Freudian slips, semantic faux pas, funny verbal abuse?

My all time favorite only works in text. It’s “Your stupid!”

@ETpro LOL. You’re funny.

Mine only works in French. Anculance instead of Ambulance.

On more than one occasion I have typo’d “cocks” instead of “socks” in IMs to my grandmother.

In the sixth grade a boy I liked was moving and on his last day I wished him “good looks” in his new school instead of “good luck.”

In NYC I saw a sign for “The Recital Room” but my brain didn’t process the “i.” Later during that same stroll, my eyes/brain misinterpreted a sign with the words “Rare Coins” as “Bare Loins.”

^ Cute, dear. Perhaps you should join DAM – Mother’s against dyslexia. ;-)

@Symbeline Bonjour! Ça va? ;)

I am trying to think of some, even one, but I can’t come up with anything right now. I probably will, in a week or so, long after everyone has lost interest in this question.

@lillycoyote I will never ever lose interest in this question.

One night when I was extremely tired I found myself giving computer lessons to my uncle and his young teen daughter. I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open, but I didn’t want them (her) to leave without answering a few basic questions about their new desk top system they had purchased.

”...so you see, when you want the hard dick to…I mean hard disk…”

I’ve never seen a teenager get so embarrassed as she did right then. Despite my attempts to soldier on with the lesson everything I said after that was lost on both of them. They left a few minutes later, and they’ve never stayed over past 11pm since.

In my kitty thread, I spelled his name “Cocksworthy” instead of “Coxsworthy” lol… Can’t help it

I’m not sure if Autocorrect necessarily counts, but on my phone I’ve often started typing something like “what” and have it turn into “wharrgarrball”.

So I guess I’ve sent “wharrgarrball” in a text message before.

context

@bob_ Alors t’as compris? XD

@FutureMemory Wins!

@Symbeline Wait, what?

@bob_ I denno. :D

I have a brain that naturally tends to play with spoonerisms whenever it hears a phrase that lends itself to such. One afternoon in Virginia Beach my family and my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin were all planning an evening out for a nice dinner. The group decided on a fine dining family restaurant called The Pine Tree Inn. As soon as it was decided, I blurted out that we were going to eat at the Trine Pee Inn. Not a great apetizer.

I know I had autocomplete on my numpad phone, and when typing my wife’s name, “Anna,” it thought I was trying to type “Bomb”

Years ago I lived with roomates. One of them had her boyfriend over for the week. He was coming from a distance so we all vowed to make things nice and impress him. When he arrived we were in the middle of making macroni and cheese. The instructions were being given to me by my mother via the phone and I was shouting them out for someone else to write. I said, “Butter the dick” instead of “Butter the dish.”

If Oedipus had dedicated himself to answering questions after his success with the Sphinx, he might have become a fluthermucker rather than a motherfucker.

I received a letter from a large corporation’s Director of Pubic Affairs. I couldn’t help it; I circled it and mailed it back to him asking exactly what his job description entailed.

@perspicacious ? What are you talking about?

@perspicacious Yes, and thank you for sending my letter back. :)

Seriously, I made a similar mistake. After conducting a hotel inspection and writing up the final report, I gave a copy of it to the hotel manager to read over before submitting it to the hotel owner. He started laughing hysterically. When he could finally talk, he pointed out that my mention of “a few hairs in the public areas” was missing an “L”. It was edited before submitting, but it still haunts me.

The obvious dummos” “marital arts” for “martial arts” or “pubic playgrounds” for “public playgrounds” [and much much more!!!]

I’m sort of fond of the ambiguity of “I’m no ordinary fool.”

Then there was my classic TRULY Freudian slip as a person newly in psychoanalysis, going over difficult material and discussing a disturbing dream about “the rapist” which my analyst made me say over and over until the words blended into “therapist”

@Pied_Pfeffer and @perspicacious What was wrong with the letter?????

@I_Dutchess Maybe nothing. So you tell us…you are the one that circled something and sent it back.

@I_Dutchess It was supposed to be public, not pubic.

I once received a promotional mailing from Cisco (the networking giant) in which the company name was spelled ‘Crisco.’ I laughed until I hurt.

Reading aloud in my class years ago, the word was “abroad”. I said “aboard…abroad….”
I guess I was the only one who thought it was funny. I had to sit down because my knees buckled, I laughed so hard.

I worked for the Naval Historical Center for many years. Once a calligrapher was hired to create about 30 certificates of appreciation for docents and every one read “For services rendered to the Navel Historical Center” [well at least it wasn’t “Naval Hysterical Center”]

Another funny [although wryly so] story was told to me by a friend whose daughter married interracially; her new husband was black. When he welcomed the couple into his home he offered his new son-in-law a drink, “Would you like a glass of Jim Crow?”

And another tale along these lines: A nameless naval intelligence officer came aboard a certain ship and asked to speak to the ship’s “spook.” The black officer he was addressing said “You’re talking to him.” The nameless officer looked at him and said,“I mean your intelligence officer.”
[the ship’s intelligence officer looked at him and said “Well, I guess I’m the spook spook.”]

@Trillian at least you didn’t say “aboard a broad”

I do remember once, glancing over a newspaper headline and reading it as: “Librarians welcome American troops with open arms” or something like that. As it turns out, upon a more careful reading, that it was actually Liberians who were grateful for the arrival of the American troops. :-)

@Jeruba, it was an implicit offer to grease your palm in return for selecting Cisco services for your organization.

There’s a new (local) diet product on the market here. The trend in Israel is to write logos and slogans in English – sometimes English only. This time it was horribly wrong: the company’s name, in Hebrew, was the name of this so-called miracle herb – which when ingested (in pill form) would reduce weight. The name of the company – and herb – was in Hebrew – the slogan, directly beneath it in English only was – Full of it!

I’d provide a link but I don’t want to get in trou [redacted by Mossad]

Panasonic’s 1990s Japanese campaign to introduce a new laptop computer with a touch screen using Woody Woodpecker as the symbol, and the slogan “Touch Woody.” was aborted on the advice of an American employee [after he stopped laughing]. Scrambling to come up with a new campaign they came up with “The Internet Pecker.”

Have you heard of The Billboard Liberation Front? While the group appears to be quite serious about their actions, I could be wrong. Maybe they are just a bunch of pranksters.

http://www.billboardliberation.com/

Since you asked: funny verbal abuse. (NSFW or for small children or sensitive ears.)

Some of these are impressive. But at the same time there does seem to be a certain poverty of imagination among them and an overreliance on a single word. They really don’t measure up to Shakespeare.

@Pied_Pfeffer worse than pranksters, they are artists.

@anartist That’s what ended up coming out of my mouth: “aboard…abroad” That’s why I was laughing.

@perspicacious Thanks! Ha ha!!

@Trillian that was worth a laugh!!! So your class didn’t get it. Their loss.