that stuff, so that’s being handled. I don’t think the BC’s are the entire story. Also labeling it as depression i think would be premature (In my judgement this is not severe enough yet to be any sort of condition – or i’d be with her at the hospital now and not talking to you).

@DrasticDreamer I think i might be able to come up with some excercise we both like, and I will definetly do that and if not I will compromise. I think I will sort of have to bring up the issue at some point though, to reverse her weight gain she will need to both exercise well and often (and I can’t hold her hand through it all the way – only inspire her), and cut back on the amount of food. Ty for your great replies.

@Popconnection From what I know, depression does not have to be overt or obvious and can be silent and under the radar. Reconnecting on good long hikes in the woods together could do you both good!

@Cruiser: Duely noted and ty for your concern. I will keep an eye out if it doesn’t improve or worsens. I right now think what she is having is a case of “normal ups and downs of life” and that medicalisation is not a good or proportional response at this point.

Who does the cooking for the both of you, or do you eat out all the time? Maybe you could start making low calorie meals without making a big deal out of it.

@Popconnection From my experience:
~The pill gained me 10 pounds within a month and I stopped it. I went to the shot which is also just generally more reliable for me since I can’t forget it. Some girls do gain weight from the pill but not exercising doesn’t help that.

~This same situation happened with me and my boyfriend but mine was related to a… temporary depression (not clinically diagnosed but was very effective). I was just having too much trouble with school, friends, and future decisions to focus on my eating and exercising. I didn’t communicate my problems to my boyfriend enough and (from what I can tell) he was afraid to approach the topic. I realized it eventually and am working on getting rid of the weight gain from it. But as I said, I realized it. Sometimes it takes a long time to admit something is really bothering you and to the point of affecting your health. When my boyfriend did decide to jump in and try to get me to exercise more, I didn’t like the direct prodding and made me feel more aware of how I messed up. So he had to do it circuitously. I admit that ideally he shouldn’t have to do that but it’s a sensitive topic for me and it’s one of the few irrational things I’ve got.

SO, my advice is this:
a) It could be the birth control and being too busy at work decreases exercise time. If she’s unhappy with the pill, she’ll change to something else. I recommend the shot if she takes a multivitamin.
b) It could be due to stress or depression. If you see her looking down or staring off into space, poke her. Check to make sure everything’s ok. A good way to relieve stress is to work out physically, so you could recommend it to her that way if she’s stressing.
c) She probably does realize it’s happening but doesn’t know how to approach fixing whatever the problem is. You could try the direct approach. But I give no guarantees about how it will go. You’d know your girl better to know if weight is a sensitive topic.
d) Doing it circuitously worked for me. My boyfriend goes out on a lot of bike rides and it makes me want to bike more. You could also look into gyms that have many different types of workout areas. When my boyfriend and I go to the gym, I actually don’t like sticking together because I like working at my own pace, but I like that we’re both there at the same time. There’s also creative recreation like indoor rock climbing and team sports that you could look into. ( @Cruiser ‘s recommendation about hiking was pretty good.) I’m a big fan of taking walks together and finding new things.
e) Start getting the food in the house more healthy. If you live together or eat together regularly, tell her you’re getting into a health kick and want to green things up a bit. (More veggies, more meat, browner grains, fewer sweets, etc.)

One thing my mom does if she wants to lose weight is make everyone else go on the same diets or exercise things as her. While it’s frustrating, you could ask her to go on the same regiments you do to help you lose weight and trim up. “her doing it with you makes it easier to focus on and stick to. Supports you, etc.”

When I was younger, we said of this problem “She broke her promise”.
But seriously, you either like people who “do not take care of themselves” or you do not. The issue is not telling her. Taking care of herself is her own business. The issue is do you appreciate her or not. If you do, then OK, no problem. If you do not, then move on. It is not that hard. In a relationship, both partners are supposed to be aware of what their partner likes, appreciates, dislikes etc. Once they are aware of that, they have a choice to make-act accordingly, or defy the circumstance. Acting accordingly is helpful to the relationship. Defiance puts the relationship at risk. Everybody knows it. Everybody gambles now and then. Sometimes they win, sometimes they lose. She knows what you want. She is gambling. There ya go.

@Josie: I do appreicate her, which makes it sort of “not ok” (and not “ok no problem”) as I want to fix the problem. Although i sort of understand what you mean, it’s really not at that point. I only see a problem that i want to nip in its bud before it blossoms.

@Popconnection -Try a new form of exercise together.

I think you’ve very legit concerns. Having read through the above responses, I tend to side along the idea of having an open and honest discussion with her. In this, I would boost her self esteem wherever possible. Tell her how attracted to her you are, etc. Make sure she knows how much you care for her; how important she is to you, etc.
I know when my weight fluctuates it can be a result of emotional things going on. This could be an opportunity for her to open up some more and it could really strengthen the relationship.
I’d be worried that if you’re going to tip-toe around the issue(which she is undoubtedly aware of herself), she may feel patronised, among a host of other neg feelings. You seem like a great boyfriend. I think she’ll respect you all the more for your honesty.
Best of luck with it.

Ha ha ha. How do you hold a double edged razor with no handle? Good luck on this but unless your girl already has great self esteem and truly believes you’re attracted to her physically then she might be like a lot of women who start to wane on their appearance. I’ve always believed great sex is the best exercise for couples because when you feel you’ve got that then you’re open to just about everything else to keep that going.

@Popconnection Sorry to junp back in, but I just can’t let this one go. You express a concern about damaging her self esteem. The universal mistake about self esteem is ignoring the word self. Self esteem is a product of your own conclusions, not somebody else’s. If you have deficiencies, you either are honest about them or you are not. If someone else points them out, they are either correct or they are not. If they are not correct you may ignore them. If they are correct, you may either correct the deficiency, or decide that correcting it is not worth the trouble. But nobody can screw up your self esteem. They are either correct or not. It either matters or it does not. Get over the self esteem problem. If you are in a relationship with somebody whose self esteem depends on you, you will be bled dry before it is over.

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. You should be secure in your relationship that if you bring up something even if it seems like a negative your spouse will receive it as it is and not see it as an attack. But if you feel she can’t or won’t handle constructive criticism remember the word of Sun Tzu: “Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent’s fate.” In short you have to think “All warfare is based on deception.” Sun Tzu.

You have to make her believe losing the weight is her idea. If you don’t want to be a gym rat, find an activity that is high calorie tacking other than SEX that she might embrace. Maybe some kick boxing, bouldering, rollerblading with that you can make all sort of sprint challenges for playful prizes. Swimming is another good on. When she starts to eat unhealthy junk politely excuse yourself telling her you are trying to eat healthy and don’t want her junk food to tempt you off course. If she really cares to for your company she will not eat it in front of you and thus eat it less because you are always around she thinks it was her idea. I take it you share the same place start buying really healthy food, either have a healthy dinner already made when she gets home or get her involved in helping you make it. So long as she thinks she did it because she wanted to or it helps you there won’t be any funk.

Exercise together, cook healthy meals for her. It needs to be a lifestyle change.

Ask her if she wants to join an exercise/food management club with you so you won’t have to go alone. Make it so that she is helping you stay healthy.

I like this that @Hypocrisy_Central wrote: “When she starts to eat unhealthy junk politely excuse yourself telling her you are trying to eat healthy and don’t want her junk food to tempt you off course.”

What I don’t like (having overheard plenty of male friends, co workers and even my own partner) is men scrutinize their women when they themselves eat like crap and are flubby. How dare a man bitch about not being sexually attracted but expect the woman to never wane is her attractions and performances.