And I'd like to know, seriously, what are some good conversation starters, or questions, for a first date?

What’s your favourite language other than English?

Orient us just a little, if you please. Shall we assume, @zenele, that one of the parties is you, that the other party is a woman, and that you are both on the mature side of 21? 30? 45?

In addition, for the sake of avoiding mistaken ethnocentricity, shall we assume that you are not in the U.S.?

“This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.”

Yeah he be flagged. There’s a funny date question thread by ETpro down the street, bud.

Good point, darling:

Let’s say you are correct on all counts. Please proceed.

“did you have a nice trip?”
“how was your day?”

I don’t know that I can do much better than this response that I made to Andrew. You might see some other good ideas in the same thread.

Try not to sound like you are taking a survey.

And avoid all of those superlatively annoying superlatives that really put a person on the spot by calling for not just an anecdote but an instantaneous mental ranking of life experiences within a category: “What’s the most… the greatest… the funniest… the worst…. [etc.]?”

Here on fluther, you are intelligent, erudite, witty, personable, and very present. It can be hard for some of us to project the same things in person that we do so easily here. But I can tell you this: in person, the greatest of those is presence. The quality of attention that you give to the person you’re with is worth a sackload of canned conversation starters. If you are fully present, I think the conversation will take care of itself.

Oh, and wear your Starfleet uniform.

Did @Jeruba just say that I’m intelligent, erudite, witty, personable, and very present?

Melt.

Double * sigh *

I’m sure that you don’t really need to ask this question. What with your proven skill at repartee. Just go with your flow, my friend.
Oh, and commiserations on having reached a congratulationary level of lurve again. I look forward to your next regeneration.

“Tell me about yourself” sounds too much like your mom asking, “So, how was school today?”

You want to craft a question that evokes more than a one word response, or that sounds like you’re grilling for an interview. You know some things about her, right? So get her to elaborate on what you know, along the line of “How did you come to….” and then listen, and ask questions about what she’s telling you.

Just pretend you’re on a date with @Jeruba

Pay attention, luv. When you go all gooey, your conversation suffers.

I canz helps it when you’re around. Knees wobbly… gait unsteady… spilling my wine…

<g> bye

I Pmed you about something.

What’s the <g> thingee? Unfamiliar.

<g> is a grin

Oic. Thanks!

How do you not start a conversation? Talk about what you are doing. Or what you want to be doing. Ask an opinion about something going on around you. I mean, you’re on a date. The whole point is to “get to know each other.” Typically, people believe that is done via conversation. I happen to disagree with that, but that’s another subject.

There is no formula. It all depends on the people and the situation. You want to be natural—not pretend to be something or someone else. If you are uncomfortable, you might want to mention it, in a kind of joking way. Of course, it’s always easy to make fun of yourself. Well, it is for me, anyway. Not all of us are perfect, @zenele. Oh shit! See! I did it again!

But if you want my real advice—don’t date. It is one of the most horrible institutions ever invented. I’d rather have an arranged marriage than have to date.

I laughed at arranged marriage. Then I thought about it. Now – it’s being arranged.

Ask open ended questions, questions that can’t be answered by yes no or other one word answers.

Normally focus on how they feel about something it’s good and it builds a connection and they can blather on about crap you don’t care about.

People will let you do as much work as you are willing to do. I recommend enjoying your meal, and letting the other person do some work.

And remember that great old line from “All About Eve”: “Like most women seeking information, she told more than she learned.” Keep in mind that your questions are providing him with a lot of information about you – that’s why he doesn’t have to work as hard to get to know you.

Also, I think it is fun to ask about only those things that interest me. I like to know if people sketch or draw, appreciate art, play a musical instrument, have pets, like vintage movies, like Asian food. I like to know which comedians they enjoy.

And if you’re having a meal, I think it is nice to keep an eye on how the other person is eating. It is difficult for anyone in any situation to answer a lot of questions while trying to eat. I recommend chatting over cocktails and then coffee and dessert, and not being embarrassed to just sit quietly and enjoy a meal together. Comment on the food, or the music, but save the NBC Dateline interview for later.

It also saves you the trouble of having to do the adorable eating we’ve learned from live TV: Shoulders hunched, hand cupped under the fork, followed by fingers against the mouth and lots of frantic chewing and “give me a minute” hand signals.

Have a few drinks, loosen her up , then she will think every thing you say is witty, intelligent, and worldly. Seriously, discuss what you are eating/drinking, the people around you, Holland winnning/losing the soccer games. Just pretend she is Jeruba, you’ll be fine.

Conversation? Looking back on it I just stared at them and smiled. I didn’t go out with anyone UNLESS I wanted to stare. If I was wild about them, I’d flick a bit of lint off their shirt. haha (wicked giggle) And wait for the Adult Beverages.

