Why is it hard to Believe Love ??? Why Don't I Believe him ?

Yes. Get over it.

Either you can get over it or you can’t. If you can’t, stop torturing yourself and break up with him.

Yeah sorry but it sounds like you have a wonderful man that takes care of your every need, and treats you like a princess. So he made a sex tape, it’s not a big deal, he is an adult and he was in an adult relationship. You need to appreciate what you have and stop dwelling on unimportant things. You have it golden, don’t throw it away just cos you aren’t the only person he has ever been with.

Also, snooping through your partners stuff is just looking for trouble, you say trust is important, where was yours? He didn’t cheat on you, and by the sounds of it he didn’t even want the tape considering he smashed his stuff up to prove it to you. trust works both ways.

Or think of it like this: whenever you meet someone who has had other relationships before you two, he is (most probably) going to have had sex with them.
The only difference here is that he video taped some of his sex plays.
The persons who didn’t taped theirs, still had them.
Would you visualize him having sex with his earlier partners hadn’t he had tapes of it?
Well, there you go.

Oh dear. You probably will not like this answer. Some people just prefer to have their sentiments validated by others. But since you asked, here it is.

As @Chrissi85 said, you have found a man that loves you, supports you in many ways, and has gotten rid of personal belongings that upset you

Similar beliefs and ethics are valuable to a successful relationship, but differences can also be overcome. If you cannot do so, then it’s best you move on.

As a mature and experienced woman, I’d say he is showing you that he respects your feelings by getting rid of the evidence, so to speak.

That is a good sign of his devotion to you and your present relationship.

You are the only one that can work this out in your mind, but…if it is too troubling for you, then yes…you do need to move on.

This doesn’t make you wrong or bad…it just is what it is. People change us by their behaviors and we change others by ours.

I am more concerned that you are so dependent on him financially….I think you should be doing whatever you need to do to make yourself an equal partner.

A woman should NEVER make a man her everything and should NEVER be solely financially dependent on him.

You need to earn enough to support yourself so you do not feel trapped if you are unhappy, if he cheats on you, or, any abuse takes place.

Financially dependent women set themsleves for all sorts of abuse and unhappiness.

Is it because he still had those things around that you feel discounted? If he destroyed or got rid of them then he probably hadn’t given them much thought and is a whole lot more concerned with your feelings and wants you not to think he fantasizes about what was on there. Aside from the discovery, were you secure and satisfied with him beforehand? If there’s something/somethings specific you felt amiss before or something on the tapes you’re jealous of then now is the time to speak up and have out with it.

If it were me then I’d be shocked, for sure and I’d hate what I couldn’t “unsee” but unless the tapes showed my guy giving a girl a better time than we have together then I’d chalk it up to “the past is past”. I’d want to feel I had nothing to be jealous of or threatened by, that’s about it. If he wasn’t watching them periodically while with you then you’ve got nothing to worry about, he’s got the living breathing touchable you.

Did you just discover and view these very recently or have these tapes of his been bothering you for a while?

Is it ethic to have sex before marriage? If your virgin was not devoted to him, you’d better try to get over it.

Written into every movie for example is the western mindset that marriage or living together is sacred & not to be joined with another soul!
Is this true?.
Other cultures beg to differ & rightfully so. Some cultures on earth entertain the idea that more than one wife is ok.
Do you have enough unselfish love to be so loving you can include others?
This offends most westerners but no where in the Christian religion & writings do you find this is against God’s law of love!—Just watch out for man’s laws which in this case contradict God’s laws!

Adam and Eve saw each other for the first time and went to it! Without a minister standing by except for God who created sex for our pleasure and procreation!

Just remember…You both have to take care of the results in Love. everything must be in Love when it comes to relationships with or without system approval!

I do love him and want us to work out. There is no doupt about that. I do not want to move on, I want to be with him, and love and trust him.

@Coloma – Yes of course. I don’t work so he is the one I am depending on.

Of course once I do get a job and start working, I will pay for his stuff, pay for his dinner and movie, and have it be equal. There is no doupt about that. Just right now he is helping me out and he knows I don’t have any money and is fine with that, as long as I help out once in a while. He is helping me with my resume actually.

I don’t know you guys.

Could it just be my insecurities ???? I think it is.

Because he’s done everything right so far pretty much.

He hasn’t cheated on me, When I was sick he drove me to the doctor and waited for me, He’s focused all his time and energy on me.

@Neizvestnaya, Those were his tapes from the past, He claims He just forgot about them…........

He’s had a crazy past, was in Jail for 2 or 3 years, Hustled and Stealed, and now he owns his own company in Beverly Hills, and he says he’s done with fucking around, and he wants me to be his last girlfriend.

I just want to learn how to get over this.

I know it’s my own insecurities I have to face.

@Dr_Lawrence——I discovered them recently…........

When I told him that I found his sex tape, He drove from work early to our place, and we started arguing. He then got a hammer and smashed and broke the video camera. So that must mean he is serious.