@chyna If I pretend she’s Jeruba, I’d stutter, mumble and probably faint.

Ask, “How comfortable do you feel on a first date?”

What should I do on this, our first date, to make it likely we will date again?

What would you like me to notice about you that would make you feel comfortable in my company?

I like those!!! You’re pretty smart for a therapist – put the onus on the other person. Hmmm. Why didn’t I think of that and you’d think A Jew would know to answer a question with a question.

:-)

I forgot to include a line a friend of mine used to use. Minutes into the date, she would assume a very relaxed, conversational attitude and say, “So! How do you like me so far?”

@Dr_Lawrence, I’m glad nobody asked me those things! I would feel as if I were an experimental subject. I’d much rather face a tired question such as “Have you ever been to this place before?” or “What kind of music do you like?” than an adversarial interview question. Better yet, my date would say something of substance about what he’s been reading or seeing and what he thinks of it, and let me comment in return, instead of quizzing me at all.

I don’t see a date as a competition. If I thought someone were cleverly trying to put the onus on me, I might call him on it: “So just what is this onus you’d like to put on me? Shall we discuss it?”

Anyone want to hear about my first date in decades – and the lines I used and didn’t – PM me. I don’t feel like discussing it here.

Hint: it did not go over well. Police were involved. I’m out on bail, but ok, thanks.

@Jeruba I was just trying to ask interesting open-ended questions to allow my date to talk about herself without being bored to death by mundane, time-warn lines and dull questions.

It was never intended to be antagonistic or threatening. Why did these questions make you feel uneasy?

Ok, I’ll tackle that.

“How comfortable do you feel on a first date?”
— Calls for a generalization to which the present experience either is or is not an exception. Whether I say “generally pretty comfortable” or “generally pretty uncomfortable,” my response invites a still more probing question about my present level of comfort, asking for more than I may want to reveal so soon.
— Calls for an evaluation of the present instance in terms of a measure against a yardstick.
— Forces me either to commit myself at this very early stage to a degree of candor that might in itself make me uncomfortable or to utter a falsehood against character.
— In short, crowds me and puts me on the defensive. The question is intrusive and leads to a poor opinion of my date’s tact and judgment.

“What should I do on this, our first date, to make it likely we will date again?”
Silent answer in my head: Don’t ask me any more questions like the one you just asked me.
Spoken answer: Why don’t we see how this one goes before we start thinking about the future?

“What would you like me to notice about you that would make you feel comfortable in my company?”
Silent answer in my head: I would like you to notice me putting on my coat now and picking up my purse.
Spoken answer: How about if you notice my reluctance to answer searching questions like that one until we know each other a little better?

All three demand that I expose my private thoughts to a far greater degree than the initial stage of a social encounter should normally require. For instance, I may feel nervous, anxious, or simply attracted or unattracted, but I would prefer to keep my feelings private at this stage of things. They might be therapists’ queries, but they are not dates’ conversation. I don’t want to talk about the date at all. I want to find out if there is any common ground here that could be a foundation for a possible further relationship, or, barring that, if we could just have a pleasant evening. If I end up feeling like a specimen, it won’t be either one.

Chances of a second date: 30% tops.

This is not to say that someone else would necessarily respond so poorly. You asked me, so I’m answering. Someone who enjoys answering those questions will be a better match for this gentleman than I am.
___

Be it also understood that it has been decades since I dated anyone and that in the case of the man I married, you could almost say we never “dated” at all.

^ Let me know when you’re available.

;-)

@Jeruba, my wife and I never dated either!
I fully understand the discomfort engendered by those questions. You are right. They are probing therapist type questions!

Why dont you go to a movie. This will allow you to talk but not feel all the pressure of keeping up a constant conversation. If she has kids, there will be plenty to talk about. Just relax if its meant to be you guys will just flow. have fun

Please don’t talk at the movie. Have consideration for those around you who are actually there to see the move.

I don’t believe in the fairy tales about love. Things don’t have to flow on the first date. Many good marriages started with people who didn’t like each other at first. Patience. It is not alway going to be magic from the very get-go. In fact, some good marriages have no magic at all, ever.

It’s ok if you do something “wrong.” I don’t believe you can do anything wrong, but a lot of people think of things in those terms. You’re out to get to know someone, not impress them. If you need to impress them, you’re going to get a very different kind of girl. It may not really be what you want.

I didnt mean go and blab all the way through the movie, just that there wont be as much pressure to have to continually carry on a conversation. You guys will know if ya have a mutal attraction to one another and want to continue it further. I wouldnt advise trying to date someone I didnt even like. What could you possibl do WRONG, beside piss your pant. I do agree to be yourself. Dont try to impress them with something your not.