I was laughing again at this thread. My initial answer was off the cuff, I didn’t even read the text. Then I saw all the others who took this seriously…
Then I read the last entries:
“He’s had a crazy past, was in Jail for 2 or 3 years, Hustled and Stealed” (Stole, by the way)
“He then got a hammer and smashed and broke the video camera. So that must mean he is serious.”
Are you serious? He violently broke something with a freaking hammer, and you don’t think that this is a red flag of some sort?
That must mean he’s serious? Seriously what? Deranged? Unhinged? Psychotic? Did you google this guy? Are you sure about what he was in prison for? Did you see his charge sheet? Or is this just what he told you?
How did you become involved whit this guy? Was it a whirlwind, rush type of thing? How long had you known him before you became involved?
I personally would worry more about my safety at this point than his past, but that’s just me.

Girl, why are you creating drama? Stop. Get away from this man and deal with your ish before you date again, namely, why are you attracted to dudes like this one?

I’m not trying to create drama intentionally, I want it to work out, and I want me and him to be good, I just feel insecure about seeing those, and I want to get over it, so the point of this was to ask people how they’ve gotten over someone they love, their past ???

I’m not attracted to dudes ”“like this one””, He is the first person I’ve dated with anything like that.

@Trillian—- We never met typically like most normal relationships.

I was in a Homeless shelter, got kicked out the homeless, I posted an ad on Craislist… we met the next day and 2 days after we met I moved in.

We had an attraction and connection almost immediately, and within a week we had slept together….. then a few days later I became his Girlfriend, and a few days after that we said I Love You to each other….and all this was in One month…..

Maybe if you feel so insecure he is doing things that cause you to be this way. Forget what he says to you, is he acting in a way that fosters trust? You never have to wonder where he is and what he is doing? He is always happy to be with you? He doesn’t try to manipulate or control you? I think it is very bad judgement in this day and age to mae a porn movie with someone, but is not exactly related to the question, but sort of is.

Choosing to get involved with someone romantically should be separate from finding a place to live. Being afraid of homelessness is justified but hooking up quickly with an ex-con who took you in is not what most people would consider sufficiently cautious decision making.

Yes, you were insecure and lonely from your very difficult financial problems and homelessness experiences, but moving in with a man your found on Craig’s List is daring enough, but getting further involved so quickly is pretty risky behaviour. What lead to you being kicked out of the homeless shelter?

@Trillian‘s concerns about the details of his criminal past bear serious investigation on your part. Until you know his whole rap sheet, you do not know who he is or has been. You can’t just rely on what he tells you. You have to be smarter than that!

He says he has a business in Beverly Hills. What kind of business is this? What does he do to generate his income? Is it all legal and ethical? How do you know?

You lnow, he may have been as desperate to have a partner as you were. Is he the kind of man you feel you should be with? Or are you staying with him mainly to avoid facing life on your own, providing for yourself?

I too am concerned that this man with a criminal past, chose to solve a problem by smashing the camera with a hammer. If he legally owed the camera, the average man would have sold or pawned the camera to show you he was serious about not making porn recordings of you and himself. If the camera was stolen, then it would be too risky to sell. Think about that!

Erasing the tapes was all that was really needed. His overreaction fits with the kind of impulse control problems that cause young men to get into legal problems.

Are you determined to stay with him because he is “Mr. Right” or just “Mr. Right now.” He gave you a roof over your head when you were desperate. You felt obligated and slept with him and now you are his “girlfriend.” How many “girlfiends” have there been since he got out of jail? How long ago was that?

Is this the kind of man around whom you want to build your life? Are there other things you have noticed about him that suggest he does things without properly thinking them through?
Does he get angry quickly? Does he damage things where he gets upset?

What do you want for your own future? How are you going to build that future for yourself?

You have many things to consider here!

Either get over it or get out…and quit snooping;)

@Scarlett

There are a lot of red flags showing up as you continue to share with us.

The ‘whirlwind’ ‘courtship’...far too fast, the ‘rescuer’ thing…many men with issues like to rescue women and often turn into controlling and abusive partners.

The violent way he disposed of the tapes, and, his criminal background.

Everyone has to learn for themselves, that is why wisdom usually falls on deaf ears, just be aware that one truth is…’ the majority rules’...meaning that when you recieve the same answers from multiple people, it is usually a good idea to at least entertain the thought that they DO know what they are talking about.

I wish you the best.

@scarlet, I had not read your statements about his temper and past. I say listen to your gut feelings, as I was trying to allude to in my first answer. Like Oprah says, listen to that voice inside of you. Dump him.

Having read more, I’m with the others in cautioning a slowdown of emotional investment until you check him out thoroughly. Angry and destructive towards objects is one thing but if he’s angry and defensive towards you before he goes into sweet bf mode then that’s not good. Also a partner who rushes home from work to console you either fears you’ll leave him without him getting an explanation in or else he’s obsessive/controlling about you and doesn’t want to give you a chance to think about leaving him.

CLANG CLANG CLANG!! WARNING! WARNING! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! Seriously, this is a CSI episode just waiting to happen. You needed aplace to stay, he needed a warm body and possibly a beard, or a schill, whatever you want to call it. (Is the term “beard” only for a gay man passing as straight?)
Seriously, send out copies of your last known photo. This guy is bad news.
Seriously? You love him and he loves you after how many days? Really? Come on.
Forget the porn, that’s the least of your worries, sister. Go back to the shelter and get your life together from there without reference to any more nut jobs